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PsilliCoder
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I need help. What should I do?
#18869021 - 09/20/13 06:49 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've made posts about this before and i've started doing good, but then went downhill again.
I've got a serious opiate addiction. It's ruining my life. I'm not horrible to the fact i'm doing 100mg a day or anything. But for the past 3 years i've been on opiates. It's gone from bad, to decent, to doing okay, to bad again.
My fiance and I both. We do around 30-45 mg a day of oxycodone. roxys for the most part. I was doing VERY good. Almost quit...then I met my neighbor. She gets a script of 30s every month. So they were literally across the dirt road from me. I started doing them a lot again. She was even fronting them to me, so I was racking up a big bill and giving her half my check every week. I was making decent money as well.
Well, i've lost my job now. Mainly due to my addiction, but not completely. I was doing a hydro 10 or 2 a day to lower my tolerance and take a different chemical. I was driving a truck and stopped at my grandmothers house 3 times in a week. Twice to get a hydro from her to feel okay so I could get my job done, the last time was to give her gas money to pick me up as my fiance had our car. They drug tested me and I told them I would fail for weed and pain meds. They started acting like bitches and pulled all this bullshit so I quit..Now i'm struggling to get my bills paid. I've been out of work for a week now. Had to sell my motorcycle.
I feel like my priorities are way out of wack. As well as my mind. I want to stop cold turkey on the pills, I really do. I ran across some of the oc20s I posted about a week ago. I did one yesterday and had 2 left that I was going to sell. Well by the end of the day yesterday I already felt like I was withdrawing so I just passed out. Today, we both woke up feeling horrible. I had the 2 ocs left but didn't want to do them. I ended up getting 2 xanax bars and me and her split one...That was too much. Passed out and woke up feeling shitty so I just did that last OC and gave her the other one.
I feel like cold turkey is the way to go because I don't want to be dependent on suboxone or methadone. I don't want to go to the methadone clinic and be red flagged for life in case I actually need something.
I feel like there are other deep seated issues that keep me doing drugs. But really, I don't know what to do now. I'm 25 and if I continue to do the pills, i'm going to lose everything that I have. I've already lost quite a bit.
I'm sorry if this is long and hard to read, i'm still a little fucked up on the xanax. I've got one bar left and i'm going to eat a quarter of it tomorrow when I start feeling shitty. What would you guys do? This is a serious problem. I'm not really sure what to do. I want to become a normal functioning part of society. I feel like i'm having trouble even finding another job.
I HAVE to get my life on track. I HAVE to better myself. I know this sounds a bit whiny, but dude. Somethings gotta give. I can't do it anymore. I dont want the opiates anymore at all. Ive spent so much money. Yet, I can't get through the 10 days or however long the withdrawals last. I go through severe depression and honestly even right now I feel like i'm not worth shit, ya know? I don't know how to get the help I need or what to do. I don't have any family to turn to or anything.
I didn't even want to type up this post, but I know most of you are genuinely good people and I know that some of you have been through this. What the hell can I do?
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c0exist
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869078 - 09/20/13 07:08 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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it sounds like a rough situation man.
DELETE ALL YOUR DEALERS NUMBERS. if you want off of them man you can do it.
its not a fucking cakewalk, dont get me wrong. but you can do it.
im in the process of getting off suboxone. getting on it was the hugest mistake ever. im currently at 1mg, and let me tell you this is pure hell. i personally would strongly advise against any sort of maintenance plan.
just suck it up and kick the oxy's man. i wish i woulda. although i planned all spring/summer at the end of the year i would stop working and move across the country to get 100% sober. i have somewhat of a money cushion saved up, so thats really helpful. it flat out sucks, i try to make the best of it.
exercise is HUGELY important. i dont feel like shit when im doing thangs and moving.
diet too, the better you eat the better you'll feel.
with all that off my chest, i wish you the best of luck brother.
you can do it.
