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AzInoxia
Christ Incarnate



Registered: 06/20/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Arizona
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
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Your not gonna f***in believe this one.
#18970820 - 10/13/13 01:19 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Background first, then my psychoactive experience.
I've been struggling with constant depersonalization and derealization for years, Even before I realized i wasn't like everyone else I would talk to my friends about going on "auto pilot" only to have them look at me like I was insane. I know for sure I remember a time where I didn't feel this way, but It was years ago when I was much younger. If I had to estimate I'd say it all started at about 12 or 13 years old, as I was dealing with a lot of emotional stress at that time in my life.
It's hard to verbalize my mental experiences, as I'm sure it is for most of you. As Normal is only relative to the observer I can only really tell of what apparently abnormal symptoms I've noticed.
I nearly constantly feel detached from the things I see around me. Sometimes when I think about things they take precedence over my sensory input, sometimes so badly that I forget where I am and what is happening around me. When I daydream I become fully immersed in fantasy. When I snap back out of it I always realize that whatever I was thinking wasn't real so I know I'm not schizophrenic. I know where reality resides even If I don't jive well with it.
I commonly have no real depth perception. Everything is basically a flat image. I judge distance based only on the size I feel an object should be relative to my position (If I get closer it gets bigger and vise versa.) and relation to other objects of known distance. Knowing the general size of common objects like vehicles, building, people, and the like I am able to navigate visually quite well. Having so much practice It's a system that actually works quite well for me. (Though I'm an agnostic I must say it seems like evolution at work.)I am however certain that stereo vision doesn't work well for me as I have serious trouble judging the distance of unfamiliar objects.
It being so hard for me to judge distance visually, I have trouble attaching distance to sound as It's hard to reference it against sounds made by things I see at distance. Naturally this leads to severely impaired spatial awareness.
I am able to blend into society pretty well because I have learned how to function with my symptoms. Socially I am highly reclusive, I have a close circle of very dear friends and have very good times with them, but for the most part I just stay at home.
I occasionally have moments where I kind of wake up and feel the world around me, Like I'll suddenly be able to percieve depth. or feel like a part of the moment I inhabit at the time. But soon I'll get lost in thought and end up right back where I was before. A lot of the time this very overwhelming and commonly accompanied with anxiety.
Onto what I experienced several hours ago, I had to run to CVS for my grandmother earlier today. And for some reason I decided to get a bottle of robogells. I have a reasonable amount of experience with psychoactives including dxm. Upon arriving home I munched down the full 300 mg dose.
The peak was uneventfull. Mild confusion, everyone talking in Charlie Brown like wah wah's, and music euphoria. At one point I had the brilliant idea to remake Old Yeller replacing the dog with a dragon. I had the image of the kid standing in front of a big ass dragon foaming at the mouth flash through my head and laughed my ass off. That was about the most eventfull moment of the peak.
On my way down I started doing some little chores around the house. As I reached to pull the clothes from the dryer I suddenly got lost in thought. It was a pretty strong dissociative experience but fairly common for me. Then I snapped out of it.
My jaw dropped as I suddenly felt the full three dimensional space around me. I was fully lucid for the first time in years. I had full perception of depth across my backyard. I could tell where everything was in relation to myself. I could judge how far behind me the walls of our outdoor washroom were based on the echoes of any small sounds I made.
It lasted for about 10 minutes. During which I walked around my house, yard, and garage with a big ass smile on my face. Soon I got lost in thought again, and when I snapped out of it it had greatly diminished, and soon was back to my normal semi-there self I sulked for a while but was quickly just stoked that I had at least got to experience it for as long as I did.
What I am having trouble understanding is how the hell could a dissociative drug could, granted temporarily, reverse my dissociative disorder. I'm not a doctor, but my first hunch is that is caused a depletion or influx of some chemical in my brain.
I have not talked to a psychologist because I fear the loss of my personal freedoms over some convoluted sense of me being dangerous. I have absolutely no violent tendencies, but in this world of fear and sensationalism I don't feel it wise to have a mental disorder put on my record. I also don't want to pay to have someone who has nothing more than a piece of paper saying he has some grasp on something no one really understands getting me strung out on benzos or anti psychotics I don't need, I can do that myself I function just fine anyway.
Just thought I'd share. Anybody have any thoughts on this?
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Ram Dass
Challenger



