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Anonymous #1

I think I may have bipolar disorder...
    #19069525 - 11/01/13 11:50 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

hey everyone.
lately ive been feeling off from normal. i feel constantly disconnected from everything around me. im still productive at work and in dailly life but its like im just going through the motions. my brain feels numb, all i can do is hum songs in my head and the more i think about the more i feel just, clouded.

i go through periods of hyper states where i crave nothing but social interaction on a deep meaningfull level, i feel extremely alone and vulnerable. i always feel lost.

i get these feelings where its like my conciousness is floating away, i experience dp/dr regularily. i also have a lack of motivation and interest in almost everything i do, even things i absokutely love to do are becoming lackluster.

i even have odd suicidal thoughts, i dont want to die and i highly doubt i could ever kill myself but still these thoughts are there for some reason. its not that i think about killing myself, its just that i randomely will notice im thinking about the word suicide, or or methods of doing it. its weird because because i also go through phases of extreme happiness where everything feels blissful and like its falling together perfectly likr puzzle pieces. i onow i have a lot to live for and i would never kill myself so why then do i think of how i would kill myself, when i onow i dont honestly want to. is it normal for healthy people to ponder suicide methods with no intention of ever following through?

basically everything in my life feels fake, it all feels temporary, like none of it is really happening and im sort of walking through a dream so to speak. everything feels ultimately pointless.

i have taken a handfull of bipolar screening tests online and i onow thats in no way at even close to a proper diagnosis but i scored moderate to severe symptoms for bipolwr disorder. at the end of the screening tests they stated it was not to be taken as diagnosis but based on the results it was recommended i seak medical advice.

i feel scared, broken, alone, depressed, and lost. i do not know what to do other than try for help. but even thats seems futile to me.

im scared shroomery, i feelblike reality isnt reality. like life is just an illusion and were all dead allready.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19069571 - 11/01/13 11:58 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

You sound a lot like what I was going through before I was diagnosed and medicated.

It's important to seek out a good psychiatrist as fast as you can.

They will most likely put you on an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer such as Depakote or Lithium.

This does sound like a pretty clear cut case of Bipolar disorder, it only sounds like Hypomania though which is a much better outcome.

If you have any questions feel free to ask, I have Schizoaffective disorder with Hypermania. It's a fun mix of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder


Edited by Anonymous (11/01/13 12:00 PM)


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Anonymous #3

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19069592 - 11/01/13 12:01 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Whatever is truly going on, believe that you can and will get through it.  Times are hard now, and there will always be hard times, but there is a lot of happiness ahead as well. Make good choices to put yourself on that path.  Find a good doctor.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #19069630 - 11/01/13 12:11 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I want to force myself to find a doctor because I think I really need it. as much as I don't want to hear a doctor say I have bipolar, I really don't want to live like this.

how do I find a doctor? do I just go to the ER or do I talk to someone at a walk in clinic? I don't have a personnel doctor so I don't know how to even go about getting help, and that makes it feel pointless to me which perpetuates my depression and anxiety.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19069669 - 11/01/13 12:19 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I want to force myself to find a doctor because I think I really need it. as much as I don't want to hear a doctor say I have bipolar, I really don't want to live like this.

how do I find a doctor? do I just go to the ER or do I talk to someone at a walk in clinic? I don't have a personnel doctor so I don't know how to even go about getting help, and that makes it feel pointless to me which perpetuates my depression and anxiety.




If you go to the Emergency room they will put you in the psych ward for a week, I wish I went sooner but it took an overdose on Ativan and sleeping pills to get me in there.

It's really not all that bad in psych wards and you'll definitely get the help you need the fastest. Most of the really fucked people keep to their rooms all day so you won't have to deal with them.

Or you could use google to find psychiatrists in your area they are usually pretty booked though so it might take a couple weeks to get you in to see them.

The best advice I can give though is try and stay off the benzos you don't want to go down that road if you don't have to. Try a good dose of Ketamine for your anxiety/depression.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #19069693 - 11/01/13 12:25 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I want to force myself to find a doctor because I think I really need it. as much as I don't want to hear a doctor say I have bipolar, I really don't want to live like this.

how do I find a doctor? do I just go to the ER or do I talk to someone at a walk in clinic? I don't have a personnel doctor so I don't know how to even go about getting help, and that makes it feel pointless to me which perpetuates my depression and anxiety.




