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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
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Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him...
    #19215015 - 12/01/13 10:30 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

My father is lately becoming a grumpy and nasty and mean old man. It has never been in his nature to become like that, he was always the gentle, sweet, and kind parent, so I chalk it up to hormones changes and "male menopause" that is causing him to be like this.

I've always been close to my father, but ever since he's become a bitter old man, I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to him. The only thing he wants to talk about is politics, which I like talking about too, but sometimes I need a break from talking about politics all day. So when I bring up other random topics (such as Mt. Everest or the cannibalism among warlords in Africa or facts about animals or psychic detectives, literally about anything in the world), or whenever I try to show him a funny video, he suddenly becomes grouchy and nasty and gets a bad temper over nothing.

When he gets like this, he says that all my interests are stupid, and that I'm wasting my time looking at such dumb stuff. He gets angry for no reason, and shouts that he doesn't want to have any participation with the same dumb crap that I watch and read. I only want to make small talk with him and socialize with him. But whenever I even try to strike up a conversation with him outside of politics, he suddenly gets a temper and screams at me.

He has never been like this, and only started acting like this maybe a year or two ago. It's so bizarre that he's become such a bitter and angry person, because this is not the father that I knew growing up.

I decided instead of talking to him we should do things together. I even signed us up for things like all-day horseback riding trails and pay for it. But each time he's with me, he starts lecturing me and keeps telling me that I need to find a hobby outside of my interests that is actually useful and meaningful.

How do I find another way to relate to him? How do you make a bitter old man happy?


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Offlinemylfgur
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Registered: 05/23/10
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215069 - 12/01/13 10:44 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I think that perhaps he is feeling slightly emasculated in his old age, and that he wants to stay within his comfort zone of conversation in order to maintain some dominance, moral high ground, etc. It's very important that parents come to recognize their children as thinking beings, not as subjects to be lectured to. While I'm sure he has a wealth of knowledge, you should try to make it clear that you do as well, and you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks. Maybe you could incorporate some kind of challenge to him, my family always seems to bond well over the game-show Jeopardy because the questions often come from all sorts of fields of knowledge, and it shows us that we all have our own personal interests and can come together constructively over something. We don't keep score or anything, we just blurt out answers and are impressed when someone gets them right. I think it's really all about respecting another being's mind and knowledge-base.

:twocents:  :twocents:


--------------------


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Offlinedontknow
It's all in the reflex


Registered: 07/05/13
Posts: 3,889
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: mylfgur] * 2
    #19215082 - 12/01/13 10:49 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Dear diary...


--------------------
:box:

The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. -Proverbs 15:14

:tripping2: :shroomer:  :trippinballs: :shroomin:

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of Life’s coming attractions.”
Albert Einstein


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Offlinemylfgur
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: dontknow] * 2
    #19215090 - 12/01/13 10:50 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

dontknow said:
Dear diary...



Gotta love the pub. Perhaps this should actually be in Sexuality and Relationships. You might get more serious responses there.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215110 - 12/01/13 10:57 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Some people soften with age, some don't.  It doesn't seem like there's much you can do with people who don't handle getting old well, and its not usually entirely their fault.

My parents and I have some tension where the don't like what I do, and I don't like them telling me how it is, but mostly they have softened with age and I appreciate that.  We get along now better than ever.  They used to be grumpy as fuck when I was a child because my dad worked so much and my mom had serious mood problems, which I think had a big impact on me, but I still love them.

Try to be patient and make sure you de-escalate hostile situations if you can.  It is a pain to always have to be the one to do that with family, but I think it is for the best especially when it comes to parents and old people.  My grandmother is really bitter and unhappy about everything and everyone, and she's not hesitant to let everyone know.  We all put up with it as there's not much to be done but it just sucks for everyone involved becuase we could all be that much closer if she'd learn to appreciate good things rather than always be focused on the bad.

Thats old people for ya tho.  Where we're all headed even you as much as you may loathe it :grin:


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InvisibleDawks
Jolly African Potato


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 4,935
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215112 - 12/01/13 10:58 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Crystal G said:
How do you make a bitter old man happy?




just love him. love is all you need


--------------------
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep


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Offlinenicechrisman
Interdimensional space wizard
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215130 - 12/01/13 11:04 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Sounds to me like he's probably realizing that he's disappointed with some of the decisions that you've made in your life. He probably thinks being harder on you may change your ways. Or he's just frustrated.

Maybe you should talk to him about it.


--------------------
"Cosmic Love is absolutelely ruthless and highly indifferent:
it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not."

John C. Lily

 


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Offlinedontknow
It's all in the reflex


Registered: 07/05/13
Posts: 3,889
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: nicechrisman]
    #19215143 - 12/01/13 11:06 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

wisdom from the wise chrisman :oldman: :wink:


--------------------
:box:

The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. -Proverbs 15:14

:tripping2: :shroomer:  :trippinballs: :shroomin:

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of Life’s coming attractions.”
Albert Einstein


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InvisibleTrentBoyett
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215147 - 12/01/13 11:08 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Microdose of psilocybin?

But if you tried showing him that gypsy show you were talking about the other day than I could see why he would react this way, I caught an episode of that the other day, what a horrible show.

But honestly I'm sorry, I can't even imagine how much that must suck to be going through.

Once men start to get older a lot of them just turn grumpy...:shrug:


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: nicechrisman]
    #19215182 - 12/01/13 11:15 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

nicechrisman said:
Sounds to me like he's probably realizing that he's disappointed with some of the decisions that you've made in your life. He probably thinks being harder on you may change your ways. Or he's just frustrated.

Maybe you should talk to him about it.




