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OfflineKraken
Stranger
Registered: 12/21/13
Posts: 2
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Advice due to recent terror in last mushroom trips (includes trip report)
    #19309429 - 12/21/13 08:26 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

This is my first time posting on the Shroomery. Please let me know if I am not following decorum... The goal of my post is to obtain advice on how to further work with the psychedelics and more specifically mushrooms. I am also looking for advice and guidance on non-psychedelic work that I can do to integrate the teachings I received. I will first layout a summary followed by my very recent trip report. I have significant experience with Ayahuasca (25+), mescaline cactus (6+), and about 15 experiences with mushrooms. Slight experience (about 4) with 2C-B.

The short version is that my last 4 out of 5 mushroom trips have been very terrifying. In the past I was able to navigate the realms and visions presented to me without too much discomfort or fear. I was able to "ride the wave". The last trips have been confronting me with an incredible fear of dying. Terror is felt in about 70% of the trips. Each time I believe that my time has come and it is only a matter of realizing that I am dead for it to materialize. There is a great sense of not being safe and in grave danger. This was mostly non-existent in my previous trips although sometimes there could have been a seedling of fear which I could easily dismiss.

The experience I had (1 out of 5) which did not involve this fear was when I did the trip alone. All the other times there was someone, thrice my brother and another time a friend. Every single time I become terrified of them and they embody either an archetype such as Lucifer, become a copy of myself with thoughts from my subconscious which I am afraid to listen to (revealing aspects of my more negative past) or a sexual abuser. It is important to note that my personal work has revealed that I have most likely been the victim of sexual abuse as a child, as well as my brother, and that not only strangers but my father has done it as well. I was oblivious to this before the 5 recent trips and I feel like the mushrooms are trying to push me into a resolution of the trauma. It is important to note that each of the trips actually end up in a state of balance with my psyche and extreme bliss.

All of my trips are with very high dosages, from 5 to 10 grams and most of the time I am on the higher end. A lot of them were done solo and I try to stay lying and meditate on the experience. Too much physical interaction create confusion and chaos. I am under the impression that I should continue my work without the presence of another person as it seems to be a strong trigger for my fears yet I am concerned at not having a sitter exactly because I have been having those harder trips. I am also tempted to shorten the amount of time between my trips so that I am more "familiar" with the altered state as well as the traumas presented to me. This way I may reduce my fear of dying, being killed or being sexually assaulted. Does this seem like a plausible tactic? Does anyone have any recommendation in terms of frequency and going solo or not?

Another idea is to decrease the dosage so that the sensation of chaos and loss of control is diminished. Yet I am concerned that this won't bring the strong effects required for the work and that I will be in a "limbo" and even more in my body and afraid as a result of remaining more aware of physical reality. Does anyone have recommendation in terms of dosage?

Does anyone have experience facing fear of death and/or sexual abuse and/or fear of others while on psychedelics? If yes do you have any advice to have a positive resolution?

I don't intend on discontinuing my use of psychedelics as it has changed me for the better. I feel like it is a powerful tool for me to grow. It is not because the work gets hard that I should quit. I learned this with Ayahuasca where there was challenging plateaus and great self-improvements when they were overcome.

I can provide more information if that is required to give me some advice. I can also share more if someone is interested in learning from my experiences. Here is the very recent trip report which triggered me to post here...


December 14th 2013 Trip Report - 10g Psilocybin Cubensis

It’s 7:40 pm on Saturday night. I feel courageous, determined yet fearful. I am not worried as Terrence McKenna said he always experienced fear before engaging with the Sacred Mushrooms. I weight the sacrament which will allow me to embark on my spiritual quest. Let there be no doubt: this work is about spiritual growth, realizing my true god-self nature as to prepare for the terminal moment of this lifetime and shedding karma. Fun would be appreciated but it is not a requirement nor is it expected. I pre-roll 2 joints, load the vaporizer, unwrap my chocolate and assemble a pile of 10 g of Psilocybin Cubensis. I complete a silent prayer in respect to the Teachers. I bite into the chocolate and begin to chew the mushrooms. 15 minutes later I begin to swallow a ball of emotions so that it may descend in my psyche. I inhale a good 20 to 30 shots of vapor. As I go to the washroom I sense the substances working on my mind and body.
My brother is extremely tired and will be going to bed any minute. This raises my concerns as he normally stays up until 11 pm or midnight in the week-end. On the other hand I always prefer the solitary work. This tension is giving birth to mixed emotions: abandonment and uncontrollable outside influence. I go to my room and rest on my bed. I start relaxing as I feel my energy waning. I remember that I must do my work. I begin chanting mantras for Kali to destroy the negative elements of my ego, for Ganesh to integration and removal of obstacles, and for the seed sound of “Doom” to offer me protection.

