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OfflineShroomie Gnome
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Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 119
Loc: King County, WA
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Boyfriend troubles
    #19095041 - 11/06/13 12:01 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

my boyfriend is insecure about letting me go hang out with guy friends alone, go to a bar, or even hang out with my girlfriends alone (I guess because I am bisexual). He also gets bad anxiety when we are apart, which makes it hard for me to go do anything even if it is only for a few hours because he is so hesitant to let me go do what I need to. He has been cheated on by many of his past girlfriends so I understand his uneasiness but it is effecting my life and our relationship. He says he trusts me but he just doesn't trust other people. Ive tried reasoning with him, telling him that a healthy relationship has trust and the ability to be apart for more than a few hours. But he says he cant help his anxiety (without health care) and when I ask to spend some time by myself or have a girl day with my friends he just says "What am I not good enough for you?" I tried telling him that we should be able to spend some time on our own every once in awhile but I cant get through to convincing him that No, I don't hate him I just need to spend time with other people sometimes. Now I feel like I resent him sometimes because of his controlling nature but I love him with all of my heart. What should I do?


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Mushrooms are a divine gift from God, so we may see the world through God's eyes.


Edited by Shroomie Gnome (11/06/13 12:02 PM)


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OfflineHerbologist
Grrratata
I'm a teapot


Registered: 05/09/10
Posts: 7,471
Loc: Casa Bonita Flag
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Shroomie Gnome] * 6
    #19095061 - 11/06/13 12:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Why do you want to be alone with other guys?


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Shroomery Law:  Don't piss off the leftist mods & their friends! :banhamster:


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OfflineShroomie Gnome
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Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 119
Loc: King County, WA
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Herbologist]
    #19095079 - 11/06/13 12:12 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I don't, I guess what I meant to say was he doesn't want us to hang out with my guy friends because he thinks they are gonna steal me away or something.


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Mushrooms are a divine gift from God, so we may see the world through God's eyes.


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OfflineShroomie Gnome
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Registered: 10/21/13
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Loc: King County, WA
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Shroomie Gnome]
    #19095089 - 11/06/13 12:16 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I made a joke the other day when we were hanging out with one of his work friends and his gf. She was talking about how she used to be a lesbian before she met her boyfriend and I said "ooh better not leave us alone" I made it very clear I was joking and then my boyfriend said "Yea and then Ill kick you out of my car and you can walk home" He was being very serious and angry. I cant even make a joke about it without him taking it to heart. So that's just an example of whats going on I have many more but this was the most recent.


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Mushrooms are a divine gift from God, so we may see the world through God's eyes.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Herbologist] * 1
    #19095116 - 11/06/13 12:24 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Herbologist said:
Why do you want to be alone with other guys?



You never want to hang out with other people than your significant other when you're in a relationship?

OP he sounds extremely insecure.  Your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy.  From an outsider's point of view I would say that your partner is not ready for a relationship.  He has serious trust issues that he needs to confront on his own before he can be in a healthy relationship.


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OfflineBlack_Sunset
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Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,451
Loc: Somewhere California
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Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Shroomie Gnome]
    #19095162 - 11/06/13 12:32 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

He doesn't mistrust other people...he doesn't trust you because he can't allow himself to. I don't understand how the whole insanely jealous thing works but one of my ex's would do the same thing. After we broke up she was able to work through it but no matter how many ways I approached it I could never help her get over it. These are deeply seeded insecurities that go beyond you and him as a couple. He needs to figure out how to deal with his shit because it's only going to continue to hurt you and drag you down. I eventually dumped that ex because she was suffocating me and made me hate her because she was so attached to me and afraid. Remember that you can only love someone else if you can love yourself. Whatever he is doing right now in his life is probably very toxic and stressful


