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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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*vent
#19028625 - 10/24/13 10:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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i feel like i am just willing my life away...
i have cut myself off from all i loved and interested me over the last decade... and if i ever revisit them i am faced with the ugly confrontation of what could have been.
i feel lamed and dumb. i feel embarrassed by myself. i feel non adult. i have ruined a good and highly priveleged life over nothing. i feel disgusted that people are nice to me at all... and they are. i feel disgusted with thoughts that seep into my brain like silent farts in tracksuit-pants.
i feel like i have poor self awareness. that i am crass, irritable... easily taken on a whim.. have a poor grip of reality. and i feel guilty for people assuming the best in me.
i feel like i have not had a close friend since junior school. that i have not had a lengthy conversation for years. my moods are erratic. just this morning i skipped work, looked briefly for a psychologist, then abandoned that because i felt on top of the world, then got hung up on something my sister said over lunch, then came home and felt positive until some words with with my mother.. and now this.
it just seems hopeless. i have social anxiety, cant get close to anyone, cant speak to a group of more than two people... the other day at work they had a lunch and felt my awkward presence and felt my face actually seizing up to the point where i had to sip endlessly on my tea so that noone would notice...
i hate those moments more than anything. i feel so impotent in my life. i cant help myself and am not qualified to help anyone else.. i feel that the people i love or admire would only suffer if i tried to be a part of their lives.
/vent for now im gonna go drink some tea
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (10/24/13 10:18 PM)
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19028712 - 10/24/13 10:30 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Dude, you're one of the funnier posters here!! I hate to hear you're beating yourself up over the past. Its the past for a reason. You are worthy of love, flaws & all. I think once you find your footing, you'll be less inclined to trip over other people's words. I suggest starting to meditate, get to know yourself & your reactions. Hope I'm not being presumptuous by offering unsolicited advice.
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full blown human
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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not at all, thanks Penelope i literally just cried on my bed after reading that god im such a fucking loser, i appreciate the advice, i feel like i could benefit from a psychologist too to gain some perspective.. thanks for your kind words and support
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19028830 - 10/24/13 10:52 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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i feel like i never beat myself up enough to really change but do it just enough to be unhappy.. and it leaves me drifting in some useless nowhere land
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19028999 - 10/24/13 11:40 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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hmm idk i feel a bit less hopeless now idk if I should delete this thread or not... i think i will be ok if i can enjoy my life for the ridiculous neurotic bundle that it is .. and i do enjoy bits of it, and despite all my aforementioned hopelessness there are ppl who i genuinely care for.. it shits me though that i can't let my guard down enough to connect on a deeper level or share my own happiness with them..
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19029239 - 10/25/13 12:52 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19029245 - 10/25/13 12:54 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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im just going to keep posting in this thread until my life has resolved itself don't mind me nothing to see here
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19029660 - 10/25/13 05:31 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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welp i just had fam dinner and have decided i def need to be institutionalized.. it's been nice knowin y'all
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19030079 - 10/25/13 08:50 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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It sounds like we may belong to the same family.
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Spacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19030149 - 10/25/13 09:13 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Mate, are your family all trippy hippies? If so, living with them must be awesome. If however they're more mainstream people, of course they'll think you're a weirdo and give you bad vibes over it. Try to move out, or get them to partake.
For the things you feel, IMO there is a reasonably simple solution: Aya ceremony. Should fix you right up for months, takes one day. Or you could invest in a shrink for the next 5-10 years, see how that works out, but I think it won't work nearly as well.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Quote:
LunarEclipse said: Toga Party.
By the gods! This is one of the finest awesomest most usefulest videos I've seen on the shroomery in a LONG time!
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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yes thank you Lunar for your insightful input
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (10/25/13 08:51 PM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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nah i think my parents are actually disgustingly nice and accepting of me and good guys, which makes it that much harder >:O
dinner did my head in because it just became so increasingly apparent how shitty my anxiety was and how little i know and how i can't even contribute to normal conversations in an open positive manner.. i had pretty much decided that it is too much when i posted the above..
then i took some vallies and had a very long text convo with my ex in hong kong and felt a bit better
this morning i spent a bunch of time researching psychologists and judging them by their location, their gender, name and what i imagine to be their practice.. then i had a walk with my mum and we had a long convo touching on this stuff and i must say i feel quite a bit better for the moment
about to see some school friends so we'll see how that goes..
thx for reading guys
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (10/25/13 10:58 PM)
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Spacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 2
#19033772 - 10/25/13 11:53 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
then i took some vallies

Well since my Aya suggestion has probably fallen on deaf ears, I can only recommend moving out from living with your parents asap. Whether nice or oppressive, living with parents for too long has a way of keeping a guy below his potential as a man, as a leader and adventurer. I've had months and years of living on my own in various cities alternating with coming back home for a while. Without a doubt there's a certain kind of specific adventurous single male initiative that gets turned off, by simply being here. I've had several friends confirm it in their experience as well. If you can move to some other city or even country, that will help with A LOT of those problems.
One exception to this was when I stared art school, I spent most of the day working my asse off in those classes, basically just coming home in the evening to eat and crash in my bed. The rest was out work work work study work some more. Felt awesome. Also felt like I wasn't really living at home, I just had some stuff there.
There's a certain kind of confidence that comes from self-reliance and intense activity. Living with parents is completely undermining all of that. I've had several runs to test this, and even when I was like WHOO! ROCK ON! all empowered and stuff, thinking this will never happen to me ever again, a few months of living at home have me reverting back into a useless unproductive shadow of myself. Not cool.
To put it short living with the folks encourages momma's boy kind of feelings and behaviors, whereas being out on one's own triggers some completely different things into action. YOu actually feel like a different man, made of useful reliable material and with some amount of brass balls for pulling it off, as opposed to staying home telling mommy your troubles. Your mileage may vary, this was my experience. Even as an adult, or maybe especially as an adult, living with folks can seriously undermine the feelings of healthy self-reliance.
