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SattvaBodhi
nobody

Registered: 08/09/13
Posts: 392
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Learning to let go
#18918993 - 10/01/13 11:26 PM (10 years, 3 months ago) |
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I lost my grandfather over a year ago. He was not just my grandfather he acted as my father when mine went missing when I was but a year old. He was my mentor, teacher, everything important to me. I never was able to decide what to do with my life because I was terrified of disappointing him. I was an idiot and couldn't see past my own laziness because if I had thought about it nothing I did disappointed him. Not smoking pot, using heroin, coming home drunk and puking on my grandmother's feet, nothing. When he passed I was 2 hours away in the mountains and I rushed back to tell him goodbye and give him one final hug and a kiss on the cheek. I was lucky that the coroner didn't take him but he was a nice man and said he understood completely. When I leaned over to hug him I was in a fit of tears and my body was shaking. When over bodies touched I felt something pass through me something like .... damn it I will never be able to properly explain it ... maybe a chill but it was warm not cold. I hope you get the point. At that moment I felt glorious and free then like he was saying goodbye and waited for his soul to pass on until I arrived and hugged him. I immediately began feeling like shit because I felt free. I still feel like a piece of shit and hold onto his things like if I do not then I will never see him again. I know this is childish but I cannot force myself to stop it. Anyway I have some things of his including a quarter he had in his wallet. It meant nothing to him I am sure and I really want to use it to purchase myself some juice but cannot bring myself to spend it. As it turns out I am exactly 1 quarter short ... odd huh. There is no other cash around and everyone else is asleep so I cannot wake them and ask for a quarter. So here is my question to you, do I use it? Do I not? I have other things that belong to him so it's not as if I will not have anything else. I am just seriously torn on what to do. So I thought I would ask some shroomerites. Just be honest. Thank you.
-------------------- My ETSY shop .. stop by and look ***Disclaimer*** Everything I say in my posts is false. I have never done any drugs nor will I ever. Drugs are bad mmkay.
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philliips28
druggie

Registered: 10/01/13
Posts: 29
Loc: michigan
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
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I guess theres nothing wrong with keeping a quarter for sentimental reasons I guess it depends on On how bad you want that juice
-------------------- “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.”
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SattvaBodhi
nobody

Registered: 08/09/13
Posts: 392
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By keeping it am I just furthering my inability to let go? I have never had this problem with this in the past. I have let go of many things.
-------------------- My ETSY shop .. stop by and look ***Disclaimer*** Everything I say in my posts is false. I have never done any drugs nor will I ever. Drugs are bad mmkay.
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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You say you hold onto his things.. emphasis on the plurality of things. I'm guessing you have more than just that quarter? Maybe it would be beneficial to choose one item that bears the most sentimentality to you for a keepsake.
I kinda agree that it seems like maybe you're still grieving if you can't let go of a quarter, but have other items by which to remember him. It's okay - it's common for people to hold onto everything they can, but I think if someone truly loved you (as it sounds like your grandfather did), then they would want you to be free of material burdens.
Maybe you can hold a ceremonial ritual for your grandfather. I notice your username refers to Boddhisattvas. In the tradition of Buddhism I study, we hold a Puja ceremony to honor and cleanse the Self when a loved one passes. If you want, you can me & I'll tell you about it (or you can look it up on Wikipedia). Perhaps you could adjust the ceremony to meet your needs & with the habit of ritual remembrance, you can use it to honor your grandfather without worrying about losing a quarter. 
--------------------
full blown human
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jimboob
Stranger

Registered: 08/13/10
Posts: 627
Last seen: 9 years, 14 days
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My dude don't think too much about it. We can put our own value on any object, if that quarter reminds you of that moment than that's your own personal thing you shouldn't be ashamed of.
You let go by promising your grandpa hasn't died in vain, that he raised you well and you got something from having him in your life, and you live wisely and happily from here on out. That's what grandpa would've wanted, no?
Go put that quarter in a box somewhere in your room.
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LordSenate
One of the Lost



