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Offlinebabydoll
trippy bitch
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Registered: 03/20/10
Posts: 1,740
Loc: pennsylvania
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why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] * 1
    #19103992 - 11/08/13 04:35 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/


Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :smile: I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.


Marriage is about family.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.


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death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders, smooth as raven's claws


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InvisibleChiefGreenLeaf

Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 1,596
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: babydoll]
    #19104058 - 11/08/13 05:36 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

That is one of the most beautiful messages I've ever read. The essence of tantric love is contained herein. Divine


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
Stranger
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: ChiefGreenLeaf]
    #19104900 - 11/08/13 10:37 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Except that once again someone is attaching the inherent goal of having children to having a relationship which I think is pretty dumb.

Quote:

More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children.




That's a ridiculous assumption about what a relationship "should be".


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Offlinebabydoll
trippy bitch
Female


Registered: 03/20/10
Posts: 1,740
Loc: pennsylvania
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: pwnasaurus]
    #19105643 - 11/08/13 01:17 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

it was a good article ok the whole point of it is to realize the bigger picture that its not all about you


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death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders, smooth as raven's claws


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Offlinepsyconaught
Chemical Connoisseur


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 6,100
Last seen: 7 years, 3 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: babydoll]
    #19105750 - 11/08/13 01:43 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i disagree with the article. If your not happy why the fuck are you marrying someone?


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Think for yourself, question authority


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Offlinebabydoll
trippy bitch
Female


Registered: 03/20/10
Posts: 1,740
Loc: pennsylvania
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: psyconaught]
    #19106059 - 11/08/13 02:49 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

it went over your head. to me i took it as the author felt like he was missing something and wanted more when the whole time it was in front of him.


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death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders, smooth as raven's claws


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Offlinepsyconaught
Chemical Connoisseur


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 6,100
Last seen: 7 years, 3 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: babydoll]
    #19106092 - 11/08/13 02:55 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

no it didn't go over my head. I understood his point i just disagree with it.


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Think for yourself, question authority


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OfflineBlack_Sunset
Amateur Anesthesiologist
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Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,451
Loc: Somewhere California
Last seen: 5 years, 8 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: psyconaught]
    #19106163 - 11/08/13 03:06 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks for sharing... I think everyone needs this realization time and time again


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Offlinezappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: Black_Sunset] * 2
    #19107282 - 11/08/13 07:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I read the whole thing.  It was an apologia for being an inconstant, self absorbed douche.


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OfflineJesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: Black_Sunset]
    #19107323 - 11/08/13 07:34 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

bullshit. a marriage is a legally binding contract recognized by our government and carries heavy implications with it.

be fucking selfish if you're considering marrying. It's your life, and it's perfectly rational to be extremely cautious in a world of high divorce rates, alimony/child support and the legal system of parasites that entails, and alllllll the other bullshit associated with the downsides of marriage. So BE selfish when you choose to bind your life with someone else until you die.

don't be some dumb shit thinking you can fix anything by throwing around love and selfless happy rainbow unicorn sunshine flavored bullshit. fucking hippy tripe :ilold:


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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.


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InvisibleDudits
Tao

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 233
Loc: West coast
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: zappaisgod]
    #19107355 - 11/08/13 07:41 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Good article, I live to see my wife smile. For me the key to fulfillment really is to serve others. Its just hard to remember that the way we are programmed these days.


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OfflineJesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: Dudits]
    #19107376 - 11/08/13 07:45 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Dudits said:
Good article, I live to see my wife smile. For me the key to fulfillment really is to serve others. Its just hard to remember that the way we are programmed these days.



it's not about how people are programmed. though we live in a culture full of narcissism, it is still completely rational to be skeptical of marriage as an institution at this point.

there's something to be said for self sacrifice and loving others
on the flip side
there's something to be said for self preservation.


--------------------


And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.


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InvisibleDudits
Tao

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 233
Loc: West coast
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: JesusIsLord]
    #19107459 - 11/08/13 07:59 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusIsLord said:
Quote:

Dudits said:
Good article, I live to see my wife smile. For me the key to fulfillment really is to serve others. Its just hard to remember that the way we are programmed these days.



it's not about how people are programmed. though we live in a culture full of narcissism, it is still completely rational to be skeptical of marriage as an institution at this point.

there's something to be said for self sacrifice and loving others
on the flip side
there's something to be said for self preservation.




Agreed, a some degree of common sense should be used, sometimes I forget that a majority of society has not been blessed with the ability to use common sense. Also im not really even all that big on marriage. The only reason me and my wife got married was so she could get my benefits, otherwise we would do not put any stock in the added title. But I believe the meaning in the article should be applied to all relationships.


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OfflineKonyap

Registered: 06/30/07
Posts: 33,945
Loc: Planet Piss
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: Dudits]
    #19107847 - 11/08/13 09:18 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I thought marriage was about single vagina and babies so it seemed alright with me.


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OfflineThe5thElement
Smile Friends :)
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 4,675
Loc: Canada Flag
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: Konyap]
    #19113341 - 11/10/13 05:28 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I didn't read the article but I want to share that I think the OP was beautiful, and the insights shared makes a lot of sense to me. I understand some points made from the other posters, it's too bad you guys decided to project  your negativty and shit all over this thread :peyotezen:


It's ok though, it's probably necessary in some way or another. Just don't forget the world isn't always so bleak. There's beauty in some of these moments too.


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OnlinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,812
Loc: Ottawa Flag
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Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: The5thElement]
    #19113398 - 11/10/13 06:16 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Still not getting married :shrug:

Sorry, nice try though


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OfflineThe5thElement
Smile Friends :)
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Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 4,675
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Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: Patlal]
    #19116472 - 11/10/13 06:31 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I probably won't either, but who knows... Shit changes :shrug:


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Offlineakira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: The5thElement]
    #19116739 - 11/10/13 07:21 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

this article is about how marriage sucks the life out of you, because you never marry the person you "love" because love is an arbitrary and fake "fawning" over someone to gain their support. it's weak-minded drivel.

or at least... that's how people treat the institution of marriage AND their relationships, because people are inherently big fat lying idiots with nothing to live for but stuffing their gullets and making money so they can feel valuable. they wanna make this aspect of their lives easier, so they think they can have mutual agreements with someone over one another's "charity".


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OfflineThe5thElement
Smile Friends :)
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Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 4,675
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Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: akira_akuma]
    #19117929 - 11/10/13 11:09 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I'm sure not every person get's married because of all that.

If two people feel like getting married because of whatever reason, let em.  :shrug:

I'm sure there are people who love each other enough and feel that getting married is kinda a way to finalize their agreement that they want to be together till they die or whatever, sometimes that works out, other times it don't  :interracial:  :talkingtowall:


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Offlineakira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
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Re: why marriage (or a relationship) isn't for you [a good read] [Re: The5thElement]
    #19117954 - 11/10/13 11:15 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

love is like that.


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