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OfflineShroomie Gnome
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Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 119
Loc: King County, WA
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: pwnasaurus]
    #19095169 - 11/06/13 12:34 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

yea I was afraid of that, even if I told him that we wont have a healthy relationship until he an let go of his insecurities he would say he cant help what has happened to him in his life. I want to help him but I don't know how to further prove to him im not gonna leave him for some random person. I have to tell him dozens of times a day I love him, and how much I love him or he will think I don't love him anymore. He needs constant reassurance and I want to be the one to help him but I cant help him unless he helps himself. He also has a huge problem with me smoking cigs and he says its selfish of me to smoke cause then I will die before him and he will be left all alone. I tell him we shouldn't have to change ourselves to make others happy and it is selfish of him to put so much pressure on me over conquering my cigarette addiction. And we go around in circles cause we just don't agree with eachother on this. I even used my parents as an example. They have been married over 25 years and my mom smokes, my dad doesn't. He wished she didn't smoke but he doesn't give her shit about it because that's not what marriage is about. Its about loving one another unconditionally and not making people change just because he would rather have her not smoke.


--------------------
Mushrooms are a divine gift from God, so we may see the world through God's eyes.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Shroomie Gnome]
    #19095345 - 11/06/13 01:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Shroomie Gnome said:
yea I was afraid of that, even if I told him that we wont have a healthy relationship until he an let go of his insecurities he would say he cant help what has happened to him in his life. I want to help him but I don't know how to further prove to him im not gonna leave him for some random person. I have to tell him dozens of times a day I love him, and how much I love him or he will think I don't love him anymore. He needs constant reassurance and I want to be the one to help him but I cant help him unless he helps himself. He also has a huge problem with me smoking cigs and he says its selfish of me to smoke cause then I will die before him and he will be left all alone. I tell him we shouldn't have to change ourselves to make others happy and it is selfish of him to put so much pressure on me over conquering my cigarette addiction. And we go around in circles cause we just don't agree with eachother on this. I even used my parents as an example. They have been married over 25 years and my mom smokes, my dad doesn't. He wished she didn't smoke but he doesn't give her shit about it because that's not what marriage is about. Its about loving one another unconditionally and not making people change just because he would rather have her not smoke.



Yeah, you can't stop a smoker.  Personally, I would never date a smoker for that reason.  It sounds like you guys have even further issues than just his insecurities.

How long have you guys been dating and how old are you?  It doesn't really sound like he wants to help himself.  Saying "I can't help what has happened to him in my life" is a total cop out.  You're doing everything you can and he's clearly not even making an effort.  Above and beyond that he's making more requests of you.

As I said before, your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy.  Why would he make an effort to change when you're still there for him?  I don't think he really understands that it is driving you two apart.  Maybe talking it out with him will help, although it sounds like you've tried that many times.

Unfortunately, he may need you breaking up with him as a wake up call that he has to make an effort to overcome his issues before he can have a serious relationship with another person.  If you keep talking to him but you continue to treat him exactly the same way there's no incentive for him to change his ways.


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OfflineIrfan
Stranger

Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 180
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Herbologist]
    #19095355 - 11/06/13 01:16 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Herbologist said:
Why do you want to be alone with other guys?




Whats wrong with her wanting to be alone with other guys?

OP you don't have to be on the defensive for wanting to pursue any type of friendship you please.  It should have very little to do with your relationship.  I know you want to help him with his insecurities, but unfortunately you are doing the opposite by playing along.  You may be verbally expressing your disapproval of his issues but that's not enough..  He needs you to tell him you love him constantly so you do it, he needs you not to go out with friends so you do it.  Your actions speak louder than words and you are not helping his insecurities by willfully changing your behavior to conform to his anxieties.  If anything you are doing the opposite. 

Life is so much better in a healthy relationship, and it seriously sounds like that's not possible with him.  I fear your resentment will only grow into serious regrets if you continue to play along.  Best of luck.


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OfflineAldous
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Registered: 10/19/99
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Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Shroomie Gnome]
    #19095402 - 11/06/13 01:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Shroomie Gnome said:
he would say he cant help what has happened to him in his life


Of course he can't help what has happened to him. But then as an adult, he owes it to himself and to you to take full responsibility of what he makes of what has happened to him in his life. That's what being an adult is all about, instead of taking the past and others peoples' actions as an excuse to just remain one's old sore self.