Registered: 02/08/08
Posts: 693
Loc: 2000 Feet Under the Sea
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: AzInoxia]
#18970846 - 10/13/13 01:32 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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That sounds like a pretty neat experience you had there.
I'm no psychologist or anything, but if you have 2 working eyes on the front of your head, you have the same amount of depth perception that everyone else has. Don't mistake your drug experience for what you think is normal for others.
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AzInoxia
Christ Incarnate



Registered: 06/20/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Arizona
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Ram Dass]
#18970867 - 10/13/13 01:49 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Admittedly I have self diagnosed, I base my diagnosis on my family history, My father has depersonalization disorder, and my grandfather was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities.)
Do a little research on dissociative disorders. The lack of depth perception is actually a pretty common symptom among dissociates. Though I'm not really sure of the mechanism of action on that. Granted I'm not even entirely sure of what "normal" is.
Thanks for the input.
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Ram Dass
Challenger



Registered: 02/08/08
Posts: 693
Loc: 2000 Feet Under the Sea
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: AzInoxia]
#18970926 - 10/13/13 02:19 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Whoa you're right, I've never heard of that before. Thanks for the correction sir. That is truly bizarre that a dissociative would reverse your loss of depth perception.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: AzInoxia]
#18970943 - 10/13/13 02:28 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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What fun.
Sorry about your social anxiety though I know what that's like. Childhood can do you in.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Cyclohexylamine
Turn on, Tune in, Drop out



Registered: 09/08/10
Posts: 14,327
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Icelander]
#18972131 - 10/13/13 01:10 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said: What fun.
Sorry about your social anxiety though I know what that's like. Childhood can do you in. 
Yeah - as I get older I consistently see more and more people messed up to various degrees that can be traced to some factor during childhood. On a related note I am a big believer in CBT and related therapies for helping people overcomes various psychological issues.
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You are not special
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Cyclohexylamine] 1
#18972305 - 10/13/13 02:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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If I fixed all my psychological issues I'd have removed my whole personality.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 days
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: AzInoxia]
#18974738 - 10/14/13 12:11 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Skip the psychologist. I have a PhD myself. You need to talk to a psychiatrist who may have a PhD in psychopharmacology in addition to an MD degree. Sorry to make your search more difficult, but a non-medical practitioner will not be able to help, even if its a psychologist on a Prescribing Psychologist Registry to prescribe certain drugs. Most psychiatrists know what their pharma reps give them to try, but you have a uniquely interesting situation. Frankly, without subjecting you to experiments, it is doubtful that anyone is simply going to give you a precise diagnosis and be able to prescribe a course of action.
You are articulate, use correct grammar, spelling, punctuation, and syntax. You are not aphasic in your ability to pull up words and express them. This is all very relevant. I get the impression that it is not merely depersonalization/derealization that is the essential problem. Have you ever had PET or CAT scans? MRIs? I would maybe contact a neurologist, print your post, and tell him that a PhD mental health provider suggested that you contact a neurologist based on what you have written. I'm confident that [s]he will read your post with interest. A neurologist would have additional contacts for medicinal treatment, but brain lesions or anatomical anomalies would have to be eliminated first. There are non-invasive perceptual tests that could also be given to see how much your visual equipment (strictly speaking, the eyes and optic nerves are part of the brain) are involved. Flattened perception will surely have psychological correlates to feelings of derealization.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Icelander]
#18975060 - 10/14/13 02:28 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said: If I fixed all my psychological issues I'd have removed my whole personality. 
Ego loss maaaaaaaaaaan
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Repertoire89]
#18975122 - 10/14/13 03:11 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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"You've just had a heavy session of electroshock therapy, and you're more relaxed than you've been in weeks. All those childhood traumas, magically wiped-away, along with most of your personality." - some random trippy sample in a The Orb song 
@ 2:41
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: CosmicJoke]
#18975446 - 10/14/13 06:29 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Believe it or not electro shock was my mothers saving grace at the end of her life. She had drifted mentally into her own little hell based on the actions of her own little life. She was in a mental hospital with all sort of nasty delusions etc. They shocked her brain until almost all her memories (of all the poor choices she'd made in life) were gone. She thought she was a teen ager again and thought her daughter my sister was her mother. She became happy with that situation and my sister didnt' mind that role. She died relatively happy and relaxed.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Icelander]
#18975616 - 10/14/13 07:55 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said: Believe it or not electro shock was my mothers saving grace at the end of her life. She had drifted mentally into her own little hell based on the actions of her own little life. She was in a mental hospital with all sort of nasty delusions etc. They shocked her brain until almost all her memories (of all the poor choices she'd made in life) were gone. She thought she was a teen ager again and thought her daughter my sister was her mother. She became happy with that situation and my sister didnt' mind that role. She died relatively happy and relaxed.

