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OfflineRhizohunter
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Destined to be an alcoholic
    #19185232 - 11/25/13 12:59 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

The world doesn't feel right when I'm not drinking. I am full of so much anxiety and depression for no reason. I feel like if I could just deal with life on 7 or 8 beers a day I will be alright.

Maybe I should try to get a script to some xanax this week. I haven't felt this good in a long ass time, even after a few glasses of wine.

I've been through hell and back and just need to relax for once.


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OfflineEverything
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185247 - 11/25/13 01:07 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Tell us a bit about yourself. You are definitely not alone. I have anxiety all the time and it takes specific factors to break me from it, one of those is drugs and alcohol, which is more than one haha.

What triggers your anxiety or depression or is it nothing at all?


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Everything]
    #19185258 - 11/25/13 01:13 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Well, I started drinking alcohol pretty heavily around the age of 15 and didn't stop until January last year. I used psychedelic mushrooms as an agent to help myself get away from alcoholism and that turned into a ride that I didn't expect.

Went into a psychedelic rampage that ended with me going into a state of psychosis and "they say" I have schizoaffective disorder. Been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression.

Drinking a few drinks right now and having realizations about myself. They try putting me on all sorts of medications that don't help. Now I am going to a halfway house and feeling trapped.

Went from growing tons of mushrooms and having my own place to being thrown in jail and losing everything. Now I am happy just feeling some form of euphoria.


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InvisibleLordSenate
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185274 - 11/25/13 01:24 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

So you didn't expect that there might be a possibility of psychosis or any other negative psychological effects from taking mushrooms?


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: LordSenate]
    #19185283 - 11/25/13 01:31 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Not at all, I am still having trouble comprehending the fucked up things that happened. My reality was skewed beyond any imagination anyone else could understand. I saw and felt things that cannot be put into words.

In many cases I believed people could read my mind because peoples words and my thoughts were that aligned. Music and literature were lining up so  believed I was in a vortex of reality.

I was no longer hallucinating off the mushrooms, it was just the world I was living in. I would imagine something and no matter what happened during the day it would line up. It was like I was living in a world my mind created.

The mind can do some pretty crazy things. It opened me up to a new perspective on life though.


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InvisibleLordSenate
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185289 - 11/25/13 01:35 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

It is true that the mind can do crazy things but that's beside the point. I have absolutely no idea how anyone could possibly think that there isn't a possibility of some psychological disorder or stress  happening from taking any hallucinogenic.

Whether you were still hallucinating off of the mushrooms is besides the point, it still had messed with your brain enough to have you think the way you were.

I'm not necessarily going to say that it's bad thing given the fact that you say it gave you a new perspective on life. But still it's foolish to not think that anything that alters your brains chemistry might have serious repercussions.


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185297 - 11/25/13 01:41 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

The crazy part about it all is that psychosis can be quite enjoyable. It is like my mind has opened up connections that I didn't think were possible. I see reality in a new view, it is like music and the real world are connected.

I started to hear voices in my head around that time though, this is when it got really crazy. I started to get paranoid and fear seeing people. When I would hang out with friends I thought they were communicating with me telepathically. I could never say the words though, it was like if I said the word telepathic, the whole world would end. Like it was a big secret that could never be told.

My delusions were intense and still haunt me, even though I kind of miss the craziness. Psychosis can be pretty awesome at its times, especially with all the cocaine.


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InvisibleInto The Woods
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185310 - 11/25/13 01:53 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

You don't need 7 or 8 beers a day, you need good health, healthy relationships with people and a sense of purpose and fulfilment in life.

Think about the kind of person you'd like to be, the kind of life you'd like to live and take steps in that direction.

The hardest thing about depression is forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do, but you'll be glad you did when you come out the other side of it.

And also, if you abuse psychedelics, psychedelics will abuse you. I'm sorry that you learnt that the hard way. =/


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: LordSenate]
    #19185315 - 11/25/13 01:56 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I didn't really think much about what the mushrooms or DMT were doing to my brain at the time of the psychosis. I started reading revelations in the bible and everything in my life started lining up to the story. That was the biggest part of the psychosis, I couldn't distinguish between books and reality, or movies and reality.

I just feel at ease now that I am drinking. It's like I have been self medicating all these years and finally have proof or something.


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Into The Woods]
    #19185319 - 11/25/13 01:59 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I agree with you, but at the same time I don't. I have been struggling like this for years and have gotten to the point where I feel like I am a waste in society.

