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Anonymous #1

My love hates my family
    #19051841 - 10/29/13 12:48 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

So due to a very bad past situation that I wont go into because its a very long story, my girlfriend absolutely hates my parents and pretty much my family( she was kicked out to the curb after living with me and my family at our place).  We are in love and possibly getting a place in the near future and she lives an hour away now but the only problem is.. How am I supposed to deal with this when my parents can never be part of the picture?

She says they are absolutely never allowed in our place when we get one, she says she never wants to see them for holidays, birthdays or absolutely anything.  ESPECIALLY my mother, who she hates most.

Everything would be perfect except for this.. How do I cope with it?  Sometimes she shows tons of resentment towards me for still living at home with them ( im in my early 20's and financially cant move out again right now).  She thinks cause I am there still that I dont care at all that she was kicked out and that everything is fine and dandy between me and my parents.

She doesn't realize how miserable it is to be caught in the middle.  I had to give my mom a mouth full telling her exactly how I felt when it all happened, lots of hurtful things were said.  But thats not good enough for my girlfriend, she pretty much wants me to never speak to her and hate my mom( which isnt going to happen).

Does anyone else have any experience with this situation?  I am trying so hard but Idk if its all going to be for nothing if she can never be a part of my family again.  My girlfriend is a very angry person because of things that happened to her in her past, so she holds grudges and is constantly angry about things so that makes it even harder.

How do I deal with someone who is perfect for me and I love, but hates my family 100% and holds it against me at times?


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OfflineIrfan
Stranger

Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 180
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19051856 - 10/29/13 12:51 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

You sound like you have a pretty good attitude and your girl has a pretty negative one.  You know how to forgive and she doesn't.  Are you sure she is "perfect for you" ??

Why did they kick her out anyway?


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Anonymous #1

Re: My love hates my family [Re: Irfan]
    #19051916 - 10/29/13 01:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Irfan said:
You sound like you have a pretty good attitude and your girl has a pretty negative one.  You know how to forgive and she doesn't.  Are you sure she is "perfect for you" ??

Why did they kick her out anyway?




I try as hard as I can to have a good attitude. But on the inside i am hurt too.

She can be so angry at times I dont think she even wants to forgive even if she could.

Before this happened she was perfect for me, we fit together like a puzzle piece for everything and we love eachother for exactly who we are.

My family and her just COULD NOT get a long, at all with anything and they would really bump heads. So in the end an explosion of drama happened and my parents decided it was time for her to go, even though she had nowhere to go


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
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Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19051943 - 10/29/13 01:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I can only see this getting worse. A healthy relationship should not have an ultimatum to never see your family. What about if you have kids... are you gonna keep them from seeing their grandparents because of your crazy gf?


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[center


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Anonymous #1

Re: My love hates my family [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #19051960 - 10/29/13 01:19 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JohnnieYen said:
I can only see this getting worse. A healthy relationship should not have an ultimatum to never see your family. What about if you have kids... are you gonna keep them from seeing their grandparents because of your crazy gf?




Well thats just one of the many situations that is gonna come into play and i dont even know where to begin on how to deal with it.

It depresses me to the max for this to be happening.  everything was perfect between us and still is as far as just us and our relationship.  But what do I do in the future :sad:


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InvisibleApropos
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Registered: 09/02/12
Posts: 59
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19051965 - 10/29/13 01:21 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Does "not getting along" really warrant your girlfriend to hate your parents so much that she is willing to forbid your parents from visiting you (once you're moved in together) on holidays?  I'm sure her getting kicked out would leave her a little resentful, but it was well within your parents' right if she was being a rude guest in their house.

I don't think it's a healthy and "nearly perfect" relationship if she resents you for living with your parents (you're in your early twenties, for god's sake). Perhaps you need to re-evaluate what you value in your life (i.e. how important is it to you to have your significant other involved in your family life).  Once you decided if you're okay with either a) letting your girlfriend resent you for living with/ being on good terms with your family, or b) forsake your family and strain relations to be with a somewhat controlling girlfriend, you should probably have a conversation with your girl.

Personally, it is really important that my significant other gets along with my family. He doesn't have to be "friends" with them, but he damn better be polite and supportive of me when I want to visit them.


--------------------
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. ~ Rumi


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Anonymous #1

Re: My love hates my family [Re: Apropos]
    #19051987 - 10/29/13 01:28 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Right now, no, its not a healthy or nearly perfect relationship.  But, it was and that makes me so much more depressed about it all.

No I dont want to be strained from seeing my family or anything.  What I want most right now is for things to go back to the way they were but it will never happen :sad:

Before this happened we had such a beautiful picture painted for ourselves and pretty much decided we would have a future together and now this is pulling us apart.


Every single day she has guys begging for her number, asking her what she is doing later, telling her beautiful she looks, etc.  Yet she still stays with me and is attracted to me only.  But I know that if we break up she will immediately be able to find someone else and I'll just be all alone with nobody :sad: It tears me apart to picture her with someone else, especially physically since thats all those guys care about :sad::mad2:


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InvisibleApropos
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Registered: 09/02/12
Posts: 59
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19052057 - 10/29/13 01:48 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Right now, no, its not a healthy or nearly perfect relationship.  But, it was and that makes me so much more depressed about it all.