Quote:
this morning i spent a bunch of time researching psychologists and judging them by their location, their gender, name and what i imagine to be their practice.. then i had a walk with my mum and we had a long convo touching on this stuff and i must say i feel quite a bit better for the moment
Ok who's to be paying for said psychologists, if you're to end up going to one of em? If you yourself, by the sweat of your own brow, then good. Awesome. and I hope they get you all your money's worth and get you rolling smooth.
If mom & dad, then
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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Grapefruit
Freak in the forest


Registered: 05/09/08
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19034727 - 10/26/13 09:18 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Similar here man. I accepted that I have failed in most regards. 
It's just the way it is. Why do you expect to be a successful human being? Maybe that's the problem.
I think you are an awesome guy whatever flaws you have privately btw.
-------------------- Little left in the way of energy; or the way of love, yet happy to entertain myself playing mental games with the rest of you freaks until the rivers run backwards. "Chat your fraff Chat your fraff Just chat your fraff Chat your fraff"
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks man that means a lot to me you are a poster i have high regard for
last night went ok, i was able to contribute a bit more than i usually don't :P.. i went with the mindset to try not overanalyze things and try let go of things i usually get hung up on.. the negatives were i still needed a constant beer in my hand and smoked quite a few cigarettes .. i would like to be more in control of that stuff, but anyway
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks for your input spacerific i will respond properly to your post when i have some time later, moving out is something i have considered
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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i wouldnt mind being a bit more 'woo rock on!' lol
i can see benefit in moving out to gain a sense of independence, perspective, throwing you into the world and forcing you into action. i actually did move out at the beginning of the year for a couple of months which was cool but not earth shattering (or economically intelligent really).. altho i made new friends my ongoing issues were still there.. at least at home i have a safe stable environment where i can maybe start exploring myself a bit better.. i mean if i can't be happy here with ppl around who i like and a family that cares for me when will i ever be happy!?... anyway i don't really have a problem with it and don't see it as a mark against my masculinity or w/e altho i am deeply insulted you called me a mommas boy
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (10/27/13 03:05 AM)
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19039710 - 10/27/13 08:39 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: i wouldnt mind being a bit more 'woo rock on!' lol
i can see benefit in moving out to gain a sense of independence, perspective, throwing you into the world and forcing you into action. i actually did move out at the beginning of the year for a couple of months which was cool but not earth shattering (or economically intelligent really).. altho i made new friends my ongoing issues were still there.. at least at home i have a safe stable environment where i can maybe start exploring myself a bit better.. i mean if i can't be happy here with ppl around who i like and a family that cares for me when will i ever be happy!?... anyway i don't really have a problem with it and don't see it as a mark against my masculinity or w/e altho i am deeply insulted you called me a mommas boy 
I didn't call you a momma's boy, I'm simply stating the facts. Both from personal experience and friends who have lived on their own and then came back for a while with the folks, there's a clear shift in how one feels and acts, completely involuntary. I'll be the first to say it I was a momma's boy for years, it felt terrible, would only wish it on worst enemies.
When I first left for college I also took my issues from home with me. Took a few years of living alone to actually open up. I understand this may not be feasible economically, I'm just saying it's great emotionally, for a man to do as soon as he can and it makes sense.
The starkest contrast came from the psy festivals. I'd go with a tent (or even without one, just a sleeping tent and prayers) some cash, some outdoor gear, awaken with the sun sleep with the stars and spend the days with friends, and I felt the most human that I've ever felt in my life. We had to buy and cook our own food, share it, earn every experience by traveling and navigating our way to it, it was and felt completely awesome. Then came back to a house, where I would appreciate everything for its true awesomeness, from showers to beds to a roof above head, and it also felt like that wild adventurous part was completely smothered. It wasn't there because there was no need for it to be there, nor was there much place for it. I've seen this happen several times and would not recommend it to anybody.
Let me ask you some technical questions about the time when you moved out. How many girls did you bring over and had an awesome time with, at your hard earned place in your own room in your bed, that you had dominion with and could do with as you pleased?
For me, first few years after moving out, I was completely ignorant of girls and women, so I moved out into a lonely excuse for an existence made of porn, gaming and masturbation, depression and insomnia. Fucked up beyond belief. Clearly not the way to do it, in retrospect. I'd say the crazy things that you actually do with your own place, that you wouldn't do at home, that give the extra oomph to your life. And you won't even know what that is until you spend a few months out there.
I hope this clarifies a bit what I meant. So far I've lived in something like 7-8 different places in 3 different cities, and most of them were way better than back at home. What I've found to matter most is travel distance to downtown, or to the nearest parks. The bigger that distance, the shittier the experience for me at least, as it takes out jogging, roller skating, short 10-15 min walks and activities that put you among new people and in a great productive mood. It's all downhill from there, especially if you don't have room mates or a job where you meet a bunch of new people every week.
So that's my 2 cents on this. Ayahuasca ceremony and / or moving out when possible, or at least traveling on your own (say to psy festivals, Burning Man etc) are what helped me most. Also things that you work for yourself, like going through a good self improvement audiobook, the more of those you can get under your hood and implement, the better off you'll be. I used to edit them to 150% speed and listen to them over and over and over, spaced repetition, to really "get" the point of wtf I should be doing and also do it. If money is an issue IMO this might be more feasible than paying through the nose for a shrink. It gives you control of what you accomplish, whatever you improve it's all fully yours, earned with your own head and hands
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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nice post thanks for the input and sharing your experiences.. i didn't bring any girls home to my place actually
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19042919 - 10/27/13 09:42 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: nice post thanks for the input and sharing your experiences.. i didn't bring any girls home to my place actually
same here initially, and since I didn't use the extra freedom that comes with having one's own place, I didn't get any of the benefits.
being able to walk around naked after a night with a nice girl, the carefree breakfast, watching some show or other still naked on the bed, it's the kind of thing you can't do at home with the parents lurking on hallways, and furthermore you're a lot less likely to bring random girls there, as your mind isn't in that mode.
hope I'm not projecting too much, I'm actually in a similar situation right now, and FUCK in some ways it's worse than prison.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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well it's been a week & i still feel pretty much like this cartoon https://twitter.com/tao_lin/status/391026029672034305/photo/1
thinking about my life hurts my head
i am trying to make small changes but it is hard for me to sustain them (as my history has proven). it is hard for me to focus without running into something that sets me off on cycles of negative anxiety driven thoughts..
