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Offlinedanlennon3
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can NEVER make the first move
    #19225800 - 12/04/13 09:01 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

between the social anxiety and fear of rejection, I find it nearly impossible to make that first move. Sometimes Im oblivious to the subtle flirting when it comes my way. After that first kiss though, everything else I am VERY confident about. I know I am a good kisser and I know how to drive a girl absolutely wild! Its never been difficult for me to have marathon sex for hours on end and I can pretty much have an orgasm on command. Im told that I am good looking too! ON top of that, being a really nice, caring, loyal and loving guy... I have the attributes of being a women's wildest dreams come true.

But sometimes I think what is the point if I never put myself out there. Its REALLY depressing at times. This has been going on for years now.


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"Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"



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InvisibleInto The Woods
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3]
    #19225813 - 12/04/13 09:04 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

So put yourself out there, what's the problem?

You're going to regret the things you didn't do in life much more than the things you did


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Invisiblekoraks
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: Into The Woods]
    #19225836 - 12/04/13 09:12 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Into The Woods said:
So put yourself out there, what's the problem?



Anxiety, lack of experience...ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away.

Quote:

You're going to regret the things you didn't do in life much more than the things you did



Yeah, OP knows that, he doesn't need you to point it out again to him :wink:

OP, I know what you mean. There's quite a long road between spotting someone and that sex marathon you're so good at, huh? The only thing you can do is build some experience. Just go out there and do it. Meet people (bars are a good place), have a drink together, see if you hit it off. If it takes a fuckload of effort to keep a girl interested, then she's probably not the one you're looking for. Don't be afraid to abandon her and move on to the next one. Be interested, ask questions, make her laugh, don't come on too strong at first - all the things you probably know about; you just have to practice them.

Also, two more things:
1. alcohol
2. online dating

(1) will make your life easier, (2) will make it easier to build that experience because of sheer numbers - plus, you know that they're looking for something, which sort of skips that first bit in real life in which you have to find out if they really are.


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OfflineDrugsRGood
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3]
    #19225910 - 12/04/13 09:36 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

When you don't have experience it's easy to feel anxiety. That anxiety itself is making you think that making the first move is harder than it should be. So basically you're over-thinking everything.

But it's simple, just be relaxed, natural and positive. That's all you need. You will only notice signals if you're relaxed. Learn to relax and slowly you'll gain experience...


--------------------
Life is an adventure; not knowing what's ahead brings a great sense of anticipation; and meeting women is the reward.


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Offlinedanlennon3
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: DrugsRGood]
    #19226186 - 12/04/13 11:22 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

The issue is that I suffer from social anxiety in general.. Not limited to trying to find a girl. When I make attempts to flirt with chicks, I freeze up and become awkward! I always get the weird look! And a lot of the time, I get over the fact that the chicks looks at me as weird... but its when I have 0 luck 100% of the time that discourages me.

When Im friends with a girl, Im pretty much instantly put into the friend zone. I cant tell you how many times a friend has told me "our friend XXX is coming out and you have a very good chance" NOT ONCE have I had luck, even with female friends who are completely wasted! It makes me feel unwanted and very insecure.

I just dont know how to play "the game"... It KILLS me when people say "just go for it!" I DO go for it. I fail EVERY time :confused: And then people say "dont give up, failing is better than not trying".... Well honestly, it hurts WAY less just not trying.

Same thing with online dating... I sent 50-100 messages to women in my area and I got not a single fucking response. I tried to be funny, witty, I pulled all the cards out. A whole year and not one chick wanted to give me the time of day. So in the end, I said FUCK IT.. I changed the entire profile pretty much saying "I give up, I hate myself, no one wants to even give me a chance so this is my last ditch effort" Pretty much the BIGGEST pity profile in the world!!!! One chick started to talk to me, it looked promising, things were going well over the phone.. and all of a sudden she stopped talking and deleted her profile. I doubt it had to do with me, she probably just found another guy.

I NEVER pull the pity card. This was during a time where i just gave up completely. Sometimes I just try to convince myself that the chicks in this state are just stuck up bitches looking for a guy with nothing more than money. Or slutty chicks that I should probably avoid! But Im stuck here.

It took me years to even love myself, and nothing has changed. If just one girl got the chance to know me, things would work out. I have a LOT to give when it comes to love, friendship, sex etc. But a lot of the time it makes me feel worse. That I have so much love, happiness and fun to give.... But no one wants it. Being a hopeless romantic fucking sucks.

And the sexual frustration is an ENTIRELY different story! I say this entire post in the most positive manner I can. Im trying to stay positive despite being a failure... But it just makes me heartbroken :thumbdown:


--------------------
"Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"



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Offlinedanlennon3
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: DrugsRGood]
    #19226188 - 12/04/13 11:22 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

DrugsRGood said:
When you don't have experience it's easy to feel anxiety. That anxiety itself is making you think that making the first move is harder than it should be. So basically you're over-thinking everything.

