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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
*vent
    #19028625 - 10/24/13 10:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i feel like i am just willing my life away...

i have cut myself off from all i loved and interested me over the last decade... and if i ever revisit them i am faced with the ugly confrontation of what could have been.

i feel lamed and dumb. i feel embarrassed by myself. i feel non adult. i have ruined a good and highly priveleged life over nothing. i feel disgusted that people are nice to me at all... and they are. i feel disgusted with thoughts that seep into my brain like silent farts in tracksuit-pants.

i feel like i have poor self awareness. that i am crass, irritable... easily taken on a whim.. have a poor grip of reality. and i feel guilty for people assuming the best in me.

i feel like i have not had a close friend since junior school. that i have not had a lengthy conversation for years. my moods are erratic. just this morning i skipped work, looked briefly for a psychologist, then abandoned that because i felt on top of the world, then got hung up on something my sister said over lunch, then came home and felt positive until some words with with my mother.. and now this.

it just seems hopeless. i have social anxiety, cant get close to anyone, cant speak to a group of more than two people... the other day at work they had a lunch and felt my awkward presence and felt my face actually seizing up to the point where i had to sip endlessly on my tea so that noone would notice...

i hate those moments more than anything. i feel so impotent in my life. i cant help myself and am not qualified to help anyone else.. i feel that the people i love or admire would only suffer if i tried to be a part of their lives.

/vent for now im gonna go drink some tea


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dripping with fantasy


Edited by quinn (10/24/13 10:18 PM)


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InvisiblePenelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic
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Registered: 07/31/09
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19028712 - 10/24/13 10:30 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Dude, you're one of the funnier posters here!! I hate to hear you're beating yourself up over the past. Its the past for a reason. You are worthy of love, flaws & all. I think once you find your footing, you'll be less inclined to trip over other people's words. I suggest starting to meditate, get to know yourself & your reactions. Hope I'm not being presumptuous by offering unsolicited advice.


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full blown human


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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Re: *vent [Re: Penelope_Tree]
    #19028777 - 10/24/13 10:42 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

not at all, thanks Penelope :heart: i literally just cried on my bed after reading that god im such a fucking loser, i appreciate the advice, i feel like i could benefit from a psychologist too to gain some perspective.. thanks for your kind words and support


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dripping with fantasy


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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19028830 - 10/24/13 10:52 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i feel like i never beat myself up enough to really change but do it just enough to be unhappy.. and it leaves me drifting in some useless nowhere land


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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19028999 - 10/24/13 11:40 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

hmm idk i feel a bit less hopeless now idk if I should delete this thread or not... i think i will be ok if i can enjoy my life for the ridiculous neurotic bundle that it is .. and i do enjoy bits of it, and despite all my aforementioned hopelessness there are ppl who i genuinely care for.. it shits me though that i can't let my guard down enough to connect on a deeper level or share my own happiness with them..


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Invisiblequinn
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19029239 - 10/25/13 12:52 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

:nut:


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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19029245 - 10/25/13 12:54 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

im just going to keep posting in this thread until my life has resolved itself don't mind me nothing to see here


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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19029660 - 10/25/13 05:31 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

welp i just had fam dinner and have decided i def need to be institutionalized.. it's been nice knowin y'all :wave:


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dripping with fantasy


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InvisiblePenelope_Tree
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19030079 - 10/25/13 08:50 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

:strokebeard: It sounds like we may belong to the same family.


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19030149 - 10/25/13 09:13 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Mate, are your family all trippy hippies? If so, living with them must be awesome. If however they're more mainstream people, of course they'll think you're a weirdo and give you bad vibes over it. Try to move out, or get them to partake.

For the things you feel, IMO there is a reasonably simple solution: Aya ceremony. Should fix you right up for months, takes one day. Or you could invest in a shrink for the next 5-10 years, see how that works out, but I think it won't work nearly as well.


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Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
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Re: *vent [Re: Spacerific]
    #19030417 - 10/25/13 10:37 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Toga Party.



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Anxiety is what you make it.


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #19032610 - 10/25/13 07:05 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

LunarEclipse said:
Toga Party.