Kinda losing my place in the world right now. Not seeing a place anywhere in society for me.


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OfflineEverything
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185345 - 11/25/13 02:21 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Rhizohunter said:
Not at all, I am still having trouble comprehending the fucked up things that happened. My reality was skewed beyond any imagination anyone else could understand. I saw and felt things that cannot be put into words.

In many cases I believed people could read my mind because peoples words and my thoughts were that aligned. Music and literature were lining up so  believed I was in a vortex of reality.

I was no longer hallucinating off the mushrooms, it was just the world I was living in. I would imagine something and no matter what happened during the day it would line up. It was like I was living in a world my mind created.

The mind can do some pretty crazy things. It opened me up to a new perspective on life though.




I experienced the same thing through taking psychedelics on a twice a week basis for a while this summer. The funny thing is your not completely crazy for seeing the synchronicities, it's just that life doesn't mean anymore than it did before you noticed. The bible is based on the same earth, same humans, same problems that your life is. Musicians write songs about things we all experience and your friends can't certainly tell what your thinking sometimes if they know you well enough.


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InvisibleInto The Woods
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Registered: 04/20/13
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185347 - 11/25/13 02:24 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Don't succumb to that feeling, do something about it.

You don't have to be a waste to society, you don't have to feel that way. People worse off than you have worked through it, so can you.

As you do, you'll find yourself climbing out of the rut you're in, the negative state of mind will begin to pass and you'll inspire yourself to live a better life. The kind of life you want to live. But you can't just wait for things to change on their own, because they won't. You have to step out of your comfort zone.

Acknowledge what you should do to help yourself and approach life in a way that feels like you're doing the right thing and I promise, life gets better.


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Everything]
    #19185349 - 11/25/13 02:27 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

It's funny you mention the synchronizing because that was the most intense part. It was like my reality was being connected by some outside force. The DXM was definitely playing a roll in that department, but it was more than just drugs.

Or maybe not...


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OfflineBitter Cactus
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185354 - 11/25/13 02:33 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I'm the same as you. I like psychosis. When I take meth, the euphoric part is great. However one of the things I look most forward to is staying up to close to five, six days max so far, if the supply permits. Slowly entering a schizophrenic state of mind is interesting. I like sleep deprivation hallucinations more so than those of psychedelics. As time passes, thoughts and ideas which could easily be distinguished as out there and psychotic become comforting in a way. You can dismiss them for a certain amount of time. You can keep telling yourself it's not happening. Then after a certain point, small triggers, whether it is something someone says, a flashing light in the distance, something that stands between you and your safety and freedom can tip you over the breaking point.

I have had cases where sleep deprivation was easy to handle even after substantial periods of time. I have had it that only being up four days causes some crazy reaction. One time I ran away from what I thought were cops for a total of probably eight hours. I had a bag with over a gram of meth in it, could of been more, and I swallowed it all at once in a sandwich bag running through alley ways thinking I was being chased. Needles to say when that hit me, I turned into mother fucking superman but I completely broke from reality. No different then seeing a cop in real life. One would chase me down a road, single another on another road, then I would have a few behind me, then by the end of the night I had fucking packs of them chasing me at once. I ran around a giant police station parking area in the middle of the city hiding in bushes. I jumped into people's sheds, hid in someone's garage, where the owner was in there, must have called his parents. The garage door opens (this was actually happening) and fucking grabbed me and yelled "I got him". I ripped away from his grasp and sprinted across a field, then across a major intersection, cars fucking honking at me and all this crazy shit. I saw police choppers, thought I had been chased by police dogs. I still have no idea how much of it happened. All I know is me sprinting around, trespassing, doing the most sketchy shit you could ever see, like hiding under a person's deck, when he comes out asking if he can save you then he says "what in the fuck someone under my deck". I am sure that I attracted attention somewhere along the way and have no idea how I actually didn't get caught.

