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InvisibleMasked
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My world has officially crumbled...
    #18828388 - 09/11/13 03:39 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

...now with it being OFFICIALLY in a ruined wasteland, I can try to rebuild it, one stone at a time.

Of course, being so fresh, I'm absolutely devastated.

Of course, she's the victim in it and I'm the bad guy. /endsarcasm.  I know it's what I want and what I've pushed for, but to hear her tell me she wants to start dating, telling me how she's realizing she'll never be happy with me, telling me all the things about me that don't work for her...it's extremely heart breaking.  Especially when we had a phone call a week ago where I said and I quote, "I'm afraid I forsee you distancing from me more and more as this separation continues.  I can see you realizing you don't love me anymore and I can see you feeling lonely and filling the "void" with another man". 

Well after that phone call, she made it seem like she was really missing me.  Made it seem like she really wanted to work on things. 

So basically in one week, she changed her mind from wanting to be with me, to not wanting to be with me.  Of course, their are a lot more variables going on here, but in a nutshell, that's all I can think about.  What changed from then to now?

When I pushed for that reason...she initially started claiming it was the time apart and it just made her realize it more and more.  I pushed more and then she confessed that some silly little disagreement we had about me not being available to drive our step daughter to and from school on some of my days off(that's a whole other story), was the cause to realize that I'll never change.

So I realize she still gets bent out of shape over petty things.  I realize that when I make reasonable decisions that she doesn't like, she'll still make unreasonable reactions to them

And of course, I know it's for the best for me too.  But after the horrible things this woman has done to me(some, to horrible to even want to talk about), it feels like I should be saying to her all the things she's saying to me.  But I've been a coward and let myself be on the receiving end of the rejection and pain.  I take it one step further and try to victimize myself a little more even by doing some subtle guilt tripping.  On one level it is how I'm feeling, but on another level I realize this needs to happen and I should be saying, "nope good.  I agree, your not the woman for me".  Basically, my emotions consume me and I'm being a little bitch at times like this.

Of course, it happens on the one day I have the children(today).  I feel like I can't breathe, my head and heart are a hurricane of unpleasant emotions, I find it hard not to cry and I feel in utter despair...hard to be a good dad at a time like right now.

Of course, received news last night that my grandma who helped raise me is being moved to a hospice house when they have an opening.  She's in rehab after a bad stroke and is refusing to participate, refusing her meds, refusing to eat and now that her kidneys have officially failed, she's refusing dialysis.  So now her heart is getting weak and she's on oxygen.  They don't figure she'll last longer then a couple weeks.  If there isn't an opening in the hospice, it's likely she'll die in the rehab unit of the hospital.  So because of this, they have given her a private room.

Knowing there's nothing I can do, I can't control the situation and feeling so lost and upset...I don't know where to go from here.  I realize this is a chance to rebuild my life.  I'm going to be a single dad now and I have to take that into consideration when considering my next steps.

It's very difficult for me to expand my social circle and "get out there", so to say.  I work shift work (see here for my schedule "http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/18820859#18820859").  So on days I work, I'm a write off.  Wake up at 3:30, go to work for 4:30/5:00, get home 5:00/5:30, eat dinner, hopefully fall asleep by 9:00 and get 6 or 7 hours of sleep for the next shift.

But I get lots of days off.  But on the majority of my days off, I am obligated and wanting to be a dad and have my son and step daughter over.

There's the odd time I have an extra night to myself.  I usually spend it recharging batteries...loud music, a few beers, clean the house, watch movies, etc.  On those odd nights to myself, how do I "get out there"?  I realize I left out that all my close friends have moved away.  It seems the closer you get to the 30, the more career orientated everyone gets.  They are all moving to the big cities, usually Edmonton or Vancouver, getting married, having kids.  I have a friend I made at my last job that I see once in awhile, but he's got a family and his own obligations.

