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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Destined to be an alcoholic
#19185232 - 11/25/13 12:59 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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The world doesn't feel right when I'm not drinking. I am full of so much anxiety and depression for no reason. I feel like if I could just deal with life on 7 or 8 beers a day I will be alright.
Maybe I should try to get a script to some xanax this week. I haven't felt this good in a long ass time, even after a few glasses of wine.
I've been through hell and back and just need to relax for once.
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Everything
(~} ;-}



Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 5,157
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185247 - 11/25/13 01:07 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Tell us a bit about yourself. You are definitely not alone. I have anxiety all the time and it takes specific factors to break me from it, one of those is drugs and alcohol, which is more than one haha.
What triggers your anxiety or depression or is it nothing at all?
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Everything]
#19185258 - 11/25/13 01:13 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well, I started drinking alcohol pretty heavily around the age of 15 and didn't stop until January last year. I used psychedelic mushrooms as an agent to help myself get away from alcoholism and that turned into a ride that I didn't expect.
Went into a psychedelic rampage that ended with me going into a state of psychosis and "they say" I have schizoaffective disorder. Been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression.
Drinking a few drinks right now and having realizations about myself. They try putting me on all sorts of medications that don't help. Now I am going to a halfway house and feeling trapped.
Went from growing tons of mushrooms and having my own place to being thrown in jail and losing everything. Now I am happy just feeling some form of euphoria.
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LordSenate
One of the Lost


Registered: 09/15/02
Posts: 37,093
Loc: First Circle of Hell
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185274 - 11/25/13 01:24 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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So you didn't expect that there might be a possibility of psychosis or any other negative psychological effects from taking mushrooms?
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: LordSenate]
#19185283 - 11/25/13 01:31 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Not at all, I am still having trouble comprehending the fucked up things that happened. My reality was skewed beyond any imagination anyone else could understand. I saw and felt things that cannot be put into words.
In many cases I believed people could read my mind because peoples words and my thoughts were that aligned. Music and literature were lining up so believed I was in a vortex of reality.
I was no longer hallucinating off the mushrooms, it was just the world I was living in. I would imagine something and no matter what happened during the day it would line up. It was like I was living in a world my mind created.
The mind can do some pretty crazy things. It opened me up to a new perspective on life though.
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LordSenate
One of the Lost


Registered: 09/15/02
Posts: 37,093
Loc: First Circle of Hell
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185289 - 11/25/13 01:35 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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It is true that the mind can do crazy things but that's beside the point. I have absolutely no idea how anyone could possibly think that there isn't a possibility of some psychological disorder or stress happening from taking any hallucinogenic.
Whether you were still hallucinating off of the mushrooms is besides the point, it still had messed with your brain enough to have you think the way you were.
I'm not necessarily going to say that it's bad thing given the fact that you say it gave you a new perspective on life. But still it's foolish to not think that anything that alters your brains chemistry might have serious repercussions.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185297 - 11/25/13 01:41 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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The crazy part about it all is that psychosis can be quite enjoyable. It is like my mind has opened up connections that I didn't think were possible. I see reality in a new view, it is like music and the real world are connected.
I started to hear voices in my head around that time though, this is when it got really crazy. I started to get paranoid and fear seeing people. When I would hang out with friends I thought they were communicating with me telepathically. I could never say the words though, it was like if I said the word telepathic, the whole world would end. Like it was a big secret that could never be told.
My delusions were intense and still haunt me, even though I kind of miss the craziness. Psychosis can be pretty awesome at its times, especially with all the cocaine.
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Into The Woods
Quarantine King


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 10,864
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185310 - 11/25/13 01:53 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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You don't need 7 or 8 beers a day, you need good health, healthy relationships with people and a sense of purpose and fulfilment in life.
Think about the kind of person you'd like to be, the kind of life you'd like to live and take steps in that direction.
The hardest thing about depression is forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do, but you'll be glad you did when you come out the other side of it.
And also, if you abuse psychedelics, psychedelics will abuse you. I'm sorry that you learnt that the hard way. =/
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: LordSenate]
#19185315 - 11/25/13 01:56 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I didn't really think much about what the mushrooms or DMT were doing to my brain at the time of the psychosis. I started reading revelations in the bible and everything in my life started lining up to the story. That was the biggest part of the psychosis, I couldn't distinguish between books and reality, or movies and reality.
I just feel at ease now that I am drinking. It's like I have been self medicating all these years and finally have proof or something.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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I agree with you, but at the same time I don't. I have been struggling like this for years and have gotten to the point where I feel like I am a waste in society.
Kinda losing my place in the world right now. Not seeing a place anywhere in society for me.
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Everything
(~} ;-}



Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 5,157
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185345 - 11/25/13 02:21 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rhizohunter said: Not at all, I am still having trouble comprehending the fucked up things that happened. My reality was skewed beyond any imagination anyone else could understand. I saw and felt things that cannot be put into words.
In many cases I believed people could read my mind because peoples words and my thoughts were that aligned. Music and literature were lining up so believed I was in a vortex of reality.
I was no longer hallucinating off the mushrooms, it was just the world I was living in. I would imagine something and no matter what happened during the day it would line up. It was like I was living in a world my mind created.
The mind can do some pretty crazy things. It opened me up to a new perspective on life though.
I experienced the same thing through taking psychedelics on a twice a week basis for a while this summer. The funny thing is your not completely crazy for seeing the synchronicities, it's just that life doesn't mean anymore than it did before you noticed. The bible is based on the same earth, same humans, same problems that your life is. Musicians write songs about things we all experience and your friends can't certainly tell what your thinking sometimes if they know you well enough.
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Into The Woods
Quarantine King


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 10,864
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185347 - 11/25/13 02:24 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Don't succumb to that feeling, do something about it.
You don't have to be a waste to society, you don't have to feel that way. People worse off than you have worked through it, so can you.
As you do, you'll find yourself climbing out of the rut you're in, the negative state of mind will begin to pass and you'll inspire yourself to live a better life. The kind of life you want to live. But you can't just wait for things to change on their own, because they won't. You have to step out of your comfort zone.
Acknowledge what you should do to help yourself and approach life in a way that feels like you're doing the right thing and I promise, life gets better.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Everything]
#19185349 - 11/25/13 02:27 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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It's funny you mention the synchronizing because that was the most intense part. It was like my reality was being connected by some outside force. The DXM was definitely playing a roll in that department, but it was more than just drugs.
Or maybe not...
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Bitter Cactus
reformed bad boy