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PsilliCoder
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Registered: 12/10/09
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: c0exist]
#18869099 - 09/20/13 07:14 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks man. This shit is rough. Hardest thing i've ever had to do by far.
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c0exist
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869116 - 09/20/13 07:22 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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yeah man. i know how you feel.
but it gets better. if you are determined you can do it.
if you need to talk about shit feel free to PM. im going through a similar situation, and i know its helpful as hell for me to have someone to talk to who understands what im going through.
keep on keepin on
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PsilliCoder
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Registered: 12/10/09
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869129 - 09/20/13 07:24 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I appreciate the hell out of that man. 
I know I can do it, it just shouldn't be taking as long as it has. I've been trying to get off them since the beginning of the year. I was doing great and almost there til I met my neighbors. It sucks balls!
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c0exist
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869152 - 09/20/13 07:29 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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i would make goddamn sure i cut them out of my life.. i know having that right net door access is tempting. but, i would make it clear to them you need to get clean, and they need to fuck off and peddle their pharmaceuticals elsewhere.
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PsilliCoder
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: c0exist]
#18869189 - 09/20/13 07:37 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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They're actually really nice people. It's a grandmother and grandfather who takes care of their sons kids..well just because he's a piece of shit..He's a good dude, not on any drugs or anything like that, but he's got a piece of shit woman in his life that doesn't want anything to do with HIS kids..But she has a kid that they give the world to. That's another story altogether. I've been talking to them about trying to get off them and i've asked her not to sell them to me but she can't turn down the money. The man just got a big disability check so she's not selling very many of them anymore and is out now which is a big plus.
They're good people and I like them, but damn my life would be better if I didn't meet them. But it's really not their fault.
The main problem is that I like the feeling so much and when I start withdrawing, that combined with my love of the feeling is a deadly combination. When I do something, all I can think about is how badly I don't want to do them anymore. But then when my body is going crazy needing the oxycodone, it's another story.
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fapjack
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869193 - 09/20/13 07:38 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I almost got 5 years now, I was strung out for a long time before hand on everything from methadone, to heroin, to poppy pods, and other various opiate pills. My suggestion to you is to go to a detox or a rehab, either will work find. Most people can't do cold turkey on their own with money in their bank account and a dealer near by. Bupe is an option to taper off, but it comes with its own issues. Your tolerance isn't that high, so the kick isn't going to be that bad. I would just go cold turkey as you said, just get the fuck out of dodge for a while. If you got someplace else to go that's an option, otherwise find a detox that is free (there are plenty of them.) If you need any advice feel free to PM me, I've been addicted off and on since I was 18-19 and I'm 30 now. It doesn't get easier with age, and time is never on your side when you have a habit.
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869194 - 09/20/13 07:38 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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You're probably never going to get away from it, living across the trailer park from your dealer. At least, not from what your current willpower sounds like.
That said, a 30-45 mg/day habit isn't big at all. I wouldn't doubt for a second that most of your withdrawals are strictly in your mind. Find something else to occupy the time with next time you try to quit.
When you actually do decide that you want to quit, sever yourself from the people that supply you, stop being a pussy and be sick for a few days, and then figure out what motivates you to use. Proceed from there.
I have confidence that when you do decide to quit you'll be able to stay away from it. You're not nearly in as bad of shape or in as deep as you could be. if you want to discuss further.
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PsilliCoder
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: fapjack]
#18869219 - 09/20/13 07:44 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I appreciate the hell out of it man. rehab or anything like that isn't an option. My fiance and I are buying this place and we have a mini zoo and nobody that could take care of the animals lol. I honestly think if I could get through 5 days, I could do it. Money in the bank isn't an issue right now. I'm struggling just to pay my bills since I lost my job. She is working but has a very shitty and stressful job.
It seems like every time I decide i'm going to quit, it gets a little easier in my mind to not go and get anything. It's just getting through this shitty feeling. It makes me feel like i'm not worth shit. All I ever feel like doing is laying down. I think the xanax will help a little bit, I think I just need to take a quarter of a bar instead of a half. The half made me feel shitty and just dead. I have NO tolerance to alprazolam.
