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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Registered: 10/11/13
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Depersonalization from anxiety
    #18965672 - 10/11/13 08:29 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

As my title says I've got a anxiety/ depersonalization disorder completely self induced. Never suffered from either in my life until now. Some background info, I have been using psychedelics in my journey for expansion for some time and eventually after suffering for some time I had what some people like to deem "awakening" being able to not be identified with your thoughts and just sitting back as the observer. At first I had no idea but over time my mind kept pointing me in the right directions and I learned more and more. It seems when fully in the present our mind points us to things very easily that it wishes to know. Also while sober images such as this would change if I looked past them or some of you might understand the mirror trick also.  Reality it this state is a different ball game.  I say these things because some believe this state is depersonalization while I believe it to be truth.  I was secure, found my purpose, and flowed with life.

For how my problem occurred it happened about a month ago. Before hand I was in bliss and felt I had truly found inner peace and my self. I recently moved across country to work with a friend for the summer. Being here I have to hide tripping but never once faltered from myself. Anyways at the end of a trip where I felt I became completely entranced in aware of awareness I told myself. "I know nothing" doing so I figured I could simply play a game with reality and see if I could see the same patterns and be as aware. I tried to blank slate somewhat but after being in this state for a week I tried to revert. I was still there but felt I had lost some of my positive energy or part of me was gone. This sent a little fear into me and that is the beginning of the anxiety. I decided a week later to trip again and the trip didn't want anything to do with that so I let it be and went on with it. So i began dwelling on this thing I had done, fear had come into my being as I was playing a whole new ballgame with awareness this took me for a turn I wasn't prepared for. Thoughts came and went but that was still in my mind and it started taking me down with it as I began to worry. I decided to trip again after focusing on it for a week to see if I could work it out and accept it. During my trip I fought it and it went into the subconscious to linger. The next day my mind was a thousand miles per hour with fear. This day I had a panic attack and afterwards I just sat around all day shook up. Reality became very fast and unstable and all my positivity left with that. Seemed like a giant reality switch.

Since then I've been completely identified with my mind, random thoughts, memories, things I don't think or believe come up in my brain constantly. I've lost my grounding and have no ability to focus or even converse as my brains running during all of this. I know focusing on it only propels it but my brains not on my side. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in about 3 weeks now. It seems the more I kick and scream the worse it gets but I don't know how to accept this state. I feel I lose. myself more and more. Feelings of no self, low awareness, memory loss, lack of focus, unconsciousness and unintelligible drain me. I now judge and let emotions rule me and sit back and despise every moment of it, I seem to psychoanalyze myself too. Strange feeling of a headband and fog around my head. I know this is due to my mind running like a racehorse but it's hard for me to accept this moment. I'm hung up on the past now and am angry at myself for dropping from the top to the bottom so quickly. The brain is now the master of me and my main reason for coming here is how do I stop identifying with my mind and break free again. I'm aware that I'm in a loop and that I've manifested for myself but I just am at a loss of how to break free. I understand it's a misunderstanding of my identity.

My main task is reestablishing proper identity, controlling my mind, and regaining my past mental state, and simply flowing once more with myself.

I would just be happy to have a personality and be able to converse properly.

Any helpful comments or constructive criticism would be thankful.

Thank you all


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/11/13 08:34 PM)


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OfflineTripbin
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo] * 1
    #18965684 - 10/11/13 08:31 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

This song helped me a lot. Also part 2. Gotta really listen to what hes saying though.


Edit: here are lyrics if you want to read along
http://rapgenius.com/Eyedea-and-abilities-the-dive-pt-1-lyrics


Edited by Tripbin (10/11/13 08:35 PM)


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin]
    #18965831 - 10/11/13 09:01 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

wow. thank you for that.

both of my states i'd be considered insane, insanity is sexy until it's tail turns on you.

I guess I must fall to be reborn anew.

I just don't know how to let go I guess. I know im holding on tight though


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/11/13 09:06 PM)


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin] * 1
    #18965836 - 10/11/13 09:03 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

definitely lay off the psychedelics for a while. reading about your "trip" here and "trip" there, it's quite obvious what has been causing most of this. you went a little too deep down the rabbit whole and now it is time to climb out and get some fresh air.

the question is, how?.

well first of all by not doing anymore drugs that alter your perception, this includes marijuana. How is your health?, it's cliche but do you exercise?. exercising helps one feel grounded again, not only that but it will help take your mind off of yourself. maybe that is what you need, you need to distract yourself for awhile and put your attention on other things besides your thoughts. it's a slow road to recovery but don;t let that detour you from going all the way. as the saying goes, "a cup is filled drop by drop". little by little you will gain your strength, but it is very important that you put a little effort each and everyday.

i was somewhat in the same boat a few days ago, and i've been there before, i know how to get out of it, by perseverance, good health, and staying away from ALL drugs for a while. The latter is VERY important. Like i said before man, don't dwell on your thoughts, i know it's easier said than done but you really have to put some effort into it. When you find yourself dwelling into these loops right away put your attention on whatever it is you are doing at that moment. if you are simply sitting and doing nothing then get up quickly and start reading a book, draw, watch a movie, etc.. Anything that will distract you from your negative thoughts. Thinking is good, but not when your mind can't think clearly. It is better to strengthen the mind first then when you are ready you can go back into the battle field and face your problems head on. Right now you are a wounded warrior, it is time to lay down the sword and heal.