Visions of Nagas, half-viper and half-woman creatures, appear forming circles around me. Dakinis manifest in a complex mandala. They seem to want to devour my flesh. Vampire woman join them to drink my blood. They try to seduce me with sexual desires. I try to remain passive as the fear grows in me. I can no longer remain idle. The intellect remembers that my brother is in the house so I call out to him. He enters my room. This was a big mistake as he now entered the alternate dimension created by my current state. This is why I prefer solitary work: whenever a freak out happens there is no other logical than remaining silent until the wave passes.

I begin to be terrified of my brother. I sense that he can take advantage of me in this weakened state on the physical level. He is tired and attempts to lie down on my bed. I believe that my consciousness will tune out which will give him the opportunity to sexually abuse me. I tell him to get off the bed. I begin to give him conflicting instructions. Leave, come back, go on the floor, get a chair so that I can see you, don’t leave the room as I don’t know what you are planning, put music on, remove the music as it is projecting messages, let the cats enter as they scratch the door, put the cats away as they will kill me, turn on the light, close it, etc. He seems to be just as intoxicated as I am. Whenever I talk he simply repeats my sentences. He can no longer formulate coherent thoughts. We travel to the kitchen, the living room and to my room a few times. He is simply a mirror of myself. This becomes scarier as I can see all of my traits through him. He is not independent. I am in fact the entire universe and all that is within it. Each physical manifestation is an action from myself which reveals my deeper nature. My mood is reflected through outside events.

My brother is still mumbling my sentences. I attempt to go in a world of inner peace. Just wait it out. This is not possible. As soon as I calm my spirit either the cats begin fighting around me or my brother starts to talk about darker events of my life. Scary memories that I could not quite remember in detail. When we left the Circus Afterhours event and I had not cooled down I had needed to throw up in a Tim Horton’s bag while driving. When I ate over 30 g of Marijuana and practically lost a day and had been high for over 72 hours. What really happened during that day? He was about to tell me but I shut him off. Some things do not need to be known. He was about to talk about the time that he had taken this strange drug for the Canada Day DeadMau5 event. I shut him off too as I know that deep down I really took the drug and wandered in a dark alley of my psyche. After all he is really a facet of myself. Why can’t he just shut up and let me be? If he isn’t talking I worry about dying. I am scared of him as he is lying down on the floor and I can’t kill him. It feels as if my brother and the cats are operating on my body from beneath my bed. The thought of being psychically sodomized keeps rising. I will not be victim of this abuse! The only thing I can think of is asking him for the time. The flow of time will eventually end this journey.

I am sure that I will die at 11 pm. I keep asking for the time which goes back and forth. When I tell my brother that I want the effects of the mushroom to end he says it will not be possible. I haven’t learned my lesson yet and I have a good 2 hours to go. I try to bargain but he responds that he doesn’t bargain with anyone. Why would he say that? It is as if he is incarnated by a spirit, or an aspect of myself, as no one should say such a thing to someone on psychedelics. At least I wouldn’t! Did he get a contact high? Surely! For at least 30 minutes he is repeating each of my thoughts and sentences. I ask him to speak normally yet he tells me he doesn’t know how to. Why would he keep repeating what I tell him? I feel as if he is either not his own person, cruel or stupid. It seems like a mean thing to do to me as it is increasing my fear. I keep telling him that I am terrified of everything. Several time I asked him to call Grace to save me. Of course he advised me not too which was the right thing to do. This was really my heart trying to express the feelings of attraction that I have for her. Why can’t I tell her that I am romantically attracted to her? I am afraid of her reaction, that she might not feel the same way and that it would become too weird for her to continue working on our ATEAM community project. Why should I fear this? She is mature and well balanced. Even if her feelings were to be different she can understand that emotions simply manifest and that nothing changes as a result of expressing them in language. The situation is the same whether it is known or unknown. On the other hand I feel like this dilemma symbolizes my struggle with the feminine and creating a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. I am no longer sure that I am deeply attracted to Grace but instead it is my weaker side seeing an opportunity due to the attention she has given me. I am not convinced that our values, principles and personalities are compatible. She seems to have very rigid and structure spiritual opinions based on her training without opening herself to other possibilities.

