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Anonymous #1

committed myself for mental health reasons
    #19077222 - 11/02/13 09:25 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

A quick background. Ive Had serious addictions to alcohol and ketamine. As well as 6 month stint as an IV drug user, mostly heroin, but also cocaine, a fent analog, as well as IV vodka on a few occassions when i was broke and shot the collected remnants of various random liquor bottles. (Horrible idea. Dont do it) ive had addictions problems since 14. And hit rehab by 16.

THis is my fourth time ive been admitted to a hospital for mental health reasons. Ive struggled with anxiety and depression from a young age. Ive also had problems with self harm. (Burning mostly)

Anyways. Ive been having a hard time lately and have been consideriding suicide again. I was binging on etiz and mephedrone lately. Ive tried getting mental health help in the town i live to no avail. The hospital is underfunded and run by hicks.


Im now approaching 30. They days of my self harm and suicidal thoughts have moved away from the uncontrolled mess i was when i was younger. I now numb myself to my thoughts, and became very good at hiding my drug use, self harm and suicidal thoughts. I look ppresentable and normal. And nobody would suspsect any of these things by looking at me. Its evolved more into the thought that ive fucked my life up and i just want to bow out peacefully.

I was a mess when i first came in, i had taken large amounts of 2c-i and etiz. I killed whatever bags i had on me. I wasnt able to hide my feelings. Now that its been a week and ive sobered up some, ive gone back to hiding my thoughts about suicide. As well they have diminished though since this is an easy environment seperate from real life and my worries. 

Since i now appear very sane and well spoken, some nurses have started treating me poorly. It seems as if they doubt why i am here. Some have been outright rude.

Tonight a nurse asked me if i felt like harming myself. I responded "no". She then proceeds to ask me "well did your REALLY evera want to?"

This comment has had me shaken for the past few hours. I already feel guilty for being here. I feel enough resources have been wasted trying to help me, only for me to end up feeling the same way all those years ago. I feel unworthy of help. This single comment has made me want to leave. It has made me yearn to be self destructive. I want to leave and go OD and just fucking die already.

I try to appear strong and together. I dont like showing people how out of control my mind is. I guess i hope if i try to look and act like ive got it together, then my mind will follow. It hasnt. All ive managed to do is polish my shit person. I hate appearing weak it makes me a target. But thAt one fucking comment is stuck in my mind, like a taunt to finally do it.

Ive decided i want to leave. I no longer care. I want to go use and just say fuck it all again. And then finish the job once ive burned through all of my money. I dont want to hurt or hurt myself. But i dont want to live any longer want to live. 

So i must leave. When the docs come back monday i am telling them im ready to go. And im willing to say whatever i need to make it happen. Im not sure what my immediTe actions will be. But i know what has to happen and am mentally preparing myself for taking the step.

I dont even know why im writing this. I doubt it makes sense im posting fro. My phone and am medicated.i just needed to express this. Fuck that bitch, fuck this place and fuck caring its not worth it. I wish i felt more saying those words but i dont. I cant aanymore. Ive never been able to live for myself. I only ever tried to care for the benefit of those who know me. But now even that i cant keep doing.

Im just going toa stop rambling now.


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Offlinestellarshnap
Poet who doesn't know it


Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 646
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19077310 - 11/02/13 09:44 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Have you tried looking at your core? Dropping any defenses, i.e ego, and seeing yourself for what you are, and going further by accepting it? We're all monkeys, and that's all.

Of course I'm completely ignorant of your full situation, but I don't think that taking your life, and hurting those close to you, is worth it. Your perceived self isn't your real self ya know?


--------------------
Careful, though your mind may be over matter, matter is all we really know.
"Or is it?"

The problem with intelligence is that it fosters arrogance, and arrogance suffocates intelligence. True intelligence however, bites holes in the bag.


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Anonymous #2

Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: stellarshnap]
    #19080026 - 11/03/13 11:59 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

[ Its evolved more into the thought that ive fucked my life up and i just want to bow out peacefully.




I know exactly how you feel, OP. I can't imagine fixing myself. I feel permanently broken. Nobody, save one person, knows that I feel at all like this. As bad as I feel, I do have moments of joy. Don't you? I live for those moments and to not hurt people who care about me.


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Anonymous #3

Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #19080518 - 11/03/13 02:03 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Ive never been able to live for myself. I only ever tried to care for the benefit of those who know me. But now even that i cant keep doing.





I am all to familiar with this feeling. I'd have been dead a decade ago if it wasn't for wanting to not hurt my few friends and family.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

[ Its evolved more into the thought that ive fucked my life up and i just want to bow out peacefully.




I know exactly how you feel, OP. I can't imagine fixing myself. I feel permanently broken. Nobody, save one person, knows that I feel at all like this. As bad as I feel, I do have moments of joy. Don't you? I live for those moments and to not hurt people who care about me.




Those moments of joy are all too few and far between, and for me, largely drug induced though not entirely.


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Anonymous #2

Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #19093990 - 11/06/13 04:16 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

OP, how's it going?


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Invisiblelessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: stellarshnap]
    #19094022 - 11/06/13 04:42 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

stellarshnap said:
Have you tried looking at your core? Dropping any defenses, i.e ego, and seeing yourself for what you are, and going further by accepting it? We're all monkeys, and that's all.

Of course I'm completely ignorant of your full situation, but I don't think that taking your life, and hurting those close to you, is worth it. Your perceived self isn't your real self ya know?