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #18965883 - 10/11/13 09:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Been sober for about 5 weeks now. Marijuana throws me for a loop though. I'm healthy but not by any means in peak condition. No I don't exercise but I work outside. It's strange in everything I do i'm in my head thinking and churning out random chatter, it's not necessarily loops even just judgements, random thought garbage, random memories.

I think my biggest concerns with not thinking is the fear of losing my memories, my main thought systems, or even more of myself. So I cling.
It's hard to get out of your head. My main method for grounding now is just listening to external sounds.

I assume my mood will change over time as well or I will have to forgive myself and let go of it all.

Thank you very much as well.


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/11/13 09:19 PM)


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #18965987 - 10/11/13 09:37 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

man, you and i are almost in the same predicament. trust me dude, let all that stuff in your head go. what you've learned over time and all those precious memories will always stay with you. you will see that when the time comes these things will come to you naturally. there's is no need to dig up stuff just to keep it on some sort of pedastool. its always going to be there, and they will come to you at just the right time.


peace. :hippie:


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OfflineTripbin
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo] * 1
    #18966003 - 10/11/13 09:41 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Ya time is the only real cure. The song acts as a guide and helps you know what to do but as you've said its hard to actually do it. As time passes you learn to cope and start understanding better until one day you realize it's all OK. You may never feel exactly the same again but you stop feeling that weird feeling from within. I used to always have this odd feeling like I was going to be ripped from reality at any point. hell it ruined psychedelics for me but as time went on I've learned to accept those feelings as reality. Life is constantly changing. this is just a stage of that evolution. My mistake was interpreting the song too literally. Like if I can just let go now ill be better but I learned its saying over time you learn to let go without ever realizing it. Dudes a genius. Id recommend his other music if you like that existential kind of rap/poetry. His first two albums are extremely philosophical and mind exploring.

EDIT: Ill leave you with this last song as another mood booster. Enjoy.

EDIT 2: dumbass me forgot the link


Edited by Tripbin (10/11/13 09:51 PM)


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin]
    #18968703 - 10/12/13 03:02 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I guess i need to resolve this self hate for causing myself to lose my flow. I guess I just am angry cause I've broken free only to bring myself back down.
Another concern is the feeling my brain frog keeps growing as well as consciousness loss. No quick way to get out of the mind though?
Other than that seems like I just need to be and stop worrying.
Back to breaking free. :grin:

zZZz you feel numb as well but not the comfortable kind?

You guys have been great encouragement and I can't thank you enough.

Tripbin thank you for expanding my musical horizons. This guy is a genius.

There is no definite time structure is there? It just unfolds as it pleases I assume.



Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/12/13 08:50 PM)


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OfflineTripbin
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #18969534 - 10/12/13 07:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Breathing techniques, meditation, just relaxing, benzos


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin]
    #18986164 - 10/16/13 01:26 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Having the same problem as you and trying to just let go now. He says dive so I try to dive into the depths of my resistance and just let go but I don't know if I know how


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #18986176 - 10/16/13 01:28 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

you don't need to know how, just be.


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #18988350 - 10/16/13 09:23 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

OP, have you tried to pinpoint exactly when and where these anxiety issues kick in?

My guess is when you're NOT physically active and engaged, but more likely alone indoors, with too much time to think and nothing specific to do.

IMO this kind of anxiety is a sort of imbalance between how active your head is, and how active your body. Plenty of ways to bring it into balance again. Things like Tai Chi, Qi-Gong, Yoga, anything that gets you focused on the body and moving it with awareness, purposefully. The catch however is that you have to actually do it, not just think in your head about how it would be if you did it. That's just more thinking, while physically not moving :lol:

Grab a 30-40 min yoga session (not 10-15, take a longer one), I recommend the active kind, like Kundalini for instance, do it, then see how you feel.

If you're thinking that you were inactive before and didn't have anxiety, you have to consider that tripping is a HUGE stimulation for your mind, your brain. Have you matched that mental boost with anything physical, in terms of movement? Like if you trip balls for 12 hours, have you been dancing your arse off at least 6 of those hours, or just chilling and looking?


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19012242 - 10/22/13 05:38 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

zZZz said:
you don't need to know how, just be.





I can't I'm to lost in my head to just be. I Can't get out of my head


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InvisiblezZZz
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RedeDepersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19012265 - 10/22/13 05:48 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

meditate with me. concentrate on your breath. while you inhale and exhale take notice of it. when you inhale think to yourself "im am inhaling", and when exhale think to yourself "i am exhaling". keep doing this and when your mind decides to wonder off immediately come back to your breathing. do this for as long as you can.


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: RedeDepersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19013002 - 10/22/13 10:44 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

OP, a few thoughts for you to consider:

About meditation, focusing on breath etc. Until some time ago, I've read it A THOUSAND TIMES in various posts and articles and never did it by myself. At least not correctly. Not once.

I'd try for a few short minutes then get up and continue worrying. The very problem of anxiety = your brain, or certain parts of your brain, are on overdrive. Firing too fast. Hyper. Restless. This makes 1-2 minutes of standing still feel like 20, because in reality, those parts have indeed produced countless nervous thoughts in those minutes. So telling someone to meditate by themselves at this point, if they've never done it before, does little good and won't really work.

What I found when I actually went and meditated with people that knew what they were doing, is that the calmness that comes from meditation comes AFTER the point that beginners usually give up. Say, 10, 15, 20 minutes or more, after first sitting or laying down.

So one way to get this done right and benefit from it, is going to a meditation course. The whole point of that is those other people being in context, sitting with you for the right duration, so you "get" how much time you're actually supposed to sit and focus your awareness, not get up and leave after 3-4 minutes.

