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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Registered: 10/11/13
Posts: 26
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Depersonalization from anxiety
    #18965672 - 10/11/13 08:29 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

As my title says I've got a anxiety/ depersonalization disorder completely self induced. Never suffered from either in my life until now. Some background info, I have been using psychedelics in my journey for expansion for some time and eventually after suffering for some time I had what some people like to deem "awakening" being able to not be identified with your thoughts and just sitting back as the observer. At first I had no idea but over time my mind kept pointing me in the right directions and I learned more and more. It seems when fully in the present our mind points us to things very easily that it wishes to know. Also while sober images such as this would change if I looked past them or some of you might understand the mirror trick also.  Reality it this state is a different ball game.  I say these things because some believe this state is depersonalization while I believe it to be truth.  I was secure, found my purpose, and flowed with life.

For how my problem occurred it happened about a month ago. Before hand I was in bliss and felt I had truly found inner peace and my self. I recently moved across country to work with a friend for the summer. Being here I have to hide tripping but never once faltered from myself. Anyways at the end of a trip where I felt I became completely entranced in aware of awareness I told myself. "I know nothing" doing so I figured I could simply play a game with reality and see if I could see the same patterns and be as aware. I tried to blank slate somewhat but after being in this state for a week I tried to revert. I was still there but felt I had lost some of my positive energy or part of me was gone. This sent a little fear into me and that is the beginning of the anxiety. I decided a week later to trip again and the trip didn't want anything to do with that so I let it be and went on with it. So i began dwelling on this thing I had done, fear had come into my being as I was playing a whole new ballgame with awareness this took me for a turn I wasn't prepared for. Thoughts came and went but that was still in my mind and it started taking me down with it as I began to worry. I decided to trip again after focusing on it for a week to see if I could work it out and accept it. During my trip I fought it and it went into the subconscious to linger. The next day my mind was a thousand miles per hour with fear. This day I had a panic attack and afterwards I just sat around all day shook up. Reality became very fast and unstable and all my positivity left with that. Seemed like a giant reality switch.

Since then I've been completely identified with my mind, random thoughts, memories, things I don't think or believe come up in my brain constantly. I've lost my grounding and have no ability to focus or even converse as my brains running during all of this. I know focusing on it only propels it but my brains not on my side. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in about 3 weeks now. It seems the more I kick and scream the worse it gets but I don't know how to accept this state. I feel I lose. myself more and more. Feelings of no self, low awareness, memory loss, lack of focus, unconsciousness and unintelligible drain me. I now judge and let emotions rule me and sit back and despise every moment of it, I seem to psychoanalyze myself too. Strange feeling of a headband and fog around my head. I know this is due to my mind running like a racehorse but it's hard for me to accept this moment. I'm hung up on the past now and am angry at myself for dropping from the top to the bottom so quickly. The brain is now the master of me and my main reason for coming here is how do I stop identifying with my mind and break free again. I'm aware that I'm in a loop and that I've manifested for myself but I just am at a loss of how to break free. I understand it's a misunderstanding of my identity.

My main task is reestablishing proper identity, controlling my mind, and regaining my past mental state, and simply flowing once more with myself.

I would just be happy to have a personality and be able to converse properly.

Any helpful comments or constructive criticism would be thankful.

Thank you all


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/11/13 08:34 PM)


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OfflineTripbin
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo] * 1
    #18965684 - 10/11/13 08:31 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

This song helped me a lot. Also part 2. Gotta really listen to what hes saying though.


Edit: here are lyrics if you want to read along
http://rapgenius.com/Eyedea-and-abilities-the-dive-pt-1-lyrics


Edited by Tripbin (10/11/13 08:35 PM)


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin]
    #18965831 - 10/11/13 09:01 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

wow. thank you for that.

both of my states i'd be considered insane, insanity is sexy until it's tail turns on you.

I guess I must fall to be reborn anew.

