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InvisibleBallerium
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Registered: 10/03/10
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Sexual Incompatibility
    #18925409 - 10/03/13 11:22 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

So, after 5+ years of being with my boyfriend, I'm slowly coming to the realization that we're more than likely just not sexually compatible.

I want to be totally and completely dominated and that just isn't who he is as a person. I can understand because likewise if someone wanted me to dominate them, I don't think I would be able to just conjure that up for them. It isn't who I am either.

It just really saddens me because I love him so much but lately my thoughts are just consumed with wondering if I'm going to go the rest of my life without having any of my desires fulfilled.

I love him and I don't want to leave him simply because of the sex. I mean we do have sex and it is enjoyable, but it has gotten somewhat repetitive and I feel like I could be so much more turned on and into it than I am right now, and likewise with him.

He has said that he thinks that maybe over time he could become more comfortable with being dominant, but I don't know. This is something I have been bringing up to him for several months now, and almost every time we have sex I end up having to tell him what to do, because its like he has just forgotten. I feel like he should have grasped the concept of what I am looking for by now and that if he hasn't already, it's pretty futile for me to keep trying.

One thing he has mentioned, is that every time we have sex, he feels like I am rattling off a list of chores for him to do, which is a turn off. I don't literally go down a list and say "I want you to do this and this and this"--no, it isn't like that at all IMO. I do mention several things during a session or whatever, but not all at one time. But if I don't verbally tell him what I want, I don't know how else to get him to do it. He asked me to maybe limit my requests to one thing at a time so that he doesn't feel like he has a list of chores to do. I feel like that's just fucking silly. For instance, if I want him to get on top of me and pin me down, that's cool, but if I also want my breasts to be grabbed and squeezed so hard that it almost hurts, but not quite, then oh, that's too much? Or if I want him to talk dirty to me while he's doing those things, nope, that's another demand, and has to wait until next time? What, I only get one wild card per sex session? I just don't fucking understand and it is frustrating me to the point of tears. Why can't he grasp what I want and just do it? Why should I have to show him one thing at a time and hope that maybe eventually he'll put it all together? Can a person really be that clueless? I've told him and shown him countless times but he just doesn't seem to get it. He's had months to put it all together now and he still doesn't do it.

He's also said that when he's on top of me/being rough with me/whatever, that he has to concentrate really hard on not cumming, which kind of takes the fun out of it for him. Maybe I'm the stupid one here and maybe there's something that I'm not getting, but I know just from reading this forum that there are plenty of guys who like to dominate their girls, and enjoy it. Are you guys constantly focusing on not cumming? I want him to actually relax and enjoy the sex, not be constantly worrying about whether or not he is going to cum. Is this a problem that all guys have but is just never talked about? How do some of you go at it for hours without cumming? Or do you cum multiple times? And if you do, how do you maintain the energy and desire to continue having sex after you've came? I feel like once my boyfriend cums, that's it. He's out like a light and he's not going to be exerting any energy to get it back up again, which is kind of a turn off for me because it makes me feel like I'm somehow inadequate at getting it up for him. There's only so long I can suck on a limp cock/stroke it/etc before I start thinking well, this just isn't going to happen again, and then at that point I just give up.

We're also each other's first and only sexual partners. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and maybe I am the one that's the problem. I've also tried asking him what his turn ons are and such, and its like he just doesn't have any. The only thing that turns him on, according to him, is for direct attention to be given to his cock. I don't know, but it just blows my mind. Men are visual creatures, so shouldn't looking at me turn him on? If I dress up in some sexy outfit for him, which I love to do, shouldn't that do anything at all? I just thought that most people had some kind of fetish or something special that they liked that turned them on. I've never heard of someone saying that the only thing that really gets them going is to have their cock touched. I mean that's a no brainer, of course physical stimulation is going to turn someone on. I can't see how a guy wouldn't get hard by having his cock stroked, unless it was a hideously ugly woman, or some kind of rape situation or something, I don't know.

From what I have already mentioned, is there anything that I can do differently? Am I being insensitive? Too demanding? Too impatient?

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation and if you were, what did you do that worked for you?

I'm feeling pretty hopeless about this whole thing. :sad:


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Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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OfflineNabuca
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Registered: 03/21/13
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925433 - 10/03/13 11:32 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

It takes time. I was uncomfortable being rough with women during sex, but now, especially with my last ex, she was getting dominated hard all the time.

While I've had issues a time or two where I couldn't help coming, usually when we tried something new that was a big turn on, I found the opposite was the way to deal with. That is, don't concentrate on anything. I try to just clear my mind, because thinking about what was going on, or cumming, or not cumming, would just make me get off faster. I put my mind into what I wanted her to feel, and blanked out what I was feeling, and have literally been able to keep it up for over 90 minutes this way.

There are also different activities you can do to help. Not sure how rough or dom you go, but I find some activities are a workout, and I almost don't have time to think about coming in the middle. Makes it bigger when I get to the end and can let go. The anticipation builds, so to speak.

All of this is super generic, obviously, since I don't really know your specific situation, and don't want to end up cluttering your thread with examples that sound like BDSM porn. Haha.


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925444 - 10/03/13 11:37 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Not sure Ball, but , if you are still having these thoughts after 5 years, perhaps it is time to change things up a little....not saying change partners. But, if he has premature ejac probs...perhaps bring some toys into the game...maybe then, he could concentrate more on pleasing you without any penetration. Honestly, he may enjoy this himself as turning a partner on from a male perspective is very satisfying.Then, when you have achieved your Shangrala...he can finish himself.....win/win:shrug:

Sounds like you really love the guy and that, to me means a shit ton.That has always been the basis for my most mutually satisfying sex.
Good luck and :peace:


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Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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InvisibleBallerium
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Registered: 10/03/10
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #18925512 - 10/03/13 11:56 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Nabuca said:
It takes time. I was uncomfortable being rough with women during sex, but now, especially with my last ex, she was getting dominated hard all the time.




Yes, and that isn't the first time I have read/heard that, about the guy just not feeling comfortable being rough with a girl for being afraid of hurting her or going too far, etc. But I've told him so many times that if he goes to far or hurts me, I will let him know. I'm not going to just burst into a fit of tears after its over and done with and start bawling about how he hurt me. I WANT to relinquish the power and control to him and I trust him. I just don't know how else to make him see that. I guess like you said, its going to take time and there's nothing else I can really do that will help.

Quote:

Nabuca said:
While I've had issues a time or two where I couldn't help coming, usually when we tried something new that was a big turn on, I found the opposite was the way to deal with. That is, don't concentrate on anything. I try to just clear my mind, because thinking about what was going on, or cumming, or not cumming, would just make me get off faster. I put my mind into what I wanted her to feel, and blanked out what I was feeling, and have literally been able to keep it up for over 90 minutes this way.




That sounds like a good idea to try, and I'll definitely suggest that to him. I honestly don't know if he has the physical stamina to continue going at it for that long. Because you're right, sex is a workout and when he is on top of me or another position where he's the one doing the most of the work, there comes a point where he just gives out and has to take a break. I understand that, and I certainly don't want him to just pass out on top of me or something haha.

But every time we have to take a break like that, it just prolongs my own orgasm because it takes a long time for me to get off. I can only get off in a very specific way, and that is by grinding my clit hard against something. I would love to be able to get off in other ways, and I got VERY close once to having a g-spot orgasm, but it took a long time of him just fucking me over and over in a certain position, and every time since then that we have tried, he has gave out physically before I even got close to cumming. :shrug:

Quote:

baltimark said:
Not sure Ball, but , if you are still having these thoughts after 5 years, perhaps it is time to change things up a little....not saying change partners. But, if he has premature ejac probs...perhaps bring some toys into the game...maybe then, he could concentrate more on pleasing you without any penetration. Honestly, he may enjoy this himself as turning a partner on from a male perspective is very satisfying.Then, when you have achieved your Shangrala...he can finish himself.....win/win:shrug:




Toys are something we've actually never used, so that's definitely another idea that I will consider. I've also considered getting him a cock ring to maybe help prolong his ejaculation. He just doesn't seem too gung ho about any of that kind of stuff whenever I bring it up, so I kind of just put it on the backburner thinking it wouldn't matter either way, since he didn't seem too enthusiastic. Honestly though, I don't think it would do much for him or turn him on to give me any pleasure. He hates any kind of teasing. He doesn't like kissing. He doesn't like to take his time and be sensual and touch me all over. He says foreplay bores him and just tortures him because he's hard and ready to go and I'm not yet. So I don't know, I kind of feel like your suggestion about toys might backfire for that reason. :sad:

I think there's a lot more going on than just the fact that he doesn't want to be dominant towards me, like him not being turned on by seeing me getting turned on. I don't know, I just can't grasp the concept. I thought this was how guys are. I thought looking at women turned them on. I thought touching them and playing with them and making them wet turned them on. I've never heard of a guy who just plain out hated foreplay. Maybe with a one night stand with some random girl you met at a bar, because you just want to fuck that girl. But with someone who you're emotionally invested in and care about, wouldn't it be a huge turn on to see THEM being turned on by something that you are doing to them? Ugh, I don't know.


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Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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Anonymous #1

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925549 - 10/03/13 12:02 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

It sounds as if sheer sex drive is part of the issue.

If you bf is able to control when he comes by concentrating, etc., then I tend to think that if he'd simply have more sex, that coming quickly wouldn't be so much of a problem.

And if dominating you makes him need to come, well, it sounds like he gets off on it.

If you'd simply go at it more often, I imagine that you'd both find it more enjoyable.

But it doesn't sound like he's interested in fucking that much.

(I write as someone who both needs to concentrate to hold back orgasm when I'm not "in practice" and as someone who occasionally conks the fuck out right after sex.)


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InvisibleEdibleStereos
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #18925629 - 10/03/13 12:22 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Take it from a man, stop telling him what to do in the bed verbally. Get him a bit drunk and tell him to have his way with you. Get his confidence up in the sack, and get him familiar with getting rough without you telling him what to do. Let him explore a bit.

If this doesn't bring out his dominating side, then my services can be made available.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925698 - 10/03/13 12:40 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
He's also said that when he's on top of me/being rough with me/whatever, that he has to concentrate really hard on not cumming, which kind of takes the fun out of it for him. Maybe I'm the stupid one here and maybe there's something that I'm not getting, but I know just from reading this forum that there are plenty of guys who like to dominate their girls, and enjoy it. Are you guys constantly focusing on not cumming? I want him to actually relax and enjoy the sex, not be constantly worrying about whether or not he is going to cum. Is this a problem that all guys have but is just never talked about? How do some of you go at it for hours without cumming?



Most guys are not pornstars.  The average length of penetrative sex is around 5 minutes.  Being on top is by far the most difficult  position for me as well because as you are thrusting it is much harder to relax the pelvic floor muscles which is what you need to do to avoid cumming.  He could practice kegels / reverse kegels and towel raises.  That will certainly help, as will practice (more sex).  Don't expect him to become a pornstar who can go for hours without cumming though.  That is just not realistic for the vast majority of men.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #2] * 1
    #18925725 - 10/03/13 12:48 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

You should call Dan Savage and leave a message for him to answer on his podcast. This question is right up his alley, and then we could hear your voice! I know other shroomerites have had their questions answered that way.

Here's the number: 206-201-2720


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NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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OfflineBlack_Sunset
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18925734 - 10/03/13 12:50 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Sounds like you guys need to spice it up outside of the bed room. Go on a hot date and do something fun and exciting and maybe even a little bit naughty. Sounds like he is bored and doesn't care


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InvisibleEdibleStereos
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18925739 - 10/03/13 12:52 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Ballerium said:
He's also said that when he's on top of me/being rough with me/whatever, that he has to concentrate really hard on not cumming, which kind of takes the fun out of it for him. Maybe I'm the stupid one here and maybe there's something that I'm not getting, but I know just from reading this forum that there are plenty of guys who like to dominate their girls, and enjoy it. Are you guys constantly focusing on not cumming? I want him to actually relax and enjoy the sex, not be constantly worrying about whether or not he is going to cum. Is this a problem that all guys have but is just never talked about? How do some of you go at it for hours without cumming?