Another approach is GUIDED meditation. Like hypnosis. This is much easier to follow for 30-40 minutes, as 1. your mind has something more animated to focus on, and 2. they're usually designed with a smooth c a l m i n g  v o i c e  t h a t  s p e a k s    r  e  a  l  l  y        s    l    o  w      a  n  d        c  h  i    l    l    :lol:

Take audio or video with long sessions, 20-30 mins plus. Only after the first half you'll actually get any clean headspace with less noise and anxiety. You can do it if someone leads you through it the first few times, but not by yourself, from an anxious restless state. This quieting down reflex gets shorter and shorter with practice, but when you first start it's very long, as your brain doesn't even get what you're trying to do. Keeps asking wtf wtf wtf wtf? :eek: :lol:

Finally, my recommendation is to not sit, but do active meditation or yoga. Focus on the body, but on the active body. Sweat. Bend. Stretch. For an hour. Then at the end when the endorphins have kicked in, you'll have your peace. IMO back in the day when people had physical labor throughout the day, they needed to meditate by sitting, to break that physical activity, rest both body and mind. We modern people sit to much, body idle yet brain on overdrive (tv, videogames, facebook smartphone etc). So try moving with awareness to balance that. Again this one you can't just do by yourself for a long enough time, if you don't have the skills and habits already. It's probably best if you get a tape of some sort and play along. Example here:



The full version is about an hour. Any program like this that you actually put in your computer, play at a certain hour and go through with it to the end, will very likely calm you down.

Form the habit, this is your one hour of stress-free head space every day. As you establish this habit, your head will also learn how to expand this kind of chill even rhythm throughout the day.

Here a shorter one, try this one out see how you feel right at the end:



For music, I for one would recommend devotional music. It has a very even yet active kind of rhythm, and assuming you don't speak Hindi (or whatever language that is in) your verbal centers will take a break, and give way to colors, music, movement. If anything, IMO we Westerners are very top heavy on speech, to the detriment of music, dance, skin and eye contact. Many times simply interrupting the verbal thoughts we have, takes care of the problem. Music in languages you don't speak is a great way to do that. My favorite stuff right now is something called The Art Of Living - Bhajans. PM me if you need some details, but Google should be more than enough :wink:

Flow well OP, find your flow and flow every day :nyan:


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: RedeDepersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19017686 - 10/23/13 05:37 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

It's starting to get harder to hear my thoughts as before i could watch them all come and go but I feel now my consciousness or awareness is leaving and I'm slowly becoming more and more on autopilot. I want to just let go and be and stop this identification with the mind.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19019635 - 10/23/13 02:22 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i am also depersonalized. very shortly over three years leadin to me having enough n coming very close to ending it, having been in a terrible relationship i didnt want to be in, mixed with a 10 gram shroom trip where i thought i was goingto die, and chronic marijuana abuse, previous ambien abuse as well as well xanax abuse, cigarettes, becoming dysfunctional when i talk and in public, the way i carry myself, constantly lookin in the mirror hopin to see somethin prevail, wakin up everyday begging to sleep more. i truly feel ego-less and like stress/badadrenaline runs through my veins. i also smoke weed, an thats a habbit im dying to kick. a drug i despise, however little, will not be taking my life away no more. now i dream about goingto sleep feelin in control, i dream about being sober, and i couldn't say that a year ago, apart of me feels like its a process. everyday ive woken up feelin like ive had enough and thats just more stress- now i want to wake up n know i will be sleeping with my skin on me, not hanging up elsewhere, ive done all i can. it took awhile to truly appreciate the feelings im after in my case. whatever you do OP, forget how you at times percieve yourself, its all bulshit, an illusion - make a chest for your bulshit/complaints in your mind, turn the bulshit shit into vapor n let that shit flow in - deal with some bulshit 'later'the more you do this, the more it will help. its a real pyschology trick. an it helps people process bulshit out of there mind n focus on the moment. you need to build your mental strength back.


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OfflineSpecimen
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19036610 - 10/26/13 05:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Hey man, im glad im not the only one who has gone through this *And survived I might add. Im also glad your going through this as it's a very important part of enlightenment.

Let me first tell you my story and then my hypothesis to your question next.


    At the peak of my 11th birthyear I tried marijuana and had an extreme dissociative experience light headedness and just a total block out from society; I whent downhill from their and tried mushrooms the next year.

    This is the point of no return, I dumbed my brain down from large amounts of pharmaceuticals, triple CCC's and alcohol and suffered a great deal in school because of it. I was like ya know what, im gonna fly to the moon I wanna go so far on this path of drugs so that I can grow up and learn life lessons in my own way; the fast way, which I eventually came to realize was well, the best spiritual and philosophical life experience of my life. This wasn't a single trip that not only changed my persona but my well being as well, this was a conglomerate of high quality psychedelics and ecstasy. A very traumatizing time in my life. About 1 year after doing psychoactive substances for once a week straight I asked myself, why am I doing this? Why on earth are drugs and growing up important to me? Why is it that I have to do anything in society besides clothe, eat drink and etc myself? Why am I apart of a system that I never signed up for? I asked my friend these question and his answer was purely genius in terms of arrogance....

I Dont know, he tells me.

I immediately get frustrated storm home and go to sleep.

When I wake up, things feel wierd; they felt different. Everything changed with one answer, he doesn't know well if someone outside my body doesn't have answer's maybe... I do? I sat down and started thinking and it was in this moment I snapped.