my hang ups seem to be a major obstruction to sustained change or feeling in control, but i cant see any obvious way to deal with them..
my social anxiety seems bad, not being able to feel open with people makes me feel very fake most of the time.. i think it is quite possible my unhappiness is founded on some real resolvable irrational thoughts.. or it may just be a function of irrational thoughts being left for too long, getting out of hand, so that even once you recognize them you are left with a labyrinth of negative behaviors and coping strategies...
idk
anyway i still havent seen psychologist yet but would like to and will let y'all know how it goes when i do.. im not expecting the clouds to part and sun to shine down but who knows
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Spacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 2
#19078263 - 11/03/13 01:00 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Mate I'll give you my insights on how this stuff works for me, if anything rings true to you feel free to apply it over there as well.
Irrational thoughts, fears, etc. These are indeed real in the sense that they do happen in my head. As for the reason, I've found that 100% of the time they are due to not enough skin contact, not enough sleep & exercise (read sweating until you hit endorphins) and being surrounded with 0 people that truly share my interests. THis means psychedelics, audiobooks of this or that kind, my specific kind of retarded jokes, etc.
In other words, if all the people I hang around are mainstreamers and clearheads that I'm not fucking, I will generally start to close in, spend too much time alone indoors and this gets the mental shitstorm started:
Popular thoughts include: - I'm not good enough. - Why do I suck so bad - Why can't I do this or that - Why can't I X - Why can't I change? - Damn, I was so stupid in situation X, I should have done action Y instead - Damn, I was so stupid in situation X, I should have done action Z instead - Damn, I was so stupid in situation X, I should have done action Q instead, omg that was so stupid of me, retarded  - How long will this river of shit that is my life continue like this? - OMG this shit will never end. FML.
Then there's the "I'll Nevers" : - OMG I'll never get a girl again. Fuck shit OMFG this is terrible. - OMG I'll never get in great shape. Fuck shit OMFG this is terrible I can't believe this is happening why is this happening. - OMG I'll never move out on my own again. Fuck shit OMFG this is terrible. Obviously I'll never get any pussy again, oh fuck this sucks total balls god dammit boo hoo (feel down all day)
Basically there will be this pattern of "Why can't I" , "I'll Nevers" or "OMG I'm so stupid why did I ..." that just go on and on in a loop making me feel shitty as fuck. I've successfully spent months and ever YEARS in this state, so yay me.
How to stop: Surprisingly easy, it turns out, though when you're in the middle of it, absolutely it appears improbable to downright impossible.
You need to do certain things, all of which may be hard but doable.
- Run or walk outside every morning for a month. Have music with you on your mp3 player as that increases your speed and range and mood and you give less of a fuck about everything around you, and enjoy the birds and trees way beter. - Get your PUA skills back in order (or learn some now if you never studied this before, there's no way around it) and after some hours of material (audio or video), get outside start meeting girls. By some hours I mean at least 10, but feel free to go for 40-50. That's hours of listening, one material or several different ones. You'll probably have to go through several rejections before anything actually works, and that poses a problem. As you may know when OK people get rejected it's no biggie, you have 5 areas of your life that work and one that doesn't, you can just brush it off. If depressed, you may have 0 areas of your life that work, and so when rejected in this one thing you're trying to get right, it's almost worth an immediate suicide, that's the feeling of it. The solution is to get 2-3 areas of life working, BEFORE starting with the girls, so that you have a bit of a thick skin for the rejections. Exercising is one of the cheapest do start this with, and a stronger body will give you a thicker mental skin for rejections as well.
- Find people with shared interests. If that's psychedelics, then you need people who know about this and are interested in talking about them, tripping together etc. You'll find you don't need to act fake around them, if you have a genuine shared interest. All the people that you don't have this with, you may instinctively start to not offer your genuine views, just to please them and try to form some type of human bond, which obviously is fake and feels fake for both parties involved and you'll feel shitty afterwards. It's like you sending yourself the message that your real self isn't good enough, and that's why you need to present a fake mask to others. To break this, find people you KNOW to have similar interests, that genuinely like the real you, as a fellow tripper, or whatever the shared interest.
- When you have your at least 1 real friend with a shared interest AND are involved with at least one girl, I am quite confident 90% or more of your negative thoughts will vanish. I've seen this happen several times, so I've had time to check what works what doesn't.
I would say most of this stuff a therapist won't be able to do for you, just remind you to do it, which I've done here already (for free). Many other people over on youtube have done it, just listen to it there in spoken/video form, as it will sink in better, and also for free. Get into self improvement type material. Find the kind you like.
Unless you have your therapy session on a treadmill (which IMO should be the norm) I suspect it will make your therapist quite happy, as progress will be slow, relapses many, and so you'll have to come back for a long LONG time, allowing him to buy that house he always wanted.
If you feel like it, check out this here checklist:
The kind of material you watch, read and listen to. Also what's on your mp3 player. See how much is: * exercise videos - Yoga sessions, Pavel Tsatsouline awesome stuff, Navy Seal this or that kinda training, whatever your fave kind of workout may be * exercise music, that you actually use for exercising * self improvement material - Audiobooks, Lectures, Seminars, Hypnosis sessions, Guided meditations * standup comedy, comedies, things to give you good vibes and good convo starters
How you spend your time * exercising * learning / trying out PUA skills out there in the city * learning your other kinds of material
Who you spend time with * Your coach or training partner, working out * Your trippy friend, tripping or talking about previous awesome trips, or planning new ones * Your wingman, talking PUA skills or being out there in the field chasing and landing fresh pussy * Your regular friends, having a general blast somewhere * Your girl, or when you don't have one, any girl
Where you spend your time - At your friends' house - Your 2-3 favorite girl pickup locations - Your fave places to exercise (outside, different than at home) - Others that apply. If 90% or more of your time is only home and at work/school, you're in trouble. If it's just at home, you're in super trouble, think about diversifying FAST. Like buy ANY martial arts dojo membership, yoga class membership, dance, any sport whatsoever, just to get you outside and moving.