No I dont want to be strained from seeing my family or anything.  What I want most right now is for things to go back to the way they were but it will never happen :sad:

Before this happened we had such a beautiful picture painted for ourselves and pretty much decided we would have a future together and now this is pulling us apart.


Every single day she has guys begging for her number, asking her what she is doing later, telling her beautiful she looks, etc.  Yet she still stays with me and is attracted to me only.  But I know that if we break up she will immediately be able to find someone else and I'll just be all alone with nobody :sad: It tears me apart to picture her with someone else, especially physically since thats all those guys care about :sad::mad2:




This sounds like a bigger issue than just having girlfriend/family problems.  So this is my advice to you:

Work on living a life that you want to live, without her.

You're in your early twenties.  You've still got a lot to figure out about what kind of person you want to be and how you want to live your life.  It's always nice to think about building your life with someone, but there are a lot of other aspects of your life that you need to work on first. So focus on those areas (family, career, health etc).

You'll need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about getting along with your family out of respect to you.  About all of the guys contacting her.  And about how you guys can possibly build a happy life together, when there are clearly several issues you guys need to work through. 

Unfortunately she may not still share a mutual interest in your future together.  However, if she does, then I'm sure she'll be willing to work through all of these issue for your happiness.


--------------------
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. ~ Rumi


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Anonymous #1

Re: My love hates my family [Re: Apropos]
    #19052092 - 10/29/13 01:59 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Apropos said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Right now, no, its not a healthy or nearly perfect relationship.  But, it was and that makes me so much more depressed about it all.

No I dont want to be strained from seeing my family or anything.  What I want most right now is for things to go back to the way they were but it will never happen :sad:

Before this happened we had such a beautiful picture painted for ourselves and pretty much decided we would have a future together and now this is pulling us apart.


Every single day she has guys begging for her number, asking her what she is doing later, telling her beautiful she looks, etc.  Yet she still stays with me and is attracted to me only.  But I know that if we break up she will immediately be able to find someone else and I'll just be all alone with nobody :sad: It tears me apart to picture her with someone else, especially physically since thats all those guys care about :sad::mad2:




This sounds like a bigger issue than just having girlfriend/family problems.  So this is my advice to you:

Work on living a life that you want to live, without her.

You're in your early twenties.  You've still got a lot to figure out about what kind of person you want to be and how you want to live your life.  It's always nice to think about building your life with someone, but there are a lot of other aspects of your life that you need to work on first. So focus on those areas (family, career, health etc).

You'll need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about getting along with your family out of respect to you.  About all of the guys contacting her.  And about how you guys can possibly build a happy life together, when there are clearly several issues you guys need to work through. 

Unfortunately she may not still share a mutual interest in your future together.  However, if she does, then I'm sure she'll be willing to work through all of these issue for your happiness.




Right now, getting along with them after all this just isn't going to happen, it wont, at least not for quite a while.  The guys dont contact her via cell phone, its all in person when she is out by herself or when she is at work, she is always approached multiple times a day at her work, so thats nothing ill ever be able to control.

Her mutual interest in having a future was the same as mine, but after this she doesn't know either how we can have a future if she doesnt want to ever have to deal with them again ( she says she still wants to be with me and she loves me).  Her solution is to just get rid of things in her life that cause problems for her ( my parents) and im afraid that she may feel that im the problem and push me out if we get a place and have to deal with my parents from time to time.

I am trying to concentrate on myself a lot, but this has been going on for a couple months now and I feel almost like I live a double life being caught in the center unable to talk about my significant other to my family or vice versa.

I love her more than anything and I would do anything to change it back to the way it were :sad:


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InvisibleApropos
Existentialist
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Registered: 09/02/12
Posts: 59
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19052133 - 10/29/13 02:09 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:



Right now, getting along with them after all this just isn't going to happen, it wont, at least not for quite a while.  The guys dont contact her via cell phone, its all in person when she is out by herself or when she is at work, she is always approached multiple times a day at her work, so thats nothing ill ever be able to control.

Her mutual interest in having a future was the same as mine, but after this she doesn't know either how we can have a future if she doesnt want to ever have to deal with them again ( she says she still wants to be with me and she loves me).  Her solution is to just get rid of things in her life that cause problems for her ( my parents) and im afraid that she may feel that im the problem and push me out if we get a place and have to deal with my parents from time to time.

I am trying to concentrate on myself a lot, but this has been going on for a couple months now and I feel almost like I live a double life being caught in the center unable to talk about my significant other to my family or vice versa.

I love her more than anything and I would do anything to change it back to the way it were :sad:




I'm sorry, it's a shitty situation to be in.  It's too bad that she avoids issues, rather than confronts them, but that won't change unless she wants it to.  If she later decides that she no longer wants to deal with your parents and can't be with you, then you have to respect her decision. 

You should realize, however, that it is a great disrespect to you to put you in the middle, resent you, and be rude to your parents.  This behavior is unacceptable, and you need to confront her about it.  Again, you guys will either work through it (because you love each other), or you won't, which is probably the best indication that things won't work out between you two, and then you can move on.