I found that everything, and I mean every extension of reality is a creation of my mind. I doesn't matter what I know and dont know, it doesn't matter why im here why I care and what I do..... The only things that matter are in essence me. I pondered on this thought and it eventually got out of hand, I thought to myself im god and my ego was eventually torn and ripped because of it. It was actually a painful experience because the next time I did mushrooms I experience De-realization or De-Personalization a 3rd person perspective of my body. I sit motion-less in a circle of pot heads just remaining absolutely quiet, I couldn't even respond to my friends. I would make eye contact and think "I love this person with all of my heart, thank you." But I wouldn't talk, to say the least my friends were frightened and so was I. The following morning I wake up and apologize for being silly and head home. It's when im on the way home i feel different. My body seemed... Distant.

I was in shotgun passenger and I was looking out the window, though I wasn't seeing, I was feeling out the window and thinking of seeing it. At this time I was look not down at my body, but watching it from cornered angles in 3rd person. Some cultures and beliefs call this astral projection which I will go on to talk about later. But I was scared, my parent were driving me home asking me about my day and they didn't even know I smoked pot let alone do a drug they had very little experience with in theyre youth. And I was in simple terms, Paralyzed.

I get home and do what I first think reasonable. Google what the fuck is going on; to my amazement, nothing. I tell my parents I need a doctor, I get one and he sends me to a psychiatrist; who drugs me even more and tells me everything is fine, we will figure out whats wrong soon NOT EVEN KNOWING WHATS WRONG I GET DRUGS..... Benzo's antidepressants and everything bad to your soul.

Around the same time I begin meditating and experiment with lucid dreaming. There are many more pages of this from here on out, pretty much my life story filled with meanings and morals so Ill sum it all up.

"My main task is reestablishing proper identity, controlling my mind, and regaining my past mental state, and simply flowing once more with myself."


My friend, your main task shouldn't be towards re-establishing anything; it should be acceptance of who you are now, and what you WANT to be.

Your mind :smile: You are beautiful, I dont know who you are and I can say this confidently sending shivers up my spine graciously as I type this, you are the predominant controller in not only your own mind but natures mind, gods mind, and those around you as well; you affect everything you touch, everything you say. Butterfly effect. Everywhere; be calm and be patient, just simply enjoy the experience rather then feel uncomfortable, your not alone :smile:

Your mental state will never be the same; your always growing, aging, dying. What you feel is what you get, if you feel different from your past self then you should ask yourself why and really, really, pick yourself apart.

Your flow has rocks and trees in the way maybe even a dam, but you know what; water always finds a way.

"I would just be happy to have a personality and be able to converse properly."

Perhaps you would like to talk? Do you have a microphone I would love to talk with someone who shares similar experiences without typing for an hour and a half. :smile:


By the way, im not re-reading this so information may be scattered or silly sounding.

Stay pure, your a starchild.


--------------------
I wrap words.


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19044634 - 10/28/13 08:00 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I have wonderful news and horrible news.

I recently had a concussion and got my grounding back with myself and body and reestablished flow. I was able to just be and relax. Now I decided to smoke stupidly and then I started digging in my brain and brought up the past. This brought it on worse than ever. I feel the concussion happened for a reason and now I went against the flow once more... I've developed a self hatred for doing so. My thoughts are now even about dumber things and are angry at that. Very hard to hear though and I know my reality is being shifted by them.

Anyways out of it all I know this is just a learning experience, I know I can get out of it as I did without even realizing it, and most of all I know I just need to accept and stop resisting to move forward. Curious if I have to have another hospital visit or how I will be brought back this time. :laugh:


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19044802 - 10/28/13 09:15 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Your on the right path, sorry @ the concussion.


--------------------
I wrap words.


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19045846 - 10/28/13 12:15 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I think the concussion happened to get me out honestly. Now being in this predicament after one throws me for a loop. hard to remember period and my mind is even more frantic. More unconscious and farther from me than ever.

I feel I got on the path just to jump back off.


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/28/13 12:41 PM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19046064 - 10/28/13 01:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
I have wonderful news and horrible news.

I recently had a concussion and got my grounding back with myself and body and reestablished flow. I was able to just be and relax. Now I decided to smoke stupidly and then I started digging in my brain and brought up the past. This brought it on worse than ever. I feel the concussion happened for a reason and now I went against the flow once more... I've developed a self hatred for doing so. My thoughts are now even about dumber things and are angry at that. Very hard to hear though and I know my reality is being shifted by them.

Anyways out of it all I know this is just a learning experience, I know I can get out of it as I did without even realizing it, and most of all I know I just need to accept and stop resisting to move forward. Curious if I have to have another hospital visit or how I will be brought back this time. :laugh:




delete dealer numbers from your phone, try to catch yourself when your 'thinking' and just stop and just do something that requires attention, like mowing the lawn, shaving your ballsack... lol also, remember goals in life. half the time your goal is to smoke weed. you need to commit to another goal and remember this goal when you feel impulsive, don't just try to sleep, only sleep at night or a little nap if its really needed.

all in all i would delete dealers numbers in your phone, and if you have the willpower, just fuckin delete all your friends numbers who smoke, friends come n go anyways boy and your obviously not satisfied right now with your life,  turn your phone off/let it die for a few days/ give it to a friend/sister/brother/family member if you cant stop looking at it or turnin it on, come back when you feel more in control, which honestly could be a week or two, but its better than nothing and it will jumpstart the process.

im on day 1 of trying to quit weed again. it seems like i have two personalities, one that is entirely for it 1/4 of the time, and one that is entirely against it, there always clashing, the 1/4 of the time guy is potent so this is what i come up with to battle him.