I just don't know how to let go I guess. I know im holding on tight though


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/11/13 09:06 PM)


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin] * 1
    #18965836 - 10/11/13 09:03 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

definitely lay off the psychedelics for a while. reading about your "trip" here and "trip" there, it's quite obvious what has been causing most of this. you went a little too deep down the rabbit whole and now it is time to climb out and get some fresh air.

the question is, how?.

well first of all by not doing anymore drugs that alter your perception, this includes marijuana. How is your health?, it's cliche but do you exercise?. exercising helps one feel grounded again, not only that but it will help take your mind off of yourself. maybe that is what you need, you need to distract yourself for awhile and put your attention on other things besides your thoughts. it's a slow road to recovery but don;t let that detour you from going all the way. as the saying goes, "a cup is filled drop by drop". little by little you will gain your strength, but it is very important that you put a little effort each and everyday.

i was somewhat in the same boat a few days ago, and i've been there before, i know how to get out of it, by perseverance, good health, and staying away from ALL drugs for a while. The latter is VERY important. Like i said before man, don't dwell on your thoughts, i know it's easier said than done but you really have to put some effort into it. When you find yourself dwelling into these loops right away put your attention on whatever it is you are doing at that moment. if you are simply sitting and doing nothing then get up quickly and start reading a book, draw, watch a movie, etc.. Anything that will distract you from your negative thoughts. Thinking is good, but not when your mind can't think clearly. It is better to strengthen the mind first then when you are ready you can go back into the battle field and face your problems head on. Right now you are a wounded warrior, it is time to lay down the sword and heal.


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #18965883 - 10/11/13 09:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Been sober for about 5 weeks now. Marijuana throws me for a loop though. I'm healthy but not by any means in peak condition. No I don't exercise but I work outside. It's strange in everything I do i'm in my head thinking and churning out random chatter, it's not necessarily loops even just judgements, random thought garbage, random memories.

I think my biggest concerns with not thinking is the fear of losing my memories, my main thought systems, or even more of myself. So I cling.
It's hard to get out of your head. My main method for grounding now is just listening to external sounds.

I assume my mood will change over time as well or I will have to forgive myself and let go of it all.

Thank you very much as well.


Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/11/13 09:19 PM)


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #18965987 - 10/11/13 09:37 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

man, you and i are almost in the same predicament. trust me dude, let all that stuff in your head go. what you've learned over time and all those precious memories will always stay with you. you will see that when the time comes these things will come to you naturally. there's is no need to dig up stuff just to keep it on some sort of pedastool. its always going to be there, and they will come to you at just the right time.


peace. :hippie:


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OfflineTripbin
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo] * 1
    #18966003 - 10/11/13 09:41 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Ya time is the only real cure. The song acts as a guide and helps you know what to do but as you've said its hard to actually do it. As time passes you learn to cope and start understanding better until one day you realize it's all OK. You may never feel exactly the same again but you stop feeling that weird feeling from within. I used to always have this odd feeling like I was going to be ripped from reality at any point. hell it ruined psychedelics for me but as time went on I've learned to accept those feelings as reality. Life is constantly changing. this is just a stage of that evolution. My mistake was interpreting the song too literally. Like if I can just let go now ill be better but I learned its saying over time you learn to let go without ever realizing it. Dudes a genius. Id recommend his other music if you like that existential kind of rap/poetry. His first two albums are extremely philosophical and mind exploring.

EDIT: Ill leave you with this last song as another mood booster. Enjoy.

EDIT 2: dumbass me forgot the link


Edited by Tripbin (10/11/13 09:51 PM)


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin]
    #18968703 - 10/12/13 03:02 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I guess i need to resolve this self hate for causing myself to lose my flow. I guess I just am angry cause I've broken free only to bring myself back down.
Another concern is the feeling my brain frog keeps growing as well as consciousness loss. No quick way to get out of the mind though?
Other than that seems like I just need to be and stop worrying.
Back to breaking free. :grin:

zZZz you feel numb as well but not the comfortable kind?

You guys have been great encouragement and I can't thank you enough.

Tripbin thank you for expanding my musical horizons. This guy is a genius.

There is no definite time structure is there? It just unfolds as it pleases I assume.