If he is a real hardcore conservative who has a certain way he needs his children to be in order to love them then maybe this is the case, but if it is fuck 'em.  You can love him and do what you can to have a relationship, but you won't chage him.

Crystal sounds like a pretty awesome daughter from what I hear, especially showing this level of concern for his wellbeing.

Doubt he would respond well to, "Hey pop you seem really bitchy lately, is it because you think I'm a failure?" or anything along those lines.  I say just keep doin what you're doing.  Looking for ways to connect and ways you can encourage him to stay engaged in the world around in constructive ways.


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Invisibletito123
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Registered: 01/23/10
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: dontknow]
    #19215197 - 12/01/13 11:20 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

My grandmother started being terribly mean and it was dementia-way meaner than your father though.


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 30 days
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: TrentBoyett]
    #19215207 - 12/01/13 11:23 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

mjmihalov said:
Microdose of psilocybin?

But if you tried showing him that gypsy show you were talking about the other day than I could see why he would react this way, I caught an episode of that the other day, what a horrible show.

But honestly I'm sorry, I can't even imagine how much that must suck to be going through.

Once men start to get older a lot of them just turn grumpy...:shrug:




Lol I don't show him those kind of shows. I sometimes watch those kind of shows with my mom when I'm at her house, but I always minimize the window whenever he walks into the room lol


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 30 days
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: nicechrisman]
    #19215217 - 12/01/13 11:25 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

nicechrisman said:
Sounds to me like he's probably realizing that he's disappointed with some of the decisions that you've made in your life. He probably thinks being harder on you may change your ways. Or he's just frustrated.

Maybe you should talk to him about it.




I got a job in an industry that I have no interest in, and graduated from college just to make my parents happy. I have no idea what else he wants

and, good responses so far everybody


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Offlinenicechrisman
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215220 - 12/01/13 11:27 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Well just judging based on what I've read of your posts, it seems to me that you engage in a lifestyle that an Asian father would not condone. Regardless of what other sacrifices you've made to please them.


--------------------
"Cosmic Love is absolutelely ruthless and highly indifferent:
it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not."

John C. Lily

 


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 30 days
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: nicechrisman]
    #19215233 - 12/01/13 11:30 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

nicechrisman said:
Well just judging based on what I've read of your posts, it seems to me that you engage in a lifestyle that an Asian father would not condone. Regardless of what other sacrifices you've made to please them.




And what makes you think I would share my lifestyle with my father in the firsy place? The only things he knows about is my past drug use, and he was much nicer back when I was using.


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Offlinenicechrisman
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G] * 1
    #19215247 - 12/01/13 11:32 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Parents often aren't nearly as clueless as we'd like to think they are.


--------------------
"Cosmic Love is absolutelely ruthless and highly indifferent:
it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not."

John C. Lily

 


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OfflineCrystal G
I'm a teapot


Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 30 days
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: nicechrisman]
    #19215258 - 12/01/13 11:35 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

nicechrisman said:
Parents often aren't nearly as clueless as we'd like to think they are.




UMMMM... I don't live with him, and when I go to my parents' for the week during the holidays, I never go out with friends or leave in the middle of the night. He is more clueless than it gets.


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OfflineThe Vapor
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215412 - 12/02/13 12:15 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Start slipping test into his meals. I know you have a connect for that.


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
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Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: The Vapor]
    #19215567 - 12/02/13 01:09 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

just listen to him and try to leave your opinions out of it. just listen, give him hugs, and give a kiss on the cheek when you leave. he may open up more eventually and will be less grumpy maybe, hopefully.


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Offliner00tuuu123
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Re: Father Becoming a Grumpy Old Man... I Don't Know How to Relate To Him... [Re: Crystal G]
    #19215885 - 12/02/13 04:29 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Crystal G said:
My father is lately becoming a grumpy and nasty and mean old man. It has never been in his nature to become like that, he was always the gentle, sweet, and kind parent, so I chalk it up to hormones changes and "male menopause" that is causing him to be like this.

I've always been close to my father, but ever since he's become a bitter old man, I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to him. The only thing he wants to talk about is politics, which I like talking about too, but sometimes I need a break from talking about politics all day. So when I bring up other random topics (such as Mt. Everest or the cannibalism among warlords in Africa or facts about animals or psychic detectives, literally about anything in the world), or whenever I try to show him a funny video, he suddenly becomes grouchy and nasty and gets a bad temper over nothing.

When he gets like this, he says that all my interests are stupid, and that I'm wasting my time looking at such dumb stuff. He gets angry for no reason, and shouts that he doesn't want to have any participation with the same dumb crap that I watch and read. I only want to make small talk with him and socialize with him. But whenever I even try to strike up a conversation with him outside of politics, he suddenly gets a temper and screams at me.

He has never been like this, and only started acting like this maybe a year or two ago. It's so bizarre that he's become such a bitter and angry person, because this is not the father that I knew growing up.

I decided instead of talking to him we should do things together. I even signed us up for things like all-day horseback riding trails and pay for it. But each time he's with me, he starts lecturing me and keeps telling me that I need to find a hobby outside of my interests that is actually useful and meaningful.

How do I find another way to relate to him? How do you make a bitter old man happy?


For what it is worth my dad just turned 75 and for years I tried to connect with him I've even gone as far as building him custom fly rods which he never used. (he taught me how to fish) Taught me to lift weights, I worked in the family business of and on for 30 some years. I fucked tons of shit up and me and my dad are like 2 peas in a pod all you can do is wait it out.


--------------------
:kingcrankey: Please report me to a Mod for hurting your punk ass hippie feelings :flipthebird: And all time Champion thread killer.:thatsayes:


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