'phone off'
'dont act on impulses, just make myself wait a few minutes to come to my senses'
'be around people who dont smoke'
'be around people who want to help you quit and instead of handin you bud'
'remind yourself you miss being sober'
'tell yourself its not on the menu as soon as you wake up'
'lastly, get the fuck off the computer'


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19046089 - 10/28/13 01:21 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

My main concern now is pre concussion i could watch all my thoughts but now it's much harder. I'm not worried about smoking again. Not now.

My problem isn't with people, I am my own worst enemy. I'm just in thought constantly. When I did get out of this I didn't get on my computer for 10 days. I just moved back home and hung out with my friend for 10 days and finally  got out. His opinion on it as far as smoking goes as it's mental and i need to just jump out of the hole.

Now I feel more clouded than before and that I can't watch my thoughts so I'm attached to them and I'm acting on things I do not agree with? I hope this makes sense.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19046107 - 10/28/13 01:29 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

end the weed habbit entirely, then go see a therapist.

anyone who tells you weed isn't the problem is retarded, it might not be the underlying problem, but its contributing and intensifying the problem.

-my 10th sense.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19046344 - 10/28/13 02:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I hadn't smoked weed 6 weeks prior so I can kick it easy. As for a therapist I believe all beings have the ability to heal themselves. This is just a learning curve and I jumped back in the hole after I got out unknowingly. It'll work itself out. As far as my life the only thing I don't enjoy about it is not having my mind on my side. Other than that it's been going great.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19046809 - 10/28/13 04:02 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Dude what were you DOING when you weren't thinking so much?

Were you alone indoors? Were you specifically going through different activities? Reading books instead of computer screens?

List locations, people, activities. You can't change thoughts by sheer fucking willpower alone. Thoughts are to a great extent dependent on habits and context. Habits you can't change right away, but context you can. Place yourself in places and company that worked well for ya. Context helps or drags you down. Don't struggle with thoughts in your head directly, this way you cannot win. Navigate the external world a little better, that will help change and regulate your thoughts.

Also, especially since you had a concussion, absolutely learn and check out videos from this guy right here:



Dr. Amen. Leading doc on brain health, specifically focused on brain injuries and drug abuse. Get well soon :thumbup:


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Spacerific]
    #19046857 - 10/28/13 04:09 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

yes I was alone, but I'm active socially as well. Typically I don't have to think actively I simply flow even on my computer and what not. I hike, camp, do outdoor activities. the thoughts I can not hear anymore really. Before my concussion they were easy to hear. Now I fear they are running me and I'm unaware of them.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19046914 - 10/28/13 04:21 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
yes I was alone, but I'm active socially as well. Typically I don't have to think actively I simply flow even on my computer and what not. I hike, camp, do outdoor activities. the thoughts I can not hear anymore really. Before my concussion they were easy to hear. Now I fear they are running me and I'm unaware of them.





id just like to point out, you might think therapist are only for crazy people, but there not at all. all sorts and types of people seek therapy, even for small shit. they can help you re-organize and re-process these thoughts, eliminate the bulshit/sort through it. even if you think its simple, it might not be, even if think you think your in a super deep hole, you might not be as deep as you think. they can be your literal 'path'. its up to you i guess, but..again, the fact that your fearing your own actions and dont trust them as your own/(copyandpastesaidsymptomshere), sounds irrational. and like you could use some guidance from a trained professional, goodluck.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Endure]
    #19047101 - 10/28/13 04:49 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

If your thoughts are really that much of a burden; tell yourself to shutup every time you have a thought that you dont appreciate. If you have a thought you dont understand, figure it out then push it off to the side.

Go meditate; 100% success rate.


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I wrap words.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Specimen]
    #19047749 - 10/28/13 06:17 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i make a 'chest' inside my mind to store shit, and turn the bulshit into water vapor and let it flow in and then i close it..

the more i use it the more effective it is.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19048332 - 10/28/13 07:43 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

It's just harder for me to hear my thoughts which could be due to my concussion. I know they're there and I am aware of some of them but i'm attaching to them without being aware I guess is how I would put it


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19048344 - 10/28/13 07:45 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)



Les Brown FTW!


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Gorlax]
    #19048587 - 10/28/13 08:18 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and feeling completely shit, all because I will not turn this brain off or use it properly, I just abuse the ability to think.

We need to just take it easy. Nothing is pressuring us to do anything, at the end of the day it's just us.

Very easy to live in your head, the way out is to just get a grip and take control of your brain, stop thinking those repetitive thoughts... get a grip... that's all someone outside yourself can say.

And when you're out of it you'll see how simple and obvious and trivial it all was. You'll see why no one but you, not even medication, could help you.

I mean of course there is something wrong but it is just you doing it. You need to take a step aside from what you think is happening in your life, in the world, anywhere, all your opinions and ideas, and say, hey, I can't prove or disprove this stuff but I sure can let some other ideas through if I just slow down.

When you stop your thought process the mind will apprehend reality properly and you'll see how your ideas have nothing to do with anything.

Then you will be extremely relieved as you do what you used to do so anxiously, so simply and calmly now and there's even a future for you now.

tl;dr: Relllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxxxxx....

(I love these 3 hr relaxation music items on youtube, check them out, play them while you do what you usually do)


--------------------
My solitude...
My shield...
My armour...