I hope doing the OC doesn't make it too bad for me tomorrow or start over the withdrawal phase. Even when I did the oc 20 yesterday I still felt kinda shitty and like I was withdrawing a bit. I'm going to take a quarter of the bar tomorrow and hopefully be okay. I've just got to be able to focus and keep my eye on the prize. I've got so much programming I need to do and things like that and I feel like I can only do it when I have something. If I can get through at least a couple days then I can possibly start programming again to keep my mind off things.
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c0exist
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869232 - 09/20/13 07:46 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
PsilliCoder said: They're actually really nice people. It's a grandmother and grandfather who takes care of their sons kids..well just because he's a piece of shit..He's a good dude, not on any drugs or anything like that, but he's got a piece of shit woman in his life that doesn't want anything to do with HIS kids..But she has a kid that they give the world to. That's another story altogether. I've been talking to them about trying to get off them and i've asked her not to sell them to me but she can't turn down the money. The man just got a big disability check so she's not selling very many of them anymore and is out now which is a big plus.
They're good people and I like them, but damn my life would be better if I didn't meet them. But it's really not their fault.
The main problem is that I like the feeling so much and when I start withdrawing, that combined with my love of the feeling is a deadly combination. When I do something, all I can think about is how badly I don't want to do them anymore. But then when my body is going crazy needing the oxycodone, it's another story.
regardless if you like them or not, it comes down to the fact that they are the ones supplying you, and you dont need that in your life. i would explain that to the nicer of the two that situation..
then idk. personally i would sever that relationship. the lady is the one taking your money.. as hard as it is you should tell her to fuck off, and that you are seriously trying to better yourself.
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869240 - 09/20/13 07:48 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Don't start popping xanax for 30mg/day OC habit, or you're just going to end up with another habit to break later. And a much more annoying one, at that. Don't look into subs or methadone treatment either. It sounds to me like you're really not ready to stop yet. You might not have hit the absolute bottom and don't have a reason to quit yet.
You're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. It's called a drug "habit" for a reason. it's a routine and a defense mechanism. Flush or destroy your stash and take the hardest step. After you make it through a few days of sickness, it's only going to get easier. Gist of it is you need to man the fuck up to get somewhere with quitting.
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PsilliCoder
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Quote:
sVs said: You're probably never going to get away from it, living across the trailer park from your dealer. At least, not from what your current willpower sounds like.
That said, a 30-45 mg/day habit isn't big at all. I wouldn't doubt for a second that most of your withdrawals are strictly in your mind. Find something else to occupy the time with next time you try to quit.
When you actually do decide that you want to quit, sever yourself from the people that supply you, stop being a pussy and be sick for a few days, and then figure out what motivates you to use. Proceed from there.
I have confidence that when you do decide to quit you'll be able to stay away from it. You're not nearly in as bad of shape or in as deep as you could be. if you want to discuss further.
Haha i'm not sure if that's a stab at me or generally trying to help. But yeah, having a neighbor for a supplier makes it 10x harder.
My habit isn't that bad, but the withdrawals DEFINITELY are not all in my head. I don't know if it's because i've been doing that amount for so long or what. The most I do is 60mg a day. Which again, isn't that horrible.
I have nerve issues as well and I don't know if this plays a role in the way I feel or if it's a direct symptom from the pills/withdrawals. But I don't feel like i'm just 'being a pussy.' It's the worst thing i've ever experienced.
I want to start exercising again as i've got a little bit of a beer gut now and just generally out of shape..which isn't normally for me. I've always been in the gym, working out, and keeping myself in good shape. It's the initial push to start working out that is the hardest. I wanted to go run today but I couldn't bring myself to start. My willpower seems like it's gone from 100% to 0% since I started the pills.
