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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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Self-Loathing
#18989371 - 10/17/13 01:44 AM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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I find it interesting that not everyone engages in self-loathing. Its been such a part of who I am for my entire life that I can't imagine what it would be like to live without it.
And its not like I don't see people who I see as worse than me (morally, physically, etc). I had a point in my life where looking in the mirror was like acid to my soul. I would forget to not look in the mirror (they are everywhere and its such instinct to do a double check on yourself) and would actually hiss and put my arm in front of my face or turn away.
I try to fight it everyday because I know its a giant waste of time. Hell, I know that the people I hate at work are a waste of time to hate because I'll have to work with them anyway, and yet I seem to do better with those people than my own self.
And I think theres some logic to it in a way. I mean, if you really love yourself, there is not really any room for improvement, right? When you love somebody, you accept them with their faults and all. But if you do that with yourself, don't you run the risk of stagnating? Only you can control and change yourself, so if you think you are awesome you will continue to be the same.
Idk, does anyone not hate themselves? If you don't, how do you justify it?
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Anonymous #1
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I love myself, although I do make some rather dumb mistakes at times. Live and learn I suppose. Accept yourself! Accept yourself fully and improve whatever you want to improve!
Thinking negatively about yourself..and than doing nothing about it?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Quote:
bloodsheen said:
And I think theres some logic to it in a way. I mean, if you really love yourself, there is not really any room for improvement, right? When you love somebody, you accept them with their faults and all. But if you do that with yourself, don't you run the risk of stagnating? Only you can control and change yourself, so if you think you are awesome you will continue to be the same.
Don't rationalize beating yourself up. It's more detrimental in the long run. Besides, you can focus on your good qualities and still seek to improve them. Hell, you can even acknowledge your "faults" and not make then the pervading quality of your personality.
Quote:
Idk, does anyone not hate themselves? If you don't, how do you justify it?
Having only one emotional perspective is boring.
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full blown human
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Spacerific
- - - >


Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 4,923
Last seen: 8 years, 10 months
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I used to. Probably picked it up from various things in my childhood. Nothing sinister, no purposeful abuse, but things happen, we as kids can misinterpret signals, parents drink sometimes, they're too busy with work to spend any time with us, shit happens. That's life. Bottom line is I ended up doing it, and still do, to a much much lesser extent, and much more rarely.
I'm quite convinced I'll reach a point where it's completely 100% gone for good, replaced with living in the Feeling OK < - > Feeling Awesome range.
THings that helped, and helped a lot:
- learning PUA skills. They're measurable, practical, specific, they force you to stop doing stupid shit, learning smart effective behaviors instead.
- travel. Being self-reliant.
- mushrooms. they hug people 
- girls. skin contact. massages. oil massages, with mint especially.
- salvia. it's so awesome and colorful, that regular retarded thoughts pale in comparison
- acid
- dancing at the main stage, chilling at the chillout area. not alone obviously   
- ayahuasca - I suspect it changed the way I process all other trips, very very good experience if you can get to it 
- self expression. that is, stopping what others (family) wanted me to do, and pursuing what I wanted to do. I switched from ski to snowboard and loved it. I switched to being vegetarian in a family of meat eaters. Switched to pursuing my art in a family of office people. I changed jobs, cities, traveled around when I could, met people I wanted and tripped with them, this all reinforced that yes, my preferences, likes and dislikes matter. They're mine. They are something to learn from, not to suppress and get in line with whatever everybody else is doing. I don't like coffee I like mate and coca leaf as stimulants. I don't like booze I like shrooms and aya, as state changers / pattern makers. The attempt to suppress these natural tendencies and fit in, I think that was a big source of self-loathing and misery.
One thing I have to mention is that I am a very, let's say, non-standard individual, compared to my context. I come from a boring small town, and I could never relate to the stuff people do here. I had my own ideas and tendencies, I couldn't muster much enthusiasm for the local options of work and play, and this always drew some level of dirty looks and disapproval.
After some travels and learning about the world, I now know that it's not me, it's them The traditions here really are limited and mediocre, compared to the psychedelic alternatives. One interpretation is that oh, why can't I be more like all these other people around me, fit in and be good at my cubicle job? Boo hoo I suck. Another is, oh, the hoi polloi don't know shit about the good things in life, and frown upon me knowing them and aspiring to them? Fuck'em, I'm outta here 
There are things that work out there. Generally it's all the things that tribal people have in abundance, that we Westerners don't. One day we'll learn that tall buildings and cars and electronic gizmos don't replace human fellowship, emotional warmth and playful fun. Different people are not to be frowned upon or medicated, but given colors and feathers and drums and bells, to see what they come up with
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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