TESTED
WITH
FULL
FORCE


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: circastes]
    #19048595 - 10/28/13 08:20 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

PS. blame psychoactives for setting you off, it's not your fault.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19050719 - 10/29/13 06:58 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I can't blame anything for setting me off. I chose to play with my head and started trying to go back in the past so I'll take the blame regardless. Anxiety is new to me. switching from no thoughts to over thought is quite a rough change. It's hard to just be right now. Pre concussion i was more introverted but now I worry about dumber things and my thoughts seems stupider, cloudier, and more immature. It's been a strange switch.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19050880 - 10/29/13 08:07 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

You sound like your overthinking a lot... Like I said, meditate.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19052160 - 10/29/13 02:16 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I can't stop my thoughts... thats the problem they're not in my control


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19053252 - 10/29/13 05:55 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
I can't stop my thoughts... thats the problem they're not in my control



No but you can control your eyes (close them) and your body (sit down) and then start focusing on
- the breath, in a specific place (nose, throat, abdomen)
- your heartbeat
- the guided meditation audio that you got for testing

10-15 minutes in your thoughts will be VERY different.


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Spacerific]
    #19056082 - 10/30/13 03:50 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Hey dude are those your eyes in the sig? You look like some divine being... I notice on mushrooms I look like one too. *high fives*


--------------------
My solitude...
My shield...
My armour...

TESTED
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FORCE


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: circastes]
    #19056727 - 10/30/13 09:43 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

circastes said:
Hey dude are those your eyes in the sig? You look like some divine being... I notice on mushrooms I look like one too. *high fives*



Yeah they're mine, shr00ming in the Netherlands, probably with some MAOI as well that time around. The shroom dilates the pupils, opens the mind :biggrin:


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19061683 - 10/31/13 03:50 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
I hadn't smoked weed 6 weeks prior so I can kick it easy. As for a therapist I believe all beings have the ability to heal themselves. This is just a learning curve and I jumped back in the hole after I got out unknowingly. It'll work itself out. As far as my life the only thing I don't enjoy about it is not having my mind on my side. Other than that it's been going great.




Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
yes I was alone, but I'm active socially as well. Typically I don't have to think actively I simply flow even on my computer and what not. I hike, camp, do outdoor activities. the thoughts I can not hear anymore really. Before my concussion they were easy to hear. Now I fear they are running me and I'm unaware of them.




I think you should lay off all the drugs, and you should see a therapist. Maybe you just have an unusual way of expressing yourself, but I had a hard time following what you were talking about. What do you mean you were hearing your thoughts? Now you fear they are running you?

Are your thoughts separate from you? This is all very strange, OP.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: koods]
    #19061785 - 10/31/13 04:57 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

It's not so strange, the man put his head through a few things, and now stuff doesn't work quite optimally. As when you have a cold, a fever, are drunk or hung over, you're not going to flow as on your best day. I'd say it's quite normal. I'd also say it's likely to improve if OP minds his sleep, diet, gets his nice supplements (see Dr. Amen for that, I think he has several recommendations based on various factors) and so on.

Go through the good motions OP, don't worry about thoughts getting in the way, focus on sleep, nutrition, light exercise, fresh air, sun and light during the day, darkness and quiet during the night. Given some time you will recover.


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Spacerific]
    #19100574 - 11/07/13 01:29 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Might end up seeing a therapist.
Well we are not our thoughts so I will go ahead and say they are separate.
As for my thoughts though at first I would still go about my day while my head would be going a million miles an hour and I didn't identify with these thoughts but I fought them. It's essentially like my thoughts are fighting me if that makes sense.
I can't think clearly and my thoughts think about random garbage so my perception changes often if I identify to one. I know who I am but my mind is just in the way. I know I can't think my way out of it, I know I can't go back and change a damn thing. I know I'm in a terrible thought loop and it makes me more unconscious and aware over time. The more I think the worse it deepens.

I simply don't know what to do as I try to think what I used to do and what not. Throughout my day I'm always thinking never being or flowing and it's all quite odd to me. So my natural reaction is to fight witch in turn strengthens my mind. If I just let go and stop giving a damn it would all work out. Problem is I constantly try to find the old me and cross compare instead of just being. Constantly thinking.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19100810 - 11/07/13 02:14 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Ummm Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now?



--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Spacerific]
    #19104935 - 11/08/13 10:44 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Have his book. It just I can't get out of my head. You know how normally you go throughtout your day and you can do things without thinking such as shower, tie shoes, whatever. Well I'm thinking instead of just being a conscious being. just stuck in my head. I just don't know how to get out.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19104966 - 11/08/13 10:52 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

"Since then I've been completely identified with my mind, random thoughts, memories, things I don't think or believe come up in my brain constantly. I've lost my grounding and have no ability to focus or even converse as my brains running during all of this. I know focusing on it only propels it but my brains not on my side. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in about 3 weeks now. It seems the more I kick and scream the worse it gets but I don't know how to accept this state. I feel I lose. myself more and more. Feelings of no self, low awareness, memory loss, lack of focus, unconsciousness and unintelligible drain me. I now judge and let emotions rule me and sit back and despise every moment of it, I seem to psychoanalyze myself too. "

felt it all :-)

nature everyday I would recommend

houseplants,pets,gardening,walk in nature,sit in nature everyday
do what you love

then there is no need for worry or even a concept of self :-)

think about it
it used to make me fear, I had no concept of who I was, was everything I see , loved everything I saw
but how often do we really need a concept of self?

its not that often...  but it can be awkward to talk to some people you know sometimes

just experience , sooner or later it will rebuild if you want it to, can take years
took me 2 years to rebuild just some concept of self , but I still only had minor problems interacting with others
when you got no self, you can easier help others, for  you can see yourself in everyone

peace :smile: and dont worry


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: lessismore]
    #19105089 - 11/08/13 11:17 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I know there is no true self. the idea of it is formless and can take share in any direction you put it. I just don't have hat natural flowness to myself.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19106066 - 11/08/13 02:50 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
Have his book. It just I can't get out of my head. You know how normally you go throughtout your day and you can do things without thinking such as shower, tie shoes, whatever. Well I'm thinking instead of just being a conscious being. just stuck in my head. I just don't know how to get out.



