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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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nice post thanks for the input and sharing your experiences.. i didn't bring any girls home to my place actually
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19042919 - 10/27/13 09:42 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: nice post thanks for the input and sharing your experiences.. i didn't bring any girls home to my place actually
same here initially, and since I didn't use the extra freedom that comes with having one's own place, I didn't get any of the benefits.
being able to walk around naked after a night with a nice girl, the carefree breakfast, watching some show or other still naked on the bed, it's the kind of thing you can't do at home with the parents lurking on hallways, and furthermore you're a lot less likely to bring random girls there, as your mind isn't in that mode.
hope I'm not projecting too much, I'm actually in a similar situation right now, and FUCK in some ways it's worse than prison.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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well it's been a week & i still feel pretty much like this cartoon https://twitter.com/tao_lin/status/391026029672034305/photo/1
thinking about my life hurts my head
i am trying to make small changes but it is hard for me to sustain them (as my history has proven). it is hard for me to focus without running into something that sets me off on cycles of negative anxiety driven thoughts..
my hang ups seem to be a major obstruction to sustained change or feeling in control, but i cant see any obvious way to deal with them..
my social anxiety seems bad, not being able to feel open with people makes me feel very fake most of the time.. i think it is quite possible my unhappiness is founded on some real resolvable irrational thoughts.. or it may just be a function of irrational thoughts being left for too long, getting out of hand, so that even once you recognize them you are left with a labyrinth of negative behaviors and coping strategies...
idk
anyway i still havent seen psychologist yet but would like to and will let y'all know how it goes when i do.. im not expecting the clouds to part and sun to shine down but who knows
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 2
#19078263 - 11/03/13 01:00 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Mate I'll give you my insights on how this stuff works for me, if anything rings true to you feel free to apply it over there as well.
Irrational thoughts, fears, etc. These are indeed real in the sense that they do happen in my head. As for the reason, I've found that 100% of the time they are due to not enough skin contact, not enough sleep & exercise (read sweating until you hit endorphins) and being surrounded with 0 people that truly share my interests. THis means psychedelics, audiobooks of this or that kind, my specific kind of retarded jokes, etc.
In other words, if all the people I hang around are mainstreamers and clearheads that I'm not fucking, I will generally start to close in, spend too much time alone indoors and this gets the mental shitstorm started:
Popular thoughts include: - I'm not good enough. - Why do I suck so bad - Why can't I do this or that - Why can't I X - Why can't I change? - Damn, I was so stupid in situation X, I should have done action Y instead - Damn, I was so stupid in situation X, I should have done action Z instead - Damn, I was so stupid in situation X, I should have done action Q instead, omg that was so stupid of me, retarded  - How long will this river of shit that is my life continue like this? - OMG this shit will never end. FML.
Then there's the "I'll Nevers" : - OMG I'll never get a girl again. Fuck shit OMFG this is terrible. - OMG I'll never get in great shape. Fuck shit OMFG this is terrible I can't believe this is happening why is this happening. - OMG I'll never move out on my own again. Fuck shit OMFG this is terrible. Obviously I'll never get any pussy again, oh fuck this sucks total balls god dammit boo hoo (feel down all day)
Basically there will be this pattern of "Why can't I" , "I'll Nevers" or "OMG I'm so stupid why did I ..." that just go on and on in a loop making me feel shitty as fuck. I've successfully spent months and ever YEARS in this state, so yay me.
How to stop: Surprisingly easy, it turns out, though when you're in the middle of it, absolutely it appears improbable to downright impossible.
You need to do certain things, all of which may be hard but doable.
