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Offlinedrkkenny
Explorer

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 1,440
Loc: Down a well
Last seen: 5 years, 9 months
Delete.
    #19213508 - 12/01/13 04:09 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks.


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No More Stories Are Told Today, I'm Sorry They Washed Away // No More Stories, The World Is Grey, I'm Tired, Let's Wash Away.


God 2 read 10932148 Unread messages


Edited by drkkenny (12/02/13 03:13 AM)


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Offlineg00ru
lit pants tit licker
Male User Gallery


Registered: 08/09/07
Posts: 21,088
Loc: georgia, us
Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
Re: Boredom...if anyone can review this fictional piece. [Re: drkkenny]
    #19213607 - 12/01/13 04:37 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

fascinating read :thumbup: those are some very realistic and fully developed characters. I really found myself identifying with them. However, that is all this is, description of several characters (mainly Lolita). It starts off talking about this dude Adam, by the second paragraph it's about some nervous dude and Adam is just a comparison to make him seem more nervous, and then the rest is just about the gloriously conflicted hot girl.

So yeah it's awesome but it almost seems like what you would write before a novel, having developed the characters like this maybe you could actually create a plot with rising action, climax, and falling action.


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check out my music!
drowse in prison and your waking will be but loss


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Offlinestimpson
a superhero buddha
Male User Gallery


Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 1,336
Loc: ny
Last seen: 9 days, 23 hours
Re: Boredom...if anyone can review this fictional piece. [Re: g00ru]
    #19213665 - 12/01/13 04:51 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

wow, how much of this is based on personal experience?


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uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm... ... ...


ok.


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Invisiblebadchad
Mad Scientist

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 13,373
Re: Boredom...if anyone can review this fictional piece. [Re: drkkenny]
    #19213703 - 12/01/13 04:55 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I'm more of a technical writer, so my comments may not apply to fiction.  However, I find your style a bit "wordy".  I think you could be more concise, especially in your use of the word "had."  For example, I'd re-write the first two paragraphs as follows, with minor edits:

Quote:

drkkenny said:
Adam had recently enrolled himself into Harvard University after realizing he wanted to establish a firmer groundwork to his future. His mother also urged him to sign up for the highly prestigious school since she knew just how excellently superb everything there was. She remembered a former Bohemian who had left behind all his tradition & lifestyle to instead accustom himself to becoming a sci-fi soothsayer. Adams girlfriend had left him a month ago to feel more independent.

Lolita had met a nervous wreck in a doctors waiting room & noticed they both were reading the same magazine, “Silver Cradle”. Lolita noticed he seemed anxious because he kept squeezing this rubber ball as if it was a vice that would solve his problems. Lolita had half the mind to introduce herself & ease his problem of his seemingly uncontrollable urge to squeeze his vice. There was another man who looked almost too comfortable in his own skin & the possibility of him having a nervous breakdown & making a scene seemed impossible. Another man was obviously a man of great taste in clothes since he had a prim suit. She could sense the nervous man had a lack of color in his life & so finally approached him. She noticed as soon as she stood up he took his eyes off his magazine & stared at her as if he had already expected her to greet him..She had not beforehand planned to jump into his life with a desire to form a close bond to him, nor did his personality have a more captivating, addicting, & vital effect as Adam had on her when she met him two summers ago.






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...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge.  It is an indellible experience; it is forever known.  I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did.

Smith, P.  Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27.

...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely.

Osmond, H.  Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436


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InvisibleAdden
I'm a teapot
Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 39,201
Loc: Flag
Re: Boredom...if anyone can review this fictional piece. [Re: badchad]
    #19213908 - 12/01/13 05:43 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Posting for later when on a PC.

Not bad OP, keep practicing, a lot of writing skills can be garnered from reading different eras and canons of literature.

Badchad's corrections are spot on; try to stray from the things he's pointed out.


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