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bungles23
Stranger
Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 2
Last seen: 9 years, 6 days
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wish it wasnt so hard
#19011396 - 10/21/13 11:30 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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My boyfriend passed away 1 year and 3 months ago and I am still having a hard time moving on and find myself still in denial at times. It was a work accident that he died from so it was all such a huge shock. I had to deal with so much like picking out stuff for the funeral and moving out if our place, we lived together for 1 1/2 years and were together 2 years. I still have everything of his, all of his clothes and little things he owned. I feel like he would hate me if I were to get rid of anything. Also since he has passed I have gotten into a lot of trouble and may even face jail time from drinking all the time trying to numb the pain. Most days I wish I could just be with him and wish something would happen to me so I could be. Somebody once told me if I commited suicide I'd never he able to see my boyfriend again. I would just like some input because I woulf like to slowly start moving on but am not sure how and even if I can.
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kneesocks
Divineress



Registered: 12/25/11
Posts: 870
Loc: Puget Sound/PNW
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: bungles23]
#19011407 - 10/21/13 11:33 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Only time will heal that wound.
-------------------- "An ignorant man is lost, faithless, and filled with self-doubt; A soul that harbors doubt has no joy, not in this world or the next." -Bhagavad-gita 4:40
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Dudits
Tao


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 233
Loc: West coast
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: kneesocks] 4
#19011531 - 10/22/13 12:01 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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It would make him sad to see you living like this. I always tell my wife if I were to die that I would want her to move on and not to waste her life trying to wish me back on earth. I can't begin to understand how hard it must really be, but I can tell you that if you were my girlfriend I wouldn't want you to stop living. I would want you to move on, create new memories, and above all else be happy.
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Beside the Garden


Registered: 06/03/13
Posts: 606
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: kneesocks]
#19011542 - 10/22/13 12:04 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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This sounds horribly difficult. If it does come down to sentencing let the judge know this not the suicide stuff but the pain and what happened.
OK can you rent a storage space? If you can or have a place you can store stuff maybe start putting some of his things there. Think of him in good ways and try your best to not focus on the pain. Your still here your still surviving, by putting his stuff in storage your removing the constant visual reminders and creating a space for healing. If its really hard just start with a few things a week then a box then two box's. You will still have all his stuff, but its time that's why you posted this. Jail, alcohol abuse and suicidal thoughts is not what this man wanted for you, honor him and don't beat yourself up progress is not always constant.
Maybe try an AA meeting and just open up, just dont buy into the cult aspect of it, it is free (could also help with court). Can you see a grief counselor?
                                                                                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                                                                                               
Edit: Oh and welcome to Shroomery 
Edited by Beside the Garden (10/22/13 12:10 AM)
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bungles23
Stranger
Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 2
Last seen: 9 years, 6 days
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I always tell myself he wants me to be happy beacuse I would ask him if he's ever been afraid to die and he said no because he knows he will die having fun. Which he did love his job but I don't think he would consider that fun. And I told him I didn't know what I would do if he died and he said he would want me to be happy. [I asked him that because I'd always hace weird dreams and nightmares]. But now that he's gone I just want to talk to him and have him tell me again. And I have a storage unit right now filled with all of our house furniture and appliances since I can't afford a place a don't have a drivers license due to the trouble I got into. I just feel like I would be a bad person to put any of his clothes or personal belongings away. I also tried to see a grieving counselor and it was helping a little bit but I kept telling myself I only wanted to talk to him and not a counselor. Also I ended up having a $220 bill for 2 sessions and don't want to have to pay that much. Everybody says how strong I am but they don't understand how many nights I cry when I'm alone. Everybody said they eere getting sick of me crying around them so I try to hold it in til I'm alone. And now my parents are bringing up about when ill meet another person and have kids and they don't understand its still going to be a while til I'm ready. Idk if somebody could even accept all of this since I got his name tattooed on my wrist and always talk about him and refer to him as my boyfriend. I know time heals pain but I feel like I can't even build a future for myself. Like I'm stuck in place..
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Beside the Garden


Registered: 06/03/13
Posts: 606
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: bungles23]
#19011713 - 10/22/13 12:52 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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I hear you it makes sense. It does not make you a bad person at all just adaptive, you still have his stuff just not in your face. The tattoo is cool and nice, knowing the background of it any man who would not accept and even appreciate it should kick rocks and grow up (you have a capacity to love). Your parents are just being concerned parents, they see you grieving and that's just how they express it. Try and be understanding that they mean well by you.
Seams like all these different signs are coming at you pushing you to heal and you have resisted, its more than just time it takes effort this is a BIG part of your life how you handle it will be defining.
Everyday make a point to write down what your grateful for and focus on that, while your at it put some thoughts down on paper. Focusing on the good things in your life will make you feel good and that will bring more good things to you.
So good vibe stuff to get un stuck.        
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ch1ck3n.s0up
Troubled Loner



Registered: 10/03/08
Posts: 2,573
Loc: Hunting Fungi
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: bungles23]
#19014560 - 10/22/13 04:43 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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You have to move on... he would want it that way.
If the roles were switched, and you had passed away, wouldn't you want him to move on and find love in this world again?
That being said...