By the gods! This is one of the finest awesomest most usefulest videos I've seen on the shroomery in a LONG time! :thumbup: :wooawesome:


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Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Invisiblequinn
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Re: *vent [Re: Spacerific]
    #19033051 - 10/25/13 08:32 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

yes thank you Lunar for your insightful input






:smile2:


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dripping with fantasy


Edited by quinn (10/25/13 08:51 PM)


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Invisiblequinn
some kinda love
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Re: *vent [Re: Penelope_Tree] * 1
    #19033108 - 10/25/13 08:48 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

nah i think my parents are actually disgustingly nice and accepting of me and good guys, which makes it that much harder >:O

dinner did my head in because it just became so increasingly apparent how shitty my anxiety was and how little i know and how i can't even contribute to normal conversations in an open positive manner.. i had pretty much decided that it is too much when i posted the above..

then i took some vallies and had a very long text convo with my ex in hong kong and felt a bit better

this morning i spent a bunch of time researching psychologists and judging them by their location, their gender, name and what i imagine to be their practice.. then i had a walk with my mum and we had a long convo touching on this stuff and i must say i feel quite a bit better for the moment

about to see some school friends so we'll see how that goes..

thx for reading guys


--------------------
dripping with fantasy


Edited by quinn (10/25/13 10:58 PM)


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] * 2
    #19033772 - 10/25/13 11:53 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

then i took some vallies



:facepalm:

Well since my Aya suggestion has probably fallen on deaf ears, I can only recommend moving out from living with your parents asap. Whether nice or oppressive, living with parents for too long has a way of keeping a guy below his potential as a man, as a leader and adventurer. I've had months and years of living on my own in various cities alternating with coming back home for a while. Without a doubt there's a certain kind of specific adventurous single male initiative that gets turned off, by simply being here. I've had several friends confirm it in their experience as well. If you can move to some other city or even country, that will help with A LOT of those problems.

One exception to this was when I stared art school, I spent most of the day working my asse off in those classes, basically just coming home in the evening to eat and crash in my bed. The rest was out work work work study work some more. Felt awesome. Also felt like I wasn't really living at home, I just had some stuff there.

There's a certain kind of confidence that comes from self-reliance and intense activity. Living with parents is completely undermining all of that. I've had several runs to test this, and even when I was like WHOO! ROCK ON! all empowered and stuff, thinking this will never happen to me ever again, a few months of living at home have me reverting back into a useless unproductive shadow of myself. Not cool.

To put it short living with the folks encourages momma's boy kind of feelings and behaviors, whereas being out on one's own triggers some completely different things into action. YOu actually feel like a different man, made of useful reliable material and with some amount of brass balls for pulling it off, as opposed to staying home telling mommy your troubles. Your mileage may vary, this was my experience. Even as an adult, or maybe especially as an adult, living with folks can seriously undermine the feelings of healthy self-reliance.

Quote:


this morning i spent a bunch of time researching psychologists and judging them by their location, their gender, name and what i imagine to be their practice.. then i had a walk with my mum and we had a long convo touching on this stuff and i must say i feel quite a bit better for the moment




Ok who's to be paying for said psychologists, if you're to end up going to one of em?
If you yourself, by the sweat of your own brow, then good. Awesome. :highfive: and I hope they get you all your money's worth and get you rolling smooth.

If mom & dad, then :hahthatsrich: :goodluckwiththat2:


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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OfflineGrapefruit
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn] * 1
    #19034727 - 10/26/13 09:18 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Similar here man. I accepted that I have failed in most regards. :cool:

It's just the way it is. Why do you expect to be a successful human being? Maybe that's the problem.

I think you are an awesome guy whatever flaws you have privately btw. :thumbup:


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Little left in the way of energy; or the way of love, yet happy to entertain myself playing mental games with the rest of you freaks until the rivers run backwards. 

"Chat your fraff
Chat your fraff
Just chat your fraff
Chat your fraff"


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Invisiblequinn
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Re: *vent [Re: Grapefruit]
    #19038268 - 10/26/13 10:15 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

thanks man that means a lot to me you are a poster i have high regard for

last night went ok, i was able to contribute a bit more than i usually don't :P.. i went with the mindset to try not overanalyze things and try let go of things i usually get hung up on.. the negatives were i still needed a constant beer in my hand and smoked quite a few cigarettes :argh:.. i would like to be more in control of that stuff, but anyway


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Invisiblequinn
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Re: *vent [Re: Spacerific]
    #19038329 - 10/26/13 10:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

thanks for your input spacerific i will respond properly to your post when i have some time later, moving out is something i have considered


