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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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A journal entry from years ago
    #19103117 - 11/07/13 09:59 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Well, it’s been just about 2 years since my last rant, so I figure it’s about that time, isn’t it? I don’t believe this one will be as poignant as I don’t have the same level of rage and bitterness but lots of bad shit is still there so it should work. Anyway, I’m already boring myself so let’s get to it:


In the last two years after I wrote my rant on how fucked up my life was, I have tried to commit suicide three times. Two of them were during psychotic episodes – yes, I started having real schizophrenic episodes shortly after writing the rant – one of them was just out of boredom and hopelessness. The “psychotic episodes” started happening after I met a guy named Jose off the internet and he showed me faith in humankind again, the eyes to see beauty and a heart to feel love instead of hate. He showed me an eternal sacred side of life that I can’t get back to these days.


I have a psychiatrist, a doctor, a case worker and a case worker/nurse. I’m also applying for disability welfare so I can move out of this house. I moved out for a month on my dad’s money and felt guilty so I moved back in.


After I met Jose, my back got better. I’ve been put in the mental hospital four fucking times since I met him. Nobody can explain the weird coincidences and strange events that happened to me in the last two years except call it off as “psychotic episodes’. I won’t even get into what I mean, just to say that I now know that it is possible to make a woman climax over the phone just by talking.


Anyway, that’s enough about the past isn’t it? What’s going on now? I’ve been sober almost a year (unless you count the 5 or 6 drinks I’ve had) and I go swimming regularly. Swimming was one of the keys in recovering my peace of mind after I no longer had Jose feeding me positive energy – swimming, yoga, meditation, deep breathing and faith in something higher.


Up until just a few weeks ago, I was going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting almost every day. I found a lot of inspiration and hope in them, but now I find them to just be a waste of my time! I find I have once again found myself in a hopeless miserable state of mind. The only difference is this time I’m not abusing drugs. But it’s almost worse because I can actually be outside myself observing my own disintegration and see how I am becoming exactly like the way my brother is who I used to so righteously judge and condemn. It is a real bite in the ass.


What do I do? Last year around this time is when I tried to commit suicide by mixing pills and alcohol. I don’t know how to get out of my head, out of the fear. I still go swimming but meditating and yoga aren’t cutting it any more. This could all be a phase though. I had some good months for once in my life this year. I went on a fun camping trip and when I did end up in the hospital I actually made friends and socialized and felt incredibly peaceful and serene. This was all spoiled when I left the hospital on a weekend visit and visited my old buddy Harrison and I feared that I had not changed enough, that I was still annoying like he was, and so this was my downfall. The fear became manifest, and the prophecy was fulfilled.

I’ve got a part time job right now but I’m thinking of quitting it. It’s too inconsistent and repetitive. But at the same time I don’t think I’d be employable for a real job – I’m just too much of a mess, once again. I don’t know why I find myself in these states of minds. The doctors would say I get absorbed too much – I spend too much time in my head. Other people say I have too much time on my hands. I’ve been listening a lot to other people a lot lately because I feel like I can’t really figure this out on my own. Plus, I don’t have drugs to “unlock the keys to my mind”. I don’t think drugs were ever really doing that, just temporarily changing my mood and mind but always making me come down after. Having the natural high was so much better.


Once again my mind is playing tricks on me and is making me doubt my future and my choices; am I good looking enough to find a mate? Can I make anything of myself worth being proud of? I know that these questions just creep up because they CAN, when my self esteem is vulnerable and my mood is low. It’s just bullshit. I know that. The amazing thing is how much insight I had into my own condition two years ago and how much what I wrote still applies to me today. There are a few differences.


I think I know my parents a bit better now. They are not the fucked up negligent parents I once thought they were. How can I blame them? I mean, how do you deal with someone who starts to viciously withdraw socially and represses their anger so that it becomes like walking on egg shells trying to communicate with them? This, at least, is how I perceive other people to perceive their relationship with me. I don’t really know. I’m not the best judge of things all the time. I do know that I’d like to be back to where I was when I was hospitalized the third time – equal with everyone, easy-going, friendly. There is not much better in this life than loving yourself and having love to give to others.


Does it make a difference that I’ve been there? It doesn’t seem to. I still get lost in the same traps and this time I have no drugs to mask the person I am becoming, a person I loathe to the very core. I’m talking about a scared, weak, uptight person. But alas, people say I’m too hard on myself. Well, I’ve got to be hard on myself if I want to fight these things. I can’t just give in right? I’ve tried to believe that I’ve put up a good fight but at every signpost I cross with caution signs all over indicates to me that I’m giving right into the trap, and not battling it at all. I don’t even know what I’m suppose to be battling, or how!


This is all so very dry and uninteresting, isn’t it? How could it be interesting when it’s the same old story of the last… ten years? Maybe more than ten years? Let me tell you some of the fucked up shit that’s happened to me.


