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Anonymous #1

Hopeful, but nervouse and uncertain...
    #18873783 - 09/21/13 08:45 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Tell me, what you think - I could need some nice words now...

I am a person with a tendency to be a social very awkward person and tend to see myself/and feel like the Steppenwolf from Hermann Hesse's novel.
I am unemployed and only grow shrooms since oneandahalf years.
My hobbies are zen-meditation, psychedelics, meeting my girlfriend and , huh, growing mushrooms.
I'm in the mid 20s and started becoming a left-winged-radical autonomous direct after my A-level exams with 19 and was doing nothing but streetpolitics(yes, I know riots...) until I was 21.
I tell you this, because people who lived an extreme black white coloured world may know what I mean: The dream to bring freedom and justice to  all humans(and animals) with just a simple rule: anarchism – the feeling "you saw the light because you know a strategy for really everybody to be even and happy".
After that I started smoking weed every day and was carefully experimentating with psychedelics and started going to psytrance partys.
I never learned  something except growing psychedelic mushrooms.
I started practicing meditation(Zazen) and stopped smoking weed a year ago and tried to get my life under controll. .
I haven't worked a year and a half, because my psychic capacity was to low.
I tend to be really depressed, when I am, I am a very difficult person to handle, especially for my girlfriend.
My bills were paid by the state, I live in a very social country. This gave me time to think, recover and now I think I am strong enough for the next step.
I will start new. My plan:
I have to learn the language of ancient greece, that will take one year at university PLUS six months refreshing my latin.
Then I plan to move to a bigger city(already know which, over 1mio citizen) to study latin(66%) and ancient greek(33%) trying to get a Bachelor o.A. degree.
Latin teachers are a maximal lack in my country so I hope to become a latin teacher without a master o.Ed. and get a not-limited contract as quick as possible to earn to buy a place near a wood out of the metropoles(now my city has 350k citizen).
That is my dream since ever. I want a fjord horse, a cat and very much nature.
This is a big step for me.
The things are pretty overwhelming in the last days and I start to be very nervous, the job started, in two weed the ancient greek-course starts.
Maybe it's stupid to ask for, but I would like you to tell me everything that comes to your mind when you read this, no matter of critics or cheering up – I need conversation and input from strangers to be able to reflect.
Thank you.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Hopeful, but nervouse and uncertain... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18873807 - 09/21/13 08:51 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Hey man, you sound like a pretty cool dude.
As long as your doing what you feel is right
and making you happy, then your on the right
path imo. If you get anxious/nervous try to
look at the bigger picture of things.

Nothing really matters as long as your not
hurting anyone and doing what makes you happy.
Nothing to be afraid, nervous or anxious of.

Wish you the best of luck!:heart:


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Anonymous #1

Re: Hopeful, but nervous and uncertain... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18874007 - 09/21/13 09:47 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Thank you so much for your nice words! :heart:

It means very much to me - I've been living (maybe too) long at the borders of society.
I don't understand their system, but I try to follow the rules and social conventions as best as I can.
This isn't my first try to "get things done"... but it's the first one without being stoned(if you know what I mean).

I fear the feeling of losing me in a depressed moment producing an inner blockade that keeps me away from going to university/work/doing housework.
I hope so much that my weed-abstinence is the missing part for me to have the right view at the bigger picture.
My therapist(you know, one hour/week talking about my feelings and stuff) says, that weed weakens the ego and that abstinence and reflection will give me strenght - I hope to be strong enough...

Thanks again.


Edited by Anonymous (09/21/13 09:49 PM)


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Anonymous #2

Re: Hopeful, but nervous and uncertain... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18874032 - 09/21/13 09:58 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Your so welcome :heart:

It's hard to understand a social system that doesn't resonate with how you would like society to be.

I would try taking a break from cannabis for awhile and get your head straight without the THC. It has its pros and cons but if your don't need it for pain I wouldn't use it daily. Your just focused and have a lot going on right now which makes the bigger picture harder to see. Things will slow down eventually. They always do :thumbup:.
You WILL get through this and you WILL be stronger and realise you don't need cannabis. Maybe then once you lose the dependence on it you can casually start using it again in a healthy manner.

Much love :heart:


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Anonymous #1

Re: Hopeful, but nervous and uncertain... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18874158 - 09/21/13 10:40 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

I haven't smoked weed since a year now, so I hope I learned how to deal with myself at least enough to constantly visit that old greek-course and continue going to my work...
But the doubts never seem to stop nagging.

Whoever you are, thanks again!


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Anonymous #3

Re: Hopeful, but nervouse and uncertain... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18879578 - 09/23/13 08:21 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I'm in the mid 20s and started becoming a left-winged-radical autonomous direct after my A-level exams with 19 and was doing nothing but streetpolitics(yes, I know riots...) until I was 21.
I tell you this, because people who lived an extreme black white coloured world may know what I mean: The dream to bring freedom and justice to  all humans(and animals) with just a simple rule: anarchism – the feeling "you saw the light because you know a strategy for really everybody to be even and happy".



"There's nothing more dangerous than someone who wants to make the world a better place."


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