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TheApprentice
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Registered: 09/25/11
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12 days clean. looking at the fire... 1
#19151715 - 11/17/13 08:43 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Looking at what's left after the fire.
I started using heroin in July.
had been clean for 15 months.
my gf left me, started getting high.
she came back, except I was already addicted physically again.
hid it from her for months. she left me 2 weeks ago. 2 days before I got on suboxone.
now I'm clean. And I look for the things I lost in the fire.
I'm sad. Really sad. Was supposed to get married.
12 days straight...
and all I want to do is get high because I'm so sad.
and I have no friends. I'm lonely
side note, my mushrooms wouldn't grow while I was using. Do you think they knew? And they didn't want any part of it?
I really used to feel connected to them and life for that matter.
now I'm just a shell of the person I was standing in ashes of a life that I used to love.
now what?
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice] 4
#19151720 - 11/17/13 08:44 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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now what? climb up out of the hole you're in.
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k00laid
NEMO


Registered: 05/03/10
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: memes] 9
#19151729 - 11/17/13 08:45 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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ordinary men hate loneliness
but the master makes use of it
for he knows that he is alone with the entire universe.
-------------------- AMU - AMU Q & A - MyVideo Teks!
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: memes]
#19151743 - 11/17/13 08:49 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I have some plans.
new grow coming soon.
new years eve was our special day
and I'm scared that she really meant she never wants to talk t me again.
my heart physically hurts and I have no one to talk to but you shroomery.
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice] 1
#19151757 - 11/17/13 08:50 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheApprentice said:
my heart physically hurts and I have no one to talk to but you shroomery.
I know that hurt.
we're here.
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AD420



Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 772
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: memes]
#19151764 - 11/17/13 08:52 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: k00laid]
#19151767 - 11/17/13 08:52 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
k00laid said: ordinary men hate loneliness
but the master makes use of it
for he knows that he is alone with the entire universe.
koolaid
what do u think about the mushrooms not growing for me?
do u think they knew? Every single jar and tub contaminated the last 4 months. Crazy. And they used to grow so easy for me.
it makes me wonder if the contaminant was me. they could feel my vibration?
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19151778 - 11/17/13 08:54 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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maybe they knew theyd be turned into dope money.
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k00laid
NEMO


Registered: 05/03/10
Posts: 19,636
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19151786 - 11/17/13 08:55 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheApprentice said:
Quote:
k00laid said: ordinary men hate loneliness
but the master makes use of it
for he knows that he is alone with the entire universe.
koolaid
what do u think about the mushrooms not growing for me?
do u think they knew? Every single jar and tub contaminated the last 4 months. Crazy. And they used to grow so easy for me.
it makes me wonder if the contaminant was me. they could feel my vibration?
impossible for me to say
-------------------- AMU - AMU Q & A - MyVideo Teks!
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: memes]
#19151804 - 11/17/13 09:00 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
memes said: maybe they knew theyd be turned into dope money. 
right! It really makes me wonder. Its like they wanted no part of it.
I really don't know how to deal with this loss.
I know I'm clean so that counts for something.
I'm even weening myself off the suboxone.
only taking about 2mgs now.
I just want to be done.
today is just hard  I feel like crying.
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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k00laid
NEMO


Registered: 05/03/10
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19151811 - 11/17/13 09:02 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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its ok to cry
-------------------- AMU - AMU Q & A - MyVideo Teks!
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unam sanctum



Registered: 04/20/11
Posts: 6,702
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19151823 - 11/17/13 09:04 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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you're welcome here if you need a safe place and a friend. you seem like you have it pretty much together though. typing it out helps
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berdinwall
<3 whooooshhh


Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 4,276
Loc: West Virginia
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: memes] 1
#19151826 - 11/17/13 09:05 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
memes said: now what? climb up out of the hole you're in.