Worked for me, would recommend it too

its like being reborn... try it if you have the ability to

else I would probably be dead , was careless about myself before
now I love myself, everything I see

found myself/my soul

but I did in good set,setting, and stopped smoking weed the days I tripped... for pure experience
and listened to psytrance , youtube , and walked in nature
found my inner being...

you are not your thoughts, you are much more than that, but what you are you can never put thoughts on
you have to see/feel/experience for yourself
try nature,psychedelics,psytrance  , lsd/shrooms , and dont do any drugs when you do them
they heal

I hadnt been myself for more than a decade before egodeath..
pure bliss finding yourself after so long... cant be put to words.... the bliss has lasted years now

so I hope you will give it a try if you feel like you want to, Im sure it can help others too


Edited by lessismore (11/06/13 04:52 AM)


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InvisibleEdibleStereos
Healthy Body, Sick Mind
 User Gallery

Registered: 01/02/13
Posts: 4,899
Loc: South Africa
Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: lessismore]
    #19097477 - 11/06/13 08:14 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I am the op. Not sure why I wrote it anon in the first place, probably the state I was in. I don't even remember going in much, or the first few days. I was in the midst of a heavy bender. I do remember them giving me Valium to control what they, at the time, believed to be Benzo withdrawls. Which they now think was just a very severe extended anxiety attack.

Today was my first day back. A couple good friends came and visited me lots and took me out on passes. They honestly gave me what I needed to continue to try.

I'm doing better, trying to actively manage my negative emotions and feelings of guilt and shame. They are still there, and are unresolved, and will likely need some serious therapy to resolve. I expected as much, and the hospital psychiatrist was very helpful and never once did he seem to look down on me as others in his position had.

They are looking to get me into weekly therapy, as well as I've been attending a Dr run addictions group that is moderation based. I've found this very helpful, and look forward to continuing with it so that I can separate my drug use that is driven negative feelings, from my use that is healthy. For me this means avoiding certain drugs, while cutting back on others. Much more helpful, and I am willing to commit to it, unlike the abstinence based treatment I've received before.

They have put me on medication, a NaSSA called Mitranzapine aka Remeron. While I'd rather not be on daily anti-depressants, the side effect profile of these has been tolerable, and the dose is quite low. I hope to only take them short term until I am able to get into intensive therapy and work through my issues.

They also are looking into placing me on Naltrexone to help curb my urge to use. This medication I'd rather not take, and have yet to start, and may not unless I feel an extreme need to take them. They are very expensive, and they are trying to get me funding to help cover the costs of them, but I would rather try resolving things without the Naltrexone.

The feeling that I will be the one to end my own life either by suicide or overdose is still present, though not quite as prominent. I hope these feelings with diminish as I work through the reasons I hold so much guilt. The guilt and shameful feelings would cause me to feel undeserving of happiness. I still don't believe I deserve to feel happy, but would like to work towards being a person who deserves happiness.

I have been looking at experimental psychotherapy, a local hospital is conducting trials using Ketamine followed by intensive pyschotherapy to resolve treatment resistant(convential therapy/SSRI's) depression. My reasoning is I've made radical choices to end up in my current position, radical treatment may provide better relief, I am not 100% sure about it.

I can't say I am cured, or better, but I have a feeling that I can hopefully feel better about the person I am.

Even if this positivity fades and I fall back into old patterns, I am thankful that I have had at least a few positive and uplifting moments in the last few days.


To anyone who feels similiar to how I have felt, try and keep going. Find something to live for. It can be extremely hard, and often we cannot do it for ourselves. Until we can find a reason in ourselves, we can at least try for those would be hurt by our demise.


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Offlinestellarshnap
Poet who doesn't know it


Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 646
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: EdibleStereos]
    #19097650 - 11/06/13 08:44 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I'm glad things are brightening up for you man, keep pushing. :heart:


--------------------
Careful, though your mind may be over matter, matter is all we really know.
"Or is it?"

The problem with intelligence is that it fosters arrogance, and arrogance suffocates intelligence. True intelligence however, bites holes in the bag.


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Invisiblelessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: stellarshnap]
    #19098768 - 11/07/13 02:04 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Houseplants, pets being happy, guitar, nature  everyday , there are no bad days :-)
can't remember the last time I've had one...

simple but it works wonders, I used to be depressed for 5 years

find your true values in life, then you dont get depressed, do what you love

avoid stress.. more nature


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Invisiblelessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
Re: committed myself for mental health reasons [Re: lessismore]
    #19098778 - 11/07/13 02:09 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

in my case depression was from living against myself
from being careless about myself for many years, got very sick as a result
mostly due to stress , working / studying 70-80hrs a week often for years without sleep

love yourself, every part of yourself, appreciate what you got, the food you eat, the beauty of nature etc.

worked for me

if you dont love yourself, you must realize why that is, maybe you are doing something against yourself, that you need to stop doing (eating habits, sleep habits, addiction, stress in life etc)

I see depression as a path to self realization now... who am I? what do I love in life?
hope you make some progress, it is hard work sometimes, but the only way to be yourself fully is without stress / drugs / pills
nature helps / meditation perhaps

who am I inside myself, have I changed during my life?, does my outside look like my inside?

(btw I gained 77lbs in 2-3 years due to being depressed... and now I lost them again, but it wasnt the first time it happened, has happened 2-3 times before, been depressed on/off for 10+ years, but not anymore after finding my real values in life)


Edited by lessismore (11/07/13 02:23 AM)


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