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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Update: RIP Grandpa; I'm going to miss you)
#18842986 - 09/15/13 12:08 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I typed up a huge, long post about how important my grandpa is and how I should have talked with him more about the past he bore witness to and what he thinks we should focus on in the future, but I'm sobbing so hard I can barely read the screen of my iPad Mini right now, so...
PLEASE send good vibes to my grandfather and last surviving Grandparent, Eugine Higgins, who is now in North Kansas City hospital.
I can't even begin to explain what he means to me, and he needs to live a few more months even though his heart is failing so that I can at leatst finally hear about the history he bore witness to (including serving nobly and honorably in the US Navy during WW2) and to, perhaps more importantly, hear what he thinks we need to focus on for the future.
He means so much to me and he's dying... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING??!?
God, if you are real, FUCK YOU WITH A MOLTEN BASTARD SWORD YOU SICK FUCK!!!
As a MOTHERFUCKING TRIVIAL aside, when he dies I'm going to be at EEEEXXXTTTTREEEEEEMMMMEEE risk of relapsing on DXM, whether I like it or not. This scares me seriously.
Do you guys think I should get an Ativan or Klinipin prescription to make sure I get through the anxiety without relapsing on DXM?
WHO THE FUCK CARES!?! MY BELOVED Grandfather, a commendable and FUCKING NOBLE veteran and citizen/grandfather, has a failing heart and is dying...
I cannot take this. I literally am sobbing so hard I cannot make out the screen and am touch typing, so I'm just going to hit the submit button and absolutely BESEECH of you guys some good vibes exclusively in my Grandpa's direction.
Please.... I can't take this. I can only imagine what my mom is going through.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
Edited by st1llnox (09/27/13 01:22 AM)
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843018 - 09/15/13 12:21 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Right when I was crying most hysterically, a *beautiful* cat came to see me off the street.
He was just a little hesitant at first, but I opened my arms to indicate no harmful intentions/compassion, and the kitty came up and nuzzled against me and let me pet him.
I offered him some pop tart (my comfort food for this present debacle) but he didn't like it. I then managed to get him to sit still outside my house long enough to warm him up a plateful of 1% milk, hoping he's like this better.
He had a couple tastes and then nuzzled up against me a little more, letting me pet him some more.
Then, with me greatly cheered up, he wandered back off into the upper-class suburban night.
What a good kitty. So thoughtful, too.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Lizard Eyes
Lost Soul



Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 1,876
Loc: Right Where I'm supposed ...
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843020 - 09/15/13 12:23 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote from Little Miss Sunshine, coincidentally this movie deals with the death of a grandpa too.
Quote:
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
What Einstein had to say about death
Quote:
"Now Besso has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us ... know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
Hope that doesn't sound cheesy or anything but I don't know what else to say. Those kinda of thoughts are what help me get through the tough stuff.
I'm pulling for your gramps, your posts makes me want to change my relationship with my own grandparents. It's been too long since I've had a good long talk with them.
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 Every little thing is gonna be alright All you need is love Nobody's right, Nobody's wrong, Life's just a game it's just one epic holiday!
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snoot
look alive ∞



Registered: 01/30/05
Posts: 9,641
Loc: 45º parallel
Last seen: 6 days, 9 hours
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843021 - 09/15/13 12:23 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I hope it all works out my man.
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∞ I am incapable of conceiving infinity, and yet I do not accept finity. - Simone de Beauvoir -
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omegafaust
mycofarmer



Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 1,227
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: snoot]
#18843038 - 09/15/13 12:30 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I lost my grandfather to a rare fungal skin cancer a couple years ago. my father left before I knew him and my grandfather was my main father figure i love that man and his memory is alive in me to this day.
I wish absolutely the best for your grandfather. many good vibes.
if you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me
-------------------- The Universe has an interesting sense of irony, in that you are the universe experiencing itself. All you are is a thought.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: omegafaust]
#18843067 - 09/15/13 12:43 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lizard Eyes said: Quote from Little Miss Sunshine, coincidentally this movie deals with the death of a grandpa too.
Quote:
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
What Einstein had to say about death
Quote:
"Now Besso has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us ... know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
Hope that doesn't sound cheesy or anything but I don't know what else to say. Those kinda of thoughts are what help me get through the tough stuff.
I'm pulling for your gramps, your posts makes me want to change my relationship with my own grandparents. It's been too long since I've had a good long talk with them.