- Run or walk outside every morning for a month. Have music with you on your mp3 player as that increases your speed and range and mood and you give less of a fuck about everything around you, and enjoy the birds and trees way beter. - Get your PUA skills back in order (or learn some now if you never studied this before, there's no way around it) and after some hours of material (audio or video), get outside start meeting girls. By some hours I mean at least 10, but feel free to go for 40-50. That's hours of listening, one material or several different ones. You'll probably have to go through several rejections before anything actually works, and that poses a problem. As you may know when OK people get rejected it's no biggie, you have 5 areas of your life that work and one that doesn't, you can just brush it off. If depressed, you may have 0 areas of your life that work, and so when rejected in this one thing you're trying to get right, it's almost worth an immediate suicide, that's the feeling of it. The solution is to get 2-3 areas of life working, BEFORE starting with the girls, so that you have a bit of a thick skin for the rejections. Exercising is one of the cheapest do start this with, and a stronger body will give you a thicker mental skin for rejections as well.
- Find people with shared interests. If that's psychedelics, then you need people who know about this and are interested in talking about them, tripping together etc. You'll find you don't need to act fake around them, if you have a genuine shared interest. All the people that you don't have this with, you may instinctively start to not offer your genuine views, just to please them and try to form some type of human bond, which obviously is fake and feels fake for both parties involved and you'll feel shitty afterwards. It's like you sending yourself the message that your real self isn't good enough, and that's why you need to present a fake mask to others. To break this, find people you KNOW to have similar interests, that genuinely like the real you, as a fellow tripper, or whatever the shared interest.
- When you have your at least 1 real friend with a shared interest AND are involved with at least one girl, I am quite confident 90% or more of your negative thoughts will vanish. I've seen this happen several times, so I've had time to check what works what doesn't.
I would say most of this stuff a therapist won't be able to do for you, just remind you to do it, which I've done here already (for free). Many other people over on youtube have done it, just listen to it there in spoken/video form, as it will sink in better, and also for free. Get into self improvement type material. Find the kind you like.
Unless you have your therapy session on a treadmill (which IMO should be the norm) I suspect it will make your therapist quite happy, as progress will be slow, relapses many, and so you'll have to come back for a long LONG time, allowing him to buy that house he always wanted.
If you feel like it, check out this here checklist:
The kind of material you watch, read and listen to. Also what's on your mp3 player. See how much is: * exercise videos - Yoga sessions, Pavel Tsatsouline awesome stuff, Navy Seal this or that kinda training, whatever your fave kind of workout may be * exercise music, that you actually use for exercising * self improvement material - Audiobooks, Lectures, Seminars, Hypnosis sessions, Guided meditations * standup comedy, comedies, things to give you good vibes and good convo starters
How you spend your time * exercising * learning / trying out PUA skills out there in the city * learning your other kinds of material
Who you spend time with * Your coach or training partner, working out * Your trippy friend, tripping or talking about previous awesome trips, or planning new ones * Your wingman, talking PUA skills or being out there in the field chasing and landing fresh pussy * Your regular friends, having a general blast somewhere * Your girl, or when you don't have one, any girl
Where you spend your time - At your friends' house - Your 2-3 favorite girl pickup locations - Your fave places to exercise (outside, different than at home) - Others that apply. If 90% or more of your time is only home and at work/school, you're in trouble. If it's just at home, you're in super trouble, think about diversifying FAST. Like buy ANY martial arts dojo membership, yoga class membership, dance, any sport whatsoever, just to get you outside and moving.
Do the math how much a therapist session would buy you, in terms of outside time with others, doing something active. And obviously club memberships come with intrinsic shared interests, as in, you can talk Yoga with the Yoga friends, martial arts with the martial arts friends, you can talk dance with the dance girls, etc, giving you some actual life improvements from your money, potentially real friends. Money spent on a therapist will IMO not give you anything of the sort, you'll just have a therapist you pay for, and one hour of therapy will IMO give you less insights than 3-4 hours of good audiobooks and seminars and lectures from your player.