Most guys are not pornstars.  The average length of penetrative sex is around 5 minutes.  Being on top is by far the most difficult  position for me as well because as you are thrusting it is much harder to relax the pelvic floor muscles which is what you need to do to avoid cumming.  He could practice kegels / reverse kegels and towel raises.  That will certainly help, as will practice (more sex).  Don't expect him to become a pornstar who can go for hours without cumming though.  That is just not realistic for the vast majority of men.





Kegels are awesome, you can bust a load so far.

Also, if a guy is worried about coming too earlier, get her off first, much it or get the clit and gspot going with youur hands. That way she is happy, and you are less nervous about busting quick. And if you do bust quick still. She's already gotten off, youve gotten off, scores tied, and gives you a few minutes to get her off again until youre ready for your round 2.


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: EdibleStereos]
    #18925824 - 10/03/13 01:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
It sounds as if sheer sex drive is part of the issue.




I think it is. I've discussed this with him before and we've basically just come to the conclusion that I have a higher sex drive than he does. We only have sex maybe 3 or 4 times a week. The rest of the time I masturbate, or I'll give him oral and then go get myself off later, because he's "too tired" to have sex. Yet not too tired to receive a blowjob. :rolleyes:

It doesn't help that we are living with my parents, and have been for the majority of the time that we have been together. I don't really want to get into all that because its just financial issues and stuff that we are working on, but I know it is having an effect on our sex life because we can't be spontaneous and have sex whenever we would like. We have to either do it in the morning before either one of us gets up and announces to the household that we are awake :rolleyes: or we have to wait until everyone else has gone to bed, and usually it ends up being put off until time for us to go to bed. He's wrapped up in his video games, his reddit, his youtube videos, whatever, and I'm not going to make a fool of myself trying to distract him only to be turned down or told "in a minute". Fuck that shit. If he wants it, he can come and get it, and that's basically my mentality as of late. :shrug: I realize I need to make an effort and try to let him know that I want sex, but I guess my resentment towards him because of the above mentioned stuff is keeping me from it. If I knew he'd reciprocate, I'd be more likely to initiate.

But all that aside, even when we did move out and get an apartment for about ~6 months, his sex drive didn't suddenly explode because we had freedom. It still remained about the same as it always had been.

Quote:

If you'd simply go at it more often, I imagine that you'd both find it more enjoyable.




Not really. I find that the more often we have sex, the less into it he seems to be. Its as if his appetite has already been satisfied, and he's kind of just there for the ride. I don't want to be a bitch and withhold sex from him, but I find that on the week of my period for instance, when he refuses to have sex with me, that by the time my period is over, he's practically begging for it. I LOVE it when he wants it that bad. I want him to ALWAYS want it that bad, I just don't want to have to go a week without it for it to get to that point.

Quote:

EdibleStereos said:
Take it from a man, stop telling him what to do in the bed verbally. Get him a bit drunk and tell him to have his way with you. Get his confidence up in the sack, and get him familiar with getting rough without you telling him what to do. Let him explore a bit.




We've had drunken sex plenty of times, and it doesn't matter if he's sober or not, when I tell him to have his way with me, he doesn't do it. Instead, he asks me what I mean by "have his way with me". That's one of the things that frustrates me so much. I can't relinquish control to him if I'm the one calling the shots. I don't want him asking me "Do you want to change positions now?" or "Do you want this or that?" Sometimes I just want to shake him and scream at him and tell him "I don't fucking care what you do to me, I just want you to do SOMETHING and PLEASE do not ask me what to do!" :mad2:

And I have told him that before, in much nicer words. I'd never scream at him over that. But whenever I do tell him that I want him to do whatever he wants, he retorts with "Well if I am going to do what I want to do, then I'm just going to cum in you. Because that's what I want." So its like what the fuck, why are we even having sex at all then.

Another thing regarding alcohol--he's an angry drunk. The last few times he has been drunk have not ended well. It has ended with us getting in arguments, me leaving the room in tears and going to sleep somewhere else because he upset me so much. So I'm honestly a little fearful of trying to get him super drunk. :frown:

I would like to respond to what everyone else said but I have somewhere I have to go so it'll have to wait until I get back. But I appreciate everyone's responses and advice so far. :sun:


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Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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Offlineempty space
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925882 - 10/03/13 01:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
And I have told him that before, in much nicer words. I'd never scream at him over that. But whenever I do tell him that I want him to do whatever he wants, he retorts with "Well if I am going to do what I want to do, then I'm just going to cum in you. Because that's what I want." So its like what the fuck, why are we even having sex at all then.



He has no desire to pleasure you, only himself. He doesn't want to pleasure you. He isn't interested.

I think the problem here is not sexual incompatibility. Sexual incompatibility is a symptom of the problem.

I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 1/2 years. The last year grew incredibly stale and we both resented each other on a regular basis. Interactions lessened as they grew less positive. I started spending all of my time distracting myself from my relationship. When we would have sex, she would try to finish me as quickly as possible so she could just be done, no matter how badly I wanted to pleasure her. It just kept going downhill until she left me for my best friend.

I'd suggest that you sit down with your man and have a serious conversation about the future of your relationship.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925892 - 10/03/13 01:28 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
And I have told him that before, in much nicer words. I'd never scream at him over that. But whenever I do tell him that I want him to do whatever he wants, he retorts with "Well if I am going to do what I want to do, then I'm just going to cum in you. Because that's what I want." So its like what the fuck, why are we even having sex at all then.



Wow.  This right here sounds like crux of ALL of your issues.  He sounds like a selfish prick.  There's not much you can do if this guy clearly is only EVER thinking about himself.

You say you love him, but your relationship sounds very unhealthy.  I think you need to really sit down and evaluate why you are in the relationship at all and why it is you love him.  Frankly, it doesn't sound like that love is truly reciprocated.


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OfflineNabuca
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925910 - 10/03/13 01:32 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:


Not really. I find that the more often we have sex, the less into it he seems to be. Its as if his appetite has already been satisfied, and he's kind of just there for the ride. I don't want to be a bitch and withhold sex from him, but I find that on the week of my period for instance, when he refuses to have sex with me, that by the time my period is over, he's practically begging for it. I LOVE it when he wants it that bad. I want him to ALWAYS want it that bad, I just don't want to have to go a week without it for it to get to that point.






If you have the patience for it, you might find that you can train up his tolerance a little by teasing him for an extended time. It was one of the biggest things me and my ex did to help me get to where we finally were happy.

We pretty much went about 3 and a half weeks without me actually getting off. About a dozen times a day she would rub it, or suck it, until I was about to blow, then we would stop cold. I would get her off with me fingers or tongue, then she would repeat but stop before I finished.

It seems counter intuitive at first, because the teasing will make him eager to get off...but after the first couple weeks, it instead started to push my tolerance way up. I could get hard longer, no matter what was going on, probably because I was used to not finishing. It also had the added effect of me going wild when we finally decided to finish, and tearing her up all night. I was getting hard longer, but also getting that animalistic lust built up. Towards the end she was cuffing me down to keep me from just taking her when she teased. Mission accomplished.


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Offlinepsyconaught
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18925935 - 10/03/13 01:38 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i think your understandably upset. it sounds like he just doesnt have much of a sex drive at all like others has pointed out. Two specific things i wanted to mention though, as far as him having to concentrate on not cumming, its not really that un common. sometimes my girl will start teasing me the second we wake up and not actually do anything to get me off until late that night just to be a tease and get me really worked up (i love it haha) and by the time we do start things i have to concentrate alot to not cum right away. In most situations though and hour to an hour and a half is normal. And someone mentioned for you to not tell him what to do, i would disagree (though obviously it comes down to personal preference with the two of you), i actually like when my girl screams out in pleasuring telling me what to do. It shows how much she really wants it and that turns me on a lot. I'm also usually extremely dominant with her and this doesnt create an issue. But then again im not asking her what she wants, i'll have my way and if theres something she want i'll make her beg for it :smirk:


But many others have pointed out that it honestly seems like he just doesn't care about getting you off. And i am not trying to be an ass, thats just really how is seems unfortunately. i think its best advised that you sit down and have a serious conversation about your relationship


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InvisibleEdibleStereos
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: psyconaught]
    #18925973 - 10/03/13 01:47 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Yeah, with the new information ill agree, doesnt seem like any sexually compatibility will come.

Are you hot OP?

Damn, that guy is a sucker though, having a woman tell him do whatever he wants and he doesnt capitalize on that. Those were always the funnest times. :awesomenod:


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: pwnasaurus]
    #18925991 - 10/03/13 01:51 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

pwnasaurus said:
Quote:

Ballerium said:
And I have told him that before, in much nicer words. I'd never scream at him over that. But whenever I do tell him that I want him to do whatever he wants, he retorts with "Well if I am going to do what I want to do, then I'm just going to cum in you. Because that's what I want." So its like what the fuck, why are we even having sex at all then.



Wow.  This right here sounds like crux of ALL of your issues.  He sounds like a selfish prick.  There's not much you can do if this guy clearly is only EVER thinking about himself.

You say you love him, but your relationship sounds very unhealthy.  I think you need to really sit down and evaluate why you are in the relationship at all and why it is you love him.  Frankly, it doesn't sound like that love is truly reciprocated.




Yeah this. Ballerium you already know what you have to do..


--------------------
Yes this is tymo - I just changed my name

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Offlinekoods
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18926003 - 10/03/13 01:54 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

tymoteusz3 said:
Quote:

pwnasaurus said:
Quote:

Ballerium said:
And I have told him that before, in much nicer words. I'd never scream at him over that. But whenever I do tell him that I want him to do whatever he wants, he retorts with "Well if I am going to do what I want to do, then I'm just going to cum in you. Because that's what I want." So its like what the fuck, why are we even having sex at all then.



Wow.  This right here sounds like crux of ALL of your issues.  He sounds like a selfish prick.  There's not much you can do if this guy clearly is only EVER thinking about himself.

You say you love him, but your relationship sounds very unhealthy.  I think you need to really sit down and evaluate why you are in the relationship at all and why it is you love him.  Frankly, it doesn't sound like that love is truly reciprocated.




Yeah this. Ballerium you already know what you have to do..




I dunno. He may be feeling emasculated, and saying stuff like that because he is overly sensitive.


--------------------
NotSheekle said
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InvisibleMe_Roy
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18926009 - 10/03/13 01:57 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
It sounds as if sheer sex drive is part of the issue.




I think it is. I've discussed this with him before and we've basically just come to the conclusion that I have a higher sex drive than he does. We only have sex maybe 3 or 4 times a week. The rest of the time I masturbate, or I'll give him oral and then go get myself off later, because he's "too tired" to have sex. Yet not too tired to receive a blowjob. :rolleyes:






You might want to withhold those BJs to avoid diminishing his sex drive w/o anything in it for you.


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Offlinepsyconaught
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: EdibleStereos]
    #18926012 - 10/03/13 01:58 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

EdibleStereos said:
Yeah, with the new information ill agree, doesnt seem like any sexually compatibility will come.

Are you hot OP?

Damn, that guy is a sucker though, having a woman tell him do whatever he wants and he doesnt capitalize on that. Those were always the funnest times. :awesomenod:



check out the sexy ladies thread. Ball is VERY hot :solidnod: that guy doesnt know what he's missing out on


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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: psyconaught]
    #18926049 - 10/03/13 02:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

psyconaught said:

check out the sexy ladies thread. Ball is VERY hot :solidnod: that guy doesnt know what he's missing out on





QFT. I would keep one of my sets of bondage straps open for Ball any day. Her looks aren't the issue there.


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Nabuca]
    #18926249 - 10/03/13 02:55 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

This is actually an interesting and mature discussion. I can't say I have anything to add, just wanted to give a thumbs up for a good thread :thumbup:


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: bloodsheen]
    #18926259 - 10/03/13 02:58 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Can someone link me to some photos of this lady? Lets see what the wasted sexual potential is.


