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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Moving On.. Is This Selfish?
    #19270744 - 12/13/13 01:24 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I love my lady a lot. She is nice, quite intelligent, and she is really good to me. I just feel like I am stuck in a rut in my life and that she is a part of me being stuck. If I were at where I am at right now in 5 years, I would be really disappointed in myself and definitely not happy. I feel like she doesn't have the ability to take care of herself in the way that I have the ability to take care of myself and as a result, she relies on me to keep her grounded. If I broke up with her, she would be really hurt, plus probably quite screwed, and I wouldn't have any excuse other than that I want to move on. I feel selfish..


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Edited by empty space (12/13/13 01:24 PM)


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,691
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space] * 1
    #19270759 - 12/13/13 01:29 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

She'll manage on her own. Trust me. This isn't about her being dependent on you; this is about you using her as a proxy to keep yourself from breaking up with her. The real question is: what is this 'moving on' thing really about, what does it entail and why is it necessary?


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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: koraks]
    #19271090 - 12/13/13 02:38 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

koraks said:The real question is: what is this 'moving on' thing really about, what does it entail and why is it necessary?



I want to worry about my own life for once because it is pretty damn good and I have a bunch of opportunities that I continually squander because my girlfriend would rather smoke hash and fuck (the five star blowjobs are quite convincing). My only stresses are her problems or her weakly veiled disappointment with how I choose to spend my time, whether it be work related, hanging out with my friends (which is almost always work related because we all work together), or taking some time alone. I want to stop worrying about what other people want/need. My friends are starting to do some really cool shit within our community and I'm barely ever there to be a part of it any longer. I used to be the one at the front of the pack. I just want my own life again.


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Offlinesukhavati12
Level 50 Mushroom Shaman
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Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 184
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space] * 1
    #19271766 - 12/13/13 05:29 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Break up.

You're either A) delaying the inevitable or B) sacrificing your own life opportunities for someone else's temporary mental well-being.

Wanting to move on or wanting independence is a fine excuse for breaking up as long as you're nice about it. You can't be emotionally responsible for everyone all the time.


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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: sukhavati12]
    #19276662 - 12/14/13 09:29 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I might just move. I just went on a little vacation and I must admit that being away from the energy that permeates my hometown has been extremely refreshing.


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Offlinelunarpiscean
princess
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Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 1,204
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space] * 1
    #19277546 - 12/15/13 02:32 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

i think in the end you would deeply benefit her.


change is never fun at first.


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:heartpump::sun::feelsgoodgurl::sun::heartpump:


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,812
Loc: Ottawa Flag
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Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space] * 1
    #19280065 - 12/15/13 04:20 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

empty space said:
I love my lady a lot. She is nice, quite intelligent, and she is really good to me. I just feel like I am stuck in a rut in my life and that she is a part of me being stuck. If I were at where I am at right now in 5 years, I would be really disappointed in myself and definitely not happy. I feel like she doesn't have the ability to take care of herself in the way that I have the ability to take care of myself and as a result, she relies on me to keep her grounded. If I broke up with her, she would be really hurt, plus probably quite screwed, and I wouldn't have any excuse other than that I want to move on. I feel selfish..




Break up. Be selfish. Your happiness is more important than someone else's. It's their job to make themselves happy. If you think you're being held back, you gotta get rid of the things holding you back.

Plus I'm sure you're like 20 years old. So it doesn't even matter in the end...


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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: Patlal] * 1
    #19288946 - 12/17/13 02:40 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Weeeheeee I am freee!!


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OfflineHellogoodbyedeath

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 2,904
Loc: Flag
Last seen: 2 years, 1 month
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19291055 - 12/17/13 11:18 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I am guessing you did it? If so, great job, dude! :thumbup: You will be better off in the long run for this and you know it.


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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: Hellogoodbyedeath] * 1
    #19291099 - 12/17/13 11:32 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Yes, I broke up with her today. It went really smoothly. I told her that I needed to focus on myself and progressing my life. She was extremely understanding. I must admit, at this point the initial high has faded and I feel weird. I was out of town for a week. While I was out of town, she got a new job and found a new place to live. These were two things that were bothering me for the longest time and she has taken care of them. I'm really confused right now. I miss her a lot and I feel like now that she has gotten a job, I could be with her and still be able to get things done... She is extremely supportive of my decision and just wants me to be happy, even though I can tell she is crushed.  I can't help but feel like I've made a mistake... Well, I dont want to date anyone else right now and I know she is not the least bit interested in hitting the dating game either so I'm going to give myself a few days alone to see how I feel. Maybe I need a break more than I need a break-up...


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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19303850 - 12/20/13 04:48 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Ok so life is crazy and chaotic and awesome. My partner -- at this point I do not see her as a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or any such thing, simply my partner -- decided that she is going to move back to her home state on Sunday to live with her parents and figure out her head. I was really worried that she was going to fall back into the druggie street kid scene. I am so ridiculously proud of her. I have never been so in love with somebody in my life. We're spending the last few days together before she goes. I'm definitely sad that she is not going to be around anymore but I am so extremely decided to see her begin making decisions that are good for her life.