I feel exactly like you do man. In almost every aspect except I didn't just break up with anyone. But the rest is spot on. Actually you have one on me, you've quit your addiction.
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: berdinwall]
#19151869 - 11/17/13 09:15 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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My friend actually paid for my doctor visit and the medicine. It cost him around $500 total.
I hated myself in my addiction because I knew I was going to lose what I loved.
now I have. But I'm clean.
and it makes me want to use.
into the fire.
thank you everyone for talking.
I feel so alone now.
I hate that she just threw me away. like how can she not even miss me? after a year, just thrown into the fire.
but it was my fire... Fuck. sucks even more
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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unam sanctum



Registered: 04/20/11
Posts: 6,702
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19151902 - 11/17/13 09:23 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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sounds like you were in love or the relationship was so comfortable if felt like you might have been. must be nice. focus on what you want and how to to get it.
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Hellogoodbyedeath

Registered: 03/24/12
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: berdinwall]
#19151905 - 11/17/13 09:24 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Lots of love from me to you! I cannot relate very well to your situation, but I am always up for a talk if you need it.
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memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
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cry it out man. feels good to cry.
cry and cry and cry more. when you're done crying, force yourself to keep crying. at some point, you'll feel ridiculous and your crying will be done.
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Hellogoodbyedeath

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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: memes]
#19152023 - 11/17/13 09:44 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
memes said: cry it out man. feels good to cry.
cry and cry and cry more. when you're done crying, force yourself to keep crying. at some point, you'll feel ridiculous and your crying will be done.

Great advice. I always feel better after a good cry.
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TheApprentice
back at it



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Quote:
unam sanctum said: sounds like you were in love or the relationship was so comfortable if felt like you might have been. must be nice. focus on what you want and how to to get it.
I was in love. First time for real. 31 years old.Quote:
Cojo said: Lots of love from me to you! I cannot relate very well to your situation, but I am always up for a talk if you need it. 
thank u. Love uQuote:
Cojo said:
Quote:
memes said: cry it out man. feels good to cry.
cry and cry and cry more. when you're done crying, force yourself to keep crying. at some point, you'll feel ridiculous and your crying will be done.

Great advice. I always feel better after a good cry. 
I can't cry. Haven't been able to.
I just hurt.
the reality of it is all setting in tonite
and I can't make myself feel happy
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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berdinwall
<3 whooooshhh


Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 4,276
Loc: West Virginia
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19152137 - 11/17/13 10:06 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm really sorry. I know how it feels man. I had my heart broken once. Sorry to say but it took me 5 months to get over her. That's a long time to feel depressed. But then one day you will find that you go all day without even thinking about her once. Life just goes on. It does
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: berdinwall]
#19152169 - 11/17/13 10:12 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Ya.
I just hate being thrown away.
txt message breakups awesome.
I JUST WANT TO GET FUCKED UP!
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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KillerPicklez



Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 16,920
Loc:
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19152250 - 11/17/13 10:31 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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You arent clean until you are off of suboxone. Using suboxone isnt any different than using dope. You are still getting a fix
But congrats on the start of rehabilitation. It's a very very tough road and I can speak from experience
Best thing I can recommend is finding a hobby that you find rewarding and maybe picking up a job if you dont already have one. Having something to fill your time will really help
NA meetings help a lot too for the initial quitting stage and recovery. You will find plenty of people willing to help you out in your recovery
Good Luck
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schwarg



Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 2,817
Loc: San Diego
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: KillerPicklez]
#19152328 - 11/17/13 11:02 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Got broken up with about 6 months ago ending a near 4 year relationship. I was feeling fine the first month or two afterward but then I just nose dived. Past two months been a lot better. I've just been thinking about how I managed to keep on while I was for the most part single until age 20. But sure, it will always hurt.
Do things where you can meet people, go places you've always wanted to go. That's only real way to deal with loneliness, not sitting in your room by yourself. Don't turn people down for hanging out just because you feel shitty about what happened. As far as dealing with addiction, can't help you on that front, only drugs I'm hooked on are caffeine and nicotine...
I'll send good vibes your way.
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EnemaOfState
Chief



Registered: 10/24/13
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: schwarg]
#19152394 - 11/17/13 11:22 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Yo keep on it with the recovery man. You get yourself clean, and you can get your life back. Lots of love man, peace.
-------------------- A Pretty Big Grizmatik Undergroundzies Conspiracy Too weird to live. Too rare to die.
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: EnemaOfState]
#19152558 - 11/18/13 12:19 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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2 weeks ago i started the 8mg suboxone doses.
last week cut myself down to 4mg doses.
the past 2 days I've been cutting the strips into 3 sections.
planning on not taking one tomorrow.
I think I'm done with the withdraws.
I have a job. I work full time,
and I'm trying my hand at my mushrooms again.
it just sucks tonite.
smoked some weed. Feels better.
thanks u everyone for talking.
sometimes you just need to know someone is out there.
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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Sanpedrox
North of the wall