Registered: 01/26/12
Posts: 11,773
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185354 - 11/25/13 02:33 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm the same as you. I like psychosis. When I take meth, the euphoric part is great. However one of the things I look most forward to is staying up to close to five, six days max so far, if the supply permits. Slowly entering a schizophrenic state of mind is interesting. I like sleep deprivation hallucinations more so than those of psychedelics. As time passes, thoughts and ideas which could easily be distinguished as out there and psychotic become comforting in a way. You can dismiss them for a certain amount of time. You can keep telling yourself it's not happening. Then after a certain point, small triggers, whether it is something someone says, a flashing light in the distance, something that stands between you and your safety and freedom can tip you over the breaking point.
I have had cases where sleep deprivation was easy to handle even after substantial periods of time. I have had it that only being up four days causes some crazy reaction. One time I ran away from what I thought were cops for a total of probably eight hours. I had a bag with over a gram of meth in it, could of been more, and I swallowed it all at once in a sandwich bag running through alley ways thinking I was being chased. Needles to say when that hit me, I turned into mother fucking superman but I completely broke from reality. No different then seeing a cop in real life. One would chase me down a road, single another on another road, then I would have a few behind me, then by the end of the night I had fucking packs of them chasing me at once. I ran around a giant police station parking area in the middle of the city hiding in bushes. I jumped into people's sheds, hid in someone's garage, where the owner was in there, must have called his parents. The garage door opens (this was actually happening) and fucking grabbed me and yelled "I got him". I ripped away from his grasp and sprinted across a field, then across a major intersection, cars fucking honking at me and all this crazy shit. I saw police choppers, thought I had been chased by police dogs. I still have no idea how much of it happened. All I know is me sprinting around, trespassing, doing the most sketchy shit you could ever see, like hiding under a person's deck, when he comes out asking if he can save you then he says "what in the fuck someone under my deck". I am sure that I attracted attention somewhere along the way and have no idea how I actually didn't get caught.
I think most of that happened after the probably ten to fifteen points of meth kicked in, after doing shots all day, smoking from a pookie, ect and only being up for maybe three days. I have been up six days maximum, still able to hold my shit together. I came home one time after not calling back for like three days, had been knifed, force fed pills, punched out, almost killed. My leg was covered in blood and I had stab wounds all over me. I show up at home looking like that with the car looking like shit inside. At this point my piss was filled with millions of little bugs. Looked like those sea monkeys you had as a kid. The ground covered in little pencil width worms, moving around very quickly. Despite the mental trauma and shit I went through this was amazing to me. I could sit back and enjoy it. I looked at the window in amazement, these shadow people that looked like they had on black capes would move around outside, and those worms were the size of giant caterpillars. I go into the shower to chill out. I close my eyes. Mathematical formula's appear in quick session, often being accurate to what I had recently learnt in school. I forgot to mention that on the way home, I had already been hearing voices for a day or two, but each car was suspected to be a cop car. I would hear radios of information passing through my mind that was becoming louder and louder but that didn't bother me. I became used to seeing, hearing things that were not there. PM me if you want to know what happened after this point. I have a sleep deprivation saved in my word documents that describes a completely real experience where I am in my flower garden hosting parties to kids from my school and having heart to heart conversations and smoking fake speed that would vanish from bushes.
I look forward to all this though. I haven't had anything trigger anything like running away from the cops. Ingesting a huge amount of meth all at once in a bag after doing a fuckload already probably should have killed me. However, the second story where my mind was still in tact, despite being up for close to a week, is a state of mind I actually enjoy. I'd rather be seeing shadow people then in the same state of reality I am used to every day. When I am able to attain these sleep deprived states of mind again it is almost comforting and reminds me of that time when...
Call me crazy.. I have seen it all and done it all in terms of psychosis. You are not alone.
-------------------- Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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I wish I could explain my delusions, but they are very strange. It is like everything is connected in your mind to make these detailed arrangements of the future. I had beliefs that I was an alien and whatnot, very strange ideas.
Your mind makes you feel like it is all real, but it isn't. It just makes me want to go back to the mind numbing reality of alcoholism.
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Shroomism
Space Travellin



Registered: 02/13/00
Posts: 66,015
Loc: 9th Dimension
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185373 - 11/25/13 02:47 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Alcohol is a bad thing to be dependent on. I guess whatever floats your boat or whatever but IMO it's not worth the long term consequences to be addicted to it, I've seen too much shit.
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Bitter Cactus
reformed bad boy



Registered: 01/26/12
Posts: 11,773
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185376 - 11/25/13 02:48 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rhizohunter said: I wish I could explain my delusions, but they are very strange. It is like everything is connected in your mind to make these detailed arrangements of the future. I had beliefs that I was an alien and whatnot, very strange ideas.
Your mind makes you feel like it is all real, but it isn't. It just makes me want to go back to the mind numbing reality of alcoholism.
I got a gram of etizolam in the mail. It's comforting to be numb to this stuff. However, I don't experience it on a daily basis, in fact the opposite of that. I have what I consider a non distorted perception of my reality, so not schizophrenic at all. I've been there though in certain states and scene those connections. However, it only becomes a problem when you give into them. That's when you appear crazy to other people and land in the loony bin.
Like I said, meth can be the best feeling and the worst in one. It brings anyone with a sane mind, after could be days, weeks without sleep to this state. Other people experience it all the time. If I experienced that all the time I could never imagine. That's why when it happens, which it hasn't for months, because of lack of supply to sustain that time awake I have not returned. But I want to. It's just not worth what it could do to my family now that they know of my past use. I was able to keep this shit all hidden before it became known.
-------------------- Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.
Edited by Bitter Cactus (11/25/13 02:50 AM)
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
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Yeah, I guess I am just having problems with dealing with everyone elses reality. I am not asking for an easy way out or anything, I just seriously have problems with dealing with everyone elses reality.
Just some mental issues on my part I suppose.
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Bitter Cactus
reformed bad boy



