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Anonymous #1

losing trust over retardedly stupid shit.
    #18810082 - 09/07/13 12:23 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

my boyfriend has been breaking my trust over the last couple years with really stupid stuff.

a few examples would be.....

saying he was at work when in actuality he was playing video games at home proven by the time stamp on the game slot.

going out with straight friends and lying about it because he feels guilty that he was tired and couldnt stay up with me very late after I got home.

lying about being called off of work proven by me coming home early an there he is watching judge judy.

Lying about taking a nap when in actuality going to a close straight buds house to watch music videos. Proven by a mutual friend seeing him walk out of the friends house.

now before anybody says it, hes not cheating on me I know this for a fact because I've done a little bit of digging.

he's literally just lying about stupid stuff. Trust is a big issue for me and I feel like it's the cornerstone of any solid relationship however lying about really dumb small things irks me.

when confronted about these stupid little lies he says his reasoning is because he feels guilty about not being able to spend the majority of his time with me or when he hangs out with other people he feels bad that he's not hanging out with me........again stupid stupid reasons.

naturally when I find out about these dumb little lies I assume the worst that he's banging someone else or shooting up on hard drugs or something like that because surely no one would actually lie when confronted about did they go to hang out with a friend instead of sleep like they had said???

I generally have a three strikes rule and the fourth strike just happened over the weekend.

I'm kind of at a crossroads were engaged and supposed to be married next year we've been dating for 2 years and have know each other 5. we have plans of having kids soon and I'm just kind of wondering what I should do.

I suggested that maybe he needs to see a counselor to figure out why he feels so guilty about having a social life outside of me. (he rarely hangs with anyone but me and my friends). he says that he starts putting a guilt trip on himself when he goes out and has a good time on his own and feels bad about it. And so as a result just defaults to lying which hes terribly bad at even though he knows thats the one thing I cant tolerate.

What do you guys think? Help a brother out!


Edited by Anonymous (09/07/13 01:20 AM)


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Anonymous #2

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18810109 - 09/07/13 12:38 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Frankly I wouldn't even notice most of these lies...  I mean a time stamp on a video game?  Seriously?  Are you sure that you aren't being overbearing?

Usually people lie to avoid a conflict.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #18810130 - 09/07/13 12:49 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Christ, I thought you were as queer as a three dollar bill, but apparently you're more like a three dollar coin. :tongue:


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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Anonymous #1

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: koods]
    #18810178 - 09/07/13 01:15 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Hah. I actually put the female words in place to avoid ignorant gay comments then forgot to post anon. :doublefacepalm:

Fixed op.

I am however :gay: as all get out.

As to anon #1 the time stamp thing was a fluke we were both playing the same game and over my save game I saw his. Wasnt looking for it I just saw it there a save at a time of day when hes supposed to be at work.


Like I said....retardedly stupid lies but in my head I think well if hes gonna lie about dumb shit what about big stuff you know? Im not overbearing at all im constantly telling him to call and hang with his friends but he never wants to. :shrug:


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Offlinekoods
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18810217 - 09/07/13 01:30 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah, I had a boyfriend who lied about little shit for no reason. I didn't really notice it until I started paying attention to the conversations he would have with his parents.  Every other thing he told them was untrue or just altered in some meaningless way. Like if he went to Harris Teeter for groceries, he would say he went to Safeway. Just totally pointless.

Eventually I paid enough attention and realized he had a "tell" when he was lying. Oh shit, that's when it started to fall apart. He would start making his clicking noise and I knew i was getting BS.

I started calling him out him left and right. He would deny everything to the most ridiculous extreme. I once found some fairly sexual correspondence if his, and he denied it until I handed him printouts... And then he claimed he was being framed. :lol:


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


Edited by koods (09/07/13 02:20 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: koods]
    #18810265 - 09/07/13 01:52 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Geez. Well thats the thing. I mean I really like this guy bit its these dumb ass stupid insignificant lies that I dont even look for I just find out or pit together because hes just bad at it. And lazy when it comes to remembering things.