Eventually I gather my courage and dismiss him. There are several moments of hesitation which result in me retracting my command. Eventually I use a more convincing tone and he is gone. Finally! Peace and quiet in my room. I am still scared but it doesn’t matter. Now I can stop moving and there is no other sentient physical semi-independent entity to interact with me, taunt me and poke at my psyche when I finally relax. The Dakinis appear again. This time I am more courageous and let the vision unfold. I must balance my fear and my desire to integrate them. I realize that the teachings of the mushrooms are to integrate the Divine Feminine. I must come to peace with this aspect of the universe and the self. I must cease fearing the Feminine. By representing the Feminine in the form of Dakinis the fear which my psyche has associated to woman is clearly revealed to my mind. Pain is the result of rejection and separation. Refer to these Wikipedia definitions of Dakini:

[continued]



Edited by Kraken (12/21/13 08:49 PM)


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OfflineKraken
Stranger
Registered: 12/21/13
Posts: 2
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
[continued] [Re: Kraken]
    #19309502 - 12/21/13 08:52 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

In Tibetan Buddhism, khandroma (Standard Tibetan: khandroma, Wylie: mkha' 'gro ma, TP: kanzhoima; Mongolian: хандарма; Chinese: 空行母) is a type of female spirit. The name translates as 'she who traverses the sky' or 'she who moves in space' or, more poetically, as 'sky walker' or 'sky dancer'.

It translates the tantric concept of dakini (Sanskrit: ḍākinī, Pali ḍāginī, Mongolian), derived from a figure of medieval Hindu legend (Bhagavata Purana, Brahma Purana,Markandeya Purana, Kathasaritsagara), a female imp in the train of Kali who feeds on human flesh (her masculine counterpart being called ḍāka ).They are comparable to malevolent or vengeful female spirits, deities, imps or fairies in other cultures, such as the Persian peri.

As a key tantric figure, the dakini also appears in other forms of tantric Buddhism such as the Japanese Shingon school from where she disseminated into Japanese culture, evolving into Dakini-ten and becoming linked to the kitsune iconography. The origins of the dakini figure are uncertain but she continues to this day as a part of Indian folklore, generally in wrathful forms, and remains a part of Hindu tantra.

The khandroma or dakini appears in a Vajrayana formulation of the Three Jewels' Buddhist refuge formula, known as the Three Roots. Most commonly she appears as the dharma protector, alongside a guru and yidam.

Although dakini figures appear in Hinduism and in the Bön tradition, dakinis occur most notably in Vajrayana Buddhism and play a particular role in Tibetan Buddhism. There the dakini, generally of volatile or wrathful temperament, acts somewhat as spiritual muse (or inspirational thoughtforms) for spiritual practice. Dakinis are energetic beings in female form, evocative of the movement of energy in space. In this context, the sky or space indicates shunyata, the insubstantiality of all phenomena, which is, at the same time, the pure potentiality for all possible manifestations.


Sound waves are created in my room. They change with my mood. From high pitched to chaotic to melodic. I can feel my comfort level rising and lowering which results in direct shifts of the music. This becomes a tool to stabilize myself into my true Self. The terrible visions of devouring feminine energy continue yet I am eventually able to find appoint of equilibrium with this new psychic gauge. As I relax into the state of pure being I decide to stand up and drink more water. I play a random song on my computer: Compassion. This is a lesson that in the coming year I must work on compassion. I drink a few sips of water, eat a bite of brownie and inhale a few puffs of the marijuana joint I had prepared. I realize that finishing the joint will kill me but that consuming some of it will bring healing. I sense it opening my heart chakra. I understand that this, like everything in this life, is a game of balance. Whoever doesn’t know when to stop ends up dying and loses. Yet if you only drink a fair share of energy you will grow. I go to the washroom but I hesitate several times. I see myself tripping and cracking my head on the floor. The cats are following me everywhere. Whenever I have doubts they began to fight. When I act with assurance they stop their dispute. If I sufficiently observe the exterior world it is very passive. When I become too inert I feel as if I am dying. Perhaps dying is simply the fact of being disengaged with the world and reality. On the other hand when I attempt to manipulate too much of my surroundings the world reacts violently. It is as if too much stimulation results in chaos. The key to utilizing our natural god-like power is to be in harmony with the world, shifting it enough without disrupting it in disrespect, being silent and in contemplation without being disengaged. Is this how to free oneself from Karma? Acting without detachment? Is this the lesson of the Bhagavad Gita? Is this the concept of Yin-Yang?