But it's simple, just be relaxed, natural and positive. That's all you need. You will only notice signals if you're relaxed. Learn to relax and slowly you'll gain experience...




Even when Im completely relaxed and loose, I just dont know what the fuck to say or do.


--------------------
"Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"



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Offlinepsyconaught
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3]
    #19226430 - 12/04/13 12:26 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Think of yolanda and ringo as your anxiety. And you're Samuel L jackson. They're not the same thing and untimely you're in control


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Think for yourself, question authority


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OfflineThe5thElement
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3] * 1
    #19227642 - 12/04/13 04:32 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

You know what op, I know what kind of mindset you need to use to put yourself out there.

I'm generally kinda shy, but It's like I literally have two different personalities depending on how I feel in a moment, or how I choose to be. It's like a have this switch inside my head that I put on or off, and you can do this too.

Just don't care man, and when I say that I don't mean it in a negative way like I DON'T CARE IF I COME OFF AS AN ASSHOLE or something along those lines because that's not good, at least in my mind it's not. What I mean is like, life is silly man; people are silly; the way the world is is ridiculous and the more things I experience the more I realize is that this is just one giant clusterfuck of randomness. You have the good with the bad, and everything else you could think of mixed up in this crazy existence.

Why should you really care if someone thinks your this or that? Or if you get rejected... It's not like every single person's opinion about you really matters, because on average most people who think negative shit about you is probably most likely an asshole in real life, so who gives a fuck about that guy or girl? Just be you, and the good people who's opinions that actually matter will eventually cross your path and then, you'll know those are the only people who you should actually care about making a good impression on.

Just put yourself out there, be kind but don't let people walk on you because they will if you let them. You're the main character in this story, be the person you want to be and don't be afraid of failure, you can't learn anything without making some mistakes.


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Fail forward


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OfflineDr. P. Silocybin
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3]
    #19227688 - 12/04/13 04:43 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

danlennon3 said:
between the social anxiety and fear of rejection, I find it nearly impossible to make that first move. Sometimes Im oblivious to the subtle flirting when it comes my way. After that first kiss though, everything else I am VERY confident about.

But sometimes I think what is the point if I never put myself out there. Its REALLY depressing at times. This has been going on for years now.



I can relate to everything you are saying. I know that I come off as a little weird and way too nervous around women, and people in general. But I can get past that most of the time. The problem is that I want to make the first move smooth. I want it to feel natural, with minimal weirdness involved, but I have a really hard time being smooth/natural in social situations in general. The added pressure of wanting to be accepted and loved by the girl makes it really hard for me to do anything. Sometimes I'll try to make physical contact, but I always find myself doing it in some subtle, restrained manner that is not necessarily sexual, and therefor "safe."

Sometimes, like you, I'll miss subtle flirtations from girls. Probably because I'm not expecting it or prepared for it. Even in situations where women are blatantly hitting on me, and initiating physical contact I freeze up mentally. I don't have anything to say or do, and if I do think of something it turns into some over-analyzed robot movement that is painfully awkward for everyone involved.

At a festival this summer I had a beautiful girl run up to me and ask for a hug. It felt amazing. The energy between us was full of warmth and love. She said I smelled like the Earth. haha! She clearly wanted to spend the night with me, But her friends were walking away. The time had come for me to say something, or do something.. anything. But my mind was blank. I stood there stupidly for a moment as she lingered, waiting for me to say something.. until I finally blurted out, "have a good night" or something to that effect. Instant facepalm. I let her walk away.

But we live to fight another day. Try not to let it bring you down.


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OfflineDr. P. Silocybin
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: Dr. P. Silocybin] * 2
    #19239325 - 12/07/13 01:25 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Sorry danlennon, I didn't mean to steal your thread with my own sob story. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I don't know if this applies to you too, but my theory is that I'm scared of intimacy. More so than rejection, or awkwardness, it is the fear of intimacy that paralyzes me in these situations. I'm more scared of success than I am of failure.

I've only had one serious relationship in my life. I opened up to that girl more than I have with anyone else. I let her see the real me, with all my quarks and flaws. That relationship ended up causing me more pain than I knew was possible.

While I desperately want companionship, and physical contact, part of me is terrified of falling in love again. So I think that is why I never put myself out there. Really, that is the root of all my social anxiety. Rather than risk being hurt again I've built walls around myself.

Shit, all I've done is talk about myself more. I'm really not trying to make this about me. I guess I'm hoping that you can relate to this? and that maybe reading my thoughts will help you sort through your own.


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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: Dr. P. Silocybin]
    #19239785 - 12/07/13 07:52 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I have the same issue OP. Massive social anxiety and lack of confidence. Made the first move for the first time in my life about 7 months ago and won it :shrug: You never know until you do it. I just try to be subtle so i have an easy way out of rejection. Then when i see that things are progressing i go for it.