The easiest way to not have to remember lies is to not lie lol. Thats what I do.


But im just wondering if im putting too much weight in the fact that he lies about stupid shit and so im assuming that big things he will also lie about? Or am I just giving the situation more gravity than it deserves?


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Offlinekoods
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18810299 - 09/07/13 02:24 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Geez. Well thats the thing. I mean I really like this guy bit its these dumb ass stupid insignificant lies that I dont even look for I just find out or pit together because hes just bad at it. And lazy when it comes to remembering things.

The easiest way to not have to remember lies is to not lie lol. Thats what I do.


But im just wondering if im putting too much weight in the fact that he lies about stupid shit and so im assuming that big things he will also lie about? Or am I just giving the situation more gravity than it deserves?




Ermagawsh, I think you inherited my ex.

No, you are right to be concerned. Lying like that is pathological. It's worse in someways than the regular " gotta cover this shit up or I am toast" kind. There s no rationale. It's like a sport or game. At least you can understand the motivation behind the big lies. I think the small ones are more troubling.


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: koods]
    #18810307 - 09/07/13 02:31 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

No, you are right to be concerned. Lying like that is pathological.




Koods is right on the money.  Be concerned about this.  I'd recommend getting out.  I spent years with a pathological liar.

Though I think the term gets misinterpeted a tad.  It isn't for "game" or "sport".  Most pathological liars don't even realize they are doing it.  And when called out after, get extremely defensive because they are so sure in their minds that what they are being confronted with is in fact the lie.

That is pathological.  Most could pass a lie detector because they truly believe their lies. 

It's actually more sad then anything. :frown:

But it's very tough to have relationship with someone who does this.  Get out is my advice, or ask him to see professional help if you REALLY want to save it.


--------------------
.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,691
Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18810379 - 09/07/13 03:19 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I suggested that maybe he needs to see a counselor to figure out why he feels so guilty about having a social life outside of me lies all the time.



The man does sound like a pathological liar to me. I suppose one could live with a pathological liar, but things will undoubtedly be...interesting, from time to time.


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: koraks]
    #18810382 - 09/07/13 03:23 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

koraks said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
I suggested that maybe he needs to see a counselor to figure out why he feels so guilty about having a social life outside of me lies all the time.



The man does sound like a pathological liar to me. I suppose one could live with a pathological liar, but things will undoubtedly be...interesting, from time to time.





sigh...I'm just trying to pull myself out of a dark, horrible place after living with one for quite awhile.

interesting is an understatement


--------------------
.


Edited by Masked (09/07/13 03:28 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Masked]
    #18810410 - 09/07/13 03:39 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks brothers. There ARE
shreds of good advice on here occasionally. :highfive: the lying doesnt seem to come off as a game or sport but more of a freak out response. Ive known him for years an his last 3 exes were bonafide batshit. They would go through his phone and email and were very possessive and crazy keeping tabs on him and checking up on him constantly.

I think he developed this behavior as a result of the previous relationships. This was something I knew about since we were good friends and I figured since im NOT that type of person in the slightest it wouldnt be an issue but alas hes doing it anyways.

So having said that I basically said "im willimg to stick this out a little longer as long as you can make an effort not to lie about dumb shit AND talk to a counselor about why your doin this. That way if we split over this maybe you wont fuck up your next relationship."

He seemed a little hurt at my assumption that things may not work out but, the truth hurts. So hes gonna call some counselors tomorrow an set up an appointment next week and we will see how it goes.

Ill keep you guys posted thanks gents!


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,691
Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18810459 - 09/07/13 04:12 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Well, there may be valid reasons for his incessant lying over insignificant things in previous experience. Then again, the cause might be more deeply rooted; it's hard to tell. Either way, it seems this behavior has become second nature to him, and I suppose it's key to find out to what extent he's actually aware of it himself; to what extent he has conscious control over his lies. Well, that's food for therapists, I'd say.