-------------------- "Inspiration ~ Move me brightly ~ light the song with sense and color ~ hold away despair ~ more than this I will not ask ~ faced with mysteries dark and vast ~ statements just seem vain at last" --Jerry Garcia, Terrapin Station "Officer, I'm going to remain silent, and I would like to speak with a lawyer. I'm not resisting, but I don't consent to any searches.
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Synthe
Gatorade me, bitch!



Registered: 11/10/12
Posts: 7,961
Loc: Three bags of Funyuns
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: bungles23]
#19015180 - 10/22/13 06:30 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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This song seemed relevant. 
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Black_Sunset
Amateur Anesthesiologist


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,451
Loc: Somewhere California
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: Synthe]
#19018106 - 10/23/13 09:34 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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You've done enough grieving. I know it's hard to lose someone you love and you will never forget them no matter what you do. It's time to move on with your life; it's what he would want. By surrounding yourself with his stuff, your same house...all these old memories... you're living in the past. The only way to move on is to remove yourself from the sentimental and put yourself in a new life and direction.
You will always have the memories, and over time as you move past this experience you will begin to look back and see the love and beauty that was the time you had together. Take it one day at a time, but right now you need to toss all his stuff, move out, and start some new hobbies. You owe it to yourself to be happy!
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Atrium
Cunt Tickler

Registered: 08/18/13
Posts: 1,284
Last seen: 3 years, 4 months
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Just yesterday I deleted my father's voicemails he sent me about 10-11 months ago. I lost him and my brother about 10 months ago. I moved on partially by being forced in the beginning, then slowly on my terms. Does anyone ever call to see how you're doing or actually seem interested in your well being as opposed to just seeing you sad?
What worked for me (after constantly getting drunk and driving to class, getting high all the time, never going outside) was moving states, getting sober for now about 4 months I'd say, lifting weights and putting my emotion into that, tripping and letting all raw emotion out, working, and a new college to go to. Basically, a very rash move to Arizona with another family we only visited once in spring break. They didn't even come to the funeral, but were of maybe a handful of people who seemed to actually care.
You take the time you need but sitting around making your life worse by drinking is not the way to go.
-------------------- The only thing about Chemistry I like is all the psychedelics that come from it. The only reason I study Psychology is to have a legitimate excuse to enjoy Chemistry.
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shroommonkey
Stranger

Registered: 10/16/13
Posts: 5
Last seen: 10 years, 3 months
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: bungles23]
#19018679 - 10/23/13 10:30 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
bungles23 said: My boyfriend passed away 1 year and 3 months ago and I am still having a hard time moving on and find myself still in denial at times. It was a work accident that he died from so it was all such a huge shock. I had to deal with so much like picking out stuff for the funeral and moving out if our place, we lived together for 1 1/2 years and were together 2 years. I still have everything of his, all of his clothes and little things he owned. I feel like he would hate me if I were to get rid of anything. Also since he has passed I have gotten into a lot of trouble and may even face jail time from drinking all the time trying to numb the pain. Most days I wish I could just be with him and wish something would happen to me so I could be. Somebody once told me if I commited suicide I'd never he able to see my boyfriend again. I would just like some input because I woulf like to slowly start moving on but am not sure how and even if I can.
My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for a few years now. We have actually had talks about what each other would want if something happened to one of us. We both agreed that we would want each other to move on and try to live life to the utmost. I know I can't really understand how you feel because I am not in that particular situation but I think I have some advise you might want/need. I don't mean to offend by this but you will continue to feel this way until can let go of those painful emotions. All the things you still have of his are just heart crushing reminders of what once was. I can understand why someone would think it would be disrespectful to get rid of the things left behind by their love but it doesn't have to be that way. You clearly miss him but he would not want to see you this way. In my relationship, I am with her because I want to make her day better in every way that I can because I love her and care about her. Well let me be the one to tell you, he still loves you. He might not be there in body but your hearts are still tied together. I know that I would not want my girlfriend to feel like this even after death. If I thought she would be miserable after I passed away then I would have not gotten with her to begin with because I want what is best for her and for her to be happy. That does not mean to forget about them and just throw their stuff in a dumpster somewhere. Things can be done in a respectful and loving way that could provide a sort of closure for you and he. I am truly sorry for your loss but don't give up on your life. There are still plenty of other people out there that care about and love you. Friends and family can make all the difference in your life. If you find that no one else out there cares, you have my support and I will be thinking about you.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: wish it wasnt so hard [Re: bungles23]
#19027686 - 10/24/13 07:18 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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i get the impression you believe that death equals nonexistence. turns out nothing could be further from the truth.
have you experienced feelings like you have been left behind? maybe you are mourning your self.
either way, all the best in getting through this process.
if you are open to the idea of channeling, check out what Bashar has to say about life after death:
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The5thElement
Smile Friends :)



Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 4,675
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Your boyfreind would want you to be happy, long story short you have to move on. It will still hurt, and you will still miss him but you have to make an effort to accept that he's gone and that you should spend what time you have left here accomplishing whatever it is that u want.
Life is so strange, something can happen and it takes you far away from where you saw yourself going. So many choices and each one leads you somewhere else. Pick a place you want to be and start making the choices that you think will help you get there.
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