By the way, I’m not in school or working at a real job right now. My number one priority is recovering to a sane state of mind. That being said, here’s some fucked up shit:


On a peak night of my second psychotic episode (the first one being the magic mushroom induced episode where I believed I was a messiah) I got into a fight with a big guy. He knocked me down and I got up and for some strange reason I had the urge to ask him “do I know you?” and he actually replied “you know me, Ben”. Now, I had never met this guy in my life. When he was laying punches on me he was saying “where are your friends this time?” as if we had fought before but I had never seen this guy before until that night. I am sure of it. I’m not even sure if this guy was real or just a complete illusion.


That’s another thing I found out these last two years. My suspicions were true; everything is just an illusion layered over an illusion – the waking world is nothing but a denser dream and we are all one dreamer. Here’s another fucked up thing:


I came home one day through the side door of the house. I see the lights on downstairs and I hear my dad talking loudly on the phone with someone and laughing. I go to walk downstairs and the lights are out and nobody is there. What the fuck? Another thing: cigarettes falling on me from the sky. Another thing: seeing 10 couples walking in front of each other and all moving off to the side to sit down when I get near them and then hearing a preacher speak in front of thousands of people that “you may have noticed couples together holding hands. You can have this too if you walk in the path of god”. The last one may seem like a bit of a stretch but if you were there you would have also swore that god was talking directly to you.


That doesn’t even scratch the surface. Sitting in one place for three hours while I build up energy as someone sits across from me assisting me in my process and then starting to laugh hysterically and start feeling amazing just breathing. Starting to cry in random places, hearing messages exactly when I needed to hear them and seeing something in someone’s eyes that showed me that I was being guided towards a white light at the end of the dark tunnel.


It’s been a strange fucking two years. I don’t see Jose anymore. Or Andrew Jack. I saw Max and Ryan for the first time in a long time a couple weeks ago. I still see Darren pretty regularly but probably not for much longer as he is moving again. Shit happens, things change. I never did see A.J again after my first hospitalization. My first hospitalization was strange as hell; I was seeing things (the grim reaper), hearing things (“don’t go to sleep”), and feeling weird things (burning or sharp pains when my parents would touch me gently). I’ll tell you one thing – you meet some interesting people in mental hospitals. That’s a cliché but it’s at least somewhat true. Lots of people who preach God and Jesus… I wonder what that’s all about.


Oh, my back does still hurt by the way. I just don’t notice it anymore. I tried to go to a chiropractor but it turns out chiropractors are bullshit and don’t do anything at all. My chiropractor even said something like “chiropractic healing is basically like cracking your knuckles but for the whole body”. He was a nice guy though. I’m typing this at 8:00 am on a Tuesday because I couldn’t get to sleep all night, even after taking some clonazopam. I blame it on the entire internet T.V I was watching; I think it mushed my brains up good.


The whole thing about Narcotics Anonymous is that it has well intentioned people, and I abuse that and I don’t call back my sponsor now and I should feel bad about it but I don’t. I just can’t take it seriously anymore. The whole God thing honestly kind of upsets me. I believe in some kind of higher power I think, but the way my sponsor talks about spiritual evolution and God makes me feel like he might just be talking a little out of his ass. I still respect the guy a lot. My sister says I should go just to share my secrets; she thinks my problems come from keeping too many secrets. What do I have to admit? I’m not even sure, because I’ve admitted most of what I feel guilty and ashamed about… but there was this one night when I was having what could be called my fourth episode and I was in bed and my parents asked me what was wrong and something was trying to escape from my mouth – some kind of admittance of something – something that even I didn’t know what it was going to be – but it never fully came out. And that was pretty much the last night since I’ve felt empathy and a connection to my emotions, especially my anger.


I feel like I am in a darker place than I really realize right now and this will only become clear when I am back in to the light. The worst is the anxiety. The knowledge that you won’t feel comfortable around your friends and family who have known you your entire life because… because of what? Because I have secrets? Maybe.


I don’t like how this rant went. It didn’t have enough urgency or anger or desperation. It came out of an obligation and I rarely do my best when I’m under obligation. Let me create freely and I’ll show you my best work. I will read this in another two years and it will give me some insight into what I was experiencing now. Which when compared to two years ago, does not seem all that different. So maybe I’ll be in the same place two years from now that I am in now and that I was in two years ago. Is that depressing? Fuck.


My last point before I try and get some sleep, which I know I won’t be able to, is that more important to me than anything in life – more important to me than money, women, being in peak shape – is having some peace of mind. Peaceful is the ideal state to be in. Even if things are fucking up around you and people want to start fights with you and you’re losing everything, at least you can let it happen to you with a calm background of peace. That’s really all I ask for. And I know that asking things from the Universe is one of the least likely ways to receive something so I only say that rhetorically.


So, fuck the world and fuck me, let’s keep on moving, not time to die just yet.