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Offlineitchmynipple
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18926377 - 10/03/13 03:26 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
So, after 5+ years of being with my boyfriend, I'm slowly coming to the realization that we're more than likely just not sexually compatible.

I want to be totally and completely dominated and that just isn't who he is as a person. I can understand because likewise if someone wanted me to dominate them, I don't think I would be able to just conjure that up for them. It isn't who I am either.

It just really saddens me because I love him so much but lately my thoughts are just consumed with wondering if I'm going to go the rest of my life without having any of my desires fulfilled.

I love him and I don't want to leave him simply because of the sex. I mean we do have sex and it is enjoyable, but it has gotten somewhat repetitive and I feel like I could be so much more turned on and into it than I am right now, and likewise with him.

He has said that he thinks that maybe over time he could become more comfortable with being dominant, but I don't know. This is something I have been bringing up to him for several months now, and almost every time we have sex I end up having to tell him what to do, because its like he has just forgotten. I feel like he should have grasped the concept of what I am looking for by now and that if he hasn't already, it's pretty futile for me to keep trying.

One thing he has mentioned, is that every time we have sex, he feels like I am rattling off a list of chores for him to do, which is a turn off. I don't literally go down a list and say "I want you to do this and this and this"--no, it isn't like that at all IMO. I do mention several things during a session or whatever, but not all at one time. But if I don't verbally tell him what I want, I don't know how else to get him to do it. He asked me to maybe limit my requests to one thing at a time so that he doesn't feel like he has a list of chores to do. I feel like that's just fucking silly. For instance, if I want him to get on top of me and pin me down, that's cool, but if I also want my breasts to be grabbed and squeezed so hard that it almost hurts, but not quite, then oh, that's too much? Or if I want him to talk dirty to me while he's doing those things, nope, that's another demand, and has to wait until next time? What, I only get one wild card per sex session? I just don't fucking understand and it is frustrating me to the point of tears. Why can't he grasp what I want and just do it? Why should I have to show him one thing at a time and hope that maybe eventually he'll put it all together? Can a person really be that clueless? I've told him and shown him countless times but he just doesn't seem to get it. He's had months to put it all together now and he still doesn't do it.

He's also said that when he's on top of me/being rough with me/whatever, that he has to concentrate really hard on not cumming, which kind of takes the fun out of it for him. Maybe I'm the stupid one here and maybe there's something that I'm not getting, but I know just from reading this forum that there are plenty of guys who like to dominate their girls, and enjoy it. Are you guys constantly focusing on not cumming? I want him to actually relax and enjoy the sex, not be constantly worrying about whether or not he is going to cum. Is this a problem that all guys have but is just never talked about? How do some of you go at it for hours without cumming? Or do you cum multiple times? And if you do, how do you maintain the energy and desire to continue having sex after you've came? I feel like once my boyfriend cums, that's it. He's out like a light and he's not going to be exerting any energy to get it back up again, which is kind of a turn off for me because it makes me feel like I'm somehow inadequate at getting it up for him. There's only so long I can suck on a limp cock/stroke it/etc before I start thinking well, this just isn't going to happen again, and then at that point I just give up.

We're also each other's first and only sexual partners. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and maybe I am the one that's the problem. I've also tried asking him what his turn ons are and such, and its like he just doesn't have any. The only thing that turns him on, according to him, is for direct attention to be given to his cock. I don't know, but it just blows my mind. Men are visual creatures, so shouldn't looking at me turn him on? If I dress up in some sexy outfit for him, which I love to do, shouldn't that do anything at all? I just thought that most people had some kind of fetish or something special that they liked that turned them on. I've never heard of someone saying that the only thing that really gets them going is to have their cock touched. I mean that's a no brainer, of course physical stimulation is going to turn someone on. I can't see how a guy wouldn't get hard by having his cock stroked, unless it was a hideously ugly woman, or some kind of rape situation or something, I don't know.

From what I have already mentioned, is there anything that I can do differently? Am I being insensitive? Too demanding? Too impatient?

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation and if you were, what did you do that worked for you?

I'm feeling pretty hopeless about this whole thing. :sad:




unfortunately sounds like you two aren't compatible at the moment. fortunately if you play the right cards you can get him to be more dominating. most likely he has a insecurity that preventing him from being comfortable in dominating or he's just not into it. in my experience, i want to dominate and at times i want to be dominated. sometimes more being dominated, sometimes more dominating to her. but overall, i think if you love him you will make it work! personally, sex isn't the deciding factor in a relationship for me. im a guy though, and as a guy i like being on both ends, dominating and being dominated.

maybe he likes kinky things like licking ass...  i know alot of guys do and are afraid to admit it, but its one of the most dominating experiences when you man handle a girls ass and body n lick away, given she is clean out the shower/bathroom.

its also amazing when your girl dominates you with her ass and puts her ass/vag on your mouth while your laying on your back, n then sometimes pulls away n teases you,, yummy , sorry i just got carried away


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OfflineGreySatyr
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: itchmynipple]
    #18927502 - 10/03/13 07:18 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Yes, this is a common problem. Out of my past three sex partners, I found that I only enjoyed sex with one of them. The other two were just boring sexually. The first one didn't do ANYTHING right except give me awesome BJs and she was just a chore to fuck. The second was just alright but not adventurous enough and she never lasted long enough or wanted to continue aftter she came.The third was awesome! I also like to be dominant and I last for hours upon hours. From reading on this site though, I am one of the very few lucky guys who don't cum soon. I'm not trying to blow my own horn. But I've talked to many women and MOST are just not satisfied in bed with any men that they've slept with, it's really kinda sad. It's hard to find a good match in and out of bed. Even harder findin one that fits both categories.


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: itchmynipple]
    #18927505 - 10/03/13 07:18 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Hmm I disagree - sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. Judging from Ballerium's past posts on the matter things are not going to magically get better. If you want change you have to make it and imo that involves breaking it off. If it was just this I might give other advice but from past posts it is all part of recurring theme. He doesn't really sound that mature, especially given that he doesn't seem to put any effort into pleasing his partner.


--------------------
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Offlineitchmynipple
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: GreySatyr]
    #18927648 - 10/03/13 07:39 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

GreyMorph said:
Yes, this is a common problem. Out of my past three sex partners, I found that I only enjoyed sex with one of them. The other two were just boring sexually. The first one didn't do ANYTHING right except give me awesome BJs and she was just a chore to fuck. The second was just alright but not adventurous enough and she never lasted long enough or wanted to continue aftter she came.The third was awesome! I also like to be dominant and I last for hours upon hours. From reading on this site though, I am one of the very few lucky guys who don't cum soon. I'm not trying to blow my own horn. But I've talked to many women and MOST are just not satisfied in bed with any men that they've slept with, it's really kinda sad. It's hard to find a good match in and out of bed. Even harder findin one that fits both categories.




most of it has to do with false expectations, n bad communication..

realistically there are some things people dont like to do. realistically, im fine with doing it for the girl i love and want to be with, i can't control and she can't control what she likes. but i love her, so im choosing to partake and be open in what she likes, n in a cute way its all good as long as later on we get a cuddling session :grin:

regardless, i think different' moods call for different sex... different situations and such, if im stressed out... expect me to dominate you and to smack that ass so fuckin hard


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Nabuca]
    #18928189 - 10/03/13 09:24 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Most guys are not pornstars.  The average length of penetrative sex is around 5 minutes.  Being on top is by far the most difficult  position for me as well because as you are thrusting it is much harder to relax the pelvic floor muscles which is what you need to do to avoid cumming.  He could practice kegels / reverse kegels and towel raises.  That will certainly help, as will practice (more sex).  Don't expect him to become a pornstar who can go for hours without cumming though.  That is just not realistic for the vast majority of men.




I realize that most guys are not porn stars, and I don't expect him to be one either. I guess "going for hours" was not the best example to use, though I have heard and read on here even of some guys going for that amount of time, but I realize that isn't the norm. Most of our sex sessions probably last around 30 minutes total. I'm fine with that some of the time, but other times I want the foreplay and the teasing and I would like for both of us to finish more than once even, which is something else neither of us have ever done.

Also thanks for that explanation about being on top being difficult--I did not know that. I will also mention to him about the kegels. :thumbup:

Quote:

Black_Sunset said:
Sounds like you guys need to spice it up outside of the bed room. Go on a hot date and do something fun and exciting and maybe even a little bit naughty. Sounds like he is bored and doesn't care




Quote:

EdibleStereos said:
Kegels are awesome, you can bust a load so far.

Also, if a guy is worried about coming too earlier, get her off first, much it or get the clit and gspot going with youur hands. That way she is happy, and you are less nervous about busting quick. And if you do bust quick still. She's already gotten off, youve gotten off, scores tied, and gives you a few minutes to get her off again until youre ready for your round 2.




Quote:

Nabuca said:
If you have the patience for it, you might find that you can train up his tolerance a little by teasing him for an extended time. It was one of the biggest things me and my ex did to help me get to where we finally were happy.

We pretty much went about 3 and a half weeks without me actually getting off. About a dozen times a day she would rub it, or suck it, until I was about to blow, then we would stop cold. I would get her off with me fingers or tongue, then she would repeat but stop before I finished.

It seems counter intuitive at first, because the teasing will make him eager to get off...but after the first couple weeks, it instead started to push my tolerance way up. I could get hard longer, no matter what was going on, probably because I was used to not finishing. It also had the added effect of me going wild when we finally decided to finish, and tearing her up all night. I was getting hard longer, but also getting that animalistic lust built up. Towards the end she was cuffing me down to keep me from just taking her when she teased. Mission accomplished.




Thanks, these are all good ideas that I will bring up to him. We have already been discussing this off and on all day today, and he is aware that I made this thread. I have been telling him the things that you all have said and the suggestions you have made and he seems willing to be more open and try some of these things. He seemed kind of reluctant to do the whole 3 and a half weeks without getting off, but I can't say I blame him, that's kinda steep lol.

You guys have all given me a lot of good advice though which I appreciate. I wasn't expecting so many replies and I plan to reply more once I have finished reading through everything. Just wanted to give an update that I had tried discussing this with him again this afternoon and that at least I got a positive response from him--that being, he is willing to try some of you guys' suggestions. I was also pleasantly surprised that he wasn't mad at me for making this thread, which I assumed he would be, so that's another good start.

I think some of the problems may be our communication--the way in which I went about telling him what I wanted may have been making him feel inadequate and emasculated. I also think maybe I am not giving enough positive reinforcement when he does something that I like. I thought I was, by being louder and more vocal when he would do the things that I like, but from what he tells me, that alone isn't making it clear enough for him. So there are definitely things that I could do better too, and I am definitely willing to try them if he is.

And those of you who are saying I need to break it off with him, I am sure are probably getting tired of seeing me mention this stuff. I know I've brought it up in several other threads before, but I am stubborn, and I don't wish to give up so easily. I do feel like he loves me--he has stuck around for this long and over the past month or so I feel like we have been making improvements with our relationship in general. I know me making this thread probably doesn't make it look that way, but I feel like we have. We were able to discuss all the stuff I've talked about in this thread today without getting frustrated with one another, and I did feel like he genuinely cared when we were talking about it. If anyone has paid attention to the things I have said in the past, this is already a big step for us, as most of the time when we try to discuss anything, it explodes into a huge argument. So I appreciate the advice and I know breaking it off is what a lot of people would do, but I love him and I have invested a lot of time with him, so I'm going to continue to try as long as things seem to be gradually improving like they are now. :sun:


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



Edited by Ballerium (10/03/13 09:26 PM)


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Anonymous #3

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18928213 - 10/03/13 09:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

well if you love him don't second guess him. with that said, goodluck

i would marry a girl if she was in a wheelchair - she has to be a beautiful person though to me. maybe im just more open to things like that


Edited by Anonymous (10/03/13 09:28 PM)


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Anonymous #4

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #18928755 - 10/03/13 11:01 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

my opinion is that you dont sound very happy. and it seems like your bf might have some barriers intimately towards you. whats causing that could be a number of things. all of em arent very positive. it could be anything from selfishness or personal to mutual as maybe the relationship has grown stagnite.


i will say after 5 years your bf should know how to make you orgasm by instinct, thats not good. im surprised he hasnt lost you already actually.

in my honest opinion, if the sex isnt really good the 1st couple times you hook up with someone then its most likely not gonna be that awesome and it probably isnt true love. thats just how i see it when it comes to great sex in a relationship.

basically it all comes down to if youre not happy then its time for a change. seems like youre young and growing still so im sure you have have plenty of time to find happiness. another thing, good love is just really hard to find and patience and wisdom is the key to unlocking it. IMO


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Offlineitsthedank
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18929056 - 10/04/13 12:09 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

We're also each other's first and only sexual partners.