To be or not to be
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Icelander]
#18977323 - 10/14/13 04:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said: Believe it or not electro shock was my mothers saving grace at the end of her life. She had drifted mentally into her own little hell based on the actions of her own little life. She was in a mental hospital with all sort of nasty delusions etc. They shocked her brain until almost all her memories (of all the poor choices she'd made in life) were gone. She thought she was a teen ager again and thought her daughter my sister was her mother. She became happy with that situation and my sister didnt' mind that role. She died relatively happy and relaxed.
That's very interesting, reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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Sleepwalker
Overshoes

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 5,503
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Ram Dass]
#18978272 - 10/14/13 07:49 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Ram Dass said: I'm no psychologist or anything, but if you have 2 working eyes on the front of your head, you have the same amount of depth perception that everyone else has.
Vision ultimately takes place in the brain, not the eyes.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,534
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Sleepwalker]
#18978361 - 10/14/13 08:04 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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You are fine The flat world that you you normally live in is a fair description of not being stoned. You gelled up an enhanced 3d. That is super normal.
To get perspective on that. Distance from drugs.
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_ 🧠 _
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Ram Dass
Challenger



Registered: 02/08/08
Posts: 693
Loc: 2000 Feet Under the Sea
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Sleepwalker]
#18978490 - 10/14/13 08:26 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Sleepwalker said:
Quote:
Ram Dass said: I'm no psychologist or anything, but if you have 2 working eyes on the front of your head, you have the same amount of depth perception that everyone else has.
Vision ultimately takes place in the brain, not the eyes.
I agree
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AzInoxia
Christ Incarnate



Registered: 06/20/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Arizona
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
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Thanks for the input everyone,
MarkostheGnostic, I appreciate the suggestion and will definitely consider it. I have never had any neurological examinations of any kind, but have considered it. I would like to know what is actually causing this condition in me, If not out of some morbid curiosity.
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CosmicJoke
happy mutant


Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 10,848
Loc: Portland, OR
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: AzInoxia]
#18979307 - 10/14/13 11:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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From what I know about DXM, one of the neutral/negative side effects is that people lose stereoscopic depth perception, so it's peculiar that you have this situation all the time and instead of furthering exacerbating it, you felt temporarily cured...
From what I understand, loss of depth perception is usually a sign that something is wrong with your eyes, like cataracts and macular degeneration...
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good. If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
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Thecrimson
Stranger
Registered: 10/21/13
Posts: 142
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: CosmicJoke]
#19017082 - 10/22/13 11:52 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Honestly I've had the spacial awareness feeling you described with weed. I think it's just being high more than anything. Everything just feels very real.
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viktor
psychotechnician



Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 4,293
Loc: New Zealand
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Re: Your not gonna f***in believe this one. [Re: Icelander]
#19017546 - 10/23/13 03:43 AM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said: If I fixed all my psychological issues I'd have removed my whole personality. 
I wonder if our natural state isn't perfect happiness that everyone shares in, and the only thing that makes us different is how our personalities are shaped by all the pain and abuse of life.
C.f. Tolstoy "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
-------------------- "They consider me insane but I know that I am a hero living under the eyes of the gods."
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