I think most of that happened after the probably ten to fifteen points of meth kicked in, after doing shots all day, smoking from a pookie, ect and only being up for maybe three days. I have been up six days maximum, still able to hold my shit together. I came home one time after not calling back for like three days, had been knifed, force fed pills, punched out, almost killed. My leg was covered in blood and I had stab wounds all over me. I show up at home looking like that with the car looking like shit inside. At this point my piss was filled with millions of little bugs. Looked like those sea monkeys you had as a kid. The ground covered in little pencil width worms, moving around very quickly. Despite the mental trauma and shit I went through this was amazing to me. I could sit back and enjoy it. I looked at the window in amazement, these shadow people that looked like they had on black capes would move around outside, and those worms were the size of giant caterpillars. I go into the shower to chill out. I close my eyes. Mathematical formula's appear in quick session, often being accurate to what I had recently learnt in school. I forgot to mention that on the way home, I had already been hearing voices for a day or two, but each car was suspected to be a cop car. I would hear radios of information passing through my mind that was becoming louder and louder but that didn't bother me. I became used to seeing, hearing things that were not there. PM me if you want to know what happened after this point. I have a sleep deprivation saved in my word documents that describes a completely real experience where I am in my flower garden hosting parties to kids from my school and having heart to heart conversations and smoking fake speed that would vanish from bushes.

I look forward to all this though. I haven't had anything trigger anything like running away from the cops. Ingesting a huge amount of meth all at once in a bag after doing a fuckload already probably should have killed me. However, the second story where my mind was still in tact, despite being up for close to a week, is a state of mind I actually enjoy. I'd rather be seeing shadow people then in the same state of reality I am used to every day. When I am able to attain these sleep deprived states of mind again it is almost comforting and reminds me of that time when...

Call me crazy.. I have seen it all and done it all in terms of psychosis. You are not alone.


--------------------
Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.




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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Bitter Cactus]
    #19185368 - 11/25/13 02:44 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I wish I could explain my delusions, but they are very strange. It is like everything is connected in your mind to make these detailed arrangements of the future. I had beliefs that I was an alien and whatnot, very strange ideas.

Your mind makes you feel like it is all real, but it isn't. It just makes me want to go back to the mind numbing reality of alcoholism.


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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185373 - 11/25/13 02:47 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Alcohol is a bad thing to be dependent on. I guess whatever floats your boat or whatever but IMO it's not worth the long term consequences to be addicted to it, I've seen too much shit.


--------------------


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OfflineBitter Cactus
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185376 - 11/25/13 02:48 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Rhizohunter said:
I wish I could explain my delusions, but they are very strange. It is like everything is connected in your mind to make these detailed arrangements of the future. I had beliefs that I was an alien and whatnot, very strange ideas.

Your mind makes you feel like it is all real, but it isn't. It just makes me want to go back to the mind numbing reality of alcoholism.




I got a gram of etizolam in the mail. It's comforting to be numb to this stuff. However, I don't experience it on a daily basis, in fact the opposite of that. I have what I consider a non distorted perception of my reality, so not schizophrenic at all. I've been there though in certain states and scene those connections. However, it only becomes a problem when you give into them. That's when you appear crazy to other people and land in the loony bin.

Like I said, meth can be the best feeling and the worst in one. It brings anyone with a sane mind, after could be days, weeks without sleep to this state. Other people experience it all the time. If I experienced that all the time I could never imagine. That's why when it happens, which it hasn't for months, because of lack of supply to sustain that time awake I have not returned. But I want to. It's just not worth what it could do to my family now that they know of my past use. I was able to keep this shit all hidden before it became known.


--------------------
Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.




Edited by Bitter Cactus (11/25/13 02:50 AM)


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OfflineRhizohunter
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Bitter Cactus]
    #19185378 - 11/25/13 02:50 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah, I guess I am just having problems with dealing with everyone elses reality. I am not asking for an easy way out or anything, I just seriously have problems with dealing with everyone elses reality.

Just some mental issues on my part I suppose.


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OfflineBitter Cactus
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
    #19185380 - 11/25/13 02:52 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Rhizohunter said:
I wish I could explain my delusions, but they are very strange. It is like everything is connected in your mind to make these detailed arrangements of the future. I had beliefs that I was an alien and whatnot, very strange ideas.

Your mind makes you feel like it is all real, but it isn't. It just makes me want to go back to the mind numbing reality of alcoholism.




I might be very far off, but I really wanna recommend kratom to you. It's comforting and makes you feel whole and is sustainable without long term consequences. I hate saying a certain drug can help you cope with your problems, but for me it did and in the past has helped me get through so much shit. I was happy to be separate from it for a really long time as well. Not nearly as addictive as alcohol.

I have no experience though with alcohol and it's negative effects. I have been drunk less times than I could count with my fingers.


--------------------
Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.