Thank you SO much. Your post brings my great comfort in this time of great tribulation.
Little Miss Sunshine... 20 years on a book almost nobody reads sound like the Stephen Wolfram (magnum opus) that I'm reading right now.
Almost ironically, your post brings me even further comfort about how SHITTY the last 2 years of my own life have been, even (greatly!) allaying my bad feelings about how I really did waste 2 of my possibly-prime years. I care much more about my Grandpa though and while posterity will not be able to offer him anything for the suffering he's going through, perhaps heaven will seem that much sweeter.
Plus, he had 50 FUCKING YEARS OF MARRIAGE to Katherine Higgins, his astoundingly amazing wife, who left our stratum of the cosmos almost 10 years ago. I'll bet he's pretty damned close to ready to finally kiss his beloved once more...
Your Einstein quote, too, brings me great comfort, especially given my propensity towards intellectualism. It reminds me very much of either Epictetus or Epicurus, who said something along the lines of, "we don't fear nonexistence in the time before we are born, so it is irrational to fear nonexistence in the time after our death".
Between you two replies and that Kitty (an aptly-timed angel or demon of some sort, perhaps) [HOLY SHIT: as I typed that, Kitty has returned and is re-evaluating my offer of warm milk, which I left on the lawn], I'm feeling much better.
Although I'm considering calling in to work tomorrow in favor of spending as many waking moments with my pappy as possible. What do you guys think? Justifiable? I mean, he's my fucking family for judas' sake.
Still... I need at least another month or two with him, as long as that time would see him more as himself and not suffering and in a very mild delirium as he's in right now.
ALTHOUGH MARK MY FUCKING WORDS: The doctor that gives him Haldol/haloperidol LOSES HIS FUCKING TESTICLES, and I will circumcise her if it's a female doctor.
I'm exhausted and still somewhat downtrodden. Thanks all of you.Quote:
omegafaust said: I lost my grandfather to a rare fungal skin cancer a couple years ago. my father left before I knew him and my grandfather was my main father figure i love that man and his memory is alive in me to this day.
I wish absolutely the best for your grandfather. many good vibes.
if you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me
Thank you sooo much. It is supremely meaningful to connect with someone who holds his grandfather in similarly high regard. I will very likely take up your offer on a PM, especially since his death poses a HUGE relapse risk for me.
LIZARD EYES, I need you to do something for me: spend time with your grandfather. As many minutes as you can afford, and more. Learn about his life. Hear and relive his experiences. He will REVEL in getting to share them with someone. And hear what he thinks about what's important for the future.
We, the young, are easily sensationalized and are apt to lose sight of the big-picture. People who's perspective has such longitudinal grounding and who are so inertially insulated from the distractions of sensationalism have more important insights than any of us, even I, can hope to realize.
Spend some time with him. Don't find yourself with your grandfather dying in a hospital bed in a delirium before you get a chance to give him the OPPORTUNITY to share his life with you. There's no greater gift he can bestow you--do not squander your chance to have this. Please.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843074 - 09/15/13 12:47 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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BTW, more good vibes, prayers, and goat sacrifices, if ya'll could.
It would comfort me to know about them to, if you can be bothered to reply
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Le_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843079 - 09/15/13 12:50 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've got the goat sacrifice part covered. But yeah, I hope your grandpa can pull through. With older folks, it's kind of touch and go.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: Le_Canard]
#18843082 - 09/15/13 12:52 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
ToiletDuk said: I've got the goat sacrifice part covered. But yeah, I hope your grandpa can pull through. With older folks, it's kind of touch and go.
You speak well. I've resigned to the macabre reality that the remainder of his life amounts to as little as several more hours (why I'm tempted to call in) or, at the most (possibly even ignorantly) up to perhaps 6 months.
Even a month or two would be better than amazing. Better than I can hope for, but perhaps the stars will align and the few gods I've encountered will see to it that this comes to pass...
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Kilgore Trout
Yachts on the reg