There lies my other problem.  I have absoulutely no one to talk to or to get advice from.  I could call a couple of the aforementioned friends, but every time I call it seems they are having dinner or doing some family thing.  It just seems hard to start delving into serious shit with them about how I'm feeling.  So I rely on you my shroomery brothers and sisters :wink:

So when I say "get out there", it's not necessarily dating.  It's the last thing on my mind actually.  I already have someone I'm crazy about, but she's in a different city.  That's a whole other story.  I need to rebuild myself before I'd be any good to someone anyway.

But how to make friends and get out there back in the social scene?  Remember, this is a blue collar, small town, where the social scene is hit to pass races, floating down the river having drinks, pubs and bars.  Almost everything around here revolves around drinking.  Which I don't mind, but I also don't want to be a bar star.  I did those years when I was 19-21, and I've had enough of that for a life time :lol:  That is definitely not my scene.

I'm 29.  I feel I've been out of the game for so long, even if I was to find a group of friends that has bbqs, goes camping, goes to the pub every now and then, they are most likely going to be like 8 years younger then me.  I don't judge by age, but I find many do.  It seems people in this town are very "clicky"...how to you weasel your way in to their social circle, especially when your 8 years older? :lol:

The people my age are generally family people with all sorts of obligations and zero spare time...and again, very "clicky".  They have their long time friends, their close circle.  As did I, but mine moved away.

I realize at this point I've just sort of went into a long winded ramble.

Not going to lie, I feel very low right now.  I don't know how to pick back up the pieces and I feel like I have nothing to offer to the world, or that special someone.  I have lost all my confidence and don't have much self worth anymore, after being in the trenches of war for 4 years, so to speak.  I truly feel traumatized in every sense of the word with what I've been through in the last 4 years and now with the huge FINALE.

But, on the upside, in my possession as of today I have 3 books:

Food of the God - Terrence Mckenna
True Hallucinations - Terrence Mckenna
The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge - Carlos Castaneda

The first two I have owned twice, but I keep giving them away as gifts to interesting people I would meet back in the day :lol:  I just like having them in my collection.

Anyway, one stone at a time, hopefully my world will be rebuilt a little stronger, a little prettier.

And tips or advice are welcome, but I just wanted to vent and share what's going on in my life.  Thanks for listening and reading.

:heart:


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.


Edited by Masked (09/11/13 04:04 PM)


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Invisibleunknown1123
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked] * 1
    #18830216 - 09/11/13 09:53 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Get in shape, start playing co ed sports in your area, do cool shit.

Fuck being hung up on a girl man, it sucks and is a downward spiral, I've been there to disastrous proportions.

Realize that 1. if it is meant to be, it will come together in the end, just needs time. 2. during that time, find yourself as she will be finding herself. 3. get in shape, I can not express how important this is and anyone can always improve themselves, it will lead to the most gratifying, positive changes in any investment in the shortest amount of time that if kept up will last.


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: unknown1123]
    #18830758 - 09/12/13 12:04 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

yeah, good advice.  I'm already slowly getting into shape.

I've dropped about 13 lbs already


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OfflineRewindicus
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked]
    #18830980 - 09/12/13 01:55 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Shit man. Rough past 4 years aye? I say that as a canuck  :highfive:.


You got all the answers an know what you need to do.

First an foremost continue to be a good dad. You got kids thats your #1 priority.

Now obviously you cant be a good dad if you got all this baggage but the only thing thats gonna get rid of that is time. Time heals all. Focus on your health, your kids, an your job.

Secondly all this back an forth with the ex.....id cut it out unless it has to do with kids. Her lookin for other guys probably isnt recent. Its very likely that she just let you know about it.
It sounds like the boat with you an her has sailed. Dont guilt her or be a dick no matter how bad you want to. Speakin of dicks, dont bang her thats nothin but trouble bro.

How far are you from Vancouver btw?

You know you got plenty of counsel on here but seriously if you ever need someone to talk to you can ring or text me. Im 30 an been through a lot of relationship bs too. Sometimes a stranger is the best person to soundboard with. :pm: me if you want my number.

Its gonna get better man. You just need time.


As for meeting people....small towns suck. If you.got access to a nearby larger city may wanna try gettin out there to try lookin for some homies.