There would be amazing money if a guy would offer as a paid service, just him taking the client around on his healthy lifestyle for a month, demonstrating step by step how it's done and implemented. Around to his gym or park exercising, be your wingman for a few Fridays, share with you his PUA material playlist from the early days, the whole enchilada of how to go through a functional lifestyle. Some life coaches may probably go into this, but I don't know of anybody offering a full Nerd-B-Gone program 
That's my 2 cents, sorry for the long post, hope some of this helps. Good vibes, be all that you can be 
Oh and final edit, I can't believe I forgot this, obviously go to events like Burning Man this year, no therapist is worth paying for, out of your psy festival money
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
Edited by Spacerific (11/03/13 01:24 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks space..ive read about half of it so far and it seems like a real honest, insightful and thorough response 
i totally relate to a lot of it as well..
it is strange, guys, today has been the best and most positive seeming day ive had in a while, i felt able to talk to people not in any obviously different fashion but less fearful and felt genuinely open on several occasions. this is really good for me although i have no idea why or how it happened anyhoo
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19084338 - 11/04/13 07:03 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Glad to hear you're having a good day!
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full blown human
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19084399 - 11/04/13 07:50 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm sorry to hear you've been having troubles quinn. Well I'm not sorry myself but I feel you, you know.
I remember you made a similar thread earlier this year, so I take it things haven't improved a great deal? I have to agree with space on the moving out of home suggestion.
I have my share of neuroses and was on and off in heavy depression up until I moved out this year. I had a hunch it would help things for me so I went with it despite the financial struggles and other commitments being a full time student living out of home but hey I'm glad I did it!
Social anxiety can be awful. I've got no advice for you there really since I'm probably just as anxious as you most of the time 
Anyway I like you man, I'm glad you're doing better today
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Endure
The Anal Demon



Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19085299 - 11/04/13 01:01 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: i feel like i am just willing my life away...
i have cut myself off from all i loved and interested me over the last decade... and if i ever revisit them i am faced with the ugly confrontation of what could have been.
i feel lamed and dumb. i feel embarrassed by myself. i feel non adult. i have ruined a good and highly priveleged life over nothing. i feel disgusted that people are nice to me at all... and they are. i feel disgusted with thoughts that seep into my brain like silent farts in tracksuit-pants.
i feel like i have poor self awareness. that i am crass, irritable... easily taken on a whim.. have a poor grip of reality. and i feel guilty for people assuming the best in me.
i feel like i have not had a close friend since junior school. that i have not had a lengthy conversation for years. my moods are erratic. just this morning i skipped work, looked briefly for a psychologist, then abandoned that because i felt on top of the world, then got hung up on something my sister said over lunch, then came home and felt positive until some words with with my mother.. and now this.
it just seems hopeless. i have social anxiety, cant get close to anyone, cant speak to a group of more than two people... the other day at work they had a lunch and felt my awkward presence and felt my face actually seizing up to the point where i had to sip endlessly on my tea so that noone would notice...
i hate those moments more than anything. i feel so impotent in my life. i cant help myself and am not qualified to help anyone else.. i feel that the people i love or admire would only suffer if i tried to be a part of their lives.
/vent for now im gonna go drink some tea
i have a very simliar problem, i used to get so insecure that i would be focusing on how i walked, talked, acted, how my face expression looked every second of the day. but im young, i was not always like this i used to be 'the talk' all the time with my highschool buddies, i started smoking weed and my denial and things went downhill. personally i think you should see a therapist, you'll probably feel different ina couple of months and alot more confident.
if its one thing, the awkward silence makes for great lyrics though.
but anyways, i was also in denial about some things in my life which was stopping me from not worrying about what people think of me, in my case it was a sexual one, its like after highschool my hormones which allowed me to fuck girls wasnt there no more but it was for guys, an essentially this made me not accepting of my own self, which is a scary feelin and it sounds like your going through it too...
ive also gained some weight, went from 165 with 130lb muscle to 200lb 30percent fat and loss of alot of muscle due to the depression i was in but now im taking strides to losing weight and eatin under a calorie maintenance program, its working, and i look/feel better. sometimes i feel like shit but compared to where i was a couple of months ago things are looking a fuckload better.