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Offlinedanlennon3
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: Dr. P. Silocybin]
    #19241411 - 12/07/13 03:09 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Dr. P. Silocybin said:
Sorry danlennon, I didn't mean to steal your thread with my own sob story. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I don't know if this applies to you too, but my theory is that I'm scared of intimacy. More so than rejection, or awkwardness, it is the fear of intimacy that paralyzes me in these situations. I'm more scared of success than I am of failure.

I've only had one serious relationship in my life. I opened up to that girl more than I have with anyone else. I let her see the real me, with all my quarks and flaws. That relationship ended up causing me more pain than I knew was possible.

While I desperately want companionship, and physical contact, part of me is terrified of falling in love again. So I think that is why I never put myself out there. Really, that is the root of all my social anxiety. Rather than risk being hurt again I've built walls around myself.

Shit, all I've done is talk about myself more. I'm really not trying to make this about me. I guess I'm hoping that you can relate to this? and that maybe reading my thoughts will help you sort through your own.




No need to apologize, ANY input is good input... But I do think our situation is a little different. I am in no way afraid of intimacy or falling in love. I alsways considered myself a romantic person. And when it comes to getting intimate, I have a serious amount on confidence! I think my fears are more related to rejection. I feel like if I am rejected, thats its something wrong with me and I suppose I take this personally:undecided: Being afraid of how the person thinks of me is what stops me most likely.

I dont know how to go about fixing this problem. People may tell me "it doesnt matter what the person thinks", but that doesnt make me feel any better about the situation.


--------------------
"Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"



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OfflineDr. P. Silocybin
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3]
    #19241548 - 12/07/13 03:44 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

danlennon3 said:
I dont know how to go about fixing this problem. People may tell me "it doesnt matter what the person thinks", but that doesnt make me feel any better about the situation




Agreed, it's like trying to convince someone who is scared of heights to go rock climbing by telling them the harness will keep them safe. That doesn't make it any easier, because like most of our fears it's irrational.

Like you I'm confident once I get past the first move. But that never happens without making the first move, and that involves opening yourself up, being vulnerable. That's the aspect of intimacy that scares me. And it sounds to me like you have similar fears that are keeping you from going after what you want.

I don't really know how to go about fixing the problem either. I try to not take myself too seriously. It's difficult because I feel like I hold myself to an impossible standard of perfection. I'd say that if you can accept your imperfections then others will too. I think we need to try and keep in mind how small and insignificant we are. When you stop attaching importance to your actions it's a lot easier to relax and be yourself. But as always it's easier said than done. I wish you the best of luck man.


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Offlineakira_akuma
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: Dr. P. Silocybin]
    #19242152 - 12/07/13 06:44 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

one will come along that likes you for you, or never at all. you simply up the chances when you try to communicate (as you DO already) through the swathes of women whom in their desire to fit into the status quo, will do various things (uncaring, manipulative, cares about silly unimportant things ect) to avoid having a real relationship; either out of pity for whomever they feel doesn't "fit in", or out of some misplaced sense of what a "real relationship" is... (alpha male protection, money, big dick, it's only for sex, it's only because i "need someone" ect)


Edited by akira_akuma (12/07/13 06:53 PM)


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OfflineCheezymold
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Re: can NEVER make the first move [Re: danlennon3]
    #19242822 - 12/07/13 10:08 PM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I know exactly how you feel with it.  When I was a little younger, I was really bad with initiating too.  What I did was I changed my personal outlook.  Instead of thinking "do I have a chance" I ask myself "is this girl going to be worth my time invested?"  It is a cocky mentality, but it doesn't show.  It just gives a confident vibe even though I am not too confident in reality.

I wont walk up to any random attractive woman and just start talking to her either.  I tend to work with visual signs.  A good thing to practice is if you make eye contact with a woman(which I admit can be kind of unnerving), before averting your eyes, give her a friendly smile.  It gives you an opportunity to feel her vibe.  She might smile back just to be friendly or look away uninterested, which is always a possibility.  The ones I talk to keep pointing their eyes at me from time to time afterwords. 

Do not use pick up lines!  Unless the girl has a really good sense of humor and thinks its funny, it will probably not go well. Also don't approach groups of females.  That will make your life miserable lol.

I do something like this when I talk:

I look to see what they are wearing, the surroundings, or anything that visually shows their interests.  If nothing then I think of the place we are in. 

If a restaurant, maybe ask ask about their meal when they don't have a mouth full, or you can ask if they have tried a particular dish I have had and really enjoy and I suggest to try it.  I always apologize right after because it is a little rude, and I introduce myself. 

At clubs:  Wait a few minutes if you see somebody that showed the above signs.  Her date might be at the bar buying their drinks.  Make a comment about the music, the vibes, or ask to dance(which might be hard since I can't dance well to club music).  Then I introduce myself.

Once you have tried and have been rejected, the next time it happens isn't as bad.  Just remember that every person is different, and not to assume anything about them.  They might not be attracted to you, but at the same time they might be really attracted and not have the nerve to make a move. 

Oh, and always be a gentleman.  Hopefully this wall of text might give you a few thoughts.  Best of luck!


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