Do the math how much a therapist session would buy you, in terms of outside time with others, doing something active. And obviously club memberships come with intrinsic shared interests, as in, you can talk Yoga with the Yoga friends, martial arts with the martial arts friends, you can talk dance with the dance girls, etc, giving you some actual life improvements from your money, potentially real friends. Money spent on a therapist will IMO not give you anything of the sort, you'll just have a therapist you pay for, and one hour of therapy will IMO give you less insights than 3-4 hours of good audiobooks and seminars and lectures from your player.
There would be amazing money if a guy would offer as a paid service, just him taking the client around on his healthy lifestyle for a month, demonstrating step by step how it's done and implemented. Around to his gym or park exercising, be your wingman for a few Fridays, share with you his PUA material playlist from the early days, the whole enchilada of how to go through a functional lifestyle. Some life coaches may probably go into this, but I don't know of anybody offering a full Nerd-B-Gone program 
That's my 2 cents, sorry for the long post, hope some of this helps. Good vibes, be all that you can be 
Oh and final edit, I can't believe I forgot this, obviously go to events like Burning Man this year, no therapist is worth paying for, out of your psy festival money
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
Edited by Spacerific (11/03/13 01:24 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks space..ive read about half of it so far and it seems like a real honest, insightful and thorough response 
i totally relate to a lot of it as well..
it is strange, guys, today has been the best and most positive seeming day ive had in a while, i felt able to talk to people not in any obviously different fashion but less fearful and felt genuinely open on several occasions. this is really good for me although i have no idea why or how it happened anyhoo
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19084338 - 11/04/13 07:03 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Glad to hear you're having a good day!
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full blown human
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19084399 - 11/04/13 07:50 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm sorry to hear you've been having troubles quinn. Well I'm not sorry myself but I feel you, you know.
I remember you made a similar thread earlier this year, so I take it things haven't improved a great deal? I have to agree with space on the moving out of home suggestion.
I have my share of neuroses and was on and off in heavy depression up until I moved out this year. I had a hunch it would help things for me so I went with it despite the financial struggles and other commitments being a full time student living out of home but hey I'm glad I did it!
Social anxiety can be awful. I've got no advice for you there really since I'm probably just as anxious as you most of the time 
Anyway I like you man, I'm glad you're doing better today
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Endure
The Anal Demon



Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19085299 - 11/04/13 01:01 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: i feel like i am just willing my life away...
i have cut myself off from all i loved and interested me over the last decade... and if i ever revisit them i am faced with the ugly confrontation of what could have been.
i feel lamed and dumb. i feel embarrassed by myself. i feel non adult. i have ruined a good and highly priveleged life over nothing. i feel disgusted that people are nice to me at all... and they are. i feel disgusted with thoughts that seep into my brain like silent farts in tracksuit-pants.
i feel like i have poor self awareness. that i am crass, irritable... easily taken on a whim.. have a poor grip of reality. and i feel guilty for people assuming the best in me.
i feel like i have not had a close friend since junior school. that i have not had a lengthy conversation for years. my moods are erratic. just this morning i skipped work, looked briefly for a psychologist, then abandoned that because i felt on top of the world, then got hung up on something my sister said over lunch, then came home and felt positive until some words with with my mother.. and now this.
it just seems hopeless. i have social anxiety, cant get close to anyone, cant speak to a group of more than two people... the other day at work they had a lunch and felt my awkward presence and felt my face actually seizing up to the point where i had to sip endlessly on my tea so that noone would notice...
i hate those moments more than anything. i feel so impotent in my life. i cant help myself and am not qualified to help anyone else.. i feel that the people i love or admire would only suffer if i tried to be a part of their lives.
/vent for now im gonna go drink some tea
i have a very simliar problem, i used to get so insecure that i would be focusing on how i walked, talked, acted, how my face expression looked every second of the day. but im young, i was not always like this i used to be 'the talk' all the time with my highschool buddies, i started smoking weed and my denial and things went downhill. personally i think you should see a therapist, you'll probably feel different ina couple of months and alot more confident.
if its one thing, the awkward silence makes for great lyrics though.
but anyways, i was also in denial about some things in my life which was stopping me from not worrying about what people think of me, in my case it was a sexual one, its like after highschool my hormones which allowed me to fuck girls wasnt there no more but it was for guys, an essentially this made me not accepting of my own self, which is a scary feelin and it sounds like your going through it too...
ive also gained some weight, went from 165 with 130lb muscle to 200lb 30percent fat and loss of alot of muscle due to the depression i was in but now im taking strides to losing weight and eatin under a calorie maintenance program, its working, and i look/feel better. sometimes i feel like shit but compared to where i was a couple of months ago things are looking a fuckload better.
-------------------- Im only aloud to post once an hour. Because 'Sell Your Soul' doesn't like me. so if I am responding to you, that means you are above of the utmost importance
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks dudes/dudettes.  @birdland right you are man, I feel this has been ongoing for a long while.. i know life will always be painful to an extent but i can't help wonder if there is more i can do... today was pretty cray for me, my mood went from up, to my mum chiding me and me almost bursting into tears on the train, to me accidentally deleting work's google analytics account to me walking home listlessly and thinking xfrockian things about what 'i know' e.g. i am on a street, that is a wall, that person has a serious face etc etc (this actually was good i think and i might continue doing it). then me feeling utterly despondent around my grandmother & then i went to an amazing good/sad film and now i feel pretty good again
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (11/05/13 07:00 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: Endure]
#19088809 - 11/05/13 06:43 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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thanks endure. that sounds horribly similar to me, actually .. idk if a lack of sex drive is due to just general anxiety, irrational thoughts or im just not at that stage (even tho I'm 24).. i also feel resistance like it shouldn't matter.. but it does seem to effect relations (or maybe i let its effect bother me?).. for a long while I've felt i can't really connect with most guys on some level.. may end up pming you.. thanks for dropping in y'all!
