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Deviate
newbie
Registered: 04/20/03
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Man I am depressed
#19298968 - 12/19/13 05:13 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I read that thread last night on the spiritual benefits of cannabis and since I already use cannabis spiritually, it was of great interest to me. I decided to get stoned and practice what was written in that document. A lot of it I had already been doing actually, it just came naturally to me but hearing someone else say it gave me the confidence that what I was doing was of real value and potential.
Anyway, I had a very deep introspective experience and I saw that I still have so much spiritual healing left to do. These days my meditation sessions both stoned and sober tend to be very painful rather than blissful, as I confront all kinds of subconscious issues I have been supressing for most of my life. Even spiritual techniques that control the mind like the Jesus prayer, can be used to suppress things by keeping the mind under such strict control.
I discovered that I have a lot of fear and anger that I haven't dealt with. Its funny because I never really considered myself an angry person and yet last night I realized I had serious anger issues which I had never dealt with.
Most of my fear issue have to do with fear of what other people think of me and fear of shame. Being such an utter failure at fitting into society has left me with a horrible self image and I am ashamed of the fact that all ive done for the past 10 years is abuse drugs.
Healing hurts.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate] 2
#19299022 - 12/19/13 05:21 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Yes healing does hurt and everyone needs some. Healing that is. I hope you get some relief soon. I wish that for everyone actually and for myself. I'm not expecting any miracles however. I've been working on myself for at least 40 years and honestly I haven't made that much progress. I'm going to hurt right into the grave. At that point hopefully it won't matter a bit. Fortunately since this seems to be the human condition more or less I'm just another animal whos comings and goings are nothing too important in the grand scheme. The more I realize that in fullness the easier it is to live with my emotional pain.
Oh and I think you've done more than just abuse drugs. You been trying to heal just as much then as you are now. There is no shame in that imo even if it feels that way to you.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
Edited by Icelander (12/19/13 05:26 PM)
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Kickle
Wanderer


Registered: 12/16/06
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Icelander]
#19299107 - 12/19/13 05:36 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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to it all but especially to the last 3 lines
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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cez

Registered: 08/04/09
Posts: 5,854
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19299427 - 12/19/13 06:55 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Stay up brotha 
Don't take life so seriously. The past isn't real. What you remember is hardly how it actually was..Just how you perceive it nowadays.
Think of all the suffering in this world today and all the suffering over time..Your's is but a speck.
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Middleman

Registered: 07/11/99
Posts: 8,399
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: cez] 2
#19299511 - 12/19/13 07:12 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
cez said:
Think of all the suffering in this world today and all the suffering over time.
You're not helping. 
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Space Elf



Registered: 07/29/10
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19299565 - 12/19/13 07:25 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I can relate in a lot ways. Spirituality makes me happy, but at the same time, it reveals to me all my faults and my current place in the universe. It makes me realize just how far down the ladder I am which doesn't do me any good in terms of motivation. It just drags me down. Part of correcting one's faults involves the realization of one's faults. It can be really emotionally-draining. Not only that, but analyzing all the suffering in the universe can drag you down, too. It can make you very pessimistic about what you're trying to do. Every time I trip, the trip starts out as 'spiritual ecstasy' but then I always get to that point where it's an "introspective nightmare," as Hunter S. Thompson put it. I've found that I can't focus on the negatives, or they will ultimately destroy me and bring me down. Focus on the positives. Remind yourself of how far you've come. Do what you have to do to keep going. The more you care, the more it hurts. Not giving a fuck about anything is the easy way out. Caring about everything is what's emotionally difficult, but it's intrinsic to the spiritual path.
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Doc Seta
Sinister Das Trip Sober



Registered: 12/18/13
Posts: 550
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Space Elf]
#19299656 - 12/19/13 07:44 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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r72rock
Maybe so. Maybe not.




Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 1,327
Loc: Chicago
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19299950 - 12/19/13 08:46 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Life's tough man. I would just say cheer up, but if it was as easy as it was said, you'd probably already have done it.
It's tough to become a better person and to heal yourself. It's not easy, which is why most people avoid it imo. Others are just naturals at it, lol.
As Dogen once said, "Life is one continuous mistake. We make one mistake after another." Or something along those lines. But we still try and pick ourselves up everyday and do a little better.
-------------------- Current favorite candy: Peanut Butter Kisses
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deff
just love everyone



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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19300001 - 12/19/13 08:55 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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the reason we don't like our apparent faults is because they cause us suffering and inhibit our joys. to then add to this suffering and joy-inhibition by fixating on these downfalls and feeling bad about them is i think unnecessarily mean to ourselves. it's of course good to seek self-improvement, but i don't see any merit in self-flagellation . so my advice would be to lighten up and cheer up (as that itself will often illuminate our apparent downfalls into mere misperceptions. being glum can morph our view of ourselves to be more negative, which then just makes us even glummer - it's a vicious circle). maybe you aren't beating yourself up over this, but it kind of sounded like that to me in the OP. in any case, counting your blessings and cultivating an all-inclusive gratitude towards life can be very positive both immediately and into the future as one's spiritual growth unfolds i think you aren't a bad person in the least Deviate
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circastes
Big Questions Small Head



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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: deff] 2
#19300228 - 12/19/13 09:44 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I don't know if you're 'healing' or having negative, psychotic-like cannabis experiences... which can happen.
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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hmmn