Satisfied that all my needs and desires I met I return to my room. I hesitate slightly which causes the cats to fight one last time but I decide to dismiss this disturbance. Peace returns immediately. I remove my clothes quickly as any hesitation pulses fiery red light in my field of vision. It is as if I should not forget my lesson and act with detachment. Worrying or thinking too much recalls the hellfire which I just escaped. Without thought I remove my feather ring, representation of my ancestors and put it on the chair facing my bed. I had not realized this until the morning but my brother had put his cell phone on the south side of the Psychic Energy system hologram from Alex Grey which was on my shrine next to my bed. It was cornered with rocks and minerals. My heart chakra was covered by a pink quartz, my head had a stone for creative writing and my root chakra had the rock of transformation from the 2012 Burning Man Template.

I lay on my bed and close my eyes. I relax completely. Baileys (my cat) goes next to me and scratches my right arm lightly with his claws. He doesn’t cause any damage to my skin so I don’t engage with him. I have a 360 degree complete vision of the room. I see ghost figures sitting and standing in the area of my shrine and the ancestor ring. They appear to be dressed with coloured robes. I hear incantation and a ritual is taking place. I don’t sense it is evil so I relax and embrace it. My heart chakras glows with pink energy. The divine feminine appears before me. A beautiful Dakini dances sensually in my room. The Dakini appears to have devoured my fears rather than my flesh. It seems as if I should have yielded to it and her acolytes much earlier. Rings of geometric triangles made of pink lasers consume the room. My spine is a thunderbolt of pink energy. I feel tremendous love everywhere. I embrace the feminine. This is another lesson for me to work on: integrating the feminine and going into a positive relationship with women and romance.

My spirit slowly enters the world of dreams. My body decomposes on my bed as a grey sorcerer observes from the ancestor chair. I have a small urge to fight yet I sense that there is no point to it. Instead I work at balancing my spirit and mind. An angelic singing bowl high pitch sound emanates from the universe. I am fully in a dream state. The world around me is cloudy. I am fully lucid and can control my environment. My consciousness is contained in a spherical violet glowing orb. I can sense and see chakra energy spheres activating in this orb. With my will I re-arrange these orbs and create dream limbs which I organize into yogic postures. Each combination comes to me instinctively from a place of deep knowing. When a position is completed a surge of energy and emotions takes over my existence. I cycled through prosperity, compassion, love, beauty, generosity, courage and abundance. I laugh heartily as I am amazed by all of these secrets revealed. The pure essence of these emotions are decoded on a silver platter. I am thrilled and flooded with happiness. This triggers a series of orgasms. I finally understand the peak of an organism; pure ecstasy. I focus intently on it as to go back to this state of being later in “normal life”, especially during intercourse.

I engrave the technique to fully manipulate dreams and become lucid in the eternal memory of my consciousness. I create my room in the dream world. I am able to walk out of it, go to the washroom and perform many other activities. I am surprised by the fact that the dream world matches exactly waking reality. I need to confirm I am in a dream several time by manipulating my environment with my will. This is an easy task and the test is passed every time. An idea is germinating in my mind. What if I created “waking normal reality” in this dream and then choose to continue living in this world for eternity? I realize that this might be the concept of dying and I forget the idea. Yet it creeps back and I see no reason not to do it; after all it would be identical to the current reality with the exception that I can manipulate it easier with my will. I put the plan in motion and create this world. When it is fully created I enchant it with my power of creation and manifestation. Then I slowly transition my consciousness from the current universe into this newly created universe and will myself into waking consciousness. The transition is very smooth and I am in fact awake in my bed. I drink some water, take a few bites of food and then go to bed knowing the secret of reality: we are always one with god and hence are always creating our reality. Even if I shifted universe this fact remained true in the previous universe and will always be the truth.

In essence this experience has taught me several lessons. It includes among other things, integrating the feminine and stop fearing it, the truth on reality and how we are always its creator, improved skills at lucid dreaming and dream manipulation, healing and empowering of my chakras, revelations in the essence of true emotions and ecstasy, indications that I need to balance my life between acting and observing as well as yin and yang, and that I must not deviate from my personal path. I also learned that I tend to be overly attracted to woman at the first sign of attention given to me.


Edited by Kraken (12/21/13 08:54 PM)


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