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Invisiblequinn
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Re: *vent [Re: Spacerific]
    #19039214 - 10/27/13 02:57 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i wouldnt mind being a bit more 'woo rock on!' lol

i can see benefit in moving out to gain a sense of independence, perspective, throwing you into the world and forcing you into action. i actually did move out at the beginning of the year for a couple of months which was cool but not earth shattering (or economically intelligent really).. altho i made new friends my ongoing issues were still there.. at least at home i have a safe stable environment where i can maybe start exploring myself a bit better.. i mean if i can't be happy here with ppl around who i like and a family that cares for me when will i ever be happy!?... anyway i don't really have a problem with it and don't see it as a mark against my masculinity or w/e altho i am deeply insulted you called me a mommas boy :crankey:


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dripping with fantasy


Edited by quinn (10/27/13 03:05 AM)


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: *vent [Re: quinn]
    #19039710 - 10/27/13 08:39 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

quinn said:
i wouldnt mind being a bit more 'woo rock on!' lol

i can see benefit in moving out to gain a sense of independence, perspective, throwing you into the world and forcing you into action. i actually did move out at the beginning of the year for a couple of months which was cool but not earth shattering (or economically intelligent really).. altho i made new friends my ongoing issues were still there.. at least at home i have a safe stable environment where i can maybe start exploring myself a bit better.. i mean if i can't be happy here with ppl around who i like and a family that cares for me when will i ever be happy!?... anyway i don't really have a problem with it and don't see it as a mark against my masculinity or w/e altho i am deeply insulted you called me a mommas boy :crankey:



I didn't call you a momma's boy, I'm simply stating the facts. Both from personal experience and friends who have lived on their own and then came back for a while with the folks, there's a clear shift in how one feels and acts, completely involuntary. I'll be the first to say it I was a momma's boy for years, it felt terrible, would only wish it on worst enemies.

When I first left for college I also took my issues from home with me. Took a few years of living alone to actually open up. I understand this may not be feasible economically, I'm just saying it's great emotionally, for a man to do as soon as he can and it makes sense.

The starkest contrast came from the psy festivals. I'd go with a tent (or even without one, just a sleeping tent and prayers) some cash, some outdoor gear, awaken with the sun sleep with the stars and spend the days with friends, and I felt the most human that I've ever felt in my life. We had to buy and cook our own food, share it, earn every experience by traveling and navigating our way to it, it was and felt completely awesome. Then came back to a house, where I would appreciate everything for its true awesomeness, from showers to beds to a roof above head, and it also felt like that wild adventurous part was completely smothered. It wasn't there because there was no need for it to be there, nor was there much place for it. I've seen this happen several times and would not recommend it to anybody.

Let me ask you some technical questions about the time when you moved out. How many girls did you bring over and had an awesome time with, at your hard earned place in your own room in your bed, that you had dominion with and could do with as you pleased?

For me, first few years after moving out, I was completely ignorant of girls and women, so I moved out into a lonely excuse for an existence made of porn, gaming and masturbation, depression and insomnia. Fucked up beyond belief. Clearly not the way to do it, in retrospect. I'd say the crazy things that you actually do with your own place, that you wouldn't do at home, that give the extra oomph to your life. And you won't even know what that is until you spend a few months out there.

I hope this clarifies a bit what I meant. So far I've lived in something like 7-8 different places in 3 different cities, and most of them were way better than back at home. What I've found to matter most is travel distance to downtown, or to the nearest parks. The bigger that distance, the shittier the experience for me at least, as it takes out jogging, roller skating, short 10-15 min walks and activities that put you among new people and in a great productive mood. It's all downhill from there, especially if you don't have room mates or a job where you meet a bunch of new people every week.

So that's my 2 cents on this. Ayahuasca ceremony and / or moving out when possible, or at least traveling on your own (say to psy festivals, Burning Man etc) are what helped me most. Also things that you work for yourself, like going through a good self improvement audiobook, the more of those you can get under your hood and implement, the better off you'll be. I used to edit them to 150% speed and listen to them over and over and over, spaced repetition, to really "get" the point of wtf I should be doing and also do it. If money is an issue IMO this might be more feasible than paying through the nose for a shrink. It gives you control of what you accomplish, whatever you improve it's all fully yours, earned with your own head and hands :thumbup:


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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