--------------------
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. ~ Rumi


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InvisibleBender B Rodriguez
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Registered: 11/20/09
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Loc: Aurora, CO
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Apropos]
    #19052448 - 10/29/13 03:25 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I'm in a pretty similar situation right now and it fucking sucks.


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Offlinerockylampoon
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Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 334
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Re: My love hates my family [Re: Bender B Rodriguez]
    #19052805 - 10/29/13 04:36 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

It sounds like your family doesn't respect you (unless your GF did something really fucked up), and neither does your GF. Otherwise they'd try to make it work, having your feelings in mind. Right now they are just looking to their own interests.

:justinwilson:


--------------------
I'll make sense when I run out of lemons. Until then I'll make lemonade.


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OfflineIrfan
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Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 180
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19053037 - 10/29/13 05:19 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Every single day she has guys begging for her number, asking her what she is doing later, telling her beautiful she looks, etc.  Yet she still stays with me and is attracted to me only.  But I know that if we break up she will immediately be able to find someone else and I'll just be all alone with nobody :sad: It tears me apart to picture her with someone else, especially physically since thats all those guys care about :sad::mad2:




Why mention this?  Is this one of the driving forces keeping you from letting her go?


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Anonymous #1

Re: My love hates my family [Re: Irfan]
    #19056719 - 10/30/13 09:39 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Bender B Rodriguez said:
I'm in a pretty similar situation right now and it fucking sucks.




Yeah it does suck :thumbdown:

Quote:

rockylampoon said:
It sounds like your family doesn't respect you (unless your GF did something really fucked up), and neither does your GF. Otherwise they'd try to make it work, having your feelings in mind. Right now they are just looking to their own interests.

:justinwilson:




Idk, i'd say there is still some respect going on but right now its thin and id also say that its more towards everyones interest, yep

Quote:

Irfan said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Every single day she has guys begging for her number, asking her what she is doing later, telling her beautiful she looks, etc.  Yet she still stays with me and is attracted to me only.  But I know that if we break up she will immediately be able to find someone else and I'll just be all alone with nobody :sad: It tears me apart to picture her with someone else, especially physically since thats all those guys care about :sad::mad2:




Why mention this?  Is this one of the driving forces keeping you from letting her go?




Well because Im afraid that this may lead to a break up in the end, and I said that because its really the truth and it kind of scares me/makes me sad.  So yeah its one reason I think about when it comes to letting her go, its a small reason that isnt super important, but it still makes me sad to think about if we end up breaking up:sad:


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InvisiblePocketLady
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Re: My love hates my family [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19056999 - 10/30/13 10:58 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Well from what I can make of it, your parents were nice enough to let your gf move in, and then she did something that meant they had to ask her to leave, we they probably didn't relish doing.  Sounds like your gf is at fault here, and she is trying to control you and your relationship with your family.  Not sure I would want to be with someone like that.

Now the trouble is, relationships play with your emotions.  I've been in several relationships where I desperately wanted to be with my partner, but I later realise it was mostly the thought and threat of not being with him (other women on the scene etc) that made me "love" him so much and made me convince myself my relationship was as good as it gets.  But in truth a good relationship is built on trust and respect, not on fear.


--------------------
Love is from the infinite, and will remain until eternity.
The seeker of love escapes the chains of birth and death.
Tomorrow, when resurrection comes,
The heart that is not in love will fail the test.

~ Rumi



The day we start giving Love instead of seeking Love, we will have re-written our whole destiny.
~ Swami Chinmayanada Saraswatir


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: My love hates my family [Re: Apropos]
    #19058313 - 10/30/13 03:30 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Apropos said:
Quote:



Right now, getting along with them after all this just isn't going to happen, it wont, at least not for quite a while.  The guys dont contact her via cell phone, its all in person when she is out by herself or when she is at work, she is always approached multiple times a day at her work, so thats nothing ill ever be able to control.

Her mutual interest in having a future was the same as mine, but after this she doesn't know either how we can have a future if she doesnt want to ever have to deal with them again ( she says she still wants to be with me and she loves me).  Her solution is to just get rid of things in her life that cause problems for her ( my parents) and im afraid that she may feel that im the problem and push me out if we get a place and have to deal with my parents from time to time.

I am trying to concentrate on myself a lot, but this has been going on for a couple months now and I feel almost like I live a double life being caught in the center unable to talk about my significant other to my family or vice versa.

I love her more than anything and I would do anything to change it back to the way it were :sad:




I'm sorry, it's a shitty situation to be in.  It's too bad that she avoids issues, rather than confronts them, but that won't change unless she wants it to.  If she later decides that she no longer wants to deal with your parents and can't be with you, then you have to respect her decision. 

You should realize, however, that it is a great disrespect to you to put you in the middle, resent you, and be rude to your parents.  This behavior is unacceptable, and you need to confront her about it.  Again, you guys will either work through it (because you love each other), or you won't, which is probably the best indication that things won't work out between you two, and then you can move on.



This.... totally agree with apropos

My advice.....listen to your parents....you will get over her.


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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