I just need somewhere to talk about my life and get some advice. I've repressed most of it and I just need to type it out. So, from the start: My half-sister was born to my biological mother whom was a crack addict prostitute. My sister went through a lot including rape, digging through litter for crack rocks, etc. until she was 10 years old and my biological mom's pimp made her get rid of her. So, my biological mom's sister (my sister's aunt) took her in. My biological mother became pregnant again three years later and told that same sister that if she didn't take this baby she was going to have an abortion. Her sister agreed to adopt me and became my mom. When I was born, my sister was thirteen and starting to develop. My dad (adopted dad) began to notice and make comments, which led to touching and a lot worse. My mom knew about all of this and told my sister that if she told anybody then the state would take me. They stopped letting my sister do anything at all except school work and slave for them. She would take care of me and pretty much was my maternal figure. When she turned eighteen she met a man and immediately moved out - to this day she is very emotionally scarred although pretty financially stable. As a child I wasn't allowed to do normal childhood things. My father wouldn't let me play sports or have friends which turned into me being picked on a lot at school. I was bullied constantly since I was always the smallest with no friends but my home life was ok-ish at the time. It stayed this way until I was 12 years old. My parents had heard that a girl at school knew I was adopted and decided it was best to tell me before I found out at school. My father was really against telling me for some reason but they went ahead. I didn't give two shits that I was adopted quite frankly, but my dad's attitude changed immediately. He picked our family up and moved us out into the middle of nowhere into an old house. I was becoming a teenager when this happened. He started to work me, to death damn near. Every day after school and all weekend I would be forced to do hard manual labor that was pointless while he watched me. He became physically abusive. I would get so tired I'd fall and he would beat the hell out of me for it - being sure not to leave bruises but punching me repeatedly. I started to stop taking shit at school and got my ass beat constantly, but I made a friend. My parents wouldn't allow me to go anywhere but I asked them if he could come over and they said "If you two will help work". I explained this to my friend and he said ok. He came over and they worked us until exhaustion as usual and we finally got to just hang out for an hour or so before bed. He never came over again but we remained friends. My parents did this with any friend I got. I started to become depressed and suicidal. I would cut myself and go to bed praying I don't wake up in the morning. I lost all emotion after three years of this. The school saw it and became concerned and made me see a counselor who recommended I be put on antidepressants. The Zoloft did something weird to me. I was my normal unemotional self, but I became violent. I began fighting my dad constantly and getting my ass whooped until I told him if he ever layed a hand on me again Id kill him. So I tried. He did it again, I grabbed a knife and proceeded. My mom tackled me, held me down, while my dad punched me in the face repeatedly from behind her. They requested I be sent off to a mental institution but couldn't afford it. I got heavily into drugs and drinking, almost dying more than a few times. To get money for drugs I robbed stores, people, sold drugs (on a fairly large scale). I was 17 and I acquired a bag of shrooms and ate them all one night. About 7g dried. The trip changed me. I stopped all drugs, began eating healthy, and tried to think of a way to get out of this hell-hole. I began making good grades, working when possible, (still being abused though with constant fighting), etc. I am now twenty years old. I still live with my parents because I have no where else to go. My father still hates me and I him. Im trying to go to college full time, which Im paying for out of pocket, work full time, and study whenever Im not. Before I went to college I tried my hardest to get away from my father. I left and started a life. I got a minimum wage job and sold massive amounts of drugs to barely get by. My partner fucked me over, a friend I had for a few years. I damn near killed him over it and my reputation is ruined because of it where I live. Now I run my parents business pretty much. They make a lavish six figures a year and I make $120 a week busting my ass. Half of it goes to gas so I can go to college. The other half goes to over 10K+ of medical bills that are ruining my credit that happened while I was on the job. I work my ass off and can't get out. I can't get away from this house, my abusive father, or anything even though I try so hard and Im willing to do just about anything. Suicide runs through my head constantly and I want to die so bad but I cant pull the fucking trigger. I have became a very dangerous, unstable person and I know this. I feel mentally crazy even though Im on no type of medication or drugs. I have stopped eating just about and I am down to 115lbs. I can tell my body is wasting away and there is nothing I can do about it. My fingers and knuckles are all broke and deformed from fighting and working so much that it is hard to write. I still cant show any emotion. When I look in the mirror at my scarred blank face I become more depressed and angry. My parents recently took out a 250K life insurance policy on me even though I have no health insurance. There is nothing more that I want in this world than to get away from my parents and I cant no matter how hard I try. All I ask for is a little apartment with a bed where I can be alone. Im just trying to look forward to graduating college and making decent money but it is so far away I feel like Im going to be dead before I get there. There is so much more to this story that I cant type or talk about. I just dont know what to do and Im tired. Tired of being tired. Sorry this is so long and pointless, I just needed to put part of my story out there.
|