I am going to get a lot of work done now! I can't remember the last time I was this happy!

:peace::heart::sun:


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Invisiblelarry.fisherman
shoulda died already
I'm a teapot


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19303963 - 12/20/13 05:15 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Good for you man, I'm genuinely happy for you.


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Invisibledeadwk
00101011


Registered: 06/17/09
Posts: 8,890
Loc: Canada, eh? Flag
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19304350 - 12/20/13 06:21 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

You shouldn't prevent your life from evolving just so you don't hurt someone else. She'll get over it eventually, even if she's hurt in the present. The fact you're seriously pondering this, most likely means you should go ahead with it.

Also you don't have to just ditch her forever, you could cease the way your relationship is with her at the present, and simply be there for her as a friend. But in the end, you need to do what you need to do to make your life work.

Good luck :sun:


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: deadwk]
    #19312948 - 12/22/13 06:06 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Lots of good advice in this thread. I sometimes feel like OP but under different circumstances. Food for thought.

Glad everything worked out good, OP.


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GO OUTSIDE.


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Offlineempty space
the void

Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: PDU]
    #19313380 - 12/22/13 07:31 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I am very greatful for all of the responses from the heart. All of the advice in this thread has been useful. Breaking up with my girlfriend was the best thing that I've ever done. I've come to many important realizations over the past week of my life. Communication is key. The only thing holding me back from being productive is me. She was not the problem--the problem was me! All she wants is for me to be happy and for me to do whatever it is I feel I need to do to achieve that goal. I expressed many fears that I had about our relationship and found that she actually shares many of the same fears. If only I had vocalized my thoughts sooner! We have decided that, as long as both of us are capable of independently supporting our own lives, we are down to get a place. She just left for her home state today. I know the right people out here. She is going to build connections out there. Then, she is going to move back here and we are going to capitalize on it all. The game is on. We are doing this together. I have never felt so damn alive.

What do you need to do? What is it that you are putting off? What are you avoiding? I strongly advise that you charge into it head first. The moment that you decide to go all in, your life will accelerate to speeds that you never thought imaginable. You must accept that you may first experience hardship but know that you will prevail and that everything will come to light. I have been able to speak my mind wholly and completely from the moment I accepted change. It is like a filter has been lifted. I have made an immense amount of social, financial, and psychological progress in the last week of my life.

Thank you all for the healing, supportive energy!

:peace::heart::sun:


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InvisibleSheekle
FREE BURKE
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Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 53,153
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19313408 - 12/22/13 07:36 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

That's awesome man, I'm happy for you


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Offlineempty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: Sheekle]
    #19366191 - 01/03/14 10:41 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Well, she completely blew it. Within a few days of getting to her parents' house, her dad kicked her out. I drove out to her home state to bring her back for New Years. Once again, she is living at my house except now she has no car too. She said she would take the bus where she needs to go and as a result, she doesn't go anywhere. She has no form of income and no plan except to find a work trade living situation. At this point, I am seriously wondering why in hell I thought this would be a good idea. I'm slightly stressed but there is none of the anxious uncertainty that there used to be when my cards did not play out the way I expected. I'm contemplating how to progress with this situation.


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Offlinetopdog82
Death Spirit
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Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 3 days, 11 hours
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19369539 - 01/04/14 06:05 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I am so sorry to hear that man

But I honestly ran into this exact situation. I would say end things. It is much harder to do than to execute

But deep down I was not happy for about 6 months. I knew deep down what I wanted and needed to do. She even called me a selfish asshole for it. But you gotta help yourself before you help other people

I can't have her hold me back. Once i get a degree in psych and computer science, then I will go and get a job in clinical psychology and i can go ahead and help otehrs


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Offlineempty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: topdog82]
    #19371513 - 01/05/14 06:27 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I talked to her today. I asked her why she wanted me to pick her up from her parents' house out-of-state. She told me it was "because she was uncomfortable." How selfish! I drove for over 24 hrs in 36 hrs and once again have the responsibility of housing, feeding, and cleaning up after two people, all because "she was uncomfortable." She was supposed to stay with her parents and until she had enough money to live on her own, which would have been really simple because of the extreme diversities in rock and mineral markets between her state and mine. I believe that she has good intentions but she has a very difficult time realizing when her actions are harming others. Her response makes me feel like she cashed in on the comfort of my life because she can't manifest it in hers. I was very comfortable when she left and now I am not comfortable.

I have a moral dilemma. I picked her up from out-of-state. Now she is here without money and with nothing to do about it. I feel like I am responsible for her. At the same time, she is making me feel very empty and used. I dont want to feel this way..


Edited by empty space (01/05/14 06:35 AM)


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Offlinetopdog82
Death Spirit
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Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
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Re: Moving On.. Is This Selfish? [Re: empty space]
    #19372006 - 01/05/14 09:45 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Lol man u know wat has to be done! It isnt me being an asshole either. Its just kind of a sad fact of life... :/


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