Registered: 01/26/12
Posts: 11,773
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185380 - 11/25/13 02:52 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rhizohunter said: I wish I could explain my delusions, but they are very strange. It is like everything is connected in your mind to make these detailed arrangements of the future. I had beliefs that I was an alien and whatnot, very strange ideas.
Your mind makes you feel like it is all real, but it isn't. It just makes me want to go back to the mind numbing reality of alcoholism.
I might be very far off, but I really wanna recommend kratom to you. It's comforting and makes you feel whole and is sustainable without long term consequences. I hate saying a certain drug can help you cope with your problems, but for me it did and in the past has helped me get through so much shit. I was happy to be separate from it for a really long time as well. Not nearly as addictive as alcohol.
I have no experience though with alcohol and it's negative effects. I have been drunk less times than I could count with my fingers.
-------------------- Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.
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The_Ghost
ゴースト


Registered: 03/27/07
Posts: 15,802
Loc: USG Ishimura
Last seen: 11 months, 2 days
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Quote:
Bitter Cactus said: I'm the same as you. I like psychosis. When I take meth, the euphoric part is great. However one of the things I look most forward to is staying up to close to five, six days max so far, if the supply permits. Slowly entering a schizophrenic state of mind is interesting. I like sleep deprivation hallucinations more so than those of psychedelics. As time passes, thoughts and ideas which could easily be distinguished as out there and psychotic become comforting in a way. You can dismiss them for a certain amount of time. You can keep telling yourself it's not happening. Then after a certain point, small triggers, whether it is something someone says, a flashing light in the distance, something that stands between you and your safety and freedom can tip you over the breaking point.
I have had cases where sleep deprivation was easy to handle even after substantial periods of time. I have had it that only being up four days causes some crazy reaction. One time I ran away from what I thought were cops for a total of probably eight hours. I had a bag with over a gram of meth in it, could of been more, and I swallowed it all at once in a sandwich bag running through alley ways thinking I was being chased. Needles to say when that hit me, I turned into mother fucking superman but I completely broke from reality. No different then seeing a cop in real life. One would chase me down a road, single another on another road, then I would have a few behind me, then by the end of the night I had fucking packs of them chasing me at once. I ran around a giant police station parking area in the middle of the city hiding in bushes. I jumped into people's sheds, hid in someone's garage, where the owner was in there, must have called his parents. The garage door opens (this was actually happening) and fucking grabbed me and yelled "I got him". I ripped away from his grasp and sprinted across a field, then across a major intersection, cars fucking honking at me and all this crazy shit. I saw police choppers, thought I had been chased by police dogs. I still have no idea how much of it happened. All I know is me sprinting around, trespassing, doing the most sketchy shit you could ever see, like hiding under a person's deck, when he comes out asking if he can save you then he says "what in the fuck someone under my deck". I am sure that I attracted attention somewhere along the way and have no idea how I actually didn't get caught.
I think most of that happened after the probably ten to fifteen points of meth kicked in, after doing shots all day, smoking from a pookie, ect and only being up for maybe three days. I have been up six days maximum, still able to hold my shit together. I came home one time after not calling back for like three days, had been knifed, force fed pills, punched out, almost killed. My leg was covered in blood and I had stab wounds all over me. I show up at home looking like that with the car looking like shit inside. At this point my piss was filled with millions of little bugs. Looked like those sea monkeys you had as a kid. The ground covered in little pencil width worms, moving around very quickly. Despite the mental trauma and shit I went through this was amazing to me. I could sit back and enjoy it. I looked at the window in amazement, these shadow people that looked like they had on black capes would move around outside, and those worms were the size of giant caterpillars. I go into the shower to chill out. I close my eyes. Mathematical formula's appear in quick session, often being accurate to what I had recently learnt in school. I forgot to mention that on the way home, I had already been hearing voices for a day or two, but each car was suspected to be a cop car. I would hear radios of information passing through my mind that was becoming louder and louder but that didn't bother me. I became used to seeing, hearing things that were not there. PM me if you want to know what happened after this point. I have a sleep deprivation saved in my word documents that describes a completely real experience where I am in my flower garden hosting parties to kids from my school and having heart to heart conversations and smoking fake speed that would vanish from bushes.
I look forward to all this though. I haven't had anything trigger anything like running away from the cops. Ingesting a huge amount of meth all at once in a bag after doing a fuckload already probably should have killed me. However, the second story where my mind was still in tact, despite being up for close to a week, is a state of mind I actually enjoy. I'd rather be seeing shadow people then in the same state of reality I am used to every day. When I am able to attain these sleep deprived states of mind again it is almost comforting and reminds me of that time when...
Call me crazy.. I have seen it all and done it all in terms of psychosis. You are not alone.
That was a quality read. The bits about the math and hearing stuff/general hyperawareness makes me wonder how much of it could be more or less accurate under more controlled conditions. I believe shadow people exist in a plane of slightly different frequency from our own and can be seen under various conditions. Tons of cases of people seeing things like that sober, but in a state of heightened awareness. Theres demonologists and such out there. I know similar states can be reached with other substances, but it seems like with meth you're straight up overclocking your cpu way past what its designed to handle. That design wont stay the same forever as technology keeps progressing tho.
-------------------- / / / / / / / LISTEN TO MY MUSIC: E X E D / / / / / / / The universe gives no fucks. And takes no fucks. May His Circuits Ever Function
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: The_Ghost]
#19185398 - 11/25/13 03:13 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I started to do some strange things during psychosis, like ripping up newspapers and throwing them out windows, covering mirrors with garbage bags, and putting cigs out on the floor. Voices kept telling me to do odd behaviors.
Never thought my life would hit a point like this, but it seemed so real. Felt like I was being controlled by spirits from another realm. I still wonder these possibilities.
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Bitter Cactus
reformed bad boy