This could be a problem, but I'm a romantic so I believe in true love and all that shit:tongue2:

I think, one night you should dominate the FUCK out of him. Just take TOTAL and complete control and show him what you would like done to you sometimes. Spice that shit up girl! You got it, flaunt it. I'm sure that foo will LOVE it!

I'll read rest of the thread when I be more sober:tongue2:


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InvisibleJesusGoneRogue
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18929336 - 10/04/13 02:00 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

i know it hurts but your relationship with him is "done". you will never feel content and at peace until you follow your heart's truest desires. sorry bal. i really hope you find a solution.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium] * 3
    #18930063 - 10/04/13 08:10 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
One thing he has mentioned, is that every time we have sex, he feels like I am rattling off a list of chores for him to do, which is a turn off. I don't literally go down a list and say "I want you to do this and this and this"--no, it isn't like that at all IMO. I do mention several things during a session or whatever, but not all at one time. But if I don't verbally tell him what I want, I don't know how else to get him to do it. He asked me to maybe limit my requests to one thing at a time so that he doesn't feel like he has a list of chores to do. I feel like that's just fucking silly. For instance, if I want him to get on top of me and pin me down, that's cool, but if I also want my breasts to be grabbed and squeezed so hard that it almost hurts, but not quite, then oh, that's too much? Or if I want him to talk dirty to me while he's doing those things, nope, that's another demand, and has to wait until next time? What, I only get one wild card per sex session? I just don't fucking understand and it is frustrating me to the point of tears. Why can't he grasp what I want and just do it? Why should I have to show him one thing at a time and hope that maybe eventually he'll put it all together? Can a person really be that clueless? I've told him and shown him countless times but he just doesn't seem to get it. He's had months to put it all together now and he still doesn't do it.

From what I have already mentioned, is there anything that I can do differently? Am I being insensitive? Too demanding? Too impatient?

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation and if you were, what did you do that worked for you?





Well, I can't speak for him, but perhaps I can share an anecdotal story.

I was sexually abused when I was a very young child, by multiple people. A pastor, and a babysitter.
I also witnessed my mom being abused by my dad a lot when I was younger.

I never realized how much this effected me until much later. 

My first really serious girlfriend, always wanted to "spice up" our sex life, although it was great and I made her cum every time.. she wanted more. That made me feel terrible... like what? Our sex isn't already amazing? I'm not already good enough for you?
She demanded to be dominated hard, she demanded I talk dirty to her while having sex. That was an INSTANT turn off, like from raging hard on to limp status.

I couldn't even bring myself to talk dirty to her. It felt wrong. It felt like abuse.
It was like I was reliving those traumatic experiences. I tried it a couple times to appease her, and I felt like a dirty piece of shit.
She wanted me to say things like call her a whore, like in the heat of the moment kind of things. That felt completely wrong to me. That's not love? And that's not the type of person I am, she was asking me to be someone I am not. But she made me feel obligated to do it, and whenever I did it to make HER happy, it would totally KILL the mood for me.

Being dominated was the other thing she wanted. Now I can be aggressive. I liked to get on top and kind of hold her down a little and pound the shit out of her. But she wanted me to do more extreme shit, like tie her up, and choke her. But I refused. That's not something you do to someone you love, I thought. Then she wanted to try those things on me.

I let her tie me up once, and I instantly went from ultra hard to completely limp. It just brought back memories of being tied up by the babysitter as a child and being sexually abused.
All this shit that she thought was just 'super kinky'... was like a MAJOR TURN OFF for me.


Now I'm not saying that's the case with your BF. But there could definitely be unknown mental/emotional factors involved.

As for the rest of it, I'm not really sure. Maybe he's selfish. Maybe he's just not very experienced. Maybe you are too demanding.
Instead of always telling him what to do (essentially telling him he's not good enough), try SHOWING him.
Guide his hand where you want it to be. Play with yourself how you want him to play with you. SHOW him what you like.
But don't force it. Be playful about it. And if he's not super into it, don't try and force him to be.

Not everyone is sexually compatible. But open and honest, non-judgemental communication and experimentation can go a long way towards making people more compatible sexually.
If you truly love him, then you can work with him and you both can find a middle ground that makes you both happy.
It may take time. Or it may not work at all. But you do have to work at it.
I'm certain if you keep trying to work with him, explain what turns you on, show him, that he will try new things and find something he's comfortable with. But don't try and force him to be someone he is not. You also need to find out what turns him on. Best of luck.

Also if its any consolation, I hate foreplay too. I mean I can do a little bit, I'll always make sure my girl is nice and wet before slipping it in.
But prolonged foreplay sessions are like torture for me too. I don't even really like blowjobs that much.

Although another part of me thinks, if you aren't sexually compatible after 5 years.. you won't ever be.
I mean the girl I was talking about above who wanted to be dominated and whatnot.. we had that figured out within 6 months. We ended up finding what works for both us and made both of us satisfied, and ended up being together for 5 years, but eventually broke apart due to unrelated differences. The sex was great. But hopefully you and your BF can work it out.


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InvisibleJesusGoneRogue
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #18930386 - 10/04/13 09:43 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

bal please don't even bother reading that shitty wall of text.


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OfflineTheWiz
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue]
    #18930547 - 10/04/13 10:24 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Fuck other people.

Seriously.

The terseness of my response might suggest I haven't read the thread thoroughly, or that I don't really give a shit, but I swear that's not the case.  Sometimes the solution is just that simple.


--------------------
I'd hit it.


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue]
    #18930551 - 10/04/13 10:25 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Wow JGR, that was a rather insensitive comment.

Anon #5 took the time to write all that up, some of it which I am sure is probably some sensitive stuff to talk about,  and you go and say that?

Did you ever consider that "shitty wall of text" might actually be relevant to my situation?

I just found out a month or so ago that my boyfriend was mentally and physically abused.  To what extent I am not sure as he hasn't went into much detail about it, but he has told me a few things. Although it wasn't sexual abuse (as far as I know), some of the things that Anon #5 said may very well apply. 

So thank you Anon #5 for posting that--you brought up many good points that I had not really considered.


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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InvisibleEdibleStereos
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue] * 2
    #18930707 - 10/04/13 11:08 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
bal please don't even bother reading that shitty wall of text.



Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
bal please don't even bother reading that shitty wall of text.





Normally I like your posts. This isn't one of your better ones.

anon #5 actually gave a possible explanation to whats going on.


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Invisiblekoraks
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium] * 2
    #18930955 - 10/04/13 12:14 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

My experience with kinksters, bdsm and the whole issue of sexual deviancy has taught me two things:
1. If you're into something sexually, then you get really unhappy in general (not only sexually) if you don't get it.
2. If someone is vanilla and has shown no interest into kink by their mid-twenties, they won't turn into a red hot chili. If they have, then (1) applies.
Sure, there will be exceptions. But for most of us, the above will apply.

If you're a kinkster living with a vanilla person and they don't pick up on the whole kink thing, especially after confronting them with it repeatedly for some time, then it's really clear that they are vanilla. You might get some deviant behavior out of them, but they're never going to be really into it. Personally, I find that to be a big mutual frustration and I prefer to walk away from it.

Ballerium, particularly if this is your first sexual partner so far, then you really don't know what's out there - what kind of people, and how some of these people will do exactly the stuff that you like - and they do it because they like it, too. If you're unwilling to pick up on that adventure, then you're going to fall in the number 1 category above. It might be a deliberate choice (due to loyalty or romantic considerations), but any rationalization is not going to take away the frustration - at least not in my experience. And I've been there, trust me. For several years.

I think you really have one option left: fuck other people. If you'll leave your bf to do that and/or if you're going to tell him about it, that's the big issue. Given your age, the former seems more likely - but that's an observation, not my advice.

My advice, though, is to explore your sexuality. Because it's too goddamn awesome to let it go to waste.


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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: koraks] * 1
    #18930965 - 10/04/13 12:17 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quality post koraks - I agree.


--------------------
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Offlinedstout84
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: koraks] * 1
    #18931094 - 10/04/13 12:49 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

koraks said:

My advice, though, is to explore your sexuality. Because it's too goddamn awesome to let it go to waste.




QFT


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Offlineitchmynipple
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue] * 1
    #18931289 - 10/04/13 01:42 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
i know it hurts but your relationship with him is "done". you will never feel content and at peace until you follow your heart's truest desires. sorry bal. i really hope you find a solution.




i dont think thats true,

i havent read all of it, but she said she loves him. assuming that love means she actually loves him, then i dont see how its over
Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
bal please don't even bother reading that shitty wall of text.




please, don't comment on my threads or anything of that sort. your douchebaggery is off the charts




sometimes, we dont know we like something until we Do it. sometimes we need to learn to walk before we can run. you know how much people actually think there straight, but turn out to be gay? all because they just weren't open to the 'idea' but it turns out that 'idea' when theyre open to it gets them way more sexual... get it?
the Key is to choose to be open to new things, to find out what you really like. he needs to understand this somehow because just maybe he actually like its alot, but he's insecure, n that fear/insecurity is blocking him from well enjoying it..

also maybe after a couple of beers, and shots, you can get him to be more open to fuckin you how you want. just ease into it, more importantly..

go see a pyschologist if you can't handle the stressload, see a female.. goodluck.


--------------------


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Anonymous #4

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: koraks]
    #18931492 - 10/04/13 02:34 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

koraks said:
My experience with kinksters, bdsm and the whole issue of sexual deviancy has taught me two things:
1. If you're into something sexually, then you get really unhappy in general (not only sexually) if you don't get it.
2. If someone is vanilla and has shown no interest into kink by their mid-twenties, they won't turn into a red hot chili. If they have, then (1) applies.
Sure, there will be exceptions. But for most of us, the above will apply.

If you're a kinkster living with a vanilla person and they don't pick up on the whole kink thing, especially after confronting them with it repeatedly for some time, then it's really clear that they are vanilla. You might get some deviant behavior out of them, but they're never going to be really into it. Personally, I find that to be a big mutual frustration and I prefer to walk away from it.

Ballerium, particularly if this is your first sexual partner so far, then you really don't know what's out there - what kind of people, and how some of these people will do exactly the stuff that you like - and they do it because they like it, too. If you're unwilling to pick up on that adventure, then you're going to fall in the number 1 category above. It might be a deliberate choice (due to loyalty or romantic considerations), but any rationalization is not going to take away the frustration - at least not in my experience. And I've been there, trust me. For several years.

I think you really have one option left: fuck other people. If you'll leave your bf to do that and/or if you're going to tell him about it, that's the big issue. Given your age, the former seems more likely - but that's an observation, not my advice.

My advice, though, is to explore your sexuality. Because it's too goddamn awesome to let it go to waste.




this was my earlier sentiment exactly. glad i wasnt the only one who pointed these issues out.:tongue2:


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InvisibleJesusGoneRogue
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: itchmynipple]
    #18931617 - 10/04/13 02:57 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

if you have an issue with me, simply put me on ignore.


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue]
    #18931679 - 10/04/13 03:13 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I don't want to go off topic in my own thread but JGR maybe you should take what people are saying into consideration. I used to think pretty highly of you when I first started posting here but ever since you have came back, you seem to have changed. :nonono:

As for everyone else, you have all given me some great advice that is hard to ignore. I plan to respond more thoroughly once I get home, but I appreciate what you all have said and I am impressed with the quality and maturity of most of the responses so far. :thumbup:


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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InvisibleMe_Roy
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue] * 1
    #18932009 - 10/04/13 04:29 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
if you have an issue with me, simply put me on ignore.




