It has been over a year since I have posted here on the Shroomery. This is the only place I can turn to. My friends will just laugh at me, religion institutions are bullshit, and my family doesn't understand. I'm at the end of my rope. You guys have helped me grow mushrooms in the past. Maybe you can help me when nobody else can.
Let me try and go back to where it all starts. My parents divorced at an early age, and my teen years in particular were extremely lonely. I never found a girlfriend or anything to really give me a purpose in life. It was simply the faith that things would get better that kept me going. Still I've always had this feeling that something is wrong with me. I'm keeping this very vague, but let's just say I have low self esteem.
When I was around 18 years old I moved out, got into a university. I got into growing shrooms, extracting DMT, etc etc, read my old posts if you want more details. I felt great from my trips and seeing the "other side", but eventually I got a feeling that I should stop. Maybe it was that DMT elf telling me "don't come back here", but I don't know. After I stopped, I kept having these doubts about myself. Like that wasn't going to ever be happy, and that I am doomed to fail at life, that things aren't ever going to work out for me, that I'm a fuck up and that I should just get it over and kill myself now so that I don't have to go through life feeling like a fuck up.
Let me fast forward to now. I just turned 21 yesterday. I have no girlfriend, I rarely talk to my family, I have a few good friends, but they don't provide me with a sense of purpose or very much happiness. I have very few useful talents. I simply go to college (double major economics and political science), and when I'm not in class I'm usually feeling pretty depressed, lonely, and worthless. I'm not good at anything. I'm too afraid to talk to girls, I can't draw worth shit, I'm not all that creative, I'm not athletic, I'm smart but I'm certainly no genius, I don't feel like I'm a very interesting person, I get angry alot at myself. Overall I just feel worthless. Like I'm a piece of shit and I don't deserve to live in this world because it would go on just fine and dandy without me.
There is one thing that I really enjoy, and I feel like I'm actually pretty good at it. That thing is screaming. Hardcore/emo/screamo vocals. Bands like Raein or Orchid. I love it. I feel like it makes me sort of unique and it let's me vent about my problems. I have tried so hard to get into a successful band. I don't need to be famous or anything, but if I could play some shows regionally with some friends that would be a dream come true. I bet you guys think I'm fucking weird.
I've practice so hard, at every opportunity I can find. But it seems like the world really doesn't want me to do this. When I practiced in my apartment, my landlord told me to stop because I was too loud. I tried practicing in parking lots in my car, but police told me I was too loud. I tried practicing in my car, but now police are pulling me over because I commit traffic violations because driving while screaming is hard multitasking for me. Tonight I got 2 tickets for "improper lane usage" - I honestly have no idea why, I was just driving, then saw lights in my rearview - and not wearing my seatbelt. This is my 4th ticket in the past few months, so my license will most likely be suspended. It's always me sitting around my apartment, lonely as hell, deciding I should go practice some vocals, and then getting pulled over for BS such as not using a turn signal when turning into my own apartment, or doing a rolling stop at a stop sign. It's so fucking frustrating.
As for finding a band, I have posted stuff on Craigslist, posted flyers around my campus, I have asked everyone I can. Nobody wants to start a screamo band anymore. The genre is out of style. It sucks. Screaming is all I have. I'm not coordinated enough to play guitar well, and my rhythm isn't at drummer level. Screaming is all I have.
I was in a band several months ago. But the guitarist had a heroin addiction, and it led to drama within the band. Long story short, we broke up all feeling pissed at each other. Today, the guitarist is in jail, the drummer is in a "sellout" pop-punk band with no interest in returning to the "underground" scene, and the bassist lives in California. I am sitting here with nobody to jam with.
It's really frustrating because I try to practice but society won't let me. I can't practice in my own apartment. I can't practice in my car. I can't practice while driving. It sucks. Like, imagine if a basketball player couldn't shoot hoops, or an artist wasn't allowed to paint. The one freaking thing I'm decent at, I'm not even allowed to do. Plus, my license is probably getting suspended.
On sort of a side note, I just want to express how frustrating it is to be a "failed screamer". Screaming is something that people do when they are pissed off or angry. Most people look at screaming music as a laughable temper tantrum. I've had so many people look at me funny when I tell them I like to do screaming vocals. To fail at it, as in not being able to find a band or even fucking practice without getting into trouble, well it makes me feel like a pile of goat feces.
I would move away. Find somewhere else to go. Get out of this stupid fucking town. But I'm in college. There's no way my credits would transfer. I'm stuck in this town for the next 2 years while I finish school. There's no way around it.
I try so fucking hard to live healthy. I run 2 miles every single day. I don't smoke cigarettes. I eat a pescetarian diet. I feel really healthy physically. I feel like I'm an attractive person on the outside. I feel really good about myself in that sense.
But inside, I feel like shit. I've never had a girlfriend or anything. I'm afraid to talk to people. I don't wanna put on some big act for people. I'm quirky and weird as fuck, and I don't know what to do about it. It just makes me wanna scream more, but oh wait, there's no place I can do that.
I'm really on the verge of killing myself. I don't see why not. Nobody would really miss me that much. I'm not getting what I want to out of life. Nobody loves me, it's most likely nobody ever will, I had some fun drug uses, society fucking hates me anyway, why shouldn't I. Seriously, why shouldn't I?
The one thing keeping me from doing this is my drug experiences itself. I've done enough DMT to know that death is not going to mess around. There's a very good chance I'll go to "hell" because of how negatively I feel about myself. Needless to say, I am terrified of death. That's why I haven't done myself in yet, the fear of death. By living, I'm simply prolonging my demise.
I try really hard to be a good person. I try not to hurt people, and I try to be as nice as I can to people. I wasn't always nice. I was an asshole and a mean person when I was younger. But I've tried to make up for it by being nicer. I do what I can, but it just never seems to work out. I still feel like the whole world hates me, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I just really need some help guys. It has been a few hours since my traffic ticket, so I've calmed down. I'm not suicidal, but I'm really down in the dumps. The one talent that gives me some sort of purpose keeps getting me into trouble, and society hates me for it.
What should I do? How do I feel better? How can I get out of this slump? Please help!!!!
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Ok, in no particular order:
running 2 miles daily, good on you. probably overkill, but yeah definitely better than being a couch potato.
never having girls - try to read this SEVERAL TIMES because your brain will tell you it's not important, and it is. PUA material. PUA material. fucking PUA material. Not working out, not "being yourself" not any other shit like that. PUA material. Do that daily for a month, see how it goes.
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I've practice so hard, at every opportunity I can find. But it seems like the world really doesn't want me to do this
And may the gods bless the world for that You sound like an ok dude, but emo screamer bands? Really? Fuck I'm glad I can't hear that right now. The sheer amount of peace and quiet is amazing.
Be all that you can be, I hope you can make it in whatever field you choose for yourself, and if it's screamer bands I hope I never hear any of it, ever 
If you want to improve your drawing skills drop me a pm, I'm an artist and love to spread the knowledge to fellow shroomerites.
Oh and wtf are you doing studying that boring crap? I did the same for my first degree, and Jeeeezus were those ever wasted years off my life. Completely useless now in retrospect.
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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