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Anonymous #1
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After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live
#19198778 - 11/27/13 11:25 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Man oh my god
I woke up and saw a positive post here and knew it was going to be a good day and things worked out. Even things that seemed like mistakes and mixups turned out to have lucky consequences. I spent the day to be productive, bond with my mom, and spend almost the whole time with my best friend. I got away with smoking my new stash I got after an awesome evening with family, and this was because I patiently waited for everyone to go to bed before smoking. I got high and... I had this like... religious revelation, where I thought of my mother as a woman of faith. This was all while I was in the smoking nook undetected and unsmelled, and I suddenly saw life through her eyes (inspired by a "lord watch over me" magnet holding up a picture of her graduating from college) and realized oh wow, she thinks we're going to see grandma and grandpa again literally and that jesus died for us and God loves us and watches over us, listening to our concerns and formulating solutions in response to our prayers. Angels were real and watched over us. Miracles happen, although only quirky ""how did that get here" poooossssible miracles ever happened (like a lost picture of a relative lost in a billfold that turned up in a towel drawer).
And I realized exactly how much she really did love me and how having me really was the happiest day of her life. And how I have hurt her deeply and stressed my aging dad out maybe sending him to an early grave, and how my brother came in and I held him and we actually grew up together--is anything more special? We shared our most precious years together and best of all, he looked up to me like a hero that whole time.
I went to my room crying and took a family picture from a couple years ago downstairs where I had a pillow and a quilt my mom had made me out of all my high school activity t shirts and lined with my college colors. I also went through drawers and seeing my brother and I younger and my parents and relatives and us all on vacation, I just burst into tears. I slid it away and picked up another set of photos, from which I took two me and my brother on the sofa together at christmas and me and him crouching next to my dad in a chair. Someone was coming downstairs into the living room floor so I slid the pictures back, wiped away what I'd cried (I couldn't possibly help it) and headed to slip into my nest on the sofa. I had microwave food but I had a breakdown after cooking that initially prompted looking for more pictures.
I looked a lot at my whole family... me, my younger brother, my beautiful mother, and my amazing dad all standing genuinely happy together at an honors event at my college that was taking family photos on family weekend.
And I think somewhere when I was still smoking in the bathroom, paranoid at every sound, that I started realizing like... wow... you (me/I) really don't deserve to live. You had every advantage in the world and a perfect family and you screwed it up with drugs and especially drinking and now you may have damaged your body because your hand shake but maybe that's from drinking 40-45 drinks over the 3rd and 4th days ago.
And I terrorized my family verbally the first night while falling all over. Probably 13-17 shots. The next night I vaguely remembered being surprised that half my 5th of captain morgan was gone that I'd gotten to supplement a pint of rum I finished earlier that evening. And also vaguely remember being in the bathroom, maybe before or after puking , seeing the captain morgan was totally empty and I had thrown it away in the family bathroom trash so I should hide it in my room instead, which I did and went to bed.
I woke up a little hungover and found out from my mom that I blacked out and physically assaulted everyone in my family and only she had stopped everyone from calling the police.
I've also failed them and taken things out on them and wasted tons of their resources due to my drug use which I did and abused at their own house. With lost college and medical bills (and even some money I'd stolen) and credit card bailouts they did for me, I may have pissed away 40-60 thousand dollars of a retired couple's savings. And yet all I do is tantrum about they should provide me a car and I blame them for almost everything and sometimes I'm nice, and even now 2-3 days after attacking them, we're all on great terms again and had a good family night. And yet I have such spite for their backfired, well-intentioned drastic help. I love them though and I will now cherish this as the most important thing in my life.
My best friend and I agreed I should never drink alone again and should avoid getting drunk/drink slow and low %.
I resisted the impulse to go buy booze tonight to fall asleep. Then weed happened instead. Hopefully I can sleep well tonight and have a good dream where my family and friends are in it.
I think most of what's kept me in a rut for a long time has been being away from friends and regular social interaction, and feeling like missing out or being prone to feel that way.
I've done horrible things on alcohol if used way excessively. I've said and thought terrible things on K2. I might just be super fuzzed out right now cause I just remembered I probably have some Kava Kava left in my system.
I just now kind of feel I don't deserve to live. Like... all that stuff in those photos, those happy people? That was real and now your life has been in a ditch for years and you've been horrible to them and put them through hell most of that time while they did EVERYTHING for you, growing up and through a lot of college. How could I be expected or be supposed to be able to move on?