I've started to make more liberal use of the ignore feature, and it's made my experience of the site much more enjoyable.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue] * 2
    #18932051 - 10/04/13 04:39 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
bal please don't even bother reading that shitty wall of text.




Fuck you too. Assholes like you are why I posted that anon.


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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Me_Roy] * 1
    #18932177 - 10/04/13 05:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Me_Roy said:
Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
if you have an issue with me, simply put me on ignore.




I've started to make more liberal use of the ignore feature, and it's made my experience of the site much more enjoyable.



I was about to say the same thing :lol:


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OfflineAtrium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: pwnasaurus]
    #18932354 - 10/04/13 05:49 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

That really kind of takes away hope to read all that. Am I the only guy who kind of feels that way? Well I think I read another reply but yeah, it's crazy. In high school I KNEW I wanted a crazy sex fueled relationship. Afterwards I KNEW I just wanted some love and sex once a week would be fine. I just find it so crazy how we're expected to marry as virgins and find all this to be ok when everyone's personal preference of sexuality is so different.


--------------------
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The only reason I study Psychology is to have a legitimate excuse to enjoy Chemistry. :tongue2:


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InvisibleMe_Roy
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Atrium]
    #18932658 - 10/04/13 06:50 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Jamesdnh said:
That really kind of takes away hope to read all that. Am I the only guy who kind of feels that way? Well I think I read another reply but yeah, it's crazy. In high school I KNEW I wanted a crazy sex fueled relationship. Afterwards I KNEW I just wanted some love and sex once a week would be fine. I just find it so crazy how we're expected to marry as virgins and find all this to be ok when everyone's personal preference of sexuality is so different.




Feels what way?


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OfflineMagenta
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18932727 - 10/04/13 07:05 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ballerium said:
As for everyone else, you have all given me some great advice that is hard to ignore. I plan to respond more thoroughly once I get home, but I appreciate what you all have said and I am impressed with the quality and maturity of most of the responses so far. :thumbup:




Let us know how it goes Ballerium. I agree, this thread has been chock full of quality responses.
People learn differently; some can work out what to do by assumption, while others need to be shown in detail exactly what to do. Most people are the later of those, and two people of opposites don't normally communicate very well to each other. The later thinks the former doesn't care, and the former thinks the later thinks they're a dumb shit.
I know you said that you'd have a hard time dominating, since you like being dominated, but you know what you want so next time yous are about to get hot and heavy, maybe say, 'today we're going to stir things up a little', and then proceed to dominate him, give him everything that you want him to do to you. Later, after sex, tell him that's how you want him to treat you.
It's a method you can try.


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: koods]
    #18932746 - 10/04/13 07:09 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

empty space said:
I think the problem here is not sexual incompatibility. Sexual incompatibility is a symptom of the problem.

I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 1/2 years. The last year grew incredibly stale and we both resented each other on a regular basis. Interactions lessened as they grew less positive. I started spending all of my time distracting myself from my relationship. When we would have sex, she would try to finish me as quickly as possible so she could just be done, no matter how badly I wanted to pleasure her. It just kept going downhill until she left me for my best friend.

I'd suggest that you sit down with your man and have a serious conversation about the future of your relationship.




I can see where you are coming from, but I don't feel that our relationship is at that point anymore. As I mentioned, it has been improving over the past month and we have not gotten into any major arguments. I know a month is not a lot of time to judge things by, but some things have happened this past month that seem to have caused a change in both of us. Things like my mom intervening and threatening to kick him out if he doesn't start treating me better is one of them. There were also some other external things that were influencing my feelings over the past few months, and once I stopped allowing those things to influence me, I found that it was a lot easier to put energy into my relationship with him again.

We have been spending more time together and I get the sense that he is starting to care again, and I don't feel that he is being fake about it just to impress my mom either.

Also, regarding what he said about just going ahead and finishing if it were up to him, he really did say that, but it was a while ago. I brought it up to him yesterday and asked him if he remembered saying that. He did remember, but he also said that it was what he would do if he didn't care about me, if he was only in it for himself. He says I took the comment too literally, and maybe I did. Or maybe I didn't and he was just trying to cover his ass. It doesn't really matter I guess, but I would like to think that he does care, considering that he also told me yesterday that he would be willing to try toys and maybe trying to get me off in other ways so that I would be satisfied and he'd get to last longer. So to me, that is a huge step forward.

Quote:

koods said:
I dunno. He may be feeling emasculated, and saying stuff like that because he is overly sensitive.




I think this might be part of the problem too. I did not realize that I was coming off so demanding toward him when I was asking these things. After talking to him yesterday, he said he felt a lot of pressure when I would tell him so many things that I wanted him to do to me. I think maybe he was feeling overwhelmed and as a result was reluctant to try much of anything with me out of fear that he was going to fail or not do it the way I was wanting him to.

I think maybe I took it too literally again, when he asked me to only give him one thing at a time to do. I think I just need to not bombard him with so many things at once. Or maybe when I was trying to explain all the little things I liked about being dominated, it might have just been too much for him. We are going to try to go slower with it, and maybe once he gets comfortable and enjoys doing a few things, then we can gradually add in additional elements so to speak. :naughty:

You have to remember, this is the first sexual relationship either of us have had. I'm definitely the kinky one in the relationship, and maybe I just tend to move at a faster pace than he does. Yes, we have been together for 5 years, but the whole domination/rough sex fantasy is something that I have just recently brought up to him. Within the past 6 months or so. Yeah, I have always been turned on by it, but I guess it is just something I put on the backburner for most of our relationship, dismissing it as something that wasn't really necessary for me to be satisfied sexually. This year especially, I don't know why, maybe it is because I am getting older and getting closer to my "sexual prime" :lol:, but it has just been on my mind more and more and so I decided to bring it up to him and see if he would be willing to try it out.

Anyway, I feel like my replies are starting to get long-winded and I know nobody wants to read a wall of text. I want to reply to so many people because you all gave such good advice, but I honestly feel like I could write a book in response to some of these replies. :lol:

I am really glad that I made this thread though. I was feeling pretty hopeless when I made it and despite the fact that some of you are telling me to break up with him, I am actually feeling more hopeful now after reading and discussing with him the feedback you guys have given me. :thumbup:

I also want to say thank you to koraks and those of you who gave similar advice. I do realize that there is a great possibility that he is just vanilla and that he may never really be into it. I realize that if this is true and that I stay with him, I will be frustrated. But like I mentioned already, this kink of mine is something that I have very recently started trying to get him to do with me. If I had been trying this for the whole 5 years from the get go, then it would be different. But I want to at least give him a chance to see if he could possibly get into it before I just give up, you know?


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Magenta]
    #18932815 - 10/04/13 07:29 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

knightron said:

People learn differently; some can work out what to do by assumption, while others need to be shown in detail exactly what to do. Most people are the later of those, and two people of opposites don't normally communicate very well to each other. The later thinks the former doesn't care, and the former thinks the later thinks they're a dumb shit.




This whole dynamic is so true and so evident in my relationship with him. I still feel though, that if two people are both willing to try, then they CAN overcome these obstacles. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I'm just not willing to give up so easily. And it isn't even because I have some moral or religious issue or anything like that with breaking up with him, or that it is some big deal that he was the person that I lost my virginity to. It is more a matter of the time that I have invested with him and I hate the idea of throwing it all down the drain and hurting him in the process.


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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Anonymous #4

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18932913 - 10/04/13 07:54 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

it sounds like you havent decided wha is best for you yet when it comes to your relationship. you want to be considerate of your bf. which is a verry good idea. but you made the thread because YOU were concerned about how youre feeling about your sex life and not how youre bf feels.

i mean sacrifice is important on both sides but not at the cost of your own happiness. anyways your situations sounds like it will be challenging whatever the outcome.


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Offlinepslyke
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18932958 - 10/04/13 08:06 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

1) get the boy some kratom---takes forever to cum on that shit

2) get yourself some sex toys--vibrator, cuffs and a riding crop. He needs to cuff you and smack dat ass!

3) tell him to grow the fuck up! Little boys play video games when a sultry vixen like you needs to be worshiped


--------------------
"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


:kratom:


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18933022 - 10/04/13 08:20 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
it sounds like you havent decided wha is best for you yet when it comes to your relationship. you want to be considerate of your bf. which is a verry good idea. but you made the thread because YOU were concerned about how youre feeling about your sex life and not how youre bf feels.

i mean sacrifice is important on both sides but not at the cost of your own happiness. anyways your situations sounds like it will be challenging whatever the outcome.




You're right, I am definitely considerate of him and I have a problem of putting his happiness before my own. But yes, I was concerned about how I was feeling when I made this thread, and I haven't forgotten that. But I also made this thread with the hopes of getting some advice and maybe a different point of view, which I got plenty of and am very happy with the responses. So now with the advice given, I feel like I have more options than I had when I made the thread, simply because people have brought up so many things that I had not considered trying.

So with that in mind, I plan to try all of these things and see how it goes, and if it becomes apparent that nothing is going to change after exhausting all of these options, then I may need to re-evaluate everything.


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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Anonymous #4

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18933088 - 10/04/13 08:34 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

like i said its one of those life life challenging situations. theyre never easy. also some are more important then others as they define who we are and become. that seems a bit dramatic but character is very key to growing.

and if you know that already then just take it as a reminder.:smirk:


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18933098 - 10/04/13 08:38 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks, and I will. :thumbup:


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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OfflineRewindicus
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18933235 - 10/04/13 09:12 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I got a response. But when I get home. I was in a very similar situation.


--------------------
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss

"Too much of a good thing, can be wonderful!" - Mae West

"If you have nothing nice to say about anyone, come sit next to me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth





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OfflineAtrium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Me_Roy]
    #18933389 - 10/04/13 09:48 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Me_Roy said:
Quote:

Jamesdnh said:
That really kind of takes away hope to read all that. Am I the only guy who kind of feels that way? Well I think I read another reply but yeah, it's crazy. In high school I KNEW I wanted a crazy sex fueled relationship. Afterwards I KNEW I just wanted some love and sex once a week would be fine. I just find it so crazy how we're expected to marry as virgins and find all this to be ok when everyone's personal preference of sexuality is so different.




Feels what way?



That it takes away hope of a happy relationship so easily.


--------------------
The only thing about Chemistry I like is all the psychedelics that come from it.

The only reason I study Psychology is to have a legitimate excuse to enjoy Chemistry. :tongue2:


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OfflineRewindicus
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Atrium]
    #18933613 - 10/04/13 10:35 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

A happy relationship is HARD work for both parties and there are so many factors that affect it. Its a total :mindblown: situation.


--------------------
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss

"Too much of a good thing, can be wonderful!" - Mae West

"If you have nothing nice to say about anyone, come sit next to me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth





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Anonymous #6

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18934593 - 10/05/13 03:15 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
in my honest opinion, if the sex isnt really good the 1st couple times you hook up with someone then its most likely not gonna be that awesome and it probably isnt true love. thats just how i see it when it comes to great sex in a relationship.




I agree with pretty much the rest of your post except what is quoted. This is a fairly myopic way of treating potential romantic interests. Sex can often be awkward the first several times even amongst individually experienced partners for a number of reasons. Screening partners with such great expectations is a good way to weed out a partner who with time would prove to be very compatible.


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InvisibleCosmicJokeM
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18934607 - 10/05/13 03:25 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Maybe get him high on crystal meth.... if that doesn't make sex totally primal then run far, far away.


--------------------
Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.


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Offlineitchmynipple
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #18934739 - 10/05/13 04:39 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
in my honest opinion, if the sex isnt really good the 1st couple times you hook up with someone then its most likely not gonna be that awesome and it probably isnt true love. thats just how i see it when it comes to great sex in a relationship.