-------------------- Im only aloud to post once an hour. Because 'Sell Your Soul' doesn't like me. so if I am responding to you, that means you are above of the utmost importance
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thanks dudes/dudettes.  @birdland right you are man, I feel this has been ongoing for a long while.. i know life will always be painful to an extent but i can't help wonder if there is more i can do... today was pretty cray for me, my mood went from up, to my mum chiding me and me almost bursting into tears on the train, to me accidentally deleting work's google analytics account to me walking home listlessly and thinking xfrockian things about what 'i know' e.g. i am on a street, that is a wall, that person has a serious face etc etc (this actually was good i think and i might continue doing it). then me feeling utterly despondent around my grandmother & then i went to an amazing good/sad film and now i feel pretty good again
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
Edited by quinn (11/05/13 07:00 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: Endure]
#19088809 - 11/05/13 06:43 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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thanks endure. that sounds horribly similar to me, actually .. idk if a lack of sex drive is due to just general anxiety, irrational thoughts or im just not at that stage (even tho I'm 24).. i also feel resistance like it shouldn't matter.. but it does seem to effect relations (or maybe i let its effect bother me?).. for a long while I've felt i can't really connect with most guys on some level.. may end up pming you.. thanks for dropping in y'all!
Edited by quinn (11/05/13 06:56 AM)
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19089064 - 11/05/13 08:42 AM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
thinking xfrockian things
That's too funny, man. I feel so cool I understand that reference.
I know you're getting a lot of info thrown your way (even good info can be overwhelming when it's come in tidal wave quantities). Maybe you should try meeting one goal in a month's time and then, after mastering that skill, incorporate another goal. IMHO, exercise would be my first priority (and it looks like the Journal of Psychiatric Practice agrees with me). 45-60 minutes, 3-5 days a week is what is recommended. You can even break it up (15 minutes at a time) & still reap benefits. You don't have to drop & push up 100 times, either - walking is exercise.
--------------------
full blown human
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Endure
The Anal Demon



Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19091605 - 11/05/13 06:26 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: thanks endure. that sounds horribly similar to me, actually .. idk if a lack of sex drive is due to just general anxiety, irrational thoughts or im just not at that stage (even tho I'm 24).. i also feel resistance like it shouldn't matter.. but it does seem to effect relations (or maybe i let its effect bother me?).. for a long while I've felt i can't really connect with most guys on some level.. may end up pming you.. thanks for dropping in y'all!
yeah, ive lost my ability to connect with alot of dudes too and females honestly, (given its getting slowly better since ive accepted my situation) its like my entire self is changing, its kinda of weird, used to be super depressing, still is at times, so i just write lyrics to cope n become a little more desensitized to it all. feel free to pm me.
Edited by Endure (11/05/13 06:32 PM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: *vent [Re: Endure]
#19110934 - 11/09/13 03:51 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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appreciate the input earlier peeps .. i feel this thread has been helpful and has been a good place to vent. my week has gone pretty well thinking just about objects directly around me seems to have helped me ground my thoughts when im feeling shitty ... last night was a bit of a slip in that i knowingly drank & smoked and also i chose not to see the people i really like seeing because.. no good reasons really. 
well actually after some thought there is good reason. it's something like, my lack of contribution in social situations makes me feel super bad when im around cool people who have funny, good natured, interesting discussions! so last night i chose to hang around with my semi delinquent friends instead..
one of the lowest and lolest moments of my life was after a party (with the cool interesting ppl who i cant interact with) when i left with my bottle of cheap wine and sat alone in a dark nook in the city (which was probably a a prime pissing/vomiting area on reflection) and drank the whole bottle of wine sobbing. man that was retarded
anyhoo. have a good day all
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Endure
The Anal Demon



Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19110950 - 11/09/13 03:56 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: appreciate the input earlier peeps .. i feel this thread has been helpful and has been a good place to vent. my week has gone pretty well thinking just about objects directly around me seems to have helped me ground my thoughts when im feeling shitty ... last night was a bit of a slip in that i knowingly drank & smoked and also i chose not to see the people i really like seeing because.. no good reasons really. 
well actually after some thought there is good reason. it's something like, my lack of contribution in social situations makes me feel super bad when im around cool people who have funny, good natured, interesting discussions! so last night i chose to hang around with my semi delinquent friends instead..