Edited by quinn (11/05/13 06:56 AM)
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19089064 - 11/05/13 08:42 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
thinking xfrockian things
That's too funny, man. I feel so cool I understand that reference.
I know you're getting a lot of info thrown your way (even good info can be overwhelming when it's come in tidal wave quantities). Maybe you should try meeting one goal in a month's time and then, after mastering that skill, incorporate another goal. IMHO, exercise would be my first priority (and it looks like the Journal of Psychiatric Practice agrees with me). 45-60 minutes, 3-5 days a week is what is recommended. You can even break it up (15 minutes at a time) & still reap benefits. You don't have to drop & push up 100 times, either - walking is exercise.
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full blown human
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Endure
The Anal Demon



Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19091605 - 11/05/13 06:26 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: thanks endure. that sounds horribly similar to me, actually .. idk if a lack of sex drive is due to just general anxiety, irrational thoughts or im just not at that stage (even tho I'm 24).. i also feel resistance like it shouldn't matter.. but it does seem to effect relations (or maybe i let its effect bother me?).. for a long while I've felt i can't really connect with most guys on some level.. may end up pming you.. thanks for dropping in y'all!
yeah, ive lost my ability to connect with alot of dudes too and females honestly, (given its getting slowly better since ive accepted my situation) its like my entire self is changing, its kinda of weird, used to be super depressing, still is at times, so i just write lyrics to cope n become a little more desensitized to it all. feel free to pm me.
Edited by Endure (11/05/13 06:32 PM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: Endure]
#19110934 - 11/09/13 03:51 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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appreciate the input earlier peeps .. i feel this thread has been helpful and has been a good place to vent. my week has gone pretty well thinking just about objects directly around me seems to have helped me ground my thoughts when im feeling shitty ... last night was a bit of a slip in that i knowingly drank & smoked and also i chose not to see the people i really like seeing because.. no good reasons really. 
well actually after some thought there is good reason. it's something like, my lack of contribution in social situations makes me feel super bad when im around cool people who have funny, good natured, interesting discussions! so last night i chose to hang around with my semi delinquent friends instead..
one of the lowest and lolest moments of my life was after a party (with the cool interesting ppl who i cant interact with) when i left with my bottle of cheap wine and sat alone in a dark nook in the city (which was probably a a prime pissing/vomiting area on reflection) and drank the whole bottle of wine sobbing. man that was retarded
anyhoo. have a good day all
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Endure
The Anal Demon



Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19110950 - 11/09/13 03:56 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: appreciate the input earlier peeps .. i feel this thread has been helpful and has been a good place to vent. my week has gone pretty well thinking just about objects directly around me seems to have helped me ground my thoughts when im feeling shitty ... last night was a bit of a slip in that i knowingly drank & smoked and also i chose not to see the people i really like seeing because.. no good reasons really. 
well actually after some thought there is good reason. it's something like, my lack of contribution in social situations makes me feel super bad when im around cool people who have funny, good natured, interesting discussions! so last night i chose to hang around with my semi delinquent friends instead..
one of the lowest and lolest moments of my life was after a party (with the cool interesting ppl who i cant interact with) when i left with my bottle of cheap wine and sat alone in a dark nook in the city (which was probably a a prime pissing/vomiting area on reflection) and drank the whole bottle of wine sobbing. man that was retarded
anyhoo. have a good day all
yeah ive smoked weed before and decided to chill with certain people over others because my energy when i smoke is next to none
-------------------- Im only aloud to post once an hour. Because 'Sell Your Soul' doesn't like me. so if I am responding to you, that means you are above of the utmost importance
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Spacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19111228 - 11/09/13 05:16 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: one of the lowest and lolest moments of my life was after a party (with the cool interesting ppl who i cant interact with) when i left with my bottle of cheap wine and sat alone in a dark nook in the city (which was probably a a prime pissing/vomiting area on reflection) and drank the whole bottle of wine sobbing. man that was retarded
anyhoo. have a good day all
Don't think you're alone man, save for the alcohol bottle I've been exactly there about 2 months ago. Sobbing alone like a fat girl out of icecream. Holy smokes, I mean I should have filmed it, I could have been an actor with drama like that Shit happens. Our brain can only take so much crap (real or imagined) before we simply go fuck it 
I'm still feeling a bit weird about that day, I wish I could have handled it better, don't be so hard on myself and all that, but it is what it is. Had I been smarter, I would have been smarter. Would have been a different guy, different universe. We don't live there, we live in this one. So in this one, let's try to take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, one flower and one fuck-up at a time. The universe will go where it needs to go, I doubt there's much stopping it.
Look on the bright side, you got that evening out of the way, it is now done. So is my fucked up evening 2 months ago. We fucked up, we survived, as long as we're breathing we can still make some awesome shit happen, potentially. Watch some nice videos and read threads about people losing limbs, contracting flesh eating diseases, being raped and getting HIV and mauled by wild animals and killed and maimed and ruined in any number of violent ways, and having their lives so thoroughly fucked up, that our problems are a lively walk in the park by comparison. Get some Japanese movies, those are fucked up on a whole different level than Hollywood ones.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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I think most of us have been there in some way. There's no need be ashamed or guilty about it, better to move on and try and learn from what happened.
Glad to hear you're week went better quin
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thx birdland.. thx guys nice to have some fellow losers out there who can relate  
right you are space
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19111910 - 11/09/13 08:09 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Glad to hear you're week went better quin 
lol you are week went better
Edited by birdland (11/11/13 07:03 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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fucking ppl having a good time. they make me feel so bad for not being able to have a good time 
why can't everyone be super miserable so that i can then seem fun loving and cool. what is this shit.
I hate how often I feel like i don't understand what ppl are talking about or what they're insinuating.. I often feel like i am missing something..
I probably am. I can't seem to go to pubs or clubs and enjoy myself, talking to new people and seeming cordial seems almost impossible.. Meeting a girl or something seems impossible and I would really like to feel bitter about all this but it is hard when ppl are just having fun..
My misanthropic cab driver who hates alcohols and the ppl it leads to his service was a bit comforting but really he was way too bitter about it
Anyhoo hmpf
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19293558 - 12/18/13 02:22 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
I would really like to feel bitter about all this but it is hard when ppl are just having fun..