I agree with pretty much the rest of your post except what is quoted. This is a fairly myopic way of treating potential romantic interests. Sex can often be awkward the first several times even amongst individually experienced partners for a number of reasons. Screening partners with such great expectations is a good way to weed out a partner who with time would prove to be very compatible.




i agree, i dont see the reason for ANON. but anyways..
That is one way to be shallow, to drop a beautiful women because she didn't catch on quick enough, once again the culprit being lack of communication.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: JesusGoneRogue] * 1
    #18936058 - 10/05/13 01:18 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

JesusGoneRogue said:
bal please don't even bother reading that shitty wall of text.




Anon #5 gave a very thoughtful response. The only shitty text is your single line of it.


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: koods]
    #18936372 - 10/05/13 02:36 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Yes, thank you. So fucking rude and inconsiderate.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18936610 - 10/05/13 03:50 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Pressure can make sex pretty unpleasant especially if there is verbal pressure during the sexual act. I think beyond a few times I would start to get very turned off.

Quote:

Why can't he grasp what I want and just do it?



Because he's not you and doesn't experience things the way you do especially your fantasies.
Quote:

Why should I have to show him one thing at a time and hope that maybe eventually he'll put it all together?



You don't have to, but you are trying because you apparently are invested in the relationship and want to stay together.
Quote:

Can a person really be that clueless?



Yes, it's possible, but it doesn't sound like the issue.

Quote:

He's also said that when he's on top of me/being rough with me/whatever, that he has to concentrate really hard on not cumming, which kind of takes the fun out of it for him.



Unless I am sober and not using a condom or doing kink stuff, I almost never have to consciously try to delay orgasm. However, if I were asked to be dominant or was being dominated (verbally or physically) then I would probably have to focus much more on delaying orgasm. For me, my personal orgasm is not as rewarding as the intimacy of the act and the feeling of satisfaction that comes from giving my partner a mind-blowing orgasm so it's not a problem, but if my intent were to reach orgasm I could see the fun being taken out of it I guess. With age my recovery period seems to have dropped significantly so I can't really relate because I don't lose interest after orgasm anymore.

Quote:

Maybe I'm the stupid one here and maybe there's something that I'm not getting, but I know just from reading this forum that there are plenty of guys who like to dominate their girls, and enjoy it.



Keep in mind the sample here is not necessarily representative of the general population.
Quote:

How do some of you go at it for hours without cumming?



Pre-sex orgasm, condoms, drugs, alcohol, resolve, etc.

Quote:

Or do you cum multiple times? And if you do, how do you maintain the energy and desire to continue having sex after you've came?



Yes. Each time makes the subsequent time much more difficult, but that's to be expected and I've noticed that my female partners have been the same way. I don't know how I maintain the energy and desire. Like I said above, there's actually been somewhat of a paradoxical effect with age. As I've gotten older I seem to have less of a recovery period and more continuous stamina. Maybe it's due to rather infrequent masturbation compared to my younger days? One thing I did/do notice is that with a new (less than 6-9 mo.) non-casual partner I have enough stamina to go on for 12+ hours easily.

Quote:

I feel like once my boyfriend cums, that's it. He's out like a light and he's not going to be exerting any energy to get it back up again



That's how it used to be for me when I was in my early 20s. I understand that this is supposedly how it works for most guys, but I couldn't tell you.

Quote:

[...] it makes me feel like I'm somehow inadequate at getting it up for him. There's only so long I can suck on a limp cock/stroke it/etc before I start thinking well, this just isn't going to happen again, and then at that point I just give up.



You shouldn't feel inadequate at all. Props to you for trying--I don't think I have ever had a partner who was willing to try to get me to go again.

Quote:

We're also each other's first and only sexual partners.



For what it's worth, this is pretty dangerous long-term for a relationship from what I have seen. While I used to think I could have been forever content with my first sexual partner (and probably I could be now), there is something to be said for playing the field a bit and getting experience with a wide range of partners. At the very least, it removes that constant "what ifs" so many people seem to carry around. I am divided on this issue because there will always be someone inherently more skilled and perhaps even more sexually compatible with you than your current partner so it makes little sense to end a very good thing for the risk of branching out. I guess trying to beat that uncertainty is why there are a lot of younger women who end up being Donkey Kong Jrs. [Thanks to whoever posted that amazing graphic here several years ago!]


Quote:

I've also tried asking him what his turn ons are and such, and its like he just doesn't have any.



I would imagine he's hiding some either consciously or subconsciously. Trying to get some of my partners either reserved or unreserved to actually open up about their fantasies has been like pulling teeth. Fortunately, once I was able to break the ice (after months and in a couple of cases years) there was a fair amount of depth. I will warn you not to begrudge your partner for  being reserved or hesitant to share; some people grow up with an incredible amount of sexual shame for whatever reason. If abuse is indicated like you stated down thread then that is likely the reason.

Quote:

The only thing that turns him on, according to him, is for direct attention to be given to his cock.



Well if you're into it, the whole submissive cock worship thing is something to explore.

Quote:

Men are visual creatures, so shouldn't looking at me turn him on? If I dress up in some sexy outfit for him, which I love to do, shouldn't that do anything at all?



Don't buy into stereotypes like this. It just leads to more frustration. Not all men are visual creatures, but I would say that something is wrong with him if you don't turn him on. You are extremely sexy, and any guy would be extremely lucky to have someone so eager to please and dress up.


Quote:

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation and if you were, what did you do that worked for you?



Once upon a time, I wanted my rather vanilla and sexually reserved partner to either be submissive or dominate me. I had switch tendencies and dominating her was out of the question as she broke down with even the slightest dominant streak. So I tried to encourage a dominant streak in her. The advice given to me at the time was that pushing your partner is a very good way to fuck up your otherwise good relationship. In my experience that's true so I still think that's good advice even though I know the frustration that comes  with not being able to express yourself sexually.

Quote:

From what I have already mentioned, is there anything that I can do differently? Am I being insensitive? Too demanding? Too impatient?



Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Some might even accuse you of "topping from the bottom" though I hate that phrase.

Advice:

One exercise that has really helped me go down the sexual rabbit hole with past partners has been to have the more submissive leaning partner keep a sexual fantasy journal in a location known by the other partner. The writer should note all positive sexual dreams, desires, thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc. in as explicit detail as they can manage. This does a couple of things. First it remove the awkwardness of communicating these desires directly. Second, it lets the other partner absorb these things more slowly, piece them together, do research if necessary, and incorporate the fantasies in future activities "seamlessly" and at their own pace. Third, it tends to increase sexual tension between the two partners. Writing that shit down knowing she would read it was incredibly sexy--I think it makes the submissive partner feel more submissive hence why it's better they keep the journal. When I was the more dominant one, reading what her dirty little mind was thinking when she was at school, work, or with her family was such a turn on I couldn't wait to make it a reality. Fourth, especially with time and a longer journal it disconnects the expression of the desire with the fulfillment of the desire making it hotter than if just verbally expressed beforehand.

I have no personal experience with this, but at some point I think someone here recommended one of those sexual compatibility sites like mojoupgrade.  If I recall, these sites only show common interests so you don't need to worry about your partner judging you for a particular kink. I still think the diary solution is better, but it takes a lot of established trust. Still it's worth considering because it's a faster process and you could keep the diary afterward anyway.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #18936939 - 10/05/13 05:04 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
in my honest opinion, if the sex isnt really good the 1st couple times you hook up with someone then its most likely not gonna be that awesome and it probably isnt true love. thats just how i see it when it comes to great sex in a relationship.




I agree with pretty much the rest of your post except what is quoted. This is a fairly myopic way of treating potential romantic interests. Sex can often be awkward the first several times even amongst individually experienced partners for a number of reasons. Screening partners with such great expectations is a good way to weed out a partner who with time would prove to be very compatible.




well ill tell you why i think that. i simply beleive that really amazing sex or lovers arent something that is fostered through time with a partner because i think true love is just a thing that occurs naturally. not to say good sex cant be learned but that level of passion comes purely instinctual and most importantly without expection of it happening.

my beleifs around the subject stem somewhat from a spiritual level though. so it being a rare happen stance would be logical to the situation. not to mention that as we go through life most people dont deeply connect with every lover or partner we have. so yeah i place its almost in the area of divine. or if youre a atheist, very good luck. :wink:


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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #18937371 - 10/05/13 06:42 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Pressure can make sex pretty unpleasant especially if there is verbal pressure during the sexual act. I think beyond a few times I would start to get very turned off.

Quote:

Why can't he grasp what I want and just do it?



Because he's not you and doesn't experience things the way you do especially your fantasies.
Quote:

Why should I have to show him one thing at a time and hope that maybe eventually he'll put it all together?



You don't have to, but you are trying because you apparently are invested in the relationship and want to stay together.
Quote:

Can a person really be that clueless?



Yes, it's possible, but it doesn't sound like the issue.




All very good points that I'm starting to see more and more after making this thread. It gives me hope that maybe this could work eventually after all because I am realizing that a big part of the reason why this hasn't been successful has been because of me and the way I have been going about it.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Keep in mind the sample here is not necessarily representative of the general population.




That's something I didn't really consider either. I guess being here for so long and the fact that this forum is pretty much my first choice for asking advice about my relationship problems has skewed my idea of what is representative of the general population.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Yes. Each time makes the subsequent time much more difficult, but that's to be expected and I've noticed that my female partners have been the same way. I don't know how I maintain the energy and desire. Like I said above, there's actually been somewhat of a paradoxical effect with age. As I've gotten older I seem to have less of a recovery period and more continuous stamina. Maybe it's due to rather infrequent masturbation compared to my younger days? One thing I did/do notice is that with a new (less than 6-9 mo.) non-casual partner I have enough stamina to go on for 12+ hours easily.




That's interesting, because somewhere I picked up the idea that, for women at least, after having 2 or 3 orgasms, the next ones come easily. I always thought that seemed kind of backwards, but I think it was actually this forum where I read that. I think the thread was talking about how many times can guys make their girlfriend orgasm, and some people were bragging about making them orgasm 10+ times in one session lasting several hours.

As far as I know, my boyfriend masturbates pretty infrequently. Unless he just doesn't tell me, which is definitely possible considering all the other guys who masturbate to porn and whatnot and don't go bragging to their girlfriends about it. I do resent him sometimes when he wants a blowjob, but doesn't feel like having sex, because it makes me feel like he just wants pleasure and doesn't care if I get any or not. But even with that said, I still always prefer to be the one to get him off, even if I don't get anything in return. Why should he have to go use his hand when he has a real girlfriend who can pleasure him instead?

Quote:

Anonymous said:
That's how it used to be for me when I was in my early 20s. I understand that this is supposedly how it works for most guys, but I couldn't tell you.




Yeah, and I know it isn't uncommon for guys to feel super tired after having an orgasm, and he is in his early 20's, so maybe it is something that will get better with age.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
You shouldn't feel inadequate at all. Props to you for trying--I don't think I have ever had a partner who was willing to try to get me to go again.




Thank you, I guess there again, my relying on this forum as my main source of information and reading about all these other guys getting it up for round 2 no problem has once again skewed my idea of how things are supposed to be.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
For what it's worth, this is pretty dangerous long-term for a relationship from what I have seen. While I used to think I could have been forever content with my first sexual partner (and probably I could be now), there is something to be said for playing the field a bit and getting experience with a wide range of partners. At the very least, it removes that constant "what ifs" so many people seem to carry around. I am divided on this issue because there will always be someone inherently more skilled and perhaps even more sexually compatible with you than your current partner so it makes little sense to end a very good thing for the risk of branching out. I guess trying to beat that uncertainty is why there are a lot of younger women who end up being Donkey Kong Jrs. [Thanks to whoever posted that amazing graphic here several years ago!]





You're right, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about what it was like with other people. And I'm sure he feels the same way, even though we've never brought it up to each other. But I don't feel like our whole relationship is broken anymore, and I want to make a real effort to try with him. He even feels confident himself that eventually he will be able to be dominant like I am wanting with him, if I will be patient with him, which I am willing to do as long as he is willing to try for me.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I would imagine he's hiding some either consciously or subconsciously. Trying to get some of my partners either reserved or unreserved to actually open up about their fantasies has been like pulling teeth. Fortunately, once I was able to break the ice (after months and in a couple of cases years) there was a fair amount of depth. I will warn you not to begrudge your partner for  being reserved or hesitant to share; some people grow up with an incredible amount of sexual shame for whatever reason. If abuse is indicated like you stated down thread then that is likely the reason.