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OfflineThe_Ghost
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Bitter Cactus]
    #19185395 - 11/25/13 03:06 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Bitter Cactus said:
I'm the same as you. I like psychosis. When I take meth, the euphoric part is great. However one of the things I look most forward to is staying up to close to five, six days max so far, if the supply permits. Slowly entering a schizophrenic state of mind is interesting. I like sleep deprivation hallucinations more so than those of psychedelics. As time passes, thoughts and ideas which could easily be distinguished as out there and psychotic become comforting in a way. You can dismiss them for a certain amount of time. You can keep telling yourself it's not happening. Then after a certain point, small triggers, whether it is something someone says, a flashing light in the distance, something that stands between you and your safety and freedom can tip you over the breaking point.

I have had cases where sleep deprivation was easy to handle even after substantial periods of time. I have had it that only being up four days causes some crazy reaction. One time I ran away from what I thought were cops for a total of probably eight hours. I had a bag with over a gram of meth in it, could of been more, and I swallowed it all at once in a sandwich bag running through alley ways thinking I was being chased. Needles to say when that hit me, I turned into mother fucking superman but I completely broke from reality. No different then seeing a cop in real life. One would chase me down a road, single another on another road, then I would have a few behind me, then by the end of the night I had fucking packs of them chasing me at once. I ran around a giant police station parking area in the middle of the city hiding in bushes. I jumped into people's sheds, hid in someone's garage, where the owner was in there, must have called his parents. The garage door opens (this was actually happening) and fucking grabbed me and yelled "I got him". I ripped away from his grasp and sprinted across a field, then across a major intersection, cars fucking honking at me and all this crazy shit. I saw police choppers, thought I had been chased by police dogs. I still have no idea how much of it happened. All I know is me sprinting around, trespassing, doing the most sketchy shit you could ever see, like hiding under a person's deck, when he comes out asking if he can save you then he says "what in the fuck someone under my deck". I am sure that I attracted attention somewhere along the way and have no idea how I actually didn't get caught.

I think most of that happened after the probably ten to fifteen points of meth kicked in, after doing shots all day, smoking from a pookie, ect and only being up for maybe three days. I have been up six days maximum, still able to hold my shit together. I came home one time after not calling back for like three days, had been knifed, force fed pills, punched out, almost killed. My leg was covered in blood and I had stab wounds all over me. I show up at home looking like that with the car looking like shit inside. At this point my piss was filled with millions of little bugs. Looked like those sea monkeys you had as a kid. The ground covered in little pencil width worms, moving around very quickly. Despite the mental trauma and shit I went through this was amazing to me. I could sit back and enjoy it. I looked at the window in amazement, these shadow people that looked like they had on black capes would move around outside, and those worms were the size of giant caterpillars. I go into the shower to chill out. I close my eyes. Mathematical formula's appear in quick session, often being accurate to what I had recently learnt in school. I forgot to mention that on the way home, I had already been hearing voices for a day or two, but each car was suspected to be a cop car. I would hear radios of information passing through my mind that was becoming louder and louder but that didn't bother me. I became used to seeing, hearing things that were not there. PM me if you want to know what happened after this point. I have a sleep deprivation saved in my word documents that describes a completely real experience where I am in my flower garden hosting parties to kids from my school and having heart to heart conversations and smoking fake speed that would vanish from bushes.

I look forward to all this though. I haven't had anything trigger anything like running away from the cops. Ingesting a huge amount of meth all at once in a bag after doing a fuckload already probably should have killed me. However, the second story where my mind was still in tact, despite being up for close to a week, is a state of mind I actually enjoy. I'd rather be seeing shadow people then in the same state of reality I am used to every day. When I am able to attain these sleep deprived states of mind again it is almost comforting and reminds me of that time when...

Call me crazy.. I have seen it all and done it all in terms of psychosis. You are not alone.



That was a quality read. The bits about the math and hearing stuff/general hyperawareness makes me wonder how much of it could be more or less accurate under more controlled conditions. I believe shadow people exist in a plane of slightly different frequency from our own and can be seen under various conditions. Tons of cases of people seeing things like that sober, but in a state of heightened awareness. Theres demonologists and such out there. I know similar states can be reached with other substances, but it seems like with meth you're straight up overclocking your cpu way past what its designed to handle. That design wont stay the same forever as technology keeps progressing tho.


--------------------
/ / / / / / / LISTEN TO MY MUSIC: E X E D / / / / / / /
The universe gives no fucks. And takes no fucks.
May His Circuits Ever Function


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