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Magicman69
All About the Benjamins



Registered: 05/29/13
Posts: 6,876
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#19198894 - 11/28/13 12:10 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Hang in there
Edited by Magicman69 (11/28/13 12:11 AM)
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 days, 21 hours
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Magicman69]
#19198908 - 11/28/13 12:16 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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happy thought's and you'll fly
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
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RiparianZoneJunky
hunter/gatherer



Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 3,055
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Magicman69]
#19198935 - 11/28/13 12:25 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Get straight for a while and things will improve, I think we've all been to that excessive point where you hurt people, drink is one that will do that to you easy. I'm all for moderate drug use but people tend to get out of control in their teens and 20s. Not everybody lives through that phase of excess so take this as a wake up call and improve yourself, learn to party within the bounds of common sense. I certainly fucked up bad enough to have a few of those "fuck me I should be dead or in jail" moments but if you learn from your mistakes you will repair those relationships and have a shot at contentment. Taking a break from drugs to gain perspective is a positive thing and you can always go back later when you have a little more self control. A little weed or a drink now and then and some good psychedelics once ina great while do a body good. Good luck buddy.
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: RiparianZoneJunky]
#19199538 - 11/28/13 06:42 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Alcohol is such a shitty drug.
You probably didn't deserve to get away with getting blackout drunk and verbally assaulting others, that's for sure. I don't think you had that right.
But if you don't like yourself, it's hard to be nice to others.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: LunarEclipse]
#19209993 - 11/30/13 08:03 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Great post. Sounds like it really came written from the heart. Kudos for pouring it all out to us 
Quote:
My best friend and I agreed I should never drink alone again and should avoid getting drunk/drink slow and low %.
Sorry to say mate, but your best friend is an idiot. And you're not much brighter, or at least you're being one at this particular time. Drink with company? Drink slow? Drink low %? I tried finding a more tactful reply for this, but I have none. If you ruined your life with booze and are beating around the bush, looking to still drink it, you have to call a duck a duck.
I don't expect you to go cold turkey tomorrow, but I would think it logical to at least resolve to stop drinking, at least try, aim for it, as a plan to work on. Drink slow, drink with company and drink low % is just a plan of how to stay in the same exact shit you're in now. If you were a woman and got pregnant, you'd find a way to stop drinking. If your doc told you you will fucking die within the year if you ever drink again, you'd find a way to stop drinking. Now you didn't hit rock bottom yet, so you and your genius friend decided to "drink slow". Gimme a break.
I hope you get your act together. I'd say go hit some Ayahuasca, it will help you clean up, but you probably have no ceremonies anywhere in range, nor can you afford to travel that far at this time. Which is a shame.
Start planning to clean up your act in whatever way will work for you there, don't settle for a shitty life run by booze.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Spacerific]
#19215192 - 12/01/13 11:18 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hey, thanks everyone... I found the variety of posts very amusing and helpful--who'd have thought they'd be re-reading a morose "hang in there" whilst listening to "WE CAN FLY!!!" from Peter Pan lol.
I think you're all about right. Liquor is just horrible and seriously about half of my family (from me the crestfallen dropout to our ivy league professor on my fathers side) are alcoholics so
Quote:
Spacerific said: Great post. Sounds like it really came written from the heart. Kudos for pouring it all out to us 
@RIPARIAN: wonderful advice. I'm going to take it--not quite yet, but I'm gonna take it damn it.
Quote:
My best friend and I agreed I should never drink alone again and should avoid getting drunk/drink slow and low %.
Sorry to say mate, but your best friend is an idiot. And you're not much brighter, or at least you're being one at this particular time. Drink with company? Drink slow? Drink low %? I tried finding a more tactful reply for this, but I have none. If you ruined your life with booze and are beating around the bush, looking to still drink it, you have to call a duck a duck.
I don't expect you to go cold turkey tomorrow, but I would think it logical to at least resolve to stop drinking, at least try, aim for it, as a plan to work on. Drink slow, drink with company and drink low % is just a plan of how to stay in the same exact shit you're in now. If you were a woman and got pregnant, you'd find a way to stop drinking. If your doc told you you will fucking die within the year if you ever drink again, you'd find a way to stop drinking. Now you didn't hit rock bottom yet, so you and your genius friend decided to "drink slow". Gimme a break.
I hope you get your act together. I'd say go hit some Ayahuasca, it will help you clean up, but you probably have no ceremonies anywhere in range, nor can you afford to travel that far at this time. Which is a shame.
Start planning to clean up your act in whatever way will work for you there, don't settle for a shitty life run by booze.
And you... You sound like something I'd have made disparaging remarks about after I had a coarse encounter with you at an AA hall.
That said, while your (and AA's) advice is a bit cut-and-dry, I admire that you said what you did and so unapologetically. Life--as far as drinking goes--will turn out one of two ways for me:
-I cut that shit out completely and can brag to those in my shoes about what I've been through and that dammit! they can do it too...