--------------------
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss

"Too much of a good thing, can be wonderful!" - Mae West

"If you have nothing nice to say about anyone, come sit next to me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth





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Offlinetomnl
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Rewindicus] * 1
    #18831087 - 09/12/13 03:03 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

LUCTOR ET EMERGO


--------------------
Been away so long I hardly knew the place
Gee, it's good to be back home
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case
Honey disconnect the phone
I'm back in the USSA
You don't know how lucky you are, boy
Back in the US
Back in the US
Back in the USSA


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Rewindicus]
    #18831530 - 09/12/13 08:14 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Rewindicus said:
Shit man. Rough past 4 years aye? I say that as a canuck  :highfive:.


You got all the answers an know what you need to do.

First an foremost continue to be a good dad. You got kids thats your #1 priority.

Now obviously you cant be a good dad if you got all this baggage but the only thing thats gonna get rid of that is time. Time heals all. Focus on your health, your kids, an your job.

Secondly all this back an forth with the ex.....id cut it out unless it has to do with kids. Her lookin for other guys probably isnt recent. Its very likely that she just let you know about it.
It sounds like the boat with you an her has sailed. Dont guilt her or be a dick no matter how bad you want to. Speakin of dicks, dont bang her thats nothin but trouble bro.

all towns suck. If you.got access to a nearby larger city may wanna try gettin out there to try lookin for some homies.




*it's "eh" :lol:

But Rewindicus is right. I really echo the sentiment to cut off all contact with the ex unless it has to do with your kid. Otherwise it just keeps the hurt continuing and festering.  I am sorry to hear about your Grandma.

Quote:

I realize this is a chance to rebuild my life.  I'm going to be a single dad now and I have to take that into consideration when considering my next steps.



This. Use it as a chance to rebuild your life into what you want it to be. My last really serious relationship, the one I told you about, I was devastated when it ended and I see so many similarities (besides having the kid together). But it gave me an opportunity to rebuild my life, and decide who I really wanted to be / what I wanted out of life, and what I wanted in a partner. Your dream girl is out there, the one who will be compatible with you. The first steps are rebuilding yourself, but you already know this. You have a really good head on your shoulders, as evidenced by your posts. And of course, as always, feel free to :pm: me if you want to chat.


--------------------
Yes this is tymo - I just changed my name

Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to awake from that dream? How would you know the difference between that dream world and the real world?


There is NOTHING better than feeling that warm dissociative fuzz creeping up your body from IM K
Something abut that anaesthetic rush... :inlove:

Qualitative Research Chemical Effects and Experiences
The Wonderful World of Methoxetamine
The 3-Meo-PCP Chapters, Part One


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Onlinekoods
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18832384 - 09/12/13 01:03 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Masked has the best head on any shoulders around. I think OP will be better for this experience.


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NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked] * 1
    #18832962 - 09/12/13 03:40 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

This is what happens when you base your happiness on someone else


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Repertoire89]
    #18834889 - 09/12/13 10:59 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks to you all who recently posted for your encouragement, support and advice.  It means a lot.  And I might just take you up on both your offers, (rewindicus and tymoteusz).  I appreciate it.

To be honest, I'm so emotionally drained.  After dropping off the kids, I'm not answering my phone, shutting myself away.  Someone knocked at my door, didn't answer. 

I'm not giving up or anything.  But I'm just drained and feel weak, on the tipping point of a nervous breakdown.  So for these reasons, I'm not willing to try and formulate a proper and decent response and add to the discussion, at this point that is.

I just wanted to say thanks.

on a side note:  got my stepdaughter off to school, took my 3 year old to the big park in the middle of the city.  Let him play in the sprinkler water park and on the playgrounds for quite awhile.  It was a good day for us.  He crashed on the drive home, picked up his sister at school and when he woke up, I dropped them off at their grandmas.

I realized I forgot her school bag, so luckily I caught the ex while she was picking up the kids from her grandmas(in my area) and she stopped by.  She didn't want to even small talk, just a quick grab and go.  She looked all done up like she had been out.