A little Freudian slip my good man? 
All I can say is get your arse in gear and get shrooming, as opposed to boozing. I mean are you still chugging down alcohol like it contained some imagined solution to all your troubles? Because if you are, I have yet to see that going well, long term.
Put in a few mush trips, find a few fellow trippers, find one fellow trippy girl and go on a few rides with her, your life will definitely improve and you'll start being able to appreciate stuff differently.
But you have to change something. Change where you live, where you work, how and where you party, who you hang with. You have to change something if you want your inner world to change (and vice versa).
Good vibes mate, be all the colors you can be
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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haha that was actually no slip at all, completely intentional
i drink in those situations pretty much to manage anxiety (feeling like idk what to do or say)
a change in how i deal with it would be good i think.. my life seems very privileged and well situated and I can't articulate anything obvious to complain about so i don't feel like running off on some major change is something that I can justify to myself.. I think you are right though I would probably feel better in that kind if environment (tho is difficult to say)
anyway thanks for the input
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (12/18/13 04:55 PM)
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19294523 - 12/18/13 06:21 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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What thoughts are behind your anxiety? Do you lack confidence and self-esteem? Do you put yourself down and constantly doubt yourself in these situations?
If so, changing certain things could definitely help you with these thoughts.
Are you seeing a psychologist? CBT definitely had some effect in helping me deal with these kind of thoughts when they would constantly be there in any social environment creating anxiety and limiting my social potential to being pretty shit.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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yeh i do all that stuff.. have heard good things about CBT (was that the only thing you tried?) i still haven't seen a psyche yet but have *intended* to for ages (even my mum is on my case to do it).. do you feel you have markedly improved with social anxiety? do you feel freer to do more stuff or the same but just more comfortable?
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19294790 - 12/18/13 07:20 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I saw a psychologist who did some sort of mix of mindfulness and CBT and yes my anxiety significantly decreased over this time. That said, I saw her for about a year and a half and there were other events that likely played a role like moving out of home (and away from unmotivated stoner friends) and ending a self-defeating relationship with my ex (her decision actually but I see this having been a positive).
Weed was never any good for my mood/anxiety anyway, cutting down on that has only improved my quality of life and I can still occasionally indulge.
Quote:
do you feel freer to do more stuff or the same but just more comfortable?
Both. Though not by miles; it's been a slow but steady process and I'm by no means anxiety free
You should definitely see a psych dude, I don't imagine it will make things any worse and there's a good chance it will help. Also consider looking in to mindfulness exercises and meditation because that's something you could start right away.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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cool thx for sharing birdland 
i also have (somewhat) distanced myself from a bunch of friends who have been a bad influence..
i seem to struggle to find the resolve to see a psyche for whatever reason.. i guess i feel a bit suspicious of it... you're right tho it shouldn't do any harm and maybe i have stuff to talk about.. (i have definitely imagined myself talking with one before lol :P)
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (12/18/13 09:15 PM)
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Spacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19295841 - 12/18/13 11:50 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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From my short experience on the planet I can say: fuck psychologists. Not that there's anything wrong with them WHEN NEEDED, but a lot of straight up lazy people will just go pay exorbitant fees because they can't be bothered to google shit.
Shroom out. Go to a festival. Get laid a few times. Build a business following a passion you have. Go out chop some wood and make a fire. Any number of things MIGHT help, and we don't know because people run to shrinks before trying, failing to realize that X sessions with a shrink = a vacation to Mexico you haven't taken, skydiving jumps not done, psychedelics not added to your stash.
Shroom out OP, Aya out, Cactus out as well. Pack for a festival. Show up at a ceremony. All of these will get your head straight far better than sitting your ass on a couch talking.
The thoughts that come next to the anxiety are irrelevant. I remember spending YEARS feeling like shit, over-analyzing my thoughts in my head to no end. It was all useless and didn't help one bit. My real actual problem at the time was being a virgin, not socializing, not following any passion that comes straight from the heart. Fuck the thoughts. Go outside, try 20 new things and see which one you respond to, with sincere fascination, passion and euphoria. Or in short, rock out with your cock out
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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so space did you see a dramatic change in yourself? how did it happen/how quick did it happen (slow gradual change or sharp awakening)?
do you feel like a different person now or do you still associate with your old self.. (how old are you?)
my dad always tells me to get out and just try stuff but the fact is I have tried quite a lot of things imo, probably more than he has, and often i just feel uncomfortable.. i don't feel I have any real underlying passion or desire in my life, most things i do out of obligation or necessity or i'm killin time
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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I've never had aya or mescaline but shrooms definitely have the best antidepressant effect of any drug I've tried. They don't seem to work in that way for a lot of people though it seems.
Quote:
The thoughts that come next to the anxiety are irrelevant.
I'd advice anyone take anything I have to say about mental health with a grain of salt but I strongly disagree here. The thoughts that coincide with different anxieties are often what are causing that anxiety. And if not they can at least give good insights in to what is causing it. (eg. unconsciously associating with past experiences)
I like your emphasis on getting out there and doing different activities though. Bringing in more pleasurable activities and moving away from dull and/or unpleasant experiences 
Also quin, are you getting some heavy exercise in a couple of times a week? Not only does this help with many things such as dealing with stress and sleeping but it endogenously lifts your mood with endorphins (which I'm sure you know, so if you're not already, GET ON IT!)
Edited by birdland (12/19/13 04:33 AM)
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Spacerific
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@birdland: When I was a tense annoyed virgin, I thought I was worried about school, about noisy neighbors, about Monsanto polluting the planet, about Christianity not being real or this or that facet of human society being pointless.
What my REAL problem was, was the fact that my dick wasn't getting wet. And I know this because as soon as I went and did the deed, I was chill, didn't give a fuck about irrelevant stuff that doesn't concern me, and I was literally amazed at how misguided I was before. Same when you smoke a lil weed, and it hits you: WHOA! Me feeling tense had NOTHING to do with what X said about me. It had EVERYTHING to do with me being all in my head too much. But you only realize this in hindsight. That you were misguided, that what you tried to solve in your head, was actually to be solved outside. By inhaling, injesting, getting laid, etc.