Registered: 07/09/12
Posts: 9,863
Loc: Metro City, USA
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843087 - 09/15/13 12:59 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I lost both of my grandfathers this year. It sucks, but in my family at least, it brings everyone else closer together.
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lessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843094 - 09/15/13 01:02 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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peace, hope he gets better
having a pet wouldn't hurt, something to be happy for everyday in hard times
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: lessismore]
#18843097 - 09/15/13 01:04 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
mio said: peace, hope he gets better
having a pet wouldn't hurt, something to be happy for everyday in hard times
Maybe it's time to finally get a female rat. Good suggestion, my friend.
Thank you, too, Cannibal. Means a lot. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I'm glad your family cohesion hasn't been compromised having lost its patriarchs for its respective sides.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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mr sniffles
expert textpert


Registered: 06/03/13
Posts: 1,663
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843145 - 09/15/13 01:42 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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damn, i feel like im so far apart from my family. i only hope i can make money and then try to give them the best life i can give them as possible because they raised me so well. coming from my heart. good vibes to you my man, hope everything works out okay.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: mr sniffles]
#18843171 - 09/15/13 01:53 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
k3nnyw said: damn, i feel like im so far apart from my family. i only hope i can make money and then try to give them the best life i can give them as possible because they raised me so well. coming from my heart. good vibes to you my man, hope everything works out okay.
You are a good man. A very good, absolutely resplendent man.
Part of why I'm thinking I'm going to continue on in Computer Science (PhD-wise) rather than philosophy is that I'd start around at least 100 thousand dollars a year rather than closer to 20 or 30 thousand dollars, so that I can make sure that if ANYTHING comes up in my parents old age that I will be able to accommodate and support them, whatever sort of needs may emerge.
They deserve much better than they got from me as of late, and far be it from me to not make sure I do my very best to redeem myself and make sure that whatever they need, they get, be it housing, a luxury retirement community, or whathaveyou.
Thanks again, Kenny. This means so much to me and is a welcome speck of comfort in this sea of tribulation.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843198 - 09/15/13 02:18 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Bump for more good vibes his direction and because I care more about him than I could possibly care for the parameters of proper shroomery conduct.
I am really scared of the implications this could have concerning a DXM relapse. I need to stay strong.
The cat came back to see me. He had a little more of the milk I left out, if I didn't say this already (I drank a little earlier trying to sleep and take the edge off this).
I was really glad he got to enjoy more of the treat I wanted to give him. He was such a nice kitty.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843255 - 09/15/13 02:53 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think that this ungodly, sleep-eluding hour, it's clear I'm not going to be attending work tomorrow (or, to be more correct, today).
Family is more important than any job or career though. Far more important.
I'll be glad to get to spend the day with Eugene.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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omegafaust
mycofarmer



Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 1,227
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: st1llnox]
#18843796 - 09/15/13 09:19 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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That's probably a good idea. Spend every second you can spare with him. maybe take a recorder to record his stories when you get the chance.
And try not to relapse man. think about how your grandpa would feel if he knew or had to see you like that.
-------------------- The Universe has an interesting sense of irony, in that you are the universe experiencing itself. All you are is a thought.
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Adden

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 39,201
Loc:
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: Kilgore Trout]
#18843806 - 09/15/13 09:24 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Cannibal Concubine said: I lost both of my grandfathers this year. It sucks, but in my family at least, it brings everyone else closer together.
Fuck off to, um, here.
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Magicman69
All About the Benjamins



Registered: 05/29/13
Posts: 6,876
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: Adden]
#18843832 - 09/15/13 09:31 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Nox sorry to hear at your grandpa. My only grandparent still alive is a 90 year old grandfather with dementia. He hardly remembers us anymore and refuses to leave his nursing home because he thinks my Dad is trying to kill him . I'm just saying that the quality of life decreases extremely and it is very sad to watch. Sometimes sooner is better.
Edited by Magicman69 (09/15/13 09:31 AM)
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VivaLaMushie
RIP LS :(


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 15,711
Loc: Switzerland
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Re: Please send my Grandfather good vibes and prayers (Eugine Higgins). Also, this is a relapse risk. [Re: Magicman69]
#18843988 - 09/15/13 10:21 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Sorry still.
My grandpa died unexpectedly when I was young, I didn't know him very well but I know when my grandmas time is up, its going to be really hard. She used to rescue me, drive an hour one way to pick me up for countless weekends when my mom would be acting like a psycho.
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