Registered: 09/15/02
Posts: 37,093
Loc: First Circle of Hell
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Hey man I know it is difficult losing love ones and I can only imagine how it feels when you are making yourself feel guilty. Listen to me man and listen well. I have said this a few times in meetings when I was in treatment. DO NOT be ashamed, Don't beat yourself up or dwell on things you have done. Now mind you I am not saying that you shouldn't look at things you have done in the past and not be like damn that wasn't good and I don't want to be like that anymore. Think about it, would you even do half of the shit you do sober as you would high? I will answer that question for you, no you wouldn't. You are a completely different person. Yeah you might be in there somehow but you aren't you. Your values and the things you hold dear go out the window when you are in the throws of addiction.
Try not to think of his passing all the time, I know it is hard, I have been there myself. But if you keep yourself busy you will find yourself being able to take you mind off it more and more and at that point it will cross your mind from time to time and you will acknowledge the fact that you miss him. It goes away with time.
Holding onto things and obsessing about them is very frustrating, I used to do the same thing. If you work on it, after a period of time you will learn how to control it and deal with it in a healthier manner.
Keep the quarter. There is nothing wrong with that. Like someone else suggested get rid of things you don't need. Anything that you feel is important to you or that was attached to a love one I would say hold onto.
I wish you the best and I am sorry for your loss.
I agree that you should work on doing healthy things and working towards being happy in your life. That is definitely what your grandpa would have wanted. Good luck.
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LordSenate
One of the Lost



Registered: 09/15/02
Posts: 37,093
Loc: First Circle of Hell
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Also I don't think holding onto the quarter in and of itself is still grieving. It is just a reminder of how special your grandpa was to you as far as I am concerned. However I DO think you are still grieving. I just don't think that is any indicator of it. You just sound like you are tearing yourself apart. Like I said in my previous post, relax and try and occupy yourself so as not to dwell on it and deal with it here and there as best as you can until you learn to deal with it better.
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SattvaBodhi
nobody

Registered: 08/09/13
Posts: 392
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Quote:
LordSenate said: Hey man I know it is difficult losing love ones and I can only imagine how it feels when you are making yourself feel guilty. Listen to me man and listen well. I have said this a few times in meetings when I was in treatment. DO NOT be ashamed, Don't beat yourself up or dwell on things you have done. Now mind you I am not saying that you shouldn't look at things you have done in the past and not be like damn that wasn't good and I don't want to be like that anymore. Think about it, would you even do half of the shit you do sober as you would high? I will answer that question for you, no you wouldn't. You are a completely different person. Yeah you might be in there somehow but you aren't you. Your values and the things you hold dear go out the window when you are in the throws of addiction.
Try not to think of his passing all the time, I know it is hard, I have been there myself. But if you keep yourself busy you will find yourself being able to take you mind off it more and more and at that point it will cross your mind from time to time and you will acknowledge the fact that you miss him. It goes away with time.
Holding onto things and obsessing about them is very frustrating, I used to do the same thing. If you work on it, after a period of time you will learn how to control it and deal with it in a healthier manner.
Keep the quarter. There is nothing wrong with that. Like someone else suggested get rid of things you don't need. Anything that you feel is important to you or that was attached to a love one I would say hold onto.
I wish you the best and I am sorry for your loss.
I agree that you should work on doing healthy things and working towards being happy in your life. That is definitely what your grandpa would have wanted. Good luck.
Quote:
LordSenate said: Also I don't think holding onto the quarter in and of itself is still grieving. It is just a reminder of how special your grandpa was to you as far as I am concerned. However I DO think you are still grieving. I just don't think that is any indicator of it. You just sound like you are tearing yourself apart. Like I said in my previous post, relax and try and occupy yourself so as not to dwell on it and deal with it here and there as best as you can until you learn to deal with it better.
That hit me hard man. In a good way but it hit me very hard. Thank you LS. :feelsbetterman:
-------------------- My ETSY shop .. stop by and look ***Disclaimer*** Everything I say in my posts is false. I have never done any drugs nor will I ever. Drugs are bad mmkay.
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LordSenate
One of the Lost



Registered: 09/15/02
Posts: 37,093
Loc: First Circle of Hell
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Always happy to help people with there problems and share my experiences. That is all I'm doing. I know what it feels like.
Hope you feel better man.
P.S. please forgive my typos I never read what I type before I post it lol.
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