If you go to the Emergency room they will put you in the psych ward for a week, I wish I went sooner but it took an overdose on Ativan and sleeping pills to get me in there.

It's really not all that bad in psych wards and you'll definitely get the help you need the fastest. Most of the really fucked people keep to their rooms all day so you won't have to deal with them.

Or you could use google to find psychiatrists in your area they are usually pretty booked though so it might take a couple weeks to get you in to see them.

The best advice I can give though is try and stay off the benzos you don't want to go down that road if you don't have to. Try a good dose of Ketamine for your anxiety/depression.



this is exactly what I'm scared of, I'm terrified of psych wards, hospitals, and psychiatrists. I dont know why really, I just always thought of my self as healthy and sane and I don't want to be sick.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19069723 - 11/01/13 12:32 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Whatever path you chose you have to start acting to get help now, the longer you put it off the more anxiety will set in.

At the very least try and talk to any friends or family you feel comfortable talking with.


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Anonymous #3

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #19070023 - 11/01/13 01:53 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Getting some insurance first could really help.

You could probably get OK coverage for $100-$150 per month.  Sounds like a lot, but without insurance, visits to a specialist could cost you several hundred per hour.  It is a lot of money, but trying to get your mental health in order is worth every penny.

As to what Anon 2 said, yes, stay off benzos and such.  However, I don't believe it would be wise to try to self-medicate.  Especially with Ketamine.

Psych wards, mental hospitals, w/e, may sounds scary, but it might be something that could really help you.  You would certainly get TONS of support from trained and educated people.  There is nothing about going to one of those places that means your any less valuable or important as a human being.

Maybe asking yourself a question like this could help, too:  If you were to choose to get insurance and treatment, where do you see yourself in one year?  If you choose not do that and continue doing what you do now, where do you see yourself in one year?  In which scenario do you feel like you would be in a better place?


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Anonymous #1

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #19070507 - 11/01/13 03:42 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
Getting some insurance first could really help.

You could probably get OK coverage for $100-$150 per month.  Sounds like a lot, but without insurance, visits to a specialist could cost you several hundred per hour.  It is a lot of money, but trying to get your mental health in order is worth every penny.

As to what Anon 2 said, yes, stay off benzos and such.  However, I don't believe it would be wise to try to self-medicate.  Especially with Ketamine.

Psych wards, mental hospitals, w/e, may sounds scary, but it might be something that could really help you.  You would certainly get TONS of support from trained and educated people.  There is nothing about going to one of those places that means your any less valuable or important as a human being.

Maybe asking yourself a question like this could help, too:  If you were to choose to get insurance and treatment, where do you see yourself in one year?  If you choose not do that and continue doing what you do now, where do you see yourself in one year?  In which scenario do you feel like you would be in a better place?



I dont take any benzos, I take mushrooms and smoke pot, barely even drink. I wasnt sure how ketamine would help me either, its a dissocitive is it not? The last thing I want is to feel any more detached.

I honestly cant imagine where I would be in a year with help, and I dont want to think about where id be without help.


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Anonymous #3

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19070651 - 11/01/13 04:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

What do you think you can do to get better?


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Anonymous #4

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #19207797 - 11/30/13 08:54 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Either way, you should seek out professional help to be certain.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #19209555 - 11/30/13 06:19 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I have been procrastinating getting checked out. I really need to get on it but have no motivation. It seems like more work to me to even begin getting help than it would be to fight through it. Lately I feel like Im on autopilot though. Just sitting back in a daze watching myself go through the motions. I dont always feel like Im mentally here. Sometimes I get what feel like other people thoughts in my head.


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Anonymous #5

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19211141 - 12/01/13 03:12 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

OP - I've been suffering from bipolar disorder for 17 years. It took 8 years to diagnose and treat. Lamictal (lamotrigine) saved my life. I know exactly how you feel and word for word I couldve written the same thing that long ago. Find someone to talk to who you can confide in. If you're in college there's prolly free counselors. It can be an ugly disorder and hard for friends and acquaintances to understand. But everyone varies, I'm not a doctor, just don't off yourself. If your mind was strong and creative enough to negatively affect your moods then it's more than capable of destroying them. Be well, if this is all we get then please do enjoy it. Good luck in your journey, and yea, life feels pretty fake and mundane and repetitive to everyone so find ways to savor moments.


