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Anonymous #1

Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice?
    #19314848 - 12/23/13 05:51 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

So I'm eighteen, female, and I have never had a boy friend.
That's no big deal right? Except for the fact that I've had sex with multiple men.
Usually when I read about girls my age who've never been in a relationship, they've never as much as kissed a guy let alone had sex with one. I don't think I'm ugly; people often compliment me on my appearance, but I still have several ingrained insecurities that hinder me from being as self confident as I could be.
As such, I feel completely terrible about myself; do I really have such a low self esteem and such little self respect that I'd have sex with someone whom I'm not even dating?
I don't know what to do- maybe I'm too picky or narrow minded, but I haven't yet managed to find a guy out there who I'd actually be willing to commit myself to. In the past I've only ever had feelings for a couple of guys; however, I made the mistake of throwing myself at them and putting out early so of course they went no where. No one respects a girl who does that.
I know I'm too young to be worrying about dying alone, but I cannot help but being paranoid. My whole mentality is warped now to the point where I don't believe that any man will ever love me for who I am and the only way to get him to like me is through sex. As a result of this, I'm wary of every guy who approaches me because subconsciously I think that they're only after one thing. When I think consciously and rationally I know this isn't true, but there's still that little voice in the back of my head telling me otherwise. It's a sick and twisted way of thinking, and I'm tired of it. I realize that I've dug myself into this hole and it's my fault for doing so, but I want to make a change.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to change my mindset or put my mind at ease?


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #19315076 - 12/23/13 07:38 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
So I'm eighteen, female, and I have never had a boy friend.
That's no big deal right? Except for the fact that I've had sex with multiple men.



Still not a big deal.

Quote:

Usually when I read about girls my age who've never been in a relationship, they've never as much as kissed a guy let alone had sex with one.



Because in your culture, girls of your age that do have sex with men and do not have long-term relationships yet are portrayed as sluts instead of just young girls exploring romantic relationships and enjoying themselves while they're at it. There's nothing wrong with you. It's the world around you that is crazy. It sounds weird, but it's actually true.

Quote:

As such, I feel completely terrible about myself; do I really have such a low self esteem and such little self respect that I'd have sex with someone whom I'm not even dating?



So what? Casual sex is not a crime; it's perfectly alright between two consenting adults (or adolescents, if you ask me.) Shed that dogma of sex only being alright in the context of a committed relationship, because it just isn't so. Again: it's not you, it's some random ethic that was instilled on you and you're in the process of finding out that it is a really, really dubious one.

Quote:

I don't know what to do- maybe I'm too picky or narrow minded, but I haven't yet managed to find a guy out there who I'd actually be willing to commit myself to.



You will. It's a numbers game, but rest assured, you will. You will also encounter assholes, shallow bastards and immature boys, but once in a while, you'll strike gold.

Quote:

In the past I've only ever had feelings for a couple of guys; however, I made the mistake of throwing myself at them and putting out early so of course they went no where. No one respects a girl who does that.



Oh, it hurts me when you say that. The fact that you do put yourself out there emotionally is commendable. It also makes you vulnerable, so yeah, it's a matter of fact that you'll get hurt every now and then. You'll have to grow a thicker skin and always keep in the back of your mind that every time you put yourself out there, there's a real chance that it won't be accepted or reciprocated. But like I said before: once in a while you'll strike gold and you'll run into that guy who's just the same way, who is willing to be as vulnerable towards you as you are towards him, and you can grow a deep emotional bond from that. You're not flawed in this respect; you're just a little bit too good for the world around you. Arm yourself against the bad elements, but remain as good as you are for the ones that really matter.

Quote:

I know I'm too young to be worrying about dying alone, but I cannot help but being paranoid. My whole mentality is warped now to the point where I don't believe that any man will ever love me for who I am and the only way to get him to like me is through sex.



I suppose nearly all women feel like that from time to time, and men aren't any better either. In nearly all cases, we are proven wrong - fortunately. So will you, I trust.

Quote:

As a result of this, I'm wary of every guy who approaches me because subconsciously I think that they're only after one thing.



Yes, we are. And then again, next to that, some (many, most) of us also need that emotional bond that you're looking for. Don't go looking for the man who does not have sex on his mind, because he'll be sure to disappoint you - I bet sex is just as important to you as it is to most humans, and you don't want to be stuck with that one, rare, asexual male that you've managed to dig up.

Quote:

Does anyone have any advice as to how to change my mindset or put my mind at ease?



Read the above and imagine you're saying it to yourself. I would do it if I were with you, but distance is a bit of an issue :wink: Also, talk to people about this - preferably women who are a little more experienced in life (and please, skip the prudes - they're nice people, but useless in this respect). They'll recognize what you're going through and they'll tell you about what it is a couple of years down the road.

Take pride in the fact that you're an attractive woman in the blossom of her life and enjoy the things that life has in store for you :thumbup:


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Invisiblelarry.fisherman
shoulda died already
I'm a teapot


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: koraks]
    #19315219 - 12/23/13 08:33 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

You seem like a really smart girl. I wish I had much more to say but Koraks always seems to have good advice. You have a lot of life in store for you, don't get caught up in what other people are doing, because that's where we as people tend to faulter. I did that for a long time, and the moment I let go of these things you are feeling now, is the time when it all came together.