Registered: 01/09/13
Posts: 372
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19300823 - 12/20/13 12:55 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I feel for you, Deviate. So many of us are burdened with painful memories and experiences. I hope you'll be very kind to yourself as things unfold. I wish I had any kind of helpful advice, but I don't. Perhaps it would be good to reach out to (or seek) a spiritual friend.
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19301127 - 12/20/13 02:55 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I say work it man, use your self loathing to your advantage. Write a poem about masturbating in a pool of tears in a bathroom stall during Catholic single's bingo, would get you a hot hipster chick here in Portland.
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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Deviate
newbie
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: circastes]
#19301141 - 12/20/13 03:04 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
circastes said: I don't know if you're 'healing' or having negative, psychotic-like cannabis experiences... which can happen.
I think it's a bit of both. Marijuana, more than any other drug, tends to drive me to the brink of insanity. But that's also where my greatest genius lies.
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19301241 - 12/20/13 03:51 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Deviate said:
Quote:
circastes said: I don't know if you're 'healing' or having negative, psychotic-like cannabis experiences... which can happen.
I think it's a bit of both. Marijuana, more than any other drug, tends to drive me to the brink of insanity. But that's also where my greatest genius lies.
If you could find a therapist for a MDMA session, I think there possibly is no better medicine to open up a window in a person's psyche that allow's someone to be open to their own emotions, with a loosening around the judgment and shame around what has happened, and a room to engage those memories and experiences in a very different way.
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Quote:
CosmicJoke said: I say work it man, use your self loathing to your advantage. Write a poem about masturbating in a pool of tears in a bathroom stall during Catholic single's bingo, would get you a hot hipster chick here in Portland.
good advice
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Chronic7
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 13,679
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Deviate]
#19301741 - 12/20/13 07:41 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Deviate said: I read that thread last night on the spiritual benefits of cannabis and since I already use cannabis spiritually, it was of great interest to me. I decided to get stoned and practice what was written in that document. A lot of it I had already been doing actually, it just came naturally to me but hearing someone else say it gave me the confidence that what I was doing was of real value and potential.
Anyway, I had a very deep introspective experience and I saw that I still have so much spiritual healing left to do. These days my meditation sessions both stoned and sober tend to be very painful rather than blissful, as I confront all kinds of subconscious issues I have been supressing for most of my life. Even spiritual techniques that control the mind like the Jesus prayer, can be used to suppress things by keeping the mind under such strict control.
I discovered that I have a lot of fear and anger that I haven't dealt with. Its funny because I never really considered myself an angry person and yet last night I realized I had serious anger issues which I had never dealt with.
Most of my fear issue have to do with fear of what other people think of me and fear of shame. Being such an utter failure at fitting into society has left me with a horrible self image and I am ashamed of the fact that all ive done for the past 10 years is abuse drugs.
Healing hurts.
Although I've had some incredible & amazing experiences meditating with cannabis I've also hidden exactly the same issues your describing within myself due to a decade long daily cannabis use, i'd highly recommend quitting it for a while as I've only seen benefits from doing so, that's of course if you are abusing it, maybe you're not, i'm being a lil bit of a hypocrite as i'm partaking myself in the next couple weeks, but it's because I actually want to not because i'm deep into an addiction like previously, in general quitting or cutting right down really helped open me up, id've been kidding myself if in the depth of my addiction I told myself getting high was somehow healing me in the most efficient way possible, maybe as Icelander hinted at it was the most efficient way at the time tho
I had a crap self-image for most of my life, I've found the trick is to carry no self-image at all rather than trying to cultivate a 'good' self-image, and to not worry about what 'other' people think about me by not worrying what I think about me, you can only be worried about other peoples thoughts if you're believing your own thoughts
I feel compassion for you from having been through the same things but I don't feel sorry for you as I know for a fact that the solution to every single one of your problems lies within you, from your previous posts I feel you know this to be true aswell or I wouldn't be so frank with you, all your honesty that people have been praising you for recently is actually a pack of lies, tell me again, who are you?
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viktor
psychotechnician



Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 4,293
Loc: New Zealand
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
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Quote:
CosmicJoke said: I say work it man, use your self loathing to your advantage. Write a poem about masturbating in a pool of tears in a bathroom stall during Catholic single's bingo, would get you a hot hipster chick here in Portland.
This - self-hatred is just another energy, perhaps it's the energy you need to get up to next level. Pain is usually a sign from Nature for you to change what you are doing.
-------------------- "They consider me insane but I know that I am a hero living under the eyes of the gods."
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all this beauty
Stranger
Registered: 02/13/13
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Re: Man I am depressed [Re: Middleman] 1
#19301811 - 12/20/13 08:09 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rev. Morton said:
Quote:
cez said:
Think of all the suffering in this world today and all the suffering over time.
You're not helping.  
Ditto to that. The last thing in the world someone needs to hear is that their suffering is insignificant.
When it's happening to you, your suffering is very significant. Doesn't matter whether other people consider it minor or petty.
Also unhelpful are spiritual doctrines that teach the "unreality" of suffering, as in, "Your suffering is an illusion."
Human misery and suffering is significant, real, and needs tending to.
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Chronic7
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 13,679
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It depends on the person, your right most people whilst in the midst of suffering shouldn't be told it's an illusion as most of the time it wouldn't help, but for a few it could be exactly what they need to hear, who knows...
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