Ok, this one is much more literal. I hope you have 5 minutes of attention span, because it specifically says what you have to actually do, to get out of your head more:



--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19106818 - 11/08/13 05:24 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Hyperspacegowoo said:
I know there is no true self. the idea of it is formless and can take share in any direction you put it. I just don't have hat natural flowness to myself.




probably because you have some monsters in your closet


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19107914 - 11/08/13 09:34 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Can you accept your mind in its current state? That might be part of the anxiety. Your motivation is strong, you demand a lot from yourself.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hygrocybe]
    #19108032 - 11/08/13 10:06 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

OP I'm in pretty much the same exact situation. Mine got really bad almost 2 years ago, I thought it was just a temporary phase kinda thing. It started after I went on a small stimulant binge. When it initially happened it was like I was crashing from amps for like a month. It's not so bad now, but I still haven't progressed at all in life in the past 2 years. I 'm stuck in my head repeating negative thought loops and stuck in life repeating negative cycles. A lot of these negative thoughts I had when I was really young I just never gave them much attention. Now it seems they are all that take up my attention.

Unfortunately I think in my situation drug abuse has led to an exacerbated mental illness that I have had for a while, but is just now showing its self in my late teens/20's.

Quote:

Since then I've been completely identified with my mind, random thoughts, memories, things I don't think or believe come up in my brain constantly. I've lost my grounding and have no ability to focus or even converse as my brains running during all of this. I know focusing on it only propels it but my brains not on my side. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in about 3 weeks now. It seems the more I kick and scream the worse it gets but I don't know how to accept this state. I feel I lose. myself more and more. Feelings of no self, low awareness, memory loss, lack of focus, unconsciousness and unintelligible drain me. I now judge and let emotions rule me and sit back and despise every moment of it, I seem to psychoanalyze myself too. Strange feeling of a headband and fog around my head. I know this is due to my mind running like a racehorse but it's hard for me to accept this moment. I'm hung up on the past now and am angry at myself for dropping from the top to the bottom so quickly. The brain is now the master of me and my main reason for coming here is how do I stop identifying with my mind and break free again. I'm aware that I'm in a loop and that I've manifested for myself but I just am at a loss of how to break free. I understand it's a misunderstanding of my identity.


 

I know how ya feel and I'm stuck wondering how to fully break the cycles. I get close then fall right back into them.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: LittleDipster]
    #19108991 - 11/09/13 03:54 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I had to stop smoking weed everyday to break it :wink:

dunno if any of you do that... weed would make it much much worse

needed less thoughts... weed gave me many more thoughts

nature/meditation removed thoughts , and also trance music everyday


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19109559 - 11/09/13 08:53 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

I would say I don't fully accept this state I'm fighting it and trying to go back to a previous one and try and pull some magic. I've been using my mind and playing games since I was young. I'm an advocate of being a master of your mind so having it go against me is a huge thing to me.  I try to just "be" but the problem is trying. I'm constantly trying instead of accepting and this causes it to get worse. I know what I'm doing wrong but just don't know how to open the door. I can still mediate and feel the energy of my body. I can shift my awareness still but not in the precise and focused way.
I still observe thoughts but I've noticed I have gotten worse and started attaching and repressing thoughts instead of observing and giving them no power. 

No monsters in my closet I haven't conquered. This is just a mind game I started and took a wrong turn.

I have stopped drugs, tried alcohol recently to see if it would loosen me up but no dice.

Also thank you for the video and all the helpful post, it's much appreciated.


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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19109711 - 11/09/13 09:46 AM (10 years, 2 months ago)

The closed door can be a door itself. Can you find forgiveness, understanding, and kindness for yourself in this? You don't necessarily have to accept that the door is closed, there are other opportunities here for cultivating openness.


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Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4,906
Loc: New York
Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: LittleDipster]
    #19110938 - 11/09/13 03:53 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

LittleDipster said:
OP I'm in pretty much the same exact situation. Mine got really bad almost 2 years ago, I thought it was just a temporary phase kinda thing. It started after I went on a small stimulant binge. When it initially happened it was like I was crashing from amps for like a month. It's not so bad now, but I still haven't progressed at all in life in the past 2 years. I 'm stuck in my head repeating negative thought loops and stuck in life repeating negative cycles. A lot of these negative thoughts I had when I was really young I just never gave them much attention. Now it seems they are all that take up my attention.

Unfortunately I think in my situation drug abuse has led to an exacerbated mental illness that I have had for a while, but is just now showing its self in my late teens/20's.

Quote:

Since then I've been completely identified with my mind, random thoughts, memories, things I don't think or believe come up in my brain constantly. I've lost my grounding and have no ability to focus or even converse as my brains running during all of this. I know focusing on it only propels it but my brains not on my side. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in about 3 weeks now. It seems the more I kick and scream the worse it gets but I don't know how to accept this state. I feel I lose. myself more and more. Feelings of no self, low awareness, memory loss, lack of focus, unconsciousness and unintelligible drain me. I now judge and let emotions rule me and sit back and despise every moment of it, I seem to psychoanalyze myself too. Strange feeling of a headband and fog around my head. I know this is due to my mind running like a racehorse but it's hard for me to accept this moment. I'm hung up on the past now and am angry at myself for dropping from the top to the bottom so quickly. The brain is now the master of me and my main reason for coming here is how do I stop identifying with my mind and break free again. I'm aware that I'm in a loop and that I've manifested for myself but I just am at a loss of how to break free. I understand it's a misunderstanding of my identity.