Don't worry hun, you're attractive, you're smart, and you have things more figured out than you think you do, you just need to realize it and hold on to it.

I can also say that no, it's not a big deal that you haven't had a boyfriend. In fact, as a man, that's actually pretty attractive. The great thing is really, that when you find love it's going to be special. I'm still with my first love and things couldn't be better. I was 20 when that happened. It hurt in the meantime but life is about learning, and I learned a lot from that. You're young, enjoy yourself and yourself only, and please don't worry about other people and what they are doing or living.

If I could give some advice on working on finding someone, next time you meet someone, do your best to make sure he knows you're interested sexually, but you want more than that. I think that one little thing could make a world of difference. You are making yourself emotionally available and that's great, it really is, but you need to make you emotionally available for YOU. Be open with what you want, a lot of guys like a girl who is straight-forward, because the dating game isn't really all that fun.


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OfflineAmishmedic8
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Registered: 12/05/13
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: larry.fisherman]
    #19315289 - 12/23/13 08:55 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Yeah Koraks got some good advice.
Heres my two cents.
Sex is GREAT! No ones denying that, but It doesnt fill that need for companionship. And to much sex I feel can cheapen the whole experience. Be picky about who you spend your time with. And try and lay down some basic traits you want to find in a man.
Remember EVERYTHING in moderation.
But dont worry!! Theres plenty of fish in the sea!!
Good fishing!:sexymeow:


--------------------
Well at least thats what my granmother would say, Medicine from the hinterland :thor:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart ... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. - Carl Jung


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Invisibletrekie
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Amishmedic8]
    #19315401 - 12/23/13 09:35 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

What koraks said op. He does offer great advice. Get out there and have fun while you are young just use protection.

My girlfriend didn't have a serious boyfriend till me. And she was 24 . :lol:
She has had plenty of sexual partners and doesn't bug me at all.


--------------------
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.



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OfflineTheWiz
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Registered: 11/21/11
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Loc: Southern IL
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: trekie]
    #19315834 - 12/23/13 11:46 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Koraks pretty well covered my thoughts.

If a guy doesn't respect you because you guys fucked, then he doesn't sound like a guy you want around long term anyway.


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I'd hit it.


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Offlineempty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: TheWiz]
    #19315899 - 12/23/13 12:09 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I second the have as much fun as you want. I see nothing wrong with people who have lots of sex. The only time I see a person as a slut is if they have lots of unprotected sex. Just use protection and you will be fine!


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OfflineMachineElf1.618
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: empty space]
    #19316463 - 12/23/13 02:30 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

you sound like an awesome chick, you should be my girlfriend lol


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OfflinePatlal
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: MachineElf1.618]
    #19316671 - 12/23/13 03:18 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Your are 18. You have plenty of time to find someone. Go to college, it'll help.

Having casual sex is just casual sex. Until you fuck 5 different guys a week, then you can consider it to be a problem.

Dying alone: when you think about it, it's your last experience you'll ever have, its better not to be distracted by other people. :shrug:

Tips for when you will have a boyfriend you love:

- Men masturbate, it's not you, its us. Don't feel bad about it, you're still hot and attractive, we just need to jerk off. If you don't want a man that jerks off, don't date a man.

- A blowjob goes a long way

- Don't come to us for empathy, you have girlfriends for that. If you mention to us that you have a problem, we will tell you how to fix it, that is all you'll get from us

- If we ask you what's wrong and you answer "nothing", we will take it at face value and you will be even more pissed. Just answer yes next time.

- If you ask us if there's something wrong and we answer "nothing" than there is nothing wrong.

- Bitching will get you nowhere and will only worsen everything

- We take the toilet seat up, you take it down. Watch before you sit down.

- If you ask a question where no right answer can be given, expect the wrong answer and blame it on yourself that you asked. These little traps are extremely annoying.


That's all for now.


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Offlineempty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Patlal]
    #19317122 - 12/23/13 04:56 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

:lolwut:


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InvisibleSleepwalker
Overshoes

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 5,503
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: empty space]
    #19317992 - 12/23/13 07:34 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

and that is why you don't really want to have a boyfriend anyway, you just don't know it yet.  :lol:


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InvisiblePrisoner#1
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19318258 - 12/23/13 08:24 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
So I'm eighteen, female, and I have never had a boy friend.
That's no big deal right? Except for the fact that I've had sex with multiple men.
Usually when I read about girls my age who've never been in a relationship, they've never as much as kissed a guy let alone had sex with one. I don't think I'm ugly; people often compliment me on my appearance, but I still have several ingrained insecurities that hinder me from being as self confident as I could be.
As such, I feel completely terrible about myself; do I really have such a low self esteem and such little self respect that I'd have sex with someone whom I'm not even dating?




