Last night, I just realized how bad I have fucked up. I had a beautiful, trustworthy woman (Elizabeth) with a job and nursing degree. Her own car and a dad with 7 rental properties so she always had her own house to stay at. She kept up with bills and never blew money on drugs. We connected, and she was a freak in the bed to top it all off. Even tripped on shrooms with me 4 or 5 times.
She had three kids from two different fathers but I didn't care, at all. Her kids were awesome and amazing little shits that taught me more than I could ever teach them. In my eyes everything was perfect, exactly what I was looking for.
And I threw it all away for drugs. All I had to do was cut back, she never told me to quit. Just asked me to slow it down because of the kids. Shit, the girl never told me what to do, ever. She would just ask me and let me make my own decisions, without riding my ass.
We were together for 3 years and on our way to marriage, and I took it for granted. I see now, I started the fights that ended it all. Something in my subconscious doesn't want me to get married so when it gets close to time I sabotage the relationship. This is the third time I ran a girl off right before marriage happened. WTF is wrong with me?
Now I'm fucking this sexy hoe with daddy issues who doesn't want any sort of relationship with anyone. Although, she is always there either beside me or on my phone checking on me to see how I'm doing. We hooked up 3 weeks ago and have not seen each other maybe 3 or 4 days. (I don't understand and I don't ask. ) I want to be in a relationship, but not with her.
This shit is eating me up so bad I couldn't even get my barn raised for sexy time this morning. (Now where the fuck am I gonna park my tractor?) Pretty embarrassing I guess but no fucks are given about that.
I gotta get real busy real fast.
I decided last night that my drinking has got to stop. I have become so dependent on it since I broke it off with Elizabeth. I need to sober myself up and find another perfect woman so I can get this life thing going again. I tell myself I don't want a family, but I'm just lying to make myself feel better.
Thanks guys for listening to my ranting and raving, I know I've been doing a lot of it lately. Crossroads I guess.
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