Edited by Hyperspacegowoo (10/12/13 08:50 PM)


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OfflineTripbin
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #18969534 - 10/12/13 07:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Breathing techniques, meditation, just relaxing, benzos


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Tripbin]
    #18986164 - 10/16/13 01:26 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Having the same problem as you and trying to just let go now. He says dive so I try to dive into the depths of my resistance and just let go but I don't know if I know how


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InvisiblezZZz
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #18986176 - 10/16/13 01:28 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

you don't need to know how, just be.


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #18988350 - 10/16/13 09:23 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

OP, have you tried to pinpoint exactly when and where these anxiety issues kick in?

My guess is when you're NOT physically active and engaged, but more likely alone indoors, with too much time to think and nothing specific to do.

IMO this kind of anxiety is a sort of imbalance between how active your head is, and how active your body. Plenty of ways to bring it into balance again. Things like Tai Chi, Qi-Gong, Yoga, anything that gets you focused on the body and moving it with awareness, purposefully. The catch however is that you have to actually do it, not just think in your head about how it would be if you did it. That's just more thinking, while physically not moving :lol:

Grab a 30-40 min yoga session (not 10-15, take a longer one), I recommend the active kind, like Kundalini for instance, do it, then see how you feel.

If you're thinking that you were inactive before and didn't have anxiety, you have to consider that tripping is a HUGE stimulation for your mind, your brain. Have you matched that mental boost with anything physical, in terms of movement? Like if you trip balls for 12 hours, have you been dancing your arse off at least 6 of those hours, or just chilling and looking?


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19012242 - 10/22/13 05:38 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

zZZz said:
you don't need to know how, just be.





I can't I'm to lost in my head to just be. I Can't get out of my head


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InvisiblezZZz
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RedeDepersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19012265 - 10/22/13 05:48 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

meditate with me. concentrate on your breath. while you inhale and exhale take notice of it. when you inhale think to yourself "im am inhaling", and when exhale think to yourself "i am exhaling". keep doing this and when your mind decides to wonder off immediately come back to your breathing. do this for as long as you can.


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OfflineSpacerific
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Re: RedeDepersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19013002 - 10/22/13 10:44 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

OP, a few thoughts for you to consider:

About meditation, focusing on breath etc. Until some time ago, I've read it A THOUSAND TIMES in various posts and articles and never did it by myself. At least not correctly. Not once.

I'd try for a few short minutes then get up and continue worrying. The very problem of anxiety = your brain, or certain parts of your brain, are on overdrive. Firing too fast. Hyper. Restless. This makes 1-2 minutes of standing still feel like 20, because in reality, those parts have indeed produced countless nervous thoughts in those minutes. So telling someone to meditate by themselves at this point, if they've never done it before, does little good and won't really work.

What I found when I actually went and meditated with people that knew what they were doing, is that the calmness that comes from meditation comes AFTER the point that beginners usually give up. Say, 10, 15, 20 minutes or more, after first sitting or laying down.

So one way to get this done right and benefit from it, is going to a meditation course. The whole point of that is those other people being in context, sitting with you for the right duration, so you "get" how much time you're actually supposed to sit and focus your awareness, not get up and leave after 3-4 minutes.

Another approach is GUIDED meditation. Like hypnosis. This is much easier to follow for 30-40 minutes, as 1. your mind has something more animated to focus on, and 2. they're usually designed with a smooth c a l m i n g  v o i c e  t h a t  s p e a k s    r  e  a  l  l  y        s    l    o  w      a  n  d        c  h  i    l    l    :lol:

Take audio or video with long sessions, 20-30 mins plus. Only after the first half you'll actually get any clean headspace with less noise and anxiety. You can do it if someone leads you through it the first few times, but not by yourself, from an anxious restless state. This quieting down reflex gets shorter and shorter with practice, but when you first start it's very long, as your brain doesn't even get what you're trying to do. Keeps asking wtf wtf wtf wtf? :eek: :lol:

Finally, my recommendation is to not sit, but do active meditation or yoga. Focus on the body, but on the active body. Sweat. Bend. Stretch. For an hour. Then at the end when the endorphins have kicked in, you'll have your peace. IMO back in the day when people had physical labor throughout the day, they needed to meditate by sitting, to break that physical activity, rest both body and mind. We modern people sit to much, body idle yet brain on overdrive (tv, videogames, facebook smartphone etc). So try moving with awareness to balance that. Again this one you can't just do by yourself for a long enough time, if you don't have the skills and habits already. It's probably best if you get a tape of some sort and play along. Example here:



The full version is about an hour. Any program like this that you actually put in your computer, play at a certain hour and go through with it to the end, will very likely calm you down.