while what koraks said does somewhat ring true regarding culture and
perception and sex there's more here than meets the eye, there are several
mental disorder that can also lead to these sorts of feelings in addition
to promiscuous sex, of course there's a stigma associated with mental
disorders as well, but look beyond the stigmas and have an introspective
look at yourself to determine if you may want to see a professional

one example of the sort of disorder I'm referring to is bipolar disorders,
it can cause you to have a low sex drive and a hyper active sex drive
depending on what phases you're going through, depression can cause the low
sex drive while the manic state can cause the hyper drive to kick in


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OfflineAtrium
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Registered: 08/18/13
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Last seen: 3 years, 4 months
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #19318440 - 12/23/13 09:01 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I feel the same way you do towards women, only not. I don't see it as a problem that I've had sex with a number of girls all pretty close after my first "relationship". That's a long story but I haven't really thought highly of many people, miuch less girls my (our) age in years. It's not just you, this isnt necessarily a problem, and you can get what you want. This is the problem intellectuals face (that's what I keep telling myself lol). For every person obsessed over what the person beside them is doing, you focus on self and will find what you're looking for eventually. But yeah, there's just a mass amount of shit people in this small little area we call earth.

PS I would think no highly or lower of you to either say we should have sex immediately or at marriage.


--------------------
The only thing about Chemistry I like is all the psychedelics that come from it.

The only reason I study Psychology is to have a legitimate excuse to enjoy Chemistry. :tongue2:


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #19319444 - 12/24/13 01:52 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Pris, that's true; sex is tied in with many mental disorders. But for time being, shall we assume that OP is most likely a healthy, normally functioning young adult with a good appetite? Because the odds are that she's just that. In addition, even if she were bipolar, would it render her having sex unethical? No. So there you go; my advice still applies.

@Patlal: you made me laugh :wink: There's a grain of truth in there somewhere :wink: But I disagree on the issue of compassion; men are perfectly capable for that unless they are extremely jaded or autistic. Sounds like you have a mild form of the former, right? :wink:


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Offlineqbe
New but old
Male


Registered: 08/16/11
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Loc: Philadelphia
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: koraks]
    #19319485 - 12/24/13 02:09 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I  have nothing further to add to this thread, everything that has needed to be said has been. Sex is great, so is dating someone. Calm down, they will both happen and not necessarily at the same time, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have a roommate that is a guy, but lost his virginity less then a year ago and has never had a girlfriend. He is 26.

Also ignore pris. He likes to psycho analyse people based off of one post. He is generally right in a lot of cases, and I don't know if you know him, but based off of one post on the internet I am reading running to a dr. isn't the cure.


--------------------
I eat mushrooms to meet hippie chicks.



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InvisibleAcidic_SlothM
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #19319529 - 12/24/13 02:32 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

i dunno, i think she sounds like a normal 18 year old girl. while you do have a point, i think koraks is right on the money with this one. i don't think that having sex wit multiple men by 18 but never having a relationship is any real indication of a mental disorder--there are so many other factors, and let's face it, people like to fuck, especially when their bodies are being flooded with hormones on the regular during puberty. yes, i consider 18 to still be in that range. things may be mellowing out as far as hormones are concerned, but it's still a factor. low self-esteem and self respect, sounds like a normal teenager to me.

OP, don't put so much importance on being in a relationship with someone. when the time and the guy are right, it'll happen. just enjoy yourself and be safe. work on the self-esteem and the rest will follow, guaranteed.


--------------------
-- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --

JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong
Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD"
--
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JaP: Nothing, I tell you.


:heart: :todcasil: :heart:


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: Acidic_Sloth]
    #19319587 - 12/24/13 03:10 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I think I'm still in my puberty, judging by the raging hormones :P


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OfflineBU4O
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: koraks]
    #19319780 - 12/24/13 05:51 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I dont have nothing to say also OP...koraks say it all...all i can say is i hope you find that special person and be happy...and some of us are just as girls when it comes to feeling compassion,attachment,love or the need to be with you...even more...my nickname was given to me by a girl it was 'dog' because i get so affectionate for the girl i love my EX...i was like her dog i needed to be lith her evry day.I was worried when she is coming alone from school,thinking somthing bad can hapend to her. I thought about her all the time...so there are man out there that are gonna be like what i am telling you and are gonna be all that into you...:hug:


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InvisiblePrisoner#1
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: koraks]
    #19320201 - 12/24/13 09:09 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

koraks said:
Pris, that's true; sex is tied in with many mental disorders. But for time being, shall we assume that OP is most likely a healthy, normally functioning young adult with a good appetite? Because the odds are that she's just that. In addition, even if she were bipolar, would it render her having sex unethical? No. So there you go; my advice still applies.







clearly this is an issue for her so why not address the issue


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InvisibleAcidic_SlothM
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Re: Never had a boyfriend- Can I get some advice? [Re: koraks]
    #19321665 - 12/24/13 03:04 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

tell me something i don't know, sweetie.


--------------------
-- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --

JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong
Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD"
--
JaP: What would this place be without random sluts?
JaP: Nothing, I tell you.


:heart: :todcasil: :heart:


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