After she left out the door, I don't know what came over me, but I punched something very hard.  My knuckle now hurts a lot.  Completely unnecessary, but I can't even describe what I was feeling and how it felt like it came out of nowhere.  It was very odd.  It felt like I was going to go crazy at that exact moment.

I stared off into space for awhile.  Then I chose to write this post

I'm a struggling with this all.  That's for sure.

It would have been so much easier for me, years ago, to end it when I should.

I can't tell you how many anonymous posts and threads I made in this forum and physical well being forum about how this relationship was not working and was killing me. 

I could of just walked away if there were no kids.  But my gut tells me, even now, to make it work for the kids.  I hear from SO many people, "nah man, that's not good"...but until they are ME, with my brain chemistry, my emotions, my passions, my memories, my ideologies and experiences, my values...going through the exact same thing....they have no IDEA what it's like.

/rant


anyway, main point I wanted to express was thank you to all of you.


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: koods]
    #18834905 - 09/12/13 11:02 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

koods said:
Masked has the best head on any shoulders around. I think OP will be better for this experience.





thanks man :blush: :thumbup:


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked]
    #18835040 - 09/12/13 11:39 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Just took out the engagement ring I should never have bought her and looked it for awhile.

I think it's apparent I'm 3 beers in and just toked some grass when I shouldn't have(I can get easily very anxious and panicked on marijuana if i'm not careful)

I felt like I should have let her keep it.  I'm not attached to possessions or money.  So I originally told her to keep it.  But when everything became very real, I took it back.

Almost for a keepsake more then anything I'm gathering as I look inward.

Just a painful object to hold on to though. 

I only bought it because at the time she started guilt tripping me and getting all pissy how I was "wasting her time" and "your never going to propose to me"  "all my friends are getting married and it looks like I'll never even be asked", etc, etc.

So I went and bought it a couple years ago and gave it to her :shrug:

Look what happens when, because of trying to make it work for the kids and being a nice guy, you put up with so much shit.

I'm out of the trenches of war.  But like the soldiers of yesterday...how do you move on?  With great difficulty and lots of time, seems to be the only answer.


I hope it's clear I'm just having a lot of turmoil inside me.  I know she isn't the woman for me.  I know this in my GUT.  I know it was the most poisonous relationship one could imagine.  I know this.  I know that this will be better for me.  I know that I will become complete and happy on my own and be glad and thankful for my experiences....and at that point, I know there are incredible woman out there that would be just right for me and make me so happy (and this I know for sure :wink: :heart:). 

I'm just struggling with having an empty house.  My kids are gone.  My "family" is no more.  It's a lot to take in.

What's worse, as much as I realize i need to take it one day at a time, I can't help but think of the future with her.  She truly believes she's the victim in this and that I wronged her.  That I mistreated her.  That I'm the bad guy essentially.  As time seperates us...I worry about seeing the vindictive side of her...especially when it comes to the kid.  She says she will never, and wants to be friends, and yada yada.  And yes, we are maintaining a good relationship to this point.  But it's changed so much in a month and a half.  I'm scared to think about the bullshit I'll have to put up with from her in 5 years, when it comes to the kid.

Just so much inner dialogue...so much turmoil.

i'm going to stop ranting, I'm not myself right now and sound pretty ridiculous.


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Edited by Masked (09/12/13 11:50 PM)


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked]
    #18835082 - 09/12/13 11:52 PM (10 years, 4 months ago)

For a guy who's "too emotionally drained to type of a decent response and add to the discussion", I sure do type a lot hey :facepalm:

:canthelpbutlaugh:


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Onlinekoods
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked]
    #18835398 - 09/13/13 01:43 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

If you're anything like me, you will eventually regret doing things out of spite, or even not being a nice as you could have been. You know that the relationship is over, the best you can do is be a good person, even if she chooses not to be. Give her the ring back. It is doing you no good having it. It will help you forget about the relationship if it isn't around to remind you and it will help you feel good about yourself when you aren't because you didn't keep it in spite - that you could get above that.