Registered: 01/26/12
Posts: 11,773
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185412 - 11/25/13 03:29 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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The symptoms I experienced aren't always from the brain being hyper driven on meth. It's the sleep deprivation part of it, so whether you are super spun or not is irrelevant. Actually being really spun keeps your mind going after a certain time and when you start coming down then the memory gaps and scattered thoughts and sentences occur.
Sleep deprivation = schizophrenic mindstate
Like it feels I can straight up relate to someone with these mental disorders even though I don't have them.
-------------------- Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.
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Bitter Cactus
reformed bad boy



Registered: 01/26/12
Posts: 11,773
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Alright, here is meth psychosis. I was in a skype chat and don't feel like editing the format. This was the chat the morning after being up for six days and what happened. This is the time that right before this I had almost been killed and am looking at the stab wounds right now.
Basically none of this happened it was a hallucination. "Pint" is what people from my area call meth.
[13-06-28 6:08:31 PM] Bitter Cactus: let me give a quick story [13-06-28 6:08:50 PM] Bitter Cactus: It was late at night and I was ready to go to sleep [13-06-28 6:09:09 PM] Bitter Cactus: the floors were covered with pencil width worms, looking further away they were bigger [13-06-28 6:09:29 PM] Bitter Cactus: i took a seroquil and went to take a shower [13-06-28 6:09:59 PM] Bitter Cactus: when i would close my eyes, mathematical formula's would appear before my eyes. theywould change one after another without stopping and were usually accurate equations [13-06-28 6:10:22 PM] Bitter Cactus: i wanted to hang out, called jay and he wasn't able to come because of work [13-06-28 6:10:32 PM] Bitter Cactus: i then decided i would hang out and have some people over [13-06-28 6:11:00 PM] Bitter Cactus: a few of my buddies would drop in here or there and get some pint. i really wanted a shot of heroine and i remember one group made one for me. [13-06-28 6:11:18 PM] Bitter Cactus: i bring the shot over, close the blinds and when i turn back everyone in the room is gone and so is the shot [13-06-28 6:11:29 PM] Bitter Cactus: i look around every object in the computer room and still can't find it
[13-06-28 6:11:38 PM] Bitter Cactus: more people come and go [13-06-28 6:12:01 PM] Bitter Cactus: i keep getting frustrated because I was having normal conversations and thought it was all real but people would just randomly leave when i turned away [13-06-28 6:12:29 PM] Bitter Cactus: i searched around my house for them and they were all gone and i knew they didn't go out the front because the door was locked [13-06-28 6:13:04 PM] Bitter Cactus: i remember this just continued on. i was constantly trying to get more drugs and would ask people for hits and shit [13-06-28 6:13:32 PM] Bitter Cactus: then, i remember walking outside and i see that kid spencer (who stole brianna) with other chicks in my flower garden having heart to heart converssations [13-06-28 6:14:17 PM] Bitter Cactus: he gets really loud and attracts some attention from police. i handle the situation well and tell him to calm down. [13-06-28 6:15:05 PM] Bitter Cactus: I hang out with the chicks on moly and I talk about how much molly sucks compared to meth. i felt like after a while they didn't say too much. [13-06-28 6:15:21 PM] Bitter Cactus: more people came to the party in the garden in front of my house. i had a really good time actually [13-06-28 6:15:28 PM] Bitter Cactus: then, they eventually leave [13-06-28 6:15:41 PM] Bitter Cactus: more people from my school come over [13-06-28 6:15:55 PM] Bitter Cactus: at this point, it had