I understand that too, and I've always thought that deep down inside, there has to be something that turns him on. It made me feel hurt though, that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to share those things with me after us being together for so long. But I can see how he would be reluctant to share things like that with me given all the other circumstances surrounding it like abuse and etc.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Well if you're into it, the whole submissive cock worship thing is something to explore.




I like being submissive so you may be on to something there. :thumbup:

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Don't buy into stereotypes like this. It just leads to more frustration. Not all men are visual creatures, but I would say that something is wrong with him if you don't turn him on. You are extremely sexy, and any guy would be extremely lucky to have someone so eager to please and dress up.




It does turn him on when I do things like that, according to him, but I guess it doesn't have the vava voom effect on him that I am hoping for. I think it honestly turns me on to dress up more than it does him. :lol:

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Once upon a time, I wanted my rather vanilla and sexually reserved partner to either be submissive or dominate me. I had switch tendencies and dominating her was out of the question as she broke down with even the slightest dominant streak. So I tried to encourage a dominant streak in her. The advice given to me at the time was that pushing your partner is a very good way to fuck up your otherwise good relationship. In my experience that's true so I still think that's good advice even though I know the frustration that comes with not being able to express yourself sexually.




Yeah, I've decided that for now I'm not going to keep pushing it on him. I don't want to push him away or make him reluctant to have sex with me.


Quote:

Anonymous said:
Advice:

One exercise that has really helped me go down the sexual rabbit hole with past partners has been to have the more submissive leaning partner keep a sexual fantasy journal in a location known by the other partner. The writer should note all positive sexual dreams, desires, thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc. in as explicit detail as they can manage. This does a couple of things. First it remove the awkwardness of communicating these desires directly. Second, it lets the other partner absorb these things more slowly, piece them together, do research if necessary, and incorporate the fantasies in future activities "seamlessly" and at their own pace. Third, it tends to increase sexual tension between the two partners. Writing that shit down knowing she would read it was incredibly sexy--I think it makes the submissive partner feel more submissive hence why it's better they keep the journal. When I was the more dominant one, reading what her dirty little mind was thinking when she was at school, work, or with her family was such a turn on I couldn't wait to make it a reality. Fourth, especially with time and a longer journal it disconnects the expression of the desire with the fulfillment of the desire making it hotter than if just verbally expressed beforehand.




Thank you for this awesome idea! It sounds hot from the way you describe it and I think maybe he wouldn't be as reluctant to share his fantasies with me since he won't be telling me directly. Definitely going to suggest this to him and see what he thinks. :thumbup:

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I have no personal experience with this, but at some point I think someone here recommended one of those sexual compatibility sites like mojoupgrade.  If I recall, these sites only show common interests so you don't need to worry about your partner judging you for a particular kink. I still think the diary solution is better, but it takes a lot of established trust. Still it's worth considering because it's a faster process and you could keep the diary afterward anyway.




Its funny you mention mojoupgrade, because I actually had him to do that test with me not long ago. Unfortunately our results somehow got lost and we never got the emails because of something to do with spam. Then it kind of just fell by the wayside and was forgotten about by both of us. But thank you for the reminder--I've been meaning to get him to take that quiz with me again. :thumbup:


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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InvisibleMasked
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Ballerium]
    #18951216 - 10/08/13 07:12 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

king advice about my relationship problems has skewed my idea of what is representative of the general population.




anonymous said "not necessarily".  I think personally, a large majority of the advice given about relationships on here, very indeed and likely represents the general population.  We will never know for sure, but don't be so quick to jump on the bandwagon.

...a wagon that takes you to things like this:

Quote:

That's interesting, because somewhere I picked up the idea that, for women at least, after having 2 or 3 orgasms, the next ones come easily. I always thought that seemed kind of backwards,




Anonymous's experiences don't paint a picture for the general population :rolleyes:

Quote:

I think the thread was talking about how many times can guys make their girlfriend orgasm, and some people were bragging about making them orgasm 10+ times in one session lasting several hours.




That's because it's more common than anonymous's experience would like to dictate.  Remember, he was just offering you his opinion and personal experience.  As are others on the board. 

I love getting it on multiple times in a row and in my experience, it's more common than not to give multiple, upon multiple of orgams for women.

My experience doesn't mean this is how it is for everyone though.  And the same can be said for anonymous's personal experiences.

My point is, I'm rather disgusting you are taking a stance like this:

Quote:

Thank you, I guess there again, my relying on this forum as my main source of information and reading about all these other guys getting it up for round 2 no problem has once again skewed my idea of how things are supposed to be.




wow...so how are they supposed to be? :rolleyes:  Like anonymous's experiences?  Like your experiences of being unwanted, not appreciated and not satisfied?  Come on Bal.

I mean, it's okay to entertain all viewpoints, but to jump to "once again the boards skewed my idea of how things are supposed to be", is quite a disturbing leap to make.

Quote:

But I don't feel like our whole relationship is broken anymore, and I want to make a real effort to try with him.




no comment.

actually, yeah I'll comment.

I wish you the best of luck.  Keep your mind open and don't let it sway to far to one side or another in regards to your "view" on things.  And always know, there is solid advice and personal experiences shared on this board.

Everyone, and you in particular, deserves to be happy and I hope you find what you need and deserve :heart:


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.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Masked] * 1
    #18951263 - 10/08/13 07:20 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

"anonymous said "not necessarily".

Anonymous's experiences don't paint a picture for the general population :rolleyes:

That's because it's more common than anonymous's experience would like to dictate.  Remember, he was just offering you his opinion and personal experience.

Like anonymous's experiences? " 


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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Masked]
    #18951508 - 10/08/13 08:08 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Masked speaks words of wisdom.


--------------------
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There is NOTHING better than feeling that warm dissociative fuzz creeping up your body from IM K
Something abut that anaesthetic rush... :inlove:

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InvisibleBallerium
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Masked] * 1
    #18951753 - 10/08/13 08:56 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Masked said:
Quote:

king advice about my relationship problems has skewed my idea of what is representative of the general population.




anonymous said "not necessarily".  I think personally, a large majority of the advice given about relationships on here, very indeed and likely represents the general population.  We will never know for sure, but don't be so quick to jump on the bandwagon.

...a wagon that takes you to things like this:

Quote:

That's interesting, because somewhere I picked up the idea that, for women at least, after having 2 or 3 orgasms, the next ones come easily. I always thought that seemed kind of backwards,




Anonymous's experiences don't paint a picture for the general population :rolleyes:




I realize Anonymous said not necessarily, but I think what they were trying to say is that as a general rule, there are a lot of open-minded people here. Yes, there are open-minded people everywhere, but I feel like you'll have a greater chance of running into more of them if you're in a place like this forum for example, or another forum where people congregate to talk about a subject/hobby/whatever that isn't necessarily so common and accepted by everyone else. It would be interesting to do a study on drug users vs. non drug users to see which group of people had a higher percentage of people who had kinkier sex lives. My theory is that if you are open-minded about one thing, then you're more likely to be open-minded about other things too. But its just a theory. :smirk:

But I agree, I am sure that a lot of the advice on here can be applied to the general population.

And as for the orgasm thing, in my experiences, it has been hard for me to have multiple orgasms. I've always given up trying to have multiple ones because I am usually too sensitive to continue touching myself. So that is my personal experience. The idea of 10+ orgasms in one session was rather mind blowing to me. Do you think that the general population is having orgasm after orgasm? Which scenario better represents the general population to you? Is it really that absurd to you that I thought that having that many orgasms was not that common?


Quote:

Masked said:
My point is, I'm rather disgusting you are taking a stance like this:

Quote:

Thank you, I guess there again, my relying on this forum as my main source of information and reading about all these other guys getting it up for round 2 no problem has once again skewed my idea of how things are supposed to be.




wow...so how are they supposed to be? :rolleyes:  Like anonymous's experiences?  Like your experiences of being unwanted, not appreciated and not satisfied?  Come on Bal.

I mean, it's okay to entertain all viewpoints, but to jump to "once again the boards skewed my idea of how things are supposed to be", is quite a disturbing leap to make.




Obviously I feel that my sex life is lacking, otherwise I would not have made this thread. My idea of "how things are supposed to be" is that I should have a partner that WANTS to have passionate sex with me and does not want to roll over and go to sleep once he has had an orgasm and let that be it. I don't think that is that skewed of an idea of how things are supposed to be. But then after I read Anonymous' comment regarding that, I started thinking about it and wondering if maybe more guys really do call it quits after one orgasm but just don't necessarily go around advertising it. I know if I was a guy and I had the stamina to go at it for that long, I'd probably be more likely to choose to mention that before I would choose to mention that I just roll over and go to sleep after having one orgasm. And I think you are taking my words too literally. I said "Once again" because I had already mentioned it once, earlier in my reply. So that makes two instances of where I said that my idea of the general population may have been skewed. Don't jump to conclusions and assume that I meant everything posted here isn't representative of the general  population. I was referring to that specific instance. :rolleyes:

Quote:

Masked said:
no comment.

actually, yeah I'll comment.

I wish you the best of luck.  Keep your mind open and don't let it sway to far to one side or another in regards to your "view" on things.  And always know, there is solid advice and personal experiences shared on this board.

Everyone, and you in particular, deserves to be happy and I hope you find what you need and deserve :heart:




Thank you for your well wishes. I consider myself as a pretty open-minded person and I have paid close attention to all of the responses in this thread and taken them into consideration. Even the ones that are suggesting that I do something that I may not necessarily want to do. I can definitely see where those people are coming from and I appreciate their advice. And you are most definitely right, there is some great advice and personal experiences shared on this board. Why do you think I make it my first choice when I am seeking advice about my own problems?


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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Anonymous #6

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Masked]
    #18951865 - 10/08/13 09:19 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you, Anonymous #7!
Edit: Thank you, Ballerium! You posted while I was writing this.

Quote:

Masked said:I think personally, a large majority of the advice given about relationships on here, very indeed and likely represents the general population.




Now that's laughable. As much as I love this website, the user base here in no way whatsoever reflects any sort of general population. The relationship advice given here is usually quite different from say on reddit's r/relationships which has many more users and is certainly more diverse than the regular population of users that post in this forum. Admittedly r/relationships userbase I am sure does not represent the general population either, but it's almost certainly a better reflection of average America than the Shroomery.

I don't disagree that good advice is given here that is applicable to many different relationships, and maybe that's what you meant to say. If so, then we are in agreement.

Quote:

Masked said:Anonymous's experiences don't paint a picture for the general population :rolleyes:




I never claimed that they did. Any one person's advice (here or elsewhere) is going have a statistically irrelevant n. My n is so laughably small from a scientific standpoint (as would be the n of all people except less than 1/1000). Even then a large n doesn't correlate to valid conclusions for a number of reasons, and even if it did it would be stupid to live one's life according to what the general population does.

Quote:

Masked said:That's because it's more common than anonymous's experience would like to dictate.  Remember, he was just offering you his opinion and personal experience.  As are others on the board.


 

The point I was trying to make is that the n of any one individual is so small that shared personal opinion and/or experience should not be the basis of expectations in a relationship or otherwise.

However, you are very wrong if you think that multiple orgasms especially proceeding into double digit range are common or more common than I suggest. You do know that there is a mountain of research that has gone into studying human sexuality including the specifics of orgasms, right? I no longer have good journal access, but if I did I would be attaching journal articles left and right because you really rustled my jimmies. I wish I knew more about physiology, neuroscience, and sexuality because then I could explain things more clearly. But it's irrelevant to this thread anyway.

Quote:

Masked said:wow...so how are they supposed to be? :rolleyes:  Like anonymous's experiences?  Like your experiences of being unwanted, not appreciated and not satisfied?  Come on Bal.