one of the lowest and lolest moments of my life was after a party (with the cool interesting ppl who i cant interact with) when i left with my bottle of cheap wine and sat alone in a dark nook in the city (which was probably a a prime pissing/vomiting area on reflection) and drank the whole bottle of wine sobbing. man that was retarded
anyhoo. have a good day all
yeah ive smoked weed before and decided to chill with certain people over others because my energy when i smoke is next to none
-------------------- Im only aloud to post once an hour. Because 'Sell Your Soul' doesn't like me. so if I am responding to you, that means you are above of the utmost importance
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 4,923
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] 1
#19111228 - 11/09/13 05:16 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: one of the lowest and lolest moments of my life was after a party (with the cool interesting ppl who i cant interact with) when i left with my bottle of cheap wine and sat alone in a dark nook in the city (which was probably a a prime pissing/vomiting area on reflection) and drank the whole bottle of wine sobbing. man that was retarded
anyhoo. have a good day all
Don't think you're alone man, save for the alcohol bottle I've been exactly there about 2 months ago. Sobbing alone like a fat girl out of icecream. Holy smokes, I mean I should have filmed it, I could have been an actor with drama like that Shit happens. Our brain can only take so much crap (real or imagined) before we simply go fuck it 
I'm still feeling a bit weird about that day, I wish I could have handled it better, don't be so hard on myself and all that, but it is what it is. Had I been smarter, I would have been smarter. Would have been a different guy, different universe. We don't live there, we live in this one. So in this one, let's try to take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, one flower and one fuck-up at a time. The universe will go where it needs to go, I doubt there's much stopping it.
Look on the bright side, you got that evening out of the way, it is now done. So is my fucked up evening 2 months ago. We fucked up, we survived, as long as we're breathing we can still make some awesome shit happen, potentially. Watch some nice videos and read threads about people losing limbs, contracting flesh eating diseases, being raped and getting HIV and mauled by wild animals and killed and maimed and ruined in any number of violent ways, and having their lives so thoroughly fucked up, that our problems are a lively walk in the park by comparison. Get some Japanese movies, those are fucked up on a whole different level than Hollywood ones.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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I think most of us have been there in some way. There's no need be ashamed or guilty about it, better to move on and try and learn from what happened.
Glad to hear you're week went better quin
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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thx birdland.. thx guys nice to have some fellow losers out there who can relate  
right you are space
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19111910 - 11/09/13 08:09 PM (10 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Glad to hear you're week went better quin 
lol you are week went better
Edited by birdland (11/11/13 07:03 AM)
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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fucking ppl having a good time. they make me feel so bad for not being able to have a good time 
why can't everyone be super miserable so that i can then seem fun loving and cool. what is this shit.
I hate how often I feel like i don't understand what ppl are talking about or what they're insinuating.. I often feel like i am missing something..
I probably am. I can't seem to go to pubs or clubs and enjoy myself, talking to new people and seeming cordial seems almost impossible.. Meeting a girl or something seems impossible and I would really like to feel bitter about all this but it is hard when ppl are just having fun..
My misanthropic cab driver who hates alcohols and the ppl it leads to his service was a bit comforting but really he was way too bitter about it
Anyhoo hmpf
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 4,923
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
#19293558 - 12/18/13 02:22 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
I would really like to feel bitter about all this but it is hard when ppl are just having fun..
A little Freudian slip my good man? 
All I can say is get your arse in gear and get shrooming, as opposed to boozing. I mean are you still chugging down alcohol like it contained some imagined solution to all your troubles? Because if you are, I have yet to see that going well, long term.
Put in a few mush trips, find a few fellow trippers, find one fellow trippy girl and go on a few rides with her, your life will definitely improve and you'll start being able to appreciate stuff differently.
But you have to change something. Change where you live, where you work, how and where you party, who you hang with. You have to change something if you want your inner world to change (and vice versa).
Good vibes mate, be all the colors you can be
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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