The real causes of feeling shitty are likely to be an inactive lifestyle, not enough sunlight, not enough mouth and vagina on your dick, tits in your face, omega 3 and   in your diet.
@OP - for me the change was quite drastic, I do feel like a different person. I went from tense uptight nerd to quite chill hippie, most of the time. At the very least I KNOW what the game is, even though I don't play it right 100% of the time. At least I don't think it's my mom or my govt making me depressed, it's me, my actions, my lack of vitamins/minerals/exercise/getting laid or getting good trips.
This was after going to the NEtherlands, hitting shrooms, aya, then later having my first acid trip at a large psy festival. No comparison, before and after.
You decide your own level of involvement. If you've really had enough of apathy, resolve to show up at Burning Man or some other great festival this next year. Or pilgrimage of equal or greater emotional value.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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I'm glad you're doing so well now dude. You seem like a happy and motivated guy and I like the art you make too 
Loosing my virginity did very little to curb my depression. Cannabis did very little to curb my depression and after a couple of years just ended up compounding it.
One thing that helped me A LOT was realising my anxiety in social situations was being caused by almost always the same thoughts. Thoughts like "what if I sound weird if I say that?", "what if these people don't like me?", "am I being weird right now?", etc. Doubt and lacking confidence. When I logically go through these thoughts after the fact - No I 99% wasn't being weird in any particular way, if they don't like me that's not my problem I have good people who do - my concerns were almost always unfounded so I can learn to dismiss them and return to the moment (refocus; come out of my head). This can be done in real time too.
That's something that did help me.
My first acid trip was at a psy festival and that was a great experience. I attend as many of these as I can now 
My first heavy mushroom trip at home was an incredible experience but a couple of weeks later my mind had reverted back to old mental habits.
Anyway I just wanted to share my own experience since it's a bit different to yours and I'm not dismissing anything you have to say.
Ultimately my problem was also Quote:
EVERYTHING to do with me being all in my head too much.
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Anonymous #1
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Nah don't do shrooms that's bad advice
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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some good advice there... i have been keeping 'healthy' running and walking regularly, nothing strenuous though, no dieting or anythin..
lol my dad is a crazy exercise freak and my mum is a dietitian so i guess my rebellion is being lazy and eating whatever :S
i think the point that you brought up birdland is interesting (because it is relevant to me )
i can totally see myself like early spacerific and my general anxieties as just a straw house made of irrational thoughts that can be blown away by being more socially active and having sex with people..
on the other hand i dont like the idea of just ignoring my thoughts.. and i also dont like feeling guilty for having them or that they are something i need to be rid of. i think seeing a psyche could be beneficial.. just need to stop hesitating and do it already..
cheers for the contributions and merry christmas
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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brokentv

Registered: 03/02/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19328557 - 12/26/13 12:04 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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This video might be worth a watch to you, it's encouraging. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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good on that dude 
idk if i am a hard case noobie as my circumstances are good and my family could not be better.. it is possible i am just weak and/or a jerk and/or have had a well placed bit of bad luck amidst the mostly overwhelming good luck that just undid me.. it's hard for me to gauge.. I am unhappy and low functioning like the ppl he described but not bad enough to be unable to get by.. i actually think my ability to hide it well has been a terrible thing.. I feel like i am suspended in a dull nowhere land and have been for a long time.. maybe I am on the way to being a successful internet troll hmm
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19340326 - 12/29/13 05:27 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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i also found it interesting that he was critical of the people who have accepted their deplorable condition to the point that they don't care anymore.. imo those people aren't necessarily bad and may have a dark but not not necessarily uncaring or unnurturing perspective
i feel from their perspective why should they put any more effort into their life than others do and if they are weirdos so what that's who they are..
i feel like the guy in the video's narrative was one of returning to normality, regular sex and reintegration but none of those things are necessary to becoming a high functioning person, all you need are (imo) the few people you understand and care for and personal values that allow you to navigate the world and act in it successfully
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
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Loc: Building 7
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19340518 - 12/29/13 07:10 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: i also found it interesting that he was critical of the people who have accepted their deplorable condition to the point that they don't care anymore.. imo those people aren't necessarily bad and may have a dark but not not necessarily uncaring or unnurturing perspective
i feel from their perspective why should they put any more effort into their life than others do and if they are weirdos so what that's who they are..
i feel like the guy in the video's narrative was one of returning to normality, regular sex and reintegration but none of those things are necessary to becoming a high functioning person, all you need are (imo) the few people you understand and care for and personal values that allow you to navigate the world and act in it successfully
Why they should put more effort into their life than others do, is because it's their life. Letting others care for you may not really be what is needed for change.
Anxiety is what you make it. Don't embrace it. If you can just relax and watch the world, instead of trying so hard to change yourself, that may help.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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thanks dood, tis true.. seems not much more can be said on the matter as satisfaciton, desire etc are subjective things (imo) & i guess that you need to struggle for them and can never have the certainty that you are doing the completely right thing but only that you are doing the best you can as far as you know and understand in yourself.. maaan life is so fricken weird.
(ps - thank god you didnt post Bon Jovi's - 'It's My Life' or i would have had to leave this thread and never return)
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
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Loc: Building 7
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19345150 - 12/30/13 06:17 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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quinn said: thanks dood, tis true.. seems not much more can be said on the matter as satisfaciton, desire etc are subjective things (imo) & i guess that you need to struggle for them and can never have the certainty that you are doing the completely right thing but only that you are doing the best you can as far as you know and understand in yourself.. maaan life is so fricken weird.