been a while since I had any pint [13-06-28 6:16:29 PM] Bitter Cactus: they began sparking up bowls of pint and passing it around. i kept asking when it was my turn to hit the pipe but they said i didn't share so why should they [13-06-28 6:17:24 PM] Bitter Cactus: i started to become a little frustrated and called up ryan to get some pint from me and valium [13-06-28 6:17:53 PM] Bitter Cactus: he eventually shows up, then hints for me to go to the van and i see these native guys. i try and open the door but they don't let me in and ask to see my friend [13-06-28 6:18:13 PM] Bitter Cactus: my buddy takes a long time, and eventually comes through. he takes forever package and organize the crystals [13-06-28 6:20:02 PM] Bitter Cactus: the people from my school, who would never hit pint soon joined in. they didn't have any pipes. they would find a very dense plant, spread the breaches apart and create a pipe in the middle with it made from the plant itself [13-06-28 6:20:16 PM] Bitter Cactus: I would often go digging through my plants when they were sparking the nature bowls [13-06-28 6:20:49 PM] Bitter Cactus: I found that no matter how much i tried to hit the nature bowls it wasn't working and was convinced whatever they were smoking was not meth [13-06-28 6:22:51 PM] Bitter Cactus: i got frustrated and asked ryan for the real deal. he takes a chard out of his pocket, then liquifies it and the liquid is placed in the plant and travels down the stem. i thought it was a cultural way of smoking meth but was frustrated because it took them so long to do it. the meth would collect at the end of the branches and would form into meth acorns which could be extracted [13-06-28 6:24:53 PM] Bitter Cactus: however, every time i extracted the meth i would only get such small amounts it wasn't worth it. i kept sitting into different parts of my garden to whoever had a pipe going. they preferred hitting the pipe in the trees. sometimes the branch of the tree would transform into a pipe, then just as I was about to grab it it would dissapear.
[13-06-28 6:28:47 PM] Bitter Cactus: i go inside and tell my dad about it to make sure everything is alright. everyone is still sitting outside but my mom is concerned about me and goes and talks to them. she talks to them, and brings them somewhere so she can figure out what the hell is going on. [13-06-28 6:31:23 PM] Bitter Cactus: I sense a change of mood. My mom must have told them something. I keep asking for pint, and i remember them all looking at me almost about to cry. I knew I fucked up and couldn't stop looking for more. I paid for three points, but all of it was taken from me because my friends didn't want me getting high. i told him I wanted to get the points and leave. He finally agrees, puts the points in a small bag and instead of handing it over he puts it on the branch of the tree and it disappears again. [13-06-28 6:32:19 PM] Bitter Cactus: I finally say fuck this. I didn't believe there was any way the magical vine would dissolve my own paper cup. i ask ryan to once again give me the meth, but he sends it down the stem of the tree
[13-06-28 6:33:36 PM] Bitter Cactus: i had a few cups where I would try and catch the meth dew that would drop from the meth sacks that collected at the end of the branches. it just didn't seem to work at all and I was about to start a fight because I couldn't hold in my anger. I told him I wanted to have a good time but it was ridiculous that I was the only one that night that wasn't able to get high, when I was the one paying for their supply. i think i took some seroquil and eventually went to bed [13-06-28 6:33:56 PM] Bitter Cactus: I just found out an hour ago there was nobody over at all last night
-------------------- Taking acid and thinking you are a better man is a lot different then actually becoming a better man.
Edited by Bitter Cactus (11/25/13 03:33 AM)
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Everything
(~} ;-}



Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 5,157
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185423 - 11/25/13 03:42 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I think it's better to notice the funny intrincities of life but to be able to, as hard as this sounds, look from another perspective and see how your observations of what seem like truth are silly. I like all the weird ideas I have because the process used to create them and analyze them is the same process i can use for humorous jokes, or perceiving how others think. It's useful to have these weird thoughts on the synchronicities of life if you can draw A line for yourself.
Basically let it bring you great humor and entertainment, go figure out your brain frequencies and try to make a song out of it. Use your psychosis for art. Draw a picture of your friend walking into the room and giving you that stare like he knew what you were thinking. Depict these feelings in some form of art, whatever you do don't try to preach them as if they were gospel. We all have our own realities and we certainly don't need anymore "prophets" or Christian people spreading the word of god, which is how people that take psychedelics seriously sound.
...ah sweet meth chat!
Damn dude... That's insane,was it like a dream? Was it like people right in front of you? How did it feel?
Edited by Everything (11/25/13 03:48 AM)
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vinsue
Grand Old Fart



Registered: 02/17/04
Posts: 17,953
Loc: The Garden State(NJ)
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19185700 - 11/25/13 07:32 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rhizohunter said: Well, I started drinking alcohol pretty heavily around the age of 15 (me too)...
They try putting me on all sorts of medications that don't help.(Were you mixing street drugs with them ?)
Now I am going to a halfway house and feeling trapped. (I'm going to a Whole way house for 30 days, but I really need this.) .
Have ya seen the Shadow people yet?
Dude I hear weird shit often; my dead dog barking, door bells/ phones ringing, voices (not talking to me, just talking), pretty constant Tinnitus, some times music... I just kinda 
to you, but Alcoholism never ends well...  . . .
--------------------
"All mushrooms are edible; but some only once." Croatian proverb. BTW ... Have You Rated Ythans Mom Yet ?? ... ... HERE'S HOW ... (be nice) . ...
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: vinsue]
#19239231 - 12/07/13 12:37 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I've been off the shit for a while and the only time I feel content with myself is when I'm drinking. They just put me on Abilify, so I am seeing if that makes me feel any better.
wholeway house, that's a good one... I understand that finding a way to live life sober is good, but everything is so fuckin boring. I lost interest in everything, and am just not seeing how a halfway house will help.
Maybe I'm being close minded right now.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19281789 - 12/15/13 11:25 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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This is bullshit, I have felt suicidally depressed all week and no joy out of life. I drink 1 beer and I feel a thousand times better.
Am I destined to be an addict or what. It's like my mind finally woke up and gave me a hug.
My doctor has me on depaakote and abilify right now which I believe is making me worse. Maybe I should just get off the meds and see what happens.
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Into The Woods
Quarantine King


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 10,864
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19282328 - 12/16/13 03:22 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Here's an idea: Buy a plane ticket and just travel somewhere you've always wanted to see but never thought you would. Go and fucking find yourself.
Desperate times call for desperate and sometimes drastic measures.
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Into The Woods
Quarantine King


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 10,864
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Quote:
Into The Woods said: You don't need 7 or 8 beers a day, you need good health, healthy relationships with people and a sense of purpose and fulfilment in life.
Think about the kind of person you'd like to be, the kind of life you'd like to live and take steps in that direction.
The hardest thing about depression is forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do, but you'll be glad you did when you come out the other side of it.
And also, if you abuse psychedelics, psychedelics will abuse you. I'm sorry that you learnt that the hard way. =/
Quote:
Into The Woods said: Don't succumb to that feeling, do something about it.
You don't have to be a waste to society, you don't have to feel that way. People worse off than you have worked through it, so can you.
As you do, you'll find yourself climbing out of the rut you're in, the negative state of mind will begin to pass and you'll inspire yourself to live a better life. The kind of life you want to live. But you can't just wait for things to change on their own, because they won't. You have to step out of your comfort zone.
Acknowledge what you should do to help yourself and approach life in a way that feels like you're doing the right thing and I promise, life gets better.
Quoting myself for the damned truth.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Quote:
Rhizohunter said: "they say" I have schizoaffective disorder..
Care to join me Psychiatrist Hunting after society collapses?
God I'm just not even going to start. Just one of those diagnoses alone can and very possibly will ruin a persons life, but clearly if something bad happens from an acute dose of a hallucinogen during its acute effects, suddenly you either are damaged goods, or were always damaged goods and that brought it out from its "underlying" modality.
Most GP's recognize acute psychosis for what it is, but shrinks and psychdocs seem need to sign you up for the club; besides, they'd be putting themselves out of some work and income if they merely told people that they're probably going to be fine.
I was making headway to bona fide alcoholism recently. Another shroomerite helped pry me away from that as a stop-drinking buddy (though we need to regroup methinks) and while I'm "drinking again", it's been in moderation and socially; I turned a beer down today without even realizing it/thinking about it (which is weird as fuck for me lol).
Why not use a softer drug like weed, though? Alcohol is Such. A. Hard. Drug. when used liberally and frequently.
Quote:
Into The Woods said: You don't need 7 or 8 beers a day, you need good health, healthy relationships with people and a sense of purpose and fulfilment in life.
Think about the kind of person you'd like to be, the kind of life you'd like to live and take steps in that direction.
The hardest thing about depression is forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do, but you'll be glad you did when you come out the other side of it.
And also, if you abuse psychedelics, psychedelics will abuse you. I'm sorry that you learnt that the hard way. =/
Wow ^^^^ this this this this all of it.
Also, if you're going to go the entheogen route, perhaps a traditional setting/substance would help facilitate healing? I can't speak from experience but some of these ceremonial "tripping" sessions seem like they do more than wonders for people.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Into The Woods
Quarantine King


