Yesterday I was on alittle shrooms and.i started to smiling to myself I felt angry for some reason, everytime im angry or am about to fight I grin/smile. I looked up on google and found passive aggressive personality disorder.
I'm 18 and feel I am nowhere near to finding who I am, or how to act, or who to be. I know my passive aggressive roots lie from my childhood, my dad was a drunk when was younger, he would get angry and shit I would get scared. He would beat my mum and my sister, calling my mum a slut because my mum cheated on him. But now he's calm but ive never really had that much of a dad and son connection with him even now its just like saying mornin I never share my stuff with them or close. I was always scared of making my dad and mum dissapointed in me as a kid in primary, I was always calm and scared to do things against them, my dad or mum would always tell me what to do, never gave me my choice. My dad would belt me when I would do things wrong, so even now when im 18 I remember this. During secondary I carried on being good, I always tryed my best but still I know im clever but not in the way the school curriculim is run. So over time I started to feel stupid. I would listen in class do my work but still I failed all my tests I was never recognised for being good.
So I just said to myself fuck this nothing of what I do is paying off, why do I keep trying. Then I started getting depression, no emo shit just skipping school not doing my work, feeling unmotivated, then I got curious in trying weed at 16 and been smoking since, then I started losing my friends my friends started to call me a crackhead, everyone in my year saw me as a druggie, i t hurt me but I carried on piling up this anger, then I started getting more depressed till I dropped out of school, still got no friends a loner. Then I started a new college to start fresh I felt motivated, I got a few friends. But I noticed my emotions were now blunted I trust no one now, I cant open up to no one. I keep up this front of being outgoing but deep down I feel like a no one, no future, no friends nothing. Then during the year from not opening up, not knowing how to socilise properly, I started to lose them until I got no friends yet again. Now im just at home depressed but working on it, but have social anxiety but I want to get job but cant get the guts to get a job because I feel if I make friends theyll find the real me which is introverted, staying at home, doing nothing and think im a freak. Im not ugly not trying to be big headed, ive had girls approch me and smile at me, but I just can not open up, they think im weird after a while. I read passive aggresive disorder tendences turn people into serial killers I can defiently see myself becoming one if I really wanted to, but I know its wrong, im scared if carry on like this then I would do this. I also read PAD get abuse substances and are very clever but underachievers all this is me. What can I do?
The main passive aggressive traits I carryare: 1. Fear of Intimacy: I do not trust ANYONE, and I feel like it's ruining me. 2. Feeling Victimised: I always feel like I'm mistreated, or that no one cares for me, no matter how often they say they do. 3. Sulking/Depression: I will sulk and get depressed for no reason. I feel it maybe holding everything in just catching up with me. If anything happens in a situation which doesn't go my way, or if something embarrassing happens to me I'm just quiet and not myself for the rest of the day. Deep down I crave affection, but I just feel like no one cares for me in real life (even though they probably do) and I just want everyone to reach out to me.When then I do hide away and my friends ask me what wrong or why I'm so sad I just give the generic I'm fine response and feign a smile. I feel this whole mindset entirely hinders my relationships with my friends andI don't want to be this person.I need views, or opinions or any feedback on this from any one. My head's a mess.
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I'm in my late 20s and had a fairly similar youth to yours, so I'm speaking from experience when I say:
You shouldn't know shit about yourself at eighteen. Most people don't have a fucking clue at 28 either. The fact that you already recognize this in yourself at your age is positive.
Don't label your current state of being some worthless pop-psych term, you're feeding it and victimizing yourself, which only makes it worse. You are what you decide to be every single morning. Period. If you don't believe me, consider the fact that you decided you were PAD one day and took it seriously enough to come up with this post. I can give you dozens if not hundreds of other labels and diagnoses that you would read the symptoms of and relate to, some would say that you're destined for greatness, some for an asylum.
Your dad sounds like a cunt. Your self depreciation likely comes from him belittling your mom and beating you, not some bullshit PAD. If you don't know what you want to be yet, focus on what you don't want to be - a pathetic cunt like your father.
You shouldn't trust anyone anyway. It is best to have distrust as your default setting, you will know when you meet trustworthy people but it is a rare event in life. A core group of trustworthy friends built up over time will get you much farther down the roads of happiness and success then a bunch of phony people or utilitarian friendships.
If you're really lonely and need a g/f to open up to, get on the internet, find an introverted internet girl (they do exist) and make the best of it. I promise you there are fuckable girls in your area who are socially inept like yourself.
Depression at your age is a sign of intelligence. The cake is a lie and the smart ones see it early. If you fall into other peoples' games you will be miserable your entire life. It starts with classrooms and standardized testing and turns into meeting rooms and spreadsheets. The arrogant fuckhead you didn't like in class becomes the middle manager. Work for yourself, your own way, and prove to yourself and everyone else that you are clever.
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Well all your problems seem to be stemming from your own actions. You lost your friends because you started abusing drugs and not caring. It isn't like you were bullied out of school!
Get up and do something, motivate yourself, find inspiration, find a hobby, paint, bicycle, go on hikes, grow pot, grow shrooms, just be free man. no need to lock yourself behind emotional bars.
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