(ps - thank god you didnt post Bon Jovi's - 'It's My Life' or i would have had to leave this thread and never return)
Desire.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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i desire anna much more than bonno 
i dont feel like i desire much in my life atm.. just eat & shit & shit... hopefully i can get some decent mdma tomorrow for new years tho
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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brokentv

Registered: 03/02/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19345964 - 12/30/13 11:49 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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quinn said: i also found it interesting that he was critical of the people who have accepted their deplorable condition to the point that they don't care anymore.. imo those people aren't necessarily bad and may have a dark but not not necessarily uncaring or unnurturing perspective
i feel from their perspective why should they put any more effort into their life than others do and if they are weirdos so what that's who they are..
i feel like the guy in the video's narrative was one of returning to normality, regular sex and reintegration but none of those things are necessary to becoming a high functioning person, all you need are (imo) the few people you understand and care for and personal values that allow you to navigate the world and act in it successfully
Yeah I see what you mean. I just though his over all idea was pretty cool about building yourself up.
Also look into this book called Awaken The Giant Within! It goes into depth about some what Spacerific is talking about. It doesn't so much tell you what to do but rather how to do it. Basically a guide to living up to your true potential.
Edited by brokentv (12/30/13 11:55 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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WHY AM I SO AWKWARD

seriously it's like i seem good and normalish but then become so awkward it's unbearable *breathes heavily*
ok im ok
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19425338 - 01/15/14 10:35 PM (10 years, 15 days ago) |
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ooohhh i think i get it now.. it's because i am inconsiderate and say stoopid shit especially when i am nervous
of course
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19451393 - 01/21/14 04:40 AM (10 years, 10 days ago) |
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no wait it's because i am a moron and generally have no idea what's going on, what ppl are talking about or how i fit in.. yep i that's prob it
i feel there is something very wrong with me and it scares me and i don't like it at all
why am i so humorless.. why can't i have any fun?? why the paranoia and distance and politeness?.. wtf.. am i stuck like this? closed? no passion or love? sure looks like it.. is this me?
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19451399 - 01/21/14 04:44 AM (10 years, 10 days ago) |
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You always struck me as having a good sense of humour quinn
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Have you been leading me on this whole time!?
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks dude.. i do try on the internets 
irl i dont say much or participate much in conversations and i do dumb stuff like losing my car last night which all makes me feel very incompetent..
i have a strong temptation to riff about how crap i am but it's pretty useless and just turns into a sob story so w/e i'll be right (i hope) and when im not i will come here to whine
Edited by quinn (01/21/14 06:07 PM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19532036 - 02/06/14 06:09 PM (9 years, 11 months ago) |
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ah.. my old self indulgent thread..
developments:
i have the day off and am trying to book a psych but i find making this decision unrealistically difficult.
i called a psych and she said hi and i was like she sounds like one of my mum's friends who is a psychologist and also she is south african and i immediately hung up.
now i can't call her back for at least a day so she blames the prank call on one of her other crazies.
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19539808 - 02/08/14 01:42 PM (9 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm sure she's experienced much worse.
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full blown human
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thedirtymac


Registered: 08/11/08
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Loc: PNW
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I used to be really anxious around people, but then I got to really know myself. Go for long walks, give yourself physical and mental challenges. After I took up yoga, hiking and focused myself on my education and started making small achievements, I felt a lot better. Make goals for yourself and fulfill them, personal achievements help build confidence.
Stay positive, it makes a world of difference.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thx, thx guys 
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19543013 - 02/09/14 09:19 AM (9 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: ah.. my old self indulgent thread..
developments:
i have the day off and am trying to book a psych but i find making this decision unrealistically difficult.
i called a psych and she said hi and i was like she sounds like one of my mum's friends who is a psychologist and also she is south african and i immediately hung up.
now i can't call her back for at least a day so she blames the prank call on one of her other crazies.
I think you should call her five more times, and keep hanging up. Then on the sixth try four days later, go about setting up the appointment like you never called before. When she says "were you the one who kept hanging up"? you reply "yes maam, I have a lot of hang ups. Then hang up one last time, and never call back, and never call another psych doctor.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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SoundScape
Gutter-Rat Rag


Registered: 08/02/11
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Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Quote:
LunarEclipse said:
Quote:
quinn said: ah.. my old self indulgent thread..
developments:
i have the day off and am trying to book a psych but i find making this decision unrealistically difficult.
i called a psych and she said hi and i was like she sounds like one of my mum's friends who is a psychologist and also she is south african and i immediately hung up.
now i can't call her back for at least a day so she blames the prank call on one of her other crazies.
I think you should call her five more times, and keep hanging up. Then on the sixth try four days later, go about setting up the appointment like you never called before. When she says "were you the one who kept hanging up"? you reply "yes maam, I have a lot of hang ups. Then hang up one last time, and never call back, and never call another psych doctor.
^Actually quite solid advice here. Psych meds are usually trouble from what I've seen. Very few people that are diagnosed with whatever condition calls for psych meds actually improve with them, most people feel "normal" for a while but the negatives far outweigh the positives in most cases. The absolute best thing you can do in your situation happens to also be the hardest, that is to spend time with yourself figuring out out why you feel the way you do, what, if there's anything specific, causes it, and how you can make changes to slowly cure yourself through your own willpower.
It feels goddamned impossible most of the time, I know it all too well from my problems, but it truly is the best way to fix yourself. I don't believe it's healthy to rely on drugs to function if there's even a slight chance of another method to cure your ills. I've been offered every antidepressant, antipsychotic, etc that's out these days and refused them every time because I honestly believe I can help myself better than any drug that a psychiatrist could write me a prescription for. Every day is a struggle just to keep enough energy and passion to keep fighting my bullshit, but every day I thank myself for not subjecting my head to chemicals that would essentially destroy my capacity to feel so terrible. SSRIs and all that shit scare me far more than any depression and anxiety I have, I'm in a suggestive enough mental state as it is that I have no business taking pills that could either eliminate my depression or cause me to become suicidal. Not a risk I'm willing to take.
The most important thing to remember is that there's no pill in the fucking world that will fix something in your mind permanently. Opiates don't kill pain, they just make it less prominent, benzos don't fix anxiety disorders, they just diminish the impact. Whatever you decide to do medically, just keep in mind that anything positive you get out of a drug has to be payed back in one way or another.
-------------------- .....And this is my music: https://www.youtube.com/user/MDS13Droog
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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lol Lunar 
good advices..
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (02/09/14 07:37 PM)
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