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869254 - 09/20/13 07:51 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Like I said, quitting has to be motivated by a true desire to stop or else you will continue to relapse. Replacing one craving with another drug is even worse. Hell yeah, start exercising. Run until you puke every day. Start lifting, pick up a hobby. Anything to occupy your free time and to keep your mind busy.
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PsilliCoder
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: c0exist]
#18869276 - 09/20/13 07:54 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
c0exist said:
regardless if you like them or not, it comes down to the fact that they are the ones supplying you, and you dont need that in your life. ,i would explain that to the nicer of the two that situation..
then idk. personally i would sever that relationship. the lady is the one taking your money.. as hard as it is you should tell her to fuck off, and that you are seriously trying to better yourself.
You're exactly right. I've not been talking to them as much lately and she's already acting weird. Apparently, we're like their only friends. I need to just explain to them that i'm going to stay away from them for a little while just so I can get through this. She's been supportive of me quitting, but at the same time you're right. She is the one taking my money.
On another note, I don't even like xanax, the xanax are just to help me get through the withdrawals for the first few days. I definitely won't be replacing the pills with them. Hell, I regretted taking the half of a bar when it kicked in.
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c0exist
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869284 - 09/20/13 07:56 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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personally man i would make it a permanent stay from those people man.
sucks they dont have any other friends, but i mean that cant get in the way of you getting sober.. fuck that.
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PsilliCoder
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: c0exist]
#18869289 - 09/20/13 07:57 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yeah, you're right. It's just hard to do as they live directly across from me. They have helped me in other ways as well..They help me in any way they can really. But at times, I wish I would have never met them because I was so close before I did.
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fapjack
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: PsilliCoder]
#18869311 - 09/20/13 08:01 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
PsilliCoder said: I appreciate the hell out of it man. rehab or anything like that isn't an option. My fiance and I are buying this place and we have a mini zoo and nobody that could take care of the animals lol. I honestly think if I could get through 5 days, I could do it. Money in the bank isn't an issue right now. I'm struggling just to pay my bills since I lost my job. She is working but has a very shitty and stressful job.
It seems like every time I decide i'm going to quit, it gets a little easier in my mind to not go and get anything. It's just getting through this shitty feeling. It makes me feel like i'm not worth shit. All I ever feel like doing is laying down. I think the xanax will help a little bit, I think I just need to take a quarter of a bar instead of a half. The half made me feel shitty and just dead. I have NO tolerance to alprazolam.
I hope doing the OC doesn't make it too bad for me tomorrow or start over the withdrawal phase. Even when I did the oc 20 yesterday I still felt kinda shitty and like I was withdrawing a bit. I'm going to take a quarter of the bar tomorrow and hopefully be okay. I've just got to be able to focus and keep my eye on the prize. I've got so much programming I need to do and things like that and I feel like I can only do it when I have something. If I can get through at least a couple days then I can possibly start programming again to keep my mind off things.
One thing you gotta realize when you are strung out is you are better at lying to yourself than anyone else. What good is the zoo if you can't take care of yourself? You aren't going to get better, and staying around the house kicking has worked when in your experience? Kicking opiates isn't getting over the flu, its like starving yourself to death. Really, who would let themself starve when they have a case of hot pockets in the fridge?
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PsilliCoder
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: fapjack]
#18869334 - 09/20/13 08:04 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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You're right. There have been times where i've fully decided I was done...then later on just started thinking how easy it would be to walk next door and get something..I can't move, because i'm buying this place. But i'm seriously considering going and talking them and just asking them to please, please, not sell me anything. I think if she realizes how desperate I am, she'll listen. I'm about to go pick up some herb, which will help ALOT. I really feel like if I can get through the next 4-5 days that I can do it. The cravings are so just hard to fight at first.
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lifeiswhatyoumake
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Re: I need help. What should I do? [Re: c0exist]
#18869340 - 09/20/13 08:06 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
c0exist said: personally man i would make it a permanent stay from those people man.
sucks they dont have any other friends, but i mean that cant get in the way of you getting sober.. fuck that.
You can't help others until you have helped yourself, first.
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