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Anonymous #1
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A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression.
#18888948 - 09/25/13 11:55 AM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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When I first started reading into psychology and drugs I thought that this was the end. This is what would lead me to finding myself. Mind you, I have changed things such as no longer smoking weed (it's psychedelic to me. full on audio hallucinations and such), I have a shitty 15 hour a week job, I just moved to a new state, going to college, and finally feel guilty. What? I'm changing my life for the better slightly and feel bad? Yeah...
It all started a few months back, in December. You see it actually started much earlier and I know exactly what it was but it hurts to bring up. To put this into the easiest most condensed version, I lost my father to cancer and my oldest brother to drugs in the same week. My father was my pastor and had been battling cancer for many years and it came to the end of the road. He fell into a deep coma the night of Christmas, December 25th. The next day the nurse who took care of him in our home brought the new drugs such as lorazepam and such. My brother was off at work and abused these as if they were his source of happiness. He was fighting addiction to Xanax which started from anxiety surfacing over losing Dad. We all knew it was coming...
The night of December 26th I saw my brother stumble in just like many nights of his overdone benzos. This time it was my fathers liquid max strength lorazepam which was for the cancer. He took the whole 60mg. I'm not sure how it affected him but he walked off and came back to steal my food I had. On the couch he began saying messed up things to me. Things like, "some tribes eat the sperm of their dead relatives who had power in life to gain it themselves" then a nod so much that yelling was the only thing to bring him back. At one point in my mind I said, "I wish you would just overdose... you cause too much pain to us". And this is where my guilt comes in.
That morning of December 27th I can still hear my mom's voice at 10:00am getting louder and louder to wake him up for work. She shook him and then yelled out "he's dead" with a shriek that haunts. I immediately jumped up, put my ear to his mouth, fingers to his carotid, and stood quietly. I got my wish. He was blue in some parts, extremely cold, and had vomit in his mouth. I remember hearing the wheezing the night before and ignoring it as if it was comparable to yawning.
So that day my dad was transferred to a hospice as police and nurses came and went. Friends and church members from all over the state and country came but I didn't care. I need someone to have told this to. My brothers death was my fault. I was and am only 18. My dad's birthday was this 21st of September, mine the 29th. Anyways we lost him on the 30th around 9:00pm. Never being able to say goodbye to now my grandfather, father, or brother, I am completely dead inside.
I have experimented with some drugs like 4-aco-dmt to try and get through it. It helps, really, I see death as such a lighter topic than just 6 months ago. The thing that eats me is feeling like I am destroying myself. Since my brother who informed me of such things as kratom or DMT or Kava or benzos (he never touched a hallucinogen which is all I touch).
I just can't live with myself though I have to. I want the world to end such as the "tribulation" I was told about in sunday school or WWIII. If I go the christian route, my brother is in hell. Was it a suicide? WAS IT!? He just turned 26 on December 13. The irony that December 26th was the day of his death...
I'm so alone in a home full of people who don't know, save my other brother who is 23 and we have discussed this many times. I have no friends in this state. My dreams switch from happy times with my father and brother to demonic in nature.
If you ever come across this story again, it might be because I got my mind out. I plan to become a shoulder to lean on for people with drug addictions, I just don't know if I can stand myself.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#18889082 - 09/25/13 12:31 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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You are not of this body, you are not of this mind. Neither were they. You need not fight anything, you've already won. There is no losing, only existing in these moments, if even these moments mean demonic, pain, death, loss, empty. This has shaped you. There is a reason, don't you think? You already mentioned it, you want to help people. There is no reason for sorrow or regret, none at all, however I wouldn't tell you to stop feeling them, they are part of this dream, accepting this is peace.
Through this pain you will live a life more whole and appreciated than none else could who hasn't experienced the same.
I leave one piece of advice, follow your passions and nothing else. This is my way of trying to help you, but I don't think you really need help.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#18889214 - 09/25/13 01:05 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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You just have to believe that you will see them again when you bite the bullet. I've lost my 3 closest friends to OD's and 1 suicide, and my dad passed away month ago. Regret comes naturally, there are always things that we would have liked to have done differently. Or times where we feel we could have intervened. But we don't get to go back in time, and no matter how perfect we live our lives regret is unavoidable. Acceptance is the key.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#18889379 - 09/25/13 01:44 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thank you guys. Both of those replies are how I truly feel in my heart. Sometimes I just lose sight of it and such.
I really draw a lot of feelings from music in general so maybe that can be my outlet? I'm planning on reading the Bible a bit though. My brother brought that up to me, maybe it'll be good to finally READ what I was taught.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#18889981 - 09/25/13 04:01 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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3 magic words is a movie I just watched, it helped me look at everything in a more positive light.
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Anonymous #4
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #3]
#18890443 - 09/25/13 05:41 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Anonymous #5
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #4]
#18893000 - 09/26/13 08:11 AM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Such a sad story. Op, stop the drugs at the moment. Surely you've heard that you shouldn't do psychedelics while in a bad state of mind. You feel guilt. You need to know it wasn't you're fault that your bro died. Us at the shroomery, especially in the anon forum can't give you complete redemption. People have malicious thoughts occasionally, it's natural, it occurs sometimes when we're in an emotional state of mind. You were in an emotional state of mind because of your fathers condition. Your brother would have been in a very similar one. The only difference between your brother and you is he decided to run away from lifes problems with drugs, while your self and everyone else were confronting and fighting your emotions, facing the facts that your father was likely close to passing away. Your brother was cowardly. I'm sorry for being that blunt, and also attacking someone who's passed away and can not defend them selves, but it is true. This is why your self and likely the people around you became annoyed with his behaviour; while you were all battling, he was running. You were already in an emotional state, and it feels good to be able to relieve some emotional pressure onto someone. Your brother handled the situation wrong, wishes don't come true; anyone would have resented him for his behaviour; you've nothing to be ashamed of. If you're confident enough, maybe even mention it to your mum, you'll probably find she had a regrettable thought about him too. Look past the recent events; you know you loved him in some way; that's all that matters. Hope you get over this soon man, and once again; quit the drugs for the moment.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#18893365 - 09/26/13 10:11 AM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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OP - It was not your fault. It was NOT your fault! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! You're just a kid. You didn't know any better and that night was no different than any other night he came home fucked up. Don't blame yourself. It was your brothers actions and your brothers fault.
You need to go through the stages of grief and before anything, let yourself be angry at your brother. Stop putting all the weight on yourself and put it on him. You will move to acceptance that way and it is not a betrayal to be mad at your brother for leaving you in the time when you needed him most. Please don't blame yourself man, you have enough of a burden to carry without having to blame yourself for everything that happened. You have a life to start and you need to let yourself grieve properly.
You'll get through this man. I wish you the best
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Anonymous #7
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Re: A sad story I must tell. I'm fighting depression. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#18893518 - 09/26/13 11:03 AM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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