-I quit binge drinking, I still have beer here and there and even party sometimes but never again will you see me bring home a bottle of hard liquor to polish off in solitude
The third option, which I suspect we're both most concerned with, is as follows:
-I continue binge drinking, and even if I don't manage to have a totally psychotic incident that puts me in jail or has me dead, my entire life is going to suffer and I will age faster, have lower quality of life, and die sooner compared to if I had quit or severely curtailed my drinking earlier
LunarEclipse, I think you're hella right too: they didn't deserve that, but it is hard to be nice to others when you feel this shitty about yourself and everything.
I think that this has enough gravity to it that instead of just making it a "wow that was weird and sad" incident post, it struck me (and has endured instead) as a "this will be a theme in your life if you don't get it under control" type thing instead (like, I was thinking about this at work, stone cold sober, and realized I still need to digest this).
Thanks for your replies!
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: st1llnox]
#19215831 - 12/02/13 03:51 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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You're forgetting the most important implication actually. Kids. If you're still a shmuck drinker by the time you have kids, you may try to slow down a bit then, but let's face it, that'll be too little too late. Having kids is stressful. In times of stress people revert back to their most stable habits. Like you know, showing up at a bar, or opening a bottle to "take off the edge" of kids screaming, wife being bitchy, what have you.
In short, you'll be with the alcoholic side of the family, and this is key, YOUR KIDS will have a great head start in that direction as well.
Now I do see that coming from an alcohol-fucked family gives you greater chance of hugging the bottle yourself, I'm just pointing out you may not want to put your kids in the same position you were put in. Same as beating, child molestation, it's a habit you may not want to pass on.
Right now, you and your best fried decided that it's ok to beat or molest your kids "just a little" or "a little less often". Maybe you understand where I'm coming from if I put it this way.
Your chances of meeting me at AA are zero. I never was a drinker, my dad was binging on occasion, I've always thought less of him because of it. Like seriously, alcohol? A lifetime on the blue planet and this is the best you could come up with? 
Anyway no need to moralize at you, good vibes and I sincerely hope you find more interesting things to play with. If I were you I'd just go somewhere with no alcohol and A LOT of shrooms and shroomers 
Or in fact any group of friends where drinking is frowned upon and people have other shit to do, will probably do half the work for ya. Go be a Baptist for half a year, start prepping for a marathon or Ironman, join a survivalist militia, any group with a purpose, that's incompatible with alcohol, should see you through.
Hanging out at a home half full of alcoholics and having a best friend who's a drinker, that's just bound to keep dragging you down, even if you have sincere intentions.
Good vibes, be all that you can be
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Spacerific]
#19217516 - 12/02/13 02:20 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Wow, space--GREAT reply.
To clarify on a couple things briefly, a) the rampant alcoholism among my relatives was (and still is) news to me and nobody in my immediate family drinks period, so I'm both sheltered and predisposed (perfect storm?) and b) my best friend HATES being drunk and is hardly a drinker.
If he (too) were a party animal, I think curtailing rather than outright eliminating drinking would be a failure or worse but the fact is that if I'm drinking with him, the gravity will be away from more and stronger drinks, period. I've still got to figure out moderation versus cessation, though, and especially after the advice on here (and your apt comparison) I will definitely be considering the latter.
That really puts it in perspective, though... the bit about being on this planet and not being able to find anything better to do.
Regarding mushrooms, I really think that doing a classic ("proper") psychedelic will be what helps give me the wings to lift myself out of this rut.
I LOVE your idea of doing incompatible things and I really miss running (and have been flirting with getting back into it, but just haven't gotten fully back into making it a habit). I think I'm going to go for a run this afternoon, and a marathon next year would be a great goal to keep me on track. 
Thanks for your thoughtful advice!
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 4,923
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: st1llnox]
#19219727 - 12/02/13 10:03 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Glad you're considering it. Good vibes once again
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Spacerific]
#19219897 - 12/02/13 10:33 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Spacerific said: Glad you're considering it. Good vibes once again 
Appreciated . BTW, went on not one run today, but two :happy: for a total of 2.5 miles .
I talked to a friend about this drinking thing and I'm going to have a little the next couple nights in order to be able to sleep well, and then I'm done either until Xmas or until New Years
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Ellis Dee
Archangel



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Re: After getting high after best day in years, I am shown I do not deserve to live [Re: Anonymous #1]
#19220085 - 12/02/13 11:17 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Consider changing your role. Instead of being the white knight be the black knight. Play the villain's role. Maybe you'll be a better villain and can do that role in society. There's nothing to it except learning to enjoy harming other people. Then you can start doing it more and more until its second nature and you will be a great villain, like black beard or dick cheney. Remember that the world needs villains too in the human game.
-------------------- "If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do."-King Solomon And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,
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