 

I know how ya feel and I'm stuck wondering how to fully break the cycles. I get close then fall right back into them.



from what ive read, you sure as hell display common symptoms of schizophrenia, ocd, adhd, GAD, and depression, bipolar ( i do too )
in a nutshell, you need better guidance in sorting through some memories, some problems, and reprocessing things.. people wait years in depression to solve these things before seeing someone for it.. dont be one of those people.


--------------------
Im only aloud to post once an hour. Because 'Sell Your Soul' doesn't like me. so if I am responding to you, that means you are above of the utmost importance


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Registered: 10/11/13
Posts: 26
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hygrocybe]
    #19111606 - 11/09/13 06:51 PM (10 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Hygrocybe said:
The closed door can be a door itself. Can you find forgiveness, understanding, and kindness for yourself in this? You don't necessarily have to accept that the door is closed, there are other opportunities here for cultivating openness.


I believe I can forgive myself and understand but it's hard to be kind with all these thoughts but why not try? I'm up to try anything.

bipolar? I don't feel im more of a blankness.


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Registered: 10/11/13
Posts: 26
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #23323143 - 06/08/16 07:09 PM (7 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

zZZz said:
you don't need to know how, just be.




When i'm just "being" im in a void.

Anyways it's been quite a while since I posted this.

At first my mind was wild with a bunch of trippy stuff now it's more of a blank mind.
Everyone says to accept it or surrender to it and before this really got me in a head trip intellectualizing how to do something that requires me to stop that. haha

So even knowing this, surrender and acceptance as concepts still elude me in what they mean for this.

Anyways for good news,
I got out of my head a few times but always fell back but now i've been in for about 8 months without coming out for air. Just don't know what to do now or how I did it before.


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InvisibleHinny
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #23326067 - 06/09/16 02:24 PM (7 years, 7 months ago)

I'm glad this got a bump. I don't know how to articulate myself at the minute about this, but I am relating to it.


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InvisibleHinny
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hinny]
    #23326153 - 06/09/16 02:54 PM (7 years, 7 months ago)

Oh and wicked to the member who posted Eyedea!!!!

A friend turned me onto him when I was massively fucked up years ago, now I'm sat listening to "The many faces of Oliver Hart".

:aum::flowers:


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OfflineTrippedytrip
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hinny]
    #23335218 - 06/12/16 06:15 AM (7 years, 7 months ago)

Dear Shroomery Forumers ,
I would be very thankfull if you read .

So here's my story ,
I moved to another Country to start my apprenticeship as i was 17 .
I had there the chance to meet new people and start in a really good Hotellerie company. The first year of working i was really entuthiastic and hat a lot of fun working and met a bunch of new people who gave me a new. impression world as i before lived in another country ( Spain) .

I met there people with who i then started smoking ganja regularly, every day when we had time after work etc.
I also got in the Trance/psychedelic scene and went a lot to raves and partying.
After 1,5 years of working i have gotten more and more into shit and really started creating a new carachter of myself. but i wasnt really aware . I was heading more into a spiritual path. I had before always been an extroverted boy and have  very good school friends .

There somehow drugs have led with all the other such as stressfull/monotone and unorganized life to a more and more tunnel vision if anyone gets that.

I have also tried then Shrooms(3)when i was ready and some MDMA(1)and some times Ecstasy(5) . I had then come to a point where i couldnt control the mind anymore.

I was going working , then smoking a bowl and trying to relax after a stressy day in the hotel. I woken up once and since that day i saw everything in 3rd person.

As if i was behind me controlling myself.I was basically  aware of everything on my surroundings
. At that time i didnt do much Herb and neither other drugs. I  did felt rare but i didnt panic and kept on with my daily life basis.

After 3,4 months nearly in that state i had lost totally the North vision and opened my eyes for very first time looking how i had messed up myself physically and mentally due to depression followed by anxiety and psychosis where i couldnt get out of my head.

.I have now gotten an medical break about for 2 months from my doctor . I am home now  with family and i have figured it all out but the consequences are devastating.
I didnt have my feet on the ground anymore i had been on such a long mental journey that i have basically lost my head.It is like i have consumed all of my memories because many times i was thinking of the past when smoking.

. I still can speak my 5 languages and live normal but i have lost my short-term memory/photographic memory and my head has dramatically shrinked , the hippocampus and the frontal cortex aswell.

Me perceiving life is now completely different but i asume in what i have been into and tryng to take a turn. I have my family , friends and my phsycologist who helps me. I am neither taking anti-psychotics and i wont take them.

Doing lot of sport and meditation and pumping nice Goa/Psytrance tunes .  I am now feeling better but i regret that i have harmed so much myself . It is my first ever breakdown/depression and i am gaining time by time my autoestime again. I have misunderstood a lot about how Marihuana works and underevaluated it .

I have learned from it , it also has teached me wich way i should lead really in life and how.
I am thankfull that for but its still very complicated to restart.
Has anyone had such a nervous breakdown ?
Do you have any tips for a better recovery?
My father has a bad social mental ilness does it have anything to do with it ?, i had never had much contact to him because he and my mother broke 10 years ago.
If i smoke again when im recovered can it get to the same point or worse?


Life  is about learning lessons and teaching yourself
I would be happy if someone answers.
Thanks guys peace out


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