Maybe you should ask yourself what it is that attracted you in the first place to this kind of guy, and what makes you stay in that kind of relationship. Everything has a reason, you know. You certainly can't change him (maybe you can help him change himself, but I wouldn't be too sure), but it would be interesting to get to know yourself a little better.


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InvisibleThayendanegea
quiet walker
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Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation Flag
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Shroomie Gnome]
    #19095709 - 11/06/13 02:36 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Jealousy is extremely ugly OP. It will eventually tear your relationship apart if he does not deal with it. This is not your doing nor your fault.
The only thing you can do is to assure him that you love him before you are hanging with other friends for a evening. Maybe text him sometime to reassure him you're not in some dudes bed... Relationships NEED this time apart and if you give in now....you will both pay later and who knows, maybe then there will even be a child involved.
This is something he needs to work on ....just don't throw fuel on the fire ...like disappearing for a couple days or something.:sunny::peace:M


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Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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OfflineShroomie Gnome
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Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 119
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Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #19095805 - 11/06/13 02:56 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks everybody for the advice. I guess I just needed to know that im not the only one who thinks that a healthy relationship means spending time apart as well as time together. I am 21 and he is 20 so I agree he should be more of an adult about this. I don't want to end our relationship because there is so much that is great about him. We both love nature and we met when we were both studying Environmental Horticulture. He is sweet and funny and our physical attraction is very strong. He treats his mother with great respect which shows how he treats women in general and myself. Hes usually there to hold me when Im crying. I really love him and I feel like hes the yin to my yang. We are both generous friends and we have been taken advantage of by others many times in our life. We connect so well, yet there are some things that I wish didn't get in the way of our happiness. We don't argue that often, but when we do its almost impossible to share how im feeling about something. example: He will say "When have I ever told you to not be upset?" And I bring up a time where I was stressed out so I tried to talk about it but he just says " well I have way more stress than you." Almost like my stress isn't valid cause he has more stress. And when I get stressed out I usually just hide it so it wont stress him out, because when im stressed he takes it on as his own.


--------------------
Mushrooms are a divine gift from God, so we may see the world through God's eyes.


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OfflineJesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Herbologist] * 2
    #19096780 - 11/06/13 06:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Herbologist said:
Why do you want to be alone with other guys?




people emotionally cheat/flirt as it's plausibly deniable.

sex is just the last 10% of cheating


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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.


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OfflineIrfan
Stranger

Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 180
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: JesusIsLord]
    #19096818 - 11/06/13 06:14 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

You sound like this chicks controlling boyfriend.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Irfan]
    #19096896 - 11/06/13 06:29 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Irfan said:
You sound like this chicks controlling boyfriend.



:lol:


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OfflineJesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Irfan] * 1
    #19097080 - 11/06/13 07:11 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Irfan said:
You sound like this chicks controlling boyfriend.




women want to be controlled and dominated.

men want to dominate.

pretty simple shit.

women don't have male "friends". just guys that linger around til she'll fuck them.


--------------------


And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
Stranger
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: JesusIsLord]
    #19097132 - 11/06/13 07:21 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

So you can't be friends with people you would have sex with?  I have several females friends whom if we were both single I would be game to bang.  Doesn't mean we aren't friends and doesn't mean I would cheat on my partner with them.


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OfflineIrfan
Stranger

Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 180
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: JesusIsLord]
    #19097159 - 11/06/13 07:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusIsLord said:

women don't have male "friends". just guys that linger around til she'll fuck them.




Like when she is single again.  What's wrong with that?


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OfflineJesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: Irfan]
    #19102097 - 11/07/13 06:20 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Irfan said:
Quote:

JesusIsLord said:

women don't have male "friends". just guys that linger around til she'll fuck them.




Like when she is single again.  What's wrong with that?



:lolsy:


--------------------


And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 12,317
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: Boyfriend troubles [Re: JesusIsLord]
    #19102358 - 11/07/13 07:17 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusIsLord said:
Quote:

Irfan said:
Quote:

JesusIsLord said:

women don't have male "friends". just guys that linger around til she'll fuck them.




Like when she is single again.  What's wrong with that?



:lolsy:



It would be helpful to explain yourself.  You're not making a whole lot of sense.


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