Masked, I understand what you say; my sister was married to a compulsive liar and manipulator for twenty years. I never quite found out if he actually believed his own lies or not. To this day, I suspect he did/does. Btw, I got along with him quite well.


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Anonymous #3

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: koraks]
    #18810736 - 09/07/13 08:00 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

My ex was a compulsive liar. It stemmed from a bad childhood and fear of his father. Some lies I think he did believe. Like if he would manipulate a situation and then lie about what happened. Those he would believe. But lies based on proven facts he would just stumble around when caught.

The best lie was when we were both trying to quit smoking. He was out back pretending to be working in the shed and I come out to ask him if he needs anything from the store and suddenly his hand goes behind his back and smoke is rising up behind his head. I ask him if he's smoking and he looks right in my eyes and says NO.

Priceless.

But yeah, most of the time they were really stupid lies about stuff that would not have ever mattered. Him out there smoking would not have mattered. It was the lying that mattered I eventually lost ALL trust and without trust there really is no relationship - just a shell of one.

Good luck - I hope counseling can help.


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Anonymous #4

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18810746 - 09/07/13 08:06 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

How are you having kids?


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,691
Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18810776 - 09/07/13 08:26 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Adoption sounds like a pretty obvious option. Kind of beside the point, too.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #18811004 - 09/07/13 09:51 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

The best lie was when we were both trying to quit smoking. He was out back pretending to be working in the shed and I come out to ask him if he needs anything from the store and suddenly his hand goes behind his back and smoke is rising up behind his head. I ask him if he's smoking and he looks right in my eyes and says NO.




The best lies are the ones that come out when they think they've been caught doing something, but haven't and it is the ridiculous nature of the unnecessary lying that reveals the underlying "crime"

My ex had gone upstairs to heat up some lasagna. He had been gone for an unusually long time, so I went upstairs to see what was going on. I walked into the kitchen and saw him standing in front of the microwave and looking at his iPhone. His back was turned to me. So, I just said "what the fuck" as in what is taking so long? I walked back downstairs. He comes down right behind me explaining that somebody sent him the video he was watching. And I'm like "what video?" And then it strikes me... He was jerking off to iPhone porn while waiting for the lasagna to finish. :rofl:

We ain't done... Literally the next day, we are watching a new episode of South Park - the one where randy tries to get ball cancer so he can have medicinal pot. And there is this scene:


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


Edited by koods (09/07/13 09:56 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: koods]
    #18811883 - 09/07/13 02:55 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Hahahaha nice! Yah we talked again today he says hes serious about figuring out his lying about stupid stuff behavior. I said ok. Hes got a dr appt already set up so now we wait. I told him in the meantime try not to lie about stupid shit an if he does to please tell me preferably before I find out.

Our most recent spat kinda has me hyper aware and critical about things he says even though im trying not to be. I told him if this lying continues an I catch wind of it, it will likely result in him having to take his dog an move in with his bro or folks.

Im going to try to remain optimistic but im also a realistic person. So we will see. He said if he did lose me hed try to win me back and mentioned sitting outside my building with a boombox. I told him lets not get to that point because as much as I love 80s nostalgia and references it wouldnt work.

Thanks guys youve been a great help!


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InvisibleCounterCulturest
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Registered: 01/18/10
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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #18813253 - 09/07/13 10:19 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Sounds like you want to much of his time and he feels like he has to lie in order to get some space from your crazy ass


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Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: CounterCulturest]
    #18813255 - 09/07/13 10:19 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

:trolldance:


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.


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Anonymous #1

Re: losing trust over retardedly stupid shit. [Re: CounterCulturest]
    #18813333 - 09/07/13 10:45 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CounterCulturest said:
Sounds like you want to much of his time and he feels like he has to lie in order to get some space from your crazy ass




If only the answer was that easy. However sound counsel was given by koods and masked. Thanks though!


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