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #19103252 - 11/07/13 10:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

For a "madman," you still write remarkably well, and you indicate insights as well as illusions. You made me think of R.D. Laing in his influential book The Divided Self. Here is an excerpt that always stuck with me, and a link to the page.

"When a person goes mad, a profound transposition of his position in relation to all domains of being occurs. His center of experience moves from ego to Self. Mundane time becomes merely anecdotal, only the Eternal matters. The madman is, however, confused. He muddles ego with self, inner with outer, natural and supernatural. Nevertheless, he often can be to us, even through his profound wretchedness and disintegration, the hierophant of the sacred. An exile from the scene of being as we know it, he is an alien, a stranger, signalling to us from the void in which he is foundering. This void may be peopled by presences that we do not even dream of. They used to be called demons and spirits, that were known and named. He has lost his sense of self, his feelings, his place in the world as we know it. He tells us he is dead. But we are distracted from our cozy security by this mad ghost that haunts us with his visions and voices that seem so senseless and of which we feel impelled to rid him, cleanse him, cure him."  - R.D. Laing, Transcendental Experience in Relation to religious Experience and Psychosis

Hang in there.

http://laingsociety.org/biblio/transexperience.laing.htm


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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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Offlinebloodbrother778
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Registered: 10/26/07
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #19103321 - 11/07/13 10:40 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

focus on your goal and don't look back

don't even look sideways

just do it, soon you'll start to feel better

the energy you're putting out does seem dark, but it's all good, i've had my dark days too
just try not to beat yourself up too much over it

turn your head away from the noise of samsara and you will be in nirvana

but you have to do more than just ask
you have to insist with all the power you can muster
like your life depends on it - cause it does!

when you apply your entire being towards something you simply don't have time to look at all the scary shit

if you're just doing things willy nilly then you'll be left wondering what if......

last thing is.....don't take it all too seriously
life is a game, a desire, it should be fun
we are here because we want to be here......
trying to deny anything in life is like trying to cut out part of existence
it is there.....accept it.....and then you can see how it can help you move towards your goal


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #19103801 - 11/08/13 01:49 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I can relate in bits and pieces.  It is what it is.  If I had more to say about it I could fix my own mess. :haha:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineFishOilTheKid
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #19103998 - 11/08/13 04:41 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Your experience parallels my own remarkably.

I think you had/have parasitic entities.  Seriously.

And there is something dead seriously mysterious going on with how we work and how it comes together.

Could it be what people call God?  The messages?  The synchronicities?


The bit about making someone orgasm over the phone was heady cause there has been a huge sexual energy component to what I'm making my way through.

They are like Incubi and Succubi.

I just don't know what to say bout all that?!  And the looming christian component...

Man we may have seen each other in one of those wards.:tongue2:

How are you feeling and thinking now?


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Offlineeve69
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: FishOilTheKid]
    #19104049 - 11/08/13 05:29 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

gotcha but this goes in the mental and physical arena


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...or something







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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: FishOilTheKid]
    #19108057 - 11/08/13 10:14 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

FishOilTheKid said:
Your experience parallels my own remarkably.

I think you had/have parasitic entities.  Seriously.

And there is something dead seriously mysterious going on with how we work and how it comes together.

Could it be what people call God?  The messages?  The synchronicities?


The bit about making someone orgasm over the phone was heady cause there has been a huge sexual energy component to what I'm making my way through.

They are like Incubi and Succubi.

I just don't know what to say bout all that?!  And the looming christian component...

Man we may have seen each other in one of those wards.:tongue2:

How are you feeling and thinking now?




I honestly don't think about that time period any more. I could reflect on it forever and still not understand it at all.

It's possible I had parasitic entities, though I could never prove it. Yeah, the sexual energy thing was a big part of that ongoing experience - I had delusions that everyone was subliminally talking about sex all the time - and then I had experiences which proved it without a doubt but looking back on it it's so weird that once again, I can't understand it at all.

Life is a lot simpler now, less psychotic and less mystical. But it had to get super mysterious before it could get simple - and it's possible I only viewed it as mystical because it was so new and strange.


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OfflineFishOilTheKid
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #19108816 - 11/09/13 01:53 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I so hear that!

I've realized that if I go back on everything and decide that it is delusion I miss out on so much that is possible.

I have my struggles daily but I want to keep the euphoria and the mysterious and the mystical.  I've often bailed on EVERYTHING.

And the supposed Truth that is being offered by some combination of out there and in here IS SO ALLURING.

Peace man!  I HOPE YOU ARE WELL INTO THE FUTURE.


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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Re: A journal entry from years ago [Re: FishOilTheKid]
    #19112053 - 11/09/13 08:49 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks man.

I definitely don't think it was all delusions.. Heh shit got way too weird for that. All I'm saying is that I can't understand it so I don't bother and try.

Good on you for following the excitement, I'd do the same. My life isn't boring by any means, but it's not super charged with mysticism and beauty. Or perhaps it is and I've simply gotten used to it.


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