I mean, it's okay to entertain all viewpoints, but to jump to "once again the boards skewed my idea of how things are supposed to be", is quite a disturbing leap to make.




It's not a disturbing leap to make. The Shroomery is populated by a self-selected set of mainly white males interested in psychedelics (and relationships and sexuality if you are in this forum) who are between the ages of something like 16-40 with the largest cluster being in the mid-20s. Then you need to strongly consider the proclivity of users on the Shroomery to bullshit, brag, and exaggerate.

I agree that even if you had solid statistics there is no point in shooting for what's normal. Hooray mediocrity! You should aim for your own personal and spiritual fulfillment, because anything less would be a tragedy.

Statistics are largely irrelevant to the individual, and for that reason precisely we see people make stupid decisions like play the lottery or have rather irrational fears about crime while not having a second thoughts about getting in a car. It's smart to look at statistics to set the lower bounds of expectations, analyze risk vs. reward, etc. but a life centered around the mean would probably be unfulfilling for most.

The whole point of sharing my experiences was to point out that a vocal majority here is probably a small minority (and the studies I have read in the past would suggest this) so Bal might be falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations and "fear of missing out".

It would be a tragedy to throw away a good relationship (not that I think the one described is...) because one had unrealistic expectations picked up from a small internet forum which in no way represents what is "normal".

It would not be a tragedy to end a relationship (good or bad) in order to answer a nagging question about sexual and spiritual fulfillment that could not be answered otherwise.


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #18954036 - 10/09/13 12:06 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:


Anonymous said
It would be a tragedy to throw away a good relationship (not that I think the one described is...) because one had unrealistic expectations picked up from a small internet forum which in no way represents what is "normal".

It would not be a tragedy to end a relationship (good or bad) in order to answer a nagging question about sexual and spiritual fulfillment that could not be answered otherwise.




But it isn't a good relationship, at least from what I have read. And I disagree - sexual fulfilment is paramount to a fulfilling relationship. Sure you can pretend it isn't but it always comes bubbling back up to the surface. Why settle when you can have so much more?

When I was younger I settled for someone who really was not compatible withe me. But now looking back I am so happy I decided to end things. Now I have the best relationship I could ever wish for.

Quote:


Ballerium said
Obviously I feel that my sex life is lacking, otherwise I would not have made this thread. My idea of "how things are supposed to be" is that I should have a partner that WANTS to have passionate sex with me and does not want to roll over and go to sleep once he has had an orgasm and let that be it. I don't think that is that skewed of an idea of how things are supposed to be. But then after I read Anonymous' comment regarding that, I started thinking about it and wondering if maybe more guys really do call it quits after one orgasm but just don't necessarily go around advertising it. I know if I was a guy and I had the stamina to go at it for that long, I'd probably be more likely to choose to mention that before I would choose to mention that I just roll over and go to sleep after having one orgasm. And I think you are taking my words too literally. I said "Once again" because I had already mentioned it once, earlier in my reply. So that makes two instances of where I said that my idea of the general population may have been skewed. Don't jump to conclusions and assume that I meant everything posted here isn't representative of the general  population. I was referring to that specific instance. :rolleyes:





You shouldn't have to settle for that. Yeah a lot of guys are selfish lovers and general assholes, but that doesn't mean settling for them is the answer. The beauty of having sex with someone you love is making sure they have an outstanding experience. Not just using the partner to get themselves off.
By settling for someone who evidently doesn't care enough about you, you do yourself a disfavour and it will come back to haunt you later on in life. It does for everyone that decides to settle for fear of moving on.
Please refer back to what koraks wrote earlier.


--------------------
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There is NOTHING better than feeling that warm dissociative fuzz creeping up your body from IM K
Something abut that anaesthetic rush... :inlove:

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Invisiblepwnasaurus
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18954208 - 10/09/13 12:46 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

tymoteusz3 said:
Quote:


Anonymous said
It would be a tragedy to throw away a good relationship (not that I think the one described is...) because one had unrealistic expectations picked up from a small internet forum which in no way represents what is "normal".

It would not be a tragedy to end a relationship (good or bad) in order to answer a nagging question about sexual and spiritual fulfillment that could not be answered otherwise.




But it isn't a good relationship, at least from what I have read. And I disagree - sexual fulfilment is paramount to a fulfilling relationship. Sure you can pretend it isn't but it always comes bubbling back up to the surface. Why settle when you can have so much more?

When I was younger I settled for someone who really was not compatible withe me. But now looking back I am so happy I decided to end things. Now I have the best relationship I could ever wish for.

Quote:


Ballerium said
Obviously I feel that my sex life is lacking, otherwise I would not have made this thread. My idea of "how things are supposed to be" is that I should have a partner that WANTS to have passionate sex with me and does not want to roll over and go to sleep once he has had an orgasm and let that be it. I don't think that is that skewed of an idea of how things are supposed to be. But then after I read Anonymous' comment regarding that, I started thinking about it and wondering if maybe more guys really do call it quits after one orgasm but just don't necessarily go around advertising it. I know if I was a guy and I had the stamina to go at it for that long, I'd probably be more likely to choose to mention that before I would choose to mention that I just roll over and go to sleep after having one orgasm. And I think you are taking my words too literally. I said "Once again" because I had already mentioned it once, earlier in my reply. So that makes two instances of where I said that my idea of the general population may have been skewed. Don't jump to conclusions and assume that I meant everything posted here isn't representative of the general  population. I was referring to that specific instance. :rolleyes:





You shouldn't have to settle for that. Yeah a lot of guys are selfish lovers and general assholes, but that doesn't mean settling for them is the answer. The beauty of having sex with someone you love is making sure they have an outstanding experience. Not just using the partner to get themselves off.
By settling for someone who evidently doesn't care enough about you, you do yourself a disfavour and it will come back to haunt you later on in life. It does for everyone that decides to settle for fear of moving on.
Please refer back to what koraks wrote earlier.



:thumbup:

You are clearly not happy Bal.  You partner sounds extremely childish and selfish.  At your age people have mostly grown into the person they're going to be.  Somebody selfish and childish is not going to have a sudden revelation at the age of 30 and change their ways.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18955017 - 10/09/13 03:48 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

tymoteusz3 said:
Quote:


Anonymous said
It would be a tragedy to throw away a good relationship (not that I think the one described is...) because one had unrealistic expectations picked up from a small internet forum which in no way represents what is "normal".

It would not be a tragedy to end a relationship (good or bad) in order to answer a nagging question about sexual and spiritual fulfillment that could not be answered otherwise.




But it isn't a good relationship, at least from what I have read. And I disagree - sexual fulfilment is paramount to a fulfilling relationship. Sure you can pretend it isn't but it always comes bubbling back up to the surface. Why settle when you can have so much more?

When I was younger I settled for someone who really was not compatible withe me. But now looking back I am so happy I decided to end things. Now I have the best relationship I could ever wish for.



Do you even read, bro?

We are in agreement. Your words are pretty much a restated form of what I said in the very text you quoted (and a small portion which you did not).

Quote:

You should aim for your own personal and spiritual fulfillment, because anything less would be a tragedy.




No one is suggesting that Ballerium settle for what's normal. I said it would be a tragedy to do so. Everyone in this thread has suggested that the relationship sounds off at best.

My point is that hearing a vocal minority can skew one's perspective to include unrealistic (and perhaps unhealthy) expectations.


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Anonymous #6] * 2
    #18956944 - 10/09/13 10:27 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

your so bloody wishy washy and there is so many holes in your argument and stance.

Quote:

My point is that hearing a vocal minority can skew one's perspective to include unrealistic (and perhaps unhealthy) expectations.




True...that CAN happen.  This is implying a chance of being only one possibility.

Keep that as mind as you spout your viewpoint as gospel.  Well one minute you do, then another you backtrack.  Again, your wishy washy as fuck.  Just my opinion

And keep that in mind bal as you read this person's words.  Of course in your situation, it's only natural to lean towards a person's viewpoint that helps you feel more comfortable with your choices/choosen path.

But they do say ignorance is bliss as well.  I think that's just another way of saying "be optimistic".  In your case, who knows, in may produce the results, happiness and satisfaction you crave AND deserve.  Who knows. NO ONE's words are gospel, including mine...and especially including his.  What one can do, is take all the info in, presented by many people, and make their own informed decision.  Which I know is what you are doing.

I wish you such great things bal :heart:  Don't ever settle for less then you deserve

Mod Edit: I was the lucky winner of a 3-day forum ban for this post.


--------------------
.


Edited by naum (10/10/13 12:31 AM)


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Anonymous #6

Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Masked]
    #18957383 - 10/09/13 11:50 PM (10 years, 3 months ago)

:doublefacepalm:

Quote:

Masked said:
your so bloody wishy washy and there is so many holes in your argument and stance.



Personal attacks are uncalled for and are not supposed to be tolerated in S&R. They don't add to the discussion, make this a forum a hostile environment (which is directly contrary to its purpose), and generally lead to derailed threads. In the past the moderators of this forum would not have stood for this, but since a moderator seems to agree with you and likely was the one who +1'ed your post I guess you're in the clear despite your history of flaming.

Quote:

Masked said:Keep that as mind as you spout your viewpoint as gospel.  Well one minute you do, then another you backtrack.  Again, your wishy washy as fuck.  Just my opinion




I never said my viewpoint was gospel. I have no idea what gave you that impression. I clearly stated I was sharing my experience and my observations. Even though Ballerium and other posters seemed to get the implication, I even went to the trouble of clarifying that I was just sharing my experiences and observations that they were not meant to be anything more.

Again, personal attacks are not OK in this forum even if you end them with the extremely childish "Just my opinion".

Thanks for reminding me why I no longer participate in this forum. It's a travesty that the moderators who worked so hard to make S&R a positive, serious, and safe place to discuss relationships are either too busy to keep an eye on things or are no longer moderators.

/derailment of thread

Edit: Guess I was wrong.


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Offlinelifeiswhatyoumake
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: EdibleStereos]
    #18957756 - 10/10/13 02:44 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

EdibleStereos said:
Take it from a man, stop telling him what to do in the bed verbally. Get him a bit drunk and tell him to have his way with you. Get his confidence up in the sack, and get him familiar with getting rough without you telling him what to do. Let him explore a bit.

If this doesn't bring out his dominating side, then my services can be made available.





I agree with EdibleStereos.


--------------------
:rave::rave::rave: I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ; :raver2::raver2::raver2::raveface:


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Masked]
    #18963173 - 10/11/13 09:48 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Masked said:
your so bloody wishy washy and there is so many holes in your argument and stance.

Quote:

My point is that hearing a vocal minority can skew one's perspective to include unrealistic (and perhaps unhealthy) expectations.




True...that CAN happen.  This is implying a chance of being only one possibility.

Keep that as mind as you spout your viewpoint as gospel.  Well one minute you do, then another you backtrack.  Again, your wishy washy as fuck.  Just my opinion

And keep that in mind bal as you read this person's words.  Of course in your situation, it's only natural to lean towards a person's viewpoint that helps you feel more comfortable with your choices/choosen path.

But they do say ignorance is bliss as well.  I think that's just another way of saying "be optimistic".  In your case, who knows, in may produce the results, happiness and satisfaction you crave AND deserve.  Who knows. NO ONE's words are gospel, including mine...and especially including his.  What one can do, is take all the info in, presented by many people, and make their own informed decision.  Which I know is what you are doing.

I wish you such great things bal :heart:  Don't ever settle for less then you deserve

Mod Edit: I was the lucky winner of a 3-day forum ban for this post.



You're kidding me! He got banned for saying that??? Did you read his last line?
Quote:

I wish you such great things bal :heart:  Don't ever settle for less then you deserve


I think he redeemed anything derogatory that he may have said before that.
Just don't think it was worthy of being banned....there have been a LOT worse things said on this forum with no action:shrug:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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InvisibleBallerium
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Registered: 10/03/10
Posts: 11,025
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Re: Sexual Incompatibility [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #18963264 - 10/11/13 10:18 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Yeah, like the rude comment JesusGoneRogue made earlier in this same thread. :rolleyes:


--------------------
Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.



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