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: koods]
    #18835413 - 09/13/13 01:49 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

True.  I think it should be clear I didn't take it back for "spite".  I took it back because everyone around me told me to make sure I get it back.  I took it back because I wanted to hold onto something that was very important to me...a memory capsule if you will.  But of course, the reality is that memory capsule is full of, well, bad memories.

I'll keep what you said in mind.  I'm considering returning it to her.  I don't plan on selling it.  And like you said, it's just a painful reminder.


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Anonymous #1

Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Masked]
    #18835572 - 09/13/13 03:33 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

OK ill give you my advice too.  What you need to do is put a blood curse on her and bind your soul with hers. but only if you truly love her.
this will make whatever vindictive act against you through the child return in three fold to her.

All you need to do is make her give you something that she is covets or idolizes and have someone gifted in the arts bind you to her.


on a side note this may cost you every shred of righteousness and decency, but that value is highly overated by a good deal of people.



DISCLAIMER: im speaking metaphorically. Or am I........:strokebeard:


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Anonymous #2

Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18835610 - 09/13/13 04:09 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Best. Advice. Ever.

A blood curse.

:rofl:


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Anonymous #1

Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18835617 - 09/13/13 04:17 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

hey man you gotta fight fire with fire, play eye for an eye to get your point across.. these bitches be ruthless out here in the jungle.



:lolsy:


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OfflineRewindicus
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18835622 - 09/13/13 04:22 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

Yah man be the bigger man if she thinks shes the victim and is vindictive, the kids an family around you will see that.

Keep doin your thing man, bein a dad, working, an tryin to move on. The first few weeks are gonna suck an time is gonna creep by but it will get easier.

Throw yourself into the gym and some good books. Mught I suggest ready player one. If your a fan of 80's pop culture you may really dig it I just finished it an thought it was amazing.


As for the ring.....you already got it back I doubt she will want it. But you may be able to use it as a peace offering.

An if she doesn't want it an you dont wanna sell it, turn a bad memory into a good one an give it to your daughter when shes a little older?

Or give it to someone who needs an engagement ring but cant afford one?

Maybe tell a shop to put it in their case an the next person that comes along that its a gift from a stranger? Im sure a mom an pop shop would do something like that.

Or put up a CL ad?

When you do something nice for someone else especially a stranger it hits the altruistic side of your persona an makes you feel good a double win when you think about the fact that your also getting rid of a "negative memory capsule."

An like koods said, dont let venom or spite get the best of you. Your bigger an smarter than that. Be the good example for the kids.


--------------------
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”- Dr. Seuss

"Too much of a good thing, can be wonderful!" - Mae West

"If you have nothing nice to say about anyone, come sit next to me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth





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Anonymous #1

Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Rewindicus]
    #18835691 - 09/13/13 05:19 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

all my riddle styled talk aside. I think you shouldnt let your snake of a ex steal your thunder. And even if she is a manipulative drama queen which it sounds like. Playing that game is just what their life will alwys entail. The sacrifice any man puts up with to have a woman of that type is beyond any self respecting man or person should subject themselves to. To put it bluntly.


and thats the core of the matter we all face for love. what are we really willing to sacrifice to keep the flame from dying and visa' versa? someone said a quote from a movie i think it was al pacino. its alnog the lines of "free will...it's a bitch".


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Invisiblememes
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Re: My world has officially crumbled... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18835806 - 09/13/13 06:40 AM (10 years, 4 months ago)

OP:  reading your posts is like looking back in time, one year, to when my world got crushed.  I didnt have any kids with my girl, and I hadn't bought her a ring yet (was on the cusp:  like you, would've been doing it to try and 'fix' things), but it still ravaged my world.

She was my social safety net (like you), she was my main confidant (like you), and I really had no idea how to get back out into the world.  Even worse, I'm here in DC!  A city PACKED FULL of young and single women (literally, they're fucking everywhere).  But I'm not like them.  It's been one year, and i'm only now starting to get a social life back.  I could've grabbed a suboptimal social life long ago - lots of nights out with brohams I don't care about, but why settle?





it'll be tough.  but you'll be fine.  :pm: if you need to.  I've been there


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