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Floater McGee
Stranger

Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 4
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
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Ego Death or Physical Death?
#18805550 - 09/05/13 10:29 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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I understand that I am a noob, and such a fact may render my post unappealing; however, I am a long time floater who has refrained from posting newbie-type questions, until now...
Allow me to first state that I am an experienced 'roller' (E/MDMA user) of 9 years. My experience with 'E' has changed my life so much that I am an avid supporter of MAPS. My desire to get deeper into the community has led me to experiment with Magic Mushrooms. So far, I have only taken them twice.
Both experiences have been with my wife, and only her. She, too, was under their influence both times. During the first experience we split an eighth 50/50. Miraculously, both of us saw what looked to be my third eye bulging out; it was purple.
We also saw something sinister in my face that appeared to be external from me though we are still unsure as to what or who it was; we have hypothesized the ego, a condition I may have (Asperger’s/high-functioning Autism), or something else.
Later that night, we lie down together and felt a sense of oneness never witnessed before; the night was then capped off by descending fairies.
THE NIGHT I WAS REFERENCING IN THE TITLE:
The second night took place about 4 months later. We took some dried mushies from the batch we had purchased four months earlier (clue 1, perhaps?). This time, we brewed them into some tea, which eliminated the onset of nausea I suffered over the course of about 3 days the previous time.
My wife drank about 2/5's of the tea while I had consumed the other 3/5's. She sipped, but I guzzled my share. Contrary to the previous experience, this one hit me immediately and like a ton of bricks.
Some things to note:
- I (we) are atheist leaning Agnostics; that is, while I do not believe in any form of theism, I cannot deductively assert that no Deity or God(s) exist, and pantheism is definitely an option; however, I do lean toward 'no' in terms of a higher being.
[list][list]
- I grew up in the west in the Judeo-Christian tradition.
- My views about life have been restricted to materialism (not monetary materialism, but physical/no soul).
[list]
- Over the course of this experience I lost the sense of "me"; there was NO me. Reality became a contradiction stricken paradox. Whenever I saw my wife, I thought I was her.
All of that considered...
On this night, I noticed a feeling of 'slipping' into a bad trip immediately, so I went into the shower. My breathing was quite shallow, so the awakening brought by the water was a relief- at first. The shower curtains began to exhibit skeletal bones in the form of rib cages and spines; however, in the distance I could see fairies.
I was given the choice between life and death. I verbally chose life. Immediately, the skeletal remains disappeared, and the fairies appeared. Their beautiful faces surrounded me; they even gave little smiles and poses amid their sparkly attire. They were quite the sight. Feeling comforted, I turned off the shower and dried up.
As I looked in the mirror, I could see my insides just like the previous time; except I could not stare long enough to meet up with either my third eye or the sinister figure. The events around me were much too active. I felt a bit overwhelmed from the motion, so I sat down.
Just then, an entire realm opened up. It was a multi-level setup of white pearly steps and... Ganesa, also known as Ganapati and Vinayaka, known more famously as a Hindu figure (an elephant), sitting to my right hand side. The elephant was white, and sitting upright.
Sparing other miraculous details for the sake of SOME brevity, I will say that it was apparent, after that, that I had entered another dimension. I saw a red grid with binary code (computer language) over the entire room; it looked eerily close to an Alex Grey painting, minus the computer code. In addition, I lost the sense of 'me'; there wasn't a me; I did not exist.
FINALLY, the death experience:
All throughout the night, I felt that I was fighting death. It began when I was in the room before the shower. My forehead felt as if it was being pulled toward the bathroom. Once in- upon the appearance of Ganesa - I felt "my life" (the energy that makes me be) being pulled out of my mouth. Immediately, I walked out. However, no matter where I went it would come for me (i.e. the pulling).
I began freaking out because I could feel myself expire. Once again, I went in the shower to keep myself 'feeling'. However, once in, I could I began fading and burping. My body wanted to throw up the shrooms, but was unable. I was burping loudly, deeply, and excessively. I could feel the source surfacing atop my stomach, but to no avail. I even saw my body turn pale while my veins turned a dark blue, thus, implying the appearance of dying/death.
Again, fast forwarding, after almost collapsing in the shower both sitting up and sitting down, I got out and went to bed. The pulling out of my mouth continued.
In bed was the worst. As the pulling of my inner-energy continued, I could feel my body begin to DRY UP (namely, my mouth and rib area) and the air become thicker and then thinner. At times, it felt as though I was half-way out of my body, as it was weak and mechanical. I couldn't talk because it made me weaker. Telling my wife how much I loved her, unbeknownst to her, caused me to fade even quicker. I had to force my body to make movements amid the feeling that I was mostly outside of it.
In the end, I can say this: regardless, if it was literal, I know what death feels like. The feeling is not so bad, in fact, it is quite peaceful. However, I fought it for my girls (my daughters) and my wife. I could NOT leave them so soon, especially not in that manner. This was all regardless of the fact that death did not feel final. Contrarily, there is another realm, a world, or place to go; so it seemed to be the case. This reality is an illusion, but I already knew that because I am a post-bac sociologist studying philosophy. Hence, my problem: did I experience a literal death via poisoning, allergy, et cetera; or did I experience something else entirely?
Ironically, if this was literal death, it would not be the first time I cheated it. I am experienced. But, I also feel that I am on an intellectual route to enlightenment. I have come full (almost) circle from aesthetics to science to philosophy, acknowledging each one as a vital part of total knowledge, minus spirituality. I am in the midst of developing my own version of the social contract.
Votes accepted from (09/05/13 12:00 PM) to (10/31/13 12:59 PM)
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Fuckspice
Psychosis connoisseur



Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 1,393
Loc: America's asshole
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
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I've had similar experiences when i got greened out or whatever its called but when i take too large of a hit and for me it feels as if i am dying. This was actually after a taking a medium dose of nbome on the comedown, but i felt like i could here the synapses in my brain firing off and i tasted blood and couldn't stand and when i laid down it felt as if my body was collapsing to my weight and shriveling up. My lungs felt glued together and i could feel my body slipping away sort of as if my soul were being sucked out. Felt in some ways similar to when you take your first hit of dmt and drifting off. I get the burping whenever im on mdma and psychadellics aswell but only once did i feel as if i needed to vomit from it and it was terrible i ended up laying outside on the sidewalk for a half hour dry heaving and spitting. For me i had a phase where everytime i got high or tripped I felt like i was dying and/or got cev's depicting my death and shit it was pretty weird. Im just as curious as you are
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Edited by Fuckspice (09/05/13 11:05 PM)
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excalibur127
Cucumber


Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 69
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Re: Ego Death or Physical Death? [Re: Fuckspice]
#18806108 - 09/06/13 02:39 AM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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I had the same experience where I was led to believe I was dying, however I did actually fear it and it was certainly NOT peaceful or anything like that. It was the most horrible feeling I have ever felt and it continued to haunt me for months, having several panic attacks a day and leading me to quit psychedelics in general, at least for the moment being.
Ego death is clear. It is a void you fall in and everything kind of just fades away. But physical death is different. All your body fights it. Remember, ego death only your ego fights, in physical death you fight for survival with ALL your might. This is a natural instinct, and hence it feels a lot worse and powerful imo.
The shrooms made you believe you were dying. It was neither real ego death or physical, just an illusion of the physical.
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Floater McGee
Stranger


Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 4
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
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Re: Ego Death or Physical Death? [Re: excalibur127]
#18809724 - 09/06/13 10:32 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thank you for your reply. Well, to be clear, the experience was the most terrifying one of my life in the emotional sense. Being that I am a father, husband, and also did not wish to become a statistic for the drug warriors, it took away from the physical sensation as well as the knowledge gained.
The feeling of death is peaceful and reassuring; however, I could not stand the feeling of leaving my two girls and my wife behind, namely, when repercussions would likely have ensued. The overall feeling was that nothing down here is so bad that it could not be forgotten once in the next level; whatever that may be.
But, once more, I could not let allow my family to suffer, no matter how seemingly temporary or comparatively miniscule. As we all know, suffering in this reality is pure torture, and the consequences feel all too real.
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Floater McGee
Stranger


Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 4
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
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Re: Ego Death or Physical Death? [Re: Fuckspice]
#18809730 - 09/06/13 10:33 PM (10 years, 4 months ago) |
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Fuckspice, I thank you, as well. My hope is that we each find our answers. Stay safe.
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Floater McGee
Stranger


Registered: 09/05/13
Posts: 4
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
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I may be new to this board, but I am not new to the community. I have fought for the psychedelic community in the academic arena, and have even made myself a target because of it at a my former university.
I would love nothing more than to continue to explore responsibly as I have for the last 9 years (nearly a decade), but I also need to stay safe and not become a statistical reference point for those who wish to criminalize our culture.
I would greatly appreciate some wisdom about my experience, please... I know it is long, but I made bold the font detailing the headlined experience. However, the entire story may either correlate or throw off some clues.
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