Form the habit, this is your one hour of stress-free head space every day. As you establish this habit, your head will also learn how to expand this kind of chill even rhythm throughout the day.

Here a shorter one, try this one out see how you feel right at the end:



For music, I for one would recommend devotional music. It has a very even yet active kind of rhythm, and assuming you don't speak Hindi (or whatever language that is in) your verbal centers will take a break, and give way to colors, music, movement. If anything, IMO we Westerners are very top heavy on speech, to the detriment of music, dance, skin and eye contact. Many times simply interrupting the verbal thoughts we have, takes care of the problem. Music in languages you don't speak is a great way to do that. My favorite stuff right now is something called The Art Of Living - Bhajans. PM me if you need some details, but Google should be more than enough :wink:

Flow well OP, find your flow and flow every day :nyan:


--------------------
Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: RedeDepersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19017686 - 10/23/13 05:37 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

It's starting to get harder to hear my thoughts as before i could watch them all come and go but I feel now my consciousness or awareness is leaving and I'm slowly becoming more and more on autopilot. I want to just let go and be and stop this identification with the mind.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: zZZz]
    #19019635 - 10/23/13 02:22 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i am also depersonalized. very shortly over three years leadin to me having enough n coming very close to ending it, having been in a terrible relationship i didnt want to be in, mixed with a 10 gram shroom trip where i thought i was goingto die, and chronic marijuana abuse, previous ambien abuse as well as well xanax abuse, cigarettes, becoming dysfunctional when i talk and in public, the way i carry myself, constantly lookin in the mirror hopin to see somethin prevail, wakin up everyday begging to sleep more. i truly feel ego-less and like stress/badadrenaline runs through my veins. i also smoke weed, an thats a habbit im dying to kick. a drug i despise, however little, will not be taking my life away no more. now i dream about goingto sleep feelin in control, i dream about being sober, and i couldn't say that a year ago, apart of me feels like its a process. everyday ive woken up feelin like ive had enough and thats just more stress- now i want to wake up n know i will be sleeping with my skin on me, not hanging up elsewhere, ive done all i can. it took awhile to truly appreciate the feelings im after in my case. whatever you do OP, forget how you at times percieve yourself, its all bulshit, an illusion - make a chest for your bulshit/complaints in your mind, turn the bulshit shit into vapor n let that shit flow in - deal with some bulshit 'later'the more you do this, the more it will help. its a real pyschology trick. an it helps people process bulshit out of there mind n focus on the moment. you need to build your mental strength back.


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OfflineSpecimen
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19036610 - 10/26/13 05:07 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Hey man, im glad im not the only one who has gone through this *And survived I might add. Im also glad your going through this as it's a very important part of enlightenment.

Let me first tell you my story and then my hypothesis to your question next.


    At the peak of my 11th birthyear I tried marijuana and had an extreme dissociative experience light headedness and just a total block out from society; I whent downhill from their and tried mushrooms the next year.

    This is the point of no return, I dumbed my brain down from large amounts of pharmaceuticals, triple CCC's and alcohol and suffered a great deal in school because of it. I was like ya know what, im gonna fly to the moon I wanna go so far on this path of drugs so that I can grow up and learn life lessons in my own way; the fast way, which I eventually came to realize was well, the best spiritual and philosophical life experience of my life. This wasn't a single trip that not only changed my persona but my well being as well, this was a conglomerate of high quality psychedelics and ecstasy. A very traumatizing time in my life. About 1 year after doing psychoactive substances for once a week straight I asked myself, why am I doing this? Why on earth are drugs and growing up important to me? Why is it that I have to do anything in society besides clothe, eat drink and etc myself? Why am I apart of a system that I never signed up for? I asked my friend these question and his answer was purely genius in terms of arrogance....

I Dont know, he tells me.

