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Schmendrick
Last of the Red Hot Swamis



Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 682
Loc: HagsCrag, TLU
Last seen: 9 years, 3 months
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Apples idea free man.
#18825340 - 09/10/13 09:06 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/apple-unveils-panicked-ideafree-man-at-launch-even,33814/
CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man.
The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features as artificial excitement, a fully quavering voice, and what appeared to be a near total lack of inspiration, was put on full display for thousands of shareholders, industry insiders, reporters, and fans today in what Apple hopes will be a game-changer for the multinational corporation.
“This is the future of Apple,” announced the lightweight, 75-inch desperate man while being presented on stage. “We are indeed staking our company’s reputation on what you see here on this stage. And as always with Apple, you are getting a glimpse of the entire tech industry’s future today.”
“Our customers expect the best products from Apple, and that is what we will continue to deliver,” continued the feckless man, offering a tedious, innovation-free display and a high rate of perspiration.
Experts told reporters the success or failure of the hapless, perplexed man will have an enormous impact on Apple’s profits and revenues for the foreseeable future. The completely ineffectual male human, reportedly priced at roughly $4.17 million per year, is also expected to both shape and inform all Apple products and their design for years to come.
However, early reports suggest that a majority of the event’s attendees were unimpressed by the panicked man, with critics complaining that the creatively bankrupt individual is “largely useless” and a stark departure from the company’s visionary and industry-leading ethos.
“In terms of reliability, functionality, performance, and overall quality, I’m very underwhelmed by what Apple put out today,” said TechCrunch blogger Daniel Keison, noting that the utterly uninspiring man was noticeably lower-end, lagged considerably, and came equipped with little to no vision. “Apple had set the bar really high in the past, and I can’t say they’re living up to that.”
“Maybe our expectations for them have just become unrealistic at this point,” Keison said of Apple, which also unveiled a line of other lower-quality panicked men during the event. “But frankly, what the company showed us today is not really very different from what other tech companies have shown us.”
Industry sources reported that while many loyal Apple customers were largely unenthusiastic about the panicked man, they remained quite happy with the previous model, discontinued in 2011.
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Sheekle
FREE BURKE



Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 53,153
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theonion
-------------------- "Ur cat died because he hated u" - Koods "I hope JSB kicks your ass one day." - Vandago "you are the biggest 'internet guy' I have ever come across"- Jokeshopbeard "The more I see you post the more I realize you're just this fuckin tie dye loser who trolls the Shroomery 24/7." - Herbologist "Sheekle you cannot vile the dice of bullshit you have posted on this forum over the years, I like databases" - thelastoneleft "or maybe i just come from a blood line of superior intelligence" - trees R.I.P Kelsy, ?/?/?? - 6/11/16
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BoldAsLove
Pokemon Master


Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 2,549
Loc: Kanto Region
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Re: Apples idea free man. [Re: Sheekle]
#18825464 - 09/10/13 09:31 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Funnily enough, I didn't realize that right away from reading the article. The onion makes good points.
-------------------- DISCLAIMER: None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand , the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.
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psi
TOAST N' JAM


Registered: 09/05/99
Posts: 31,456
Loc: 613
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Re: Apples idea free man. [Re: BoldAsLove] 1
#18825481 - 09/10/13 09:33 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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I watched a parody of Steve Jobs' life on Netflix recently, pretty funny. It was called iSteve.
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SoreSpore
Registered: 03/06/12
Posts: 7,481
Loc: Halfway there...
Last seen: 9 years, 10 months
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Re: Apples idea free man. [Re: psi] 1
#18825498 - 09/10/13 09:37 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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I love when people think onion articles are real, but this is too much. You literally thought Apple unveiled a man?
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Schmendrick
Last of the Red Hot Swamis



Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 682
Loc: HagsCrag, TLU
Last seen: 9 years, 3 months
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Re: Apples idea free man. [Re: SoreSpore]
#18825520 - 09/10/13 09:42 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
SoreSpore said: I love when people think onion articles are real, but this is too much. You literally thought Apple unveiled a man? 
I dunno... seems like something they might do these days.
Edited by Schmendrick (09/11/13 04:09 PM)
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BoldAsLove
Pokemon Master


Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 2,549
Loc: Kanto Region
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Re: Apples idea free man. [Re: SoreSpore]
#18828496 - 09/11/13 04:04 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
SoreSpore said: I love when people think onion articles are real, but this is too much. You literally thought Apple unveiled a man? 
No. The way it was written I didn't think they unveiled a man as a product. I thought the man was just unable to sell his product. It was the tone of the article, not the context, that tipped me off to it being an onion one.
-------------------- DISCLAIMER: None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand , the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.
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Synthe
Gatorade me, bitch!



Registered: 11/10/12
Posts: 7,961
Loc: Three bags of Funyuns
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Re: Apples idea free man. [Re: Sheekle]
#18828545 - 09/11/13 04:17 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Sheekle said: theonion
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