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 10,864
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: st1llnox]
#19282456 - 12/16/13 04:56 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Into The Woods
Quarantine King


Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 10,864
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Oh shit, that greamlin was inappropriate. Sorry.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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LOLLERS INTOTHEWOODS!!! 
Hey OP BTW, within a few days of quitting drinking/getting drunk, my depression pretty much completely went away and I could feel happy most of the time again, although then I had to see what I'd done to those I love and myself for what it was and that was another despair of its own.
You'll be amazed at feeling emotions for what they're meant to be again, though; I would't trade this for a magical keg of Captain Morgan that doesn't give hangovers (I'd say of Maker's Mark but I'd definitely OD lol).
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19282537 - 12/16/13 05:45 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Does the world feel right when you're drinking? Or is that just some approximation because you don't know any better? If you're going down that road, fuck the xanax, go out clubbing and add a new hot piece of ass into the mix every night... Release some tension . You're selling yourself short imho, live while you're young.
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: CosmicJoke]
#19285228 - 12/16/13 05:55 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I'm just in a weird place in my life right now, and I am kinda trapped in isolation at my grandparents. I'm out of town and it is too cold to go anywhere, since I don't have my license. I have friends and shit, but it is a hassle, because most of them don't have vehicles, and getting to and from my grandparents is a hassle.
I've pretty much been stuck in a room with a laptop since I got out of jail. I've drank 3 times in that period and each time I've drank my mood has changed so dramatically for the better it's making me wonder.
I drank 4 beers last night and I feel surprisingly better today than I would have if I didn't drink. I'm on a weird sleep schedule right now where I am up all night and sleep all day though. This is one of the things I need to change, but it is difficult.
Everything in life just got really complicated in a short period of time. It's fucking with my mind.
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: Rhizohunter]
#19287369 - 12/17/13 06:40 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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that does sound rough, but you know you what you really want is a job, car, and your own place... meditate, don't medicate ... you need your wits about you to make this happen... don't drink alone, drink when you have your own place to take some hottie back home.
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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VeryStrangeMan
Weirdo


Registered: 10/25/13
Posts: 230
Loc: Somewhere I belong.
Last seen: 20 days, 1 hour
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Re: Destined to be an alcoholic [Re: CosmicJoke]
#19287459 - 12/17/13 07:37 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I used to drink (mostly alone) since age 14. I stopped after doing LSD for first time. And now I feel completely lost, depressed out of my mind, tangled in lies, broke, dead. But I don't wanna touch alcohol and I feel good about it, I guess. Before I thought I am gonna be like my father, alcoholic. Now I am unsure if I will be at all. But I won't drink, that's for sure (and I can't afford either). So I get what you are saying OP. I also have this anxiety, depression, mood swings. But I think you can fight it, with time.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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BIPOLAR!!! Lithium 600mg TID and we'll add Seroquel and Prozac next visit.
... is what a doctor would say StrangeMan so be careful if you seek medical help about this.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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