I immediately get frustrated storm home and go to sleep.

When I wake up, things feel wierd; they felt different. Everything changed with one answer, he doesn't know well if someone outside my body doesn't have answer's maybe... I do? I sat down and started thinking and it was in this moment I snapped.

I found that everything, and I mean every extension of reality is a creation of my mind. I doesn't matter what I know and dont know, it doesn't matter why im here why I care and what I do..... The only things that matter are in essence me. I pondered on this thought and it eventually got out of hand, I thought to myself im god and my ego was eventually torn and ripped because of it. It was actually a painful experience because the next time I did mushrooms I experience De-realization or De-Personalization a 3rd person perspective of my body. I sit motion-less in a circle of pot heads just remaining absolutely quiet, I couldn't even respond to my friends. I would make eye contact and think "I love this person with all of my heart, thank you." But I wouldn't talk, to say the least my friends were frightened and so was I. The following morning I wake up and apologize for being silly and head home. It's when im on the way home i feel different. My body seemed... Distant.

I was in shotgun passenger and I was looking out the window, though I wasn't seeing, I was feeling out the window and thinking of seeing it. At this time I was look not down at my body, but watching it from cornered angles in 3rd person. Some cultures and beliefs call this astral projection which I will go on to talk about later. But I was scared, my parent were driving me home asking me about my day and they didn't even know I smoked pot let alone do a drug they had very little experience with in theyre youth. And I was in simple terms, Paralyzed.

I get home and do what I first think reasonable. Google what the fuck is going on; to my amazement, nothing. I tell my parents I need a doctor, I get one and he sends me to a psychiatrist; who drugs me even more and tells me everything is fine, we will figure out whats wrong soon NOT EVEN KNOWING WHATS WRONG I GET DRUGS..... Benzo's antidepressants and everything bad to your soul.

Around the same time I begin meditating and experiment with lucid dreaming. There are many more pages of this from here on out, pretty much my life story filled with meanings and morals so Ill sum it all up.

"My main task is reestablishing proper identity, controlling my mind, and regaining my past mental state, and simply flowing once more with myself."


My friend, your main task shouldn't be towards re-establishing anything; it should be acceptance of who you are now, and what you WANT to be.

Your mind :smile: You are beautiful, I dont know who you are and I can say this confidently sending shivers up my spine graciously as I type this, you are the predominant controller in not only your own mind but natures mind, gods mind, and those around you as well; you affect everything you touch, everything you say. Butterfly effect. Everywhere; be calm and be patient, just simply enjoy the experience rather then feel uncomfortable, your not alone :smile:

Your mental state will never be the same; your always growing, aging, dying. What you feel is what you get, if you feel different from your past self then you should ask yourself why and really, really, pick yourself apart.

Your flow has rocks and trees in the way maybe even a dam, but you know what; water always finds a way.

"I would just be happy to have a personality and be able to converse properly."

Perhaps you would like to talk? Do you have a microphone I would love to talk with someone who shares similar experiences without typing for an hour and a half. :smile:


By the way, im not re-reading this so information may be scattered or silly sounding.

Stay pure, your a starchild.


--------------------
I wrap words.


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OfflineHyperspacegowoo
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19044634 - 10/28/13 08:00 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I have wonderful news and horrible news.

I recently had a concussion and got my grounding back with myself and body and reestablished flow. I was able to just be and relax. Now I decided to smoke stupidly and then I started digging in my brain and brought up the past. This brought it on worse than ever. I feel the concussion happened for a reason and now I went against the flow once more... I've developed a self hatred for doing so. My thoughts are now even about dumber things and are angry at that. Very hard to hear though and I know my reality is being shifted by them.

Anyways out of it all I know this is just a learning experience, I know I can get out of it as I did without even realizing it, and most of all I know I just need to accept and stop resisting to move forward. Curious if I have to have another hospital visit or how I will be brought back this time. :laugh:


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OfflineSpecimen
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Re: Depersonalization from anxiety [Re: Hyperspacegowoo]
    #19044802 - 10/28/13 09:15 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Your on the right path, sorry @ the concussion.


--------------------
I wrap words.


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