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Anonymous #6

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #4] * 1
    #19219883 - 12/02/13 10:30 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
Either way, you should seek out professional help to be certain.




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Anonymous #7

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #19234830 - 12/06/13 01:28 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I was hospitalized 3 times...I was on lithium..but it sucks the life out even more. Ive been off meds for a yr and a half. Aside from nootropics occasionally. Download a book on cbt. Take things slow if you need to. You CAN ONLY be hospitalized if you are a threat to yourself or others. You are y=2sin(1x/2) others might be sin x. I told some of my friends im apparently bipolar..didnt really make any difference...but its probably better to keep it a secret..


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Anonymous #8

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #19272993 - 12/13/13 11:45 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

None of us will be able to diagnose you. You need to talk to a psychiatrist. I am bipolar type two. When I was not on my meds, I would rapidly cycle from low low depression, then a minute later be so happy and high like nothing could make me feel bad...then a moment later, feel completely normal (not low and not happy hyper high, just normal) and then the next moment be really down thinking about shit in my life.

I too would never kill myself, but sometimes when shit hits the ceiling in my life, I think about wanting to be dead or wanting to be someone else.

I get really obsessive too, obsessing over thoughts in my head. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts.

And I get really pissed off really easily and completely go off the deep end and start saying the meanest things I can possibly think of. I have started a new medication, trileptal, and I think it's been helping my snappiness.

But anyway, bipolar can be really debilitating so I suggest you talk to a psychiatrist about it. Do not talk to your general doctor and they don't know SHIT about mental health.


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Anonymous #9

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #19291429 - 12/18/13 01:20 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Fuck taking anti depressants. Eat healthy, start exercising, get a job. Have a routine every day where you're busy, you don't need fucking poison to mask your feelings.

Feeling feelings is normal why cant people realize that its how you overcome the bad thoughts.

You can do this OP


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Anonymous #10

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #19318608 - 12/23/13 09:34 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #9 said:
Fuck taking anti depressants. Eat healthy, start exercising, get a job. Have a routine every day where you're busy, you don't need fucking poison to mask your feelings.

Feeling feelings is normal why cant people realize that its how you overcome the bad thoughts.

You can do this OP





word.


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Anonymous #11

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #19319691 - 12/24/13 04:33 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Maybe not take what I say here as advise.  I was diagnosed with "bi-polar" disorder about 8 years ago.  It happened after I'd had a manic episode/nervous breakdown after my mother went under the knife for heart surgery.  There were other factors like it being my first year in college on scholarship, and also my dad thought it'd be a good idea to make me quit smoking cannabis after I'd been a habitual user for years at that point. 
Anyway after that episode I was put on some medication that quite frankly made me feel like a zombie.  But I tried it for a while and took my counselling sessions very seriously.  After a few sessions with my psychiatrist he basically told me that (while he couldn't say this as my doctor as I live in a non-medical state) my Cannabis use was actually healthy for me.  That if it removed stress from my life its a good thing.  After that I started smoking again and stopped taking meds.  It really made a huge difference, so I keep to medical quality now.  I've been off meds for 6 1/2 years now and haven't looked back.  I sorta think that bi-polar disorder is over-diagnosed.  Its kind of the celebrity of disorders.  It seems to be slapped on alot of situations that don't fit into the box so to speak.  I personally know I have imbalances, but they're mine goddamnit. I'd much rather deal with them then deal with the way being medicated feels. :shrug:
At least try and find a decent psychiatrist or counsellor and just talk.  You'd really be surprised how talking to an impartial 3rd party can really take a huge load off mentally.  There is no reason not to, and my advise is to go in and do it so those thoughts don't fester.  If not you might be locked up in a psych ward or worse.  I really hope you the best OP and find what really works for you.


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Anonymous #12

Re: I think I may have bipolar disorder... [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #19321373 - 12/24/13 02:08 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I feel your pain.  I have BPD, and have posted here and there on the anon boards.  Just take things a day at a time and do your best to keep your head on straight.  I've fucked myself bad and will more than likely be spending a good amount of time in jail because my bpd got the best of me for just long enough to make a huge mistake with my life.


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