Registered: 08/25/13
Posts: 198
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19152763 - 11/18/13 02:49 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Using got you into this situation, do you really think using again is going to make it any better? Yeah you are going to feel good for a while but what will the repercussions be...
Stay off the horse, get your life sorted then prove to your girl who you've broken trust with that you are trustworthy once again.
Hope all goes well brother.
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Turtletotem
Dutch Delight


Registered: 09/02/13
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: Sanpedrox]
#19152776 - 11/18/13 03:06 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Good luck my friend, what you are going through now will help you become stronger then you have ever been. You have been through a lot, but you have come far, climbing out of your pit. Don't give up!
Also, I bet your shrooms will start growing again real soon, now you're off the heroin. But maybe wait until you feel a bit more stable, or use them with a close friend. Good vibes for you my friend!
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V1rusH0st
¸.♥´´¯`•.¸¸.ღƸ̵Ӝ̵Ʒ



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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: Turtletotem]
#19152804 - 11/18/13 03:29 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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One day at a time. It took me well over a year of getting clean off of heroin to really feel like things were going to be "ok" and even longer to start to come to terms with all that I had lost, the people in my life, the opportunities I blew, the time that had gone by. But things will get better. I never did believe that until they did. Felt like I could never come to terms with what I did, feel alive again, find happiness. But just try if you can to believe that if you keep staying clean just for today that the days will turn into weeks, into months, and so forth. And then you will start to find that life is enjoyable again. And if you need support, don't feel afraid to ask for it. I am not a fan of NA or AA, the doctrine or alot of times the people, but I needed it so badly in the beginning I was going twice a day. It helped.
Sorry if it sounds preachy but what you said just strikes me deeply since I know where you are coming from.
Hang in there. Using might numb out the pain, but it will just reset the clock on what you are going through now and the time until you can move past it and feel normal again.
edit: Oh, and also...KRATOM. It was pretty much what got me through the suboxone withdrawals which were not nearly as agonizing as heroin, but still pretty bad. They had me on 24mg a day (3 8mg strips). Weaned myself down to 2mg a day but even the withdrawals from that were pretty brutal. Kratom made the withdrawals almost non existant. And then weening down off kratom wasnt that hard and I went through like 1 day of withdrawal. Long process, but much less pain than cold turkey.
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"They are trained to believe, not to know. Belief can be manipulated. Only knowledge is dangerous." Frank Herbert
Edited by V1rusH0st (11/18/13 03:32 AM)
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KillerPicklez



Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 16,920
Loc:
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: TheApprentice]
#19153830 - 11/18/13 12:09 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheApprentice said: 2 weeks ago i started the 8mg suboxone doses.
last week cut myself down to 4mg doses.
the past 2 days I've been cutting the strips into 3 sections.
planning on not taking one tomorrow.
I think I'm done with the withdraws.
I have a job. I work full time,
and I'm trying my hand at my mushrooms again.
it just sucks tonite.
smoked some weed. Feels better.
thanks u everyone for talking.
sometimes you just need to know someone is out there.
Nice get off the suboxone and get your life in control
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Shortknight



Registered: 02/25/13
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: KillerPicklez]
#19154835 - 11/18/13 03:39 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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You got this one Apprentice.

Shorty
-------------------- Did I say it too loud? Big heart? Or a little misleading!
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TheApprentice
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Re: 12 days clean. looking at the fire... [Re: Shortknight]
#19154970 - 11/18/13 03:58 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Today I feel better.
had 2 job interviews.
no suboxone today. No noticeable withdraws.
I look healthier for sure. noticed that today.
thanks for everyone's support.. I emailed her an apology letter. told the truth about everything without being dramatic.
very simple and straight forward.
most likely too little too late, but at least the words are out of my head and not haunting me.
hopefully my spore print came today. gonna dive into that tonite.
love u guys.
I'm worried about new years eve cuz that was our special night
gotta do something more awesome than her to make a new memory
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RR Videos -Best $9 Ever Spent * No Pour AGAR Tek * Easy COIR Trays! * Pink Oysters on Newspaper TEK "Yeah? Well, DRACULA called... and he said he's coming over tonight, and I said OK!"
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