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Offlinefoliocb
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Registered: 07/14/08
Posts: 1,152
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please.
    #18769499 - 08/28/13 05:40 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Well, I will try to keep the story as neat and compact as possible. I am 24 years old and she is 23, she has definitely had relationships before, but for me this is indeed my first real romantic relationship with someone.

Anyways, we met through a mutual friend at a party and hit it off well. She gave me her digits easily and actually responded to my textx a few days later :thumbup:

Anyways, a week later I invite her to another party, we have fun... did get a bit drunk and ended up hooking up. No sex or anything, but i did take her to my place and we spent the night.

One week later and we're officially dating it seemed, there was a definitely mental/emotional connection... we really did enjoy each others company the entire time, and we hungout 4-7 days a week despite her working 50 hours a week(noon-10pm shifts all the time, it sucks!)

Anyways, it was just her birthday and she decided to quit alcohol, caffeine, and bad food in general all at once... and once that happened things did change for sure. I think the copious amounts of time we spent together also contributed, but she has just been overly bitchy in general, towards me and just every situation that arises in her life right now.

I told her that her body is going to go through withdrawals from quitting all that shit cold turkey, for at least a month given how much caffeine she was consuming and how she used to drink just about every night... but I don't think she understands how these drugs really affect your mind/body when you quit cold turkey.

Anyways, she did become cold and distant a bit... she doesn't come over to my place much really... she wants to just go straight home after working her job at 10pm... which is understandable. I spend the night at her place about 1-2x a week... and although she just complains and is in her head the whole time im there... I try my best to comfort her. She broke down in tears the last time because she thought she was getting fat and doesn't get it because she stopped eating bad food, etc. To me, she is in terrific shape... but she doesn't want to hear that. Her energy levels are also low so she sleeps more and has less motivation to workout as much as she used to.

Again, I have a pretty decent understanding of how drugs affect our bodies when we quit, especially neurotransmitters and how it effects our energy levels and what not(I have gone through amphetamine withdrawal myself which was a fucking nightmare) but she doesn't seem to want to listen to any of that.

The other day she was driving me back home and was telling me how she didn't expect to have a BF in her life right now... and how she wants to be alone more... and she doesn't feel shes being a good girlfriend right now esp. given the fact of how well I treat her... and says I don't deserve that. I told her I will respect whatever she wants to do with herself, even if that means not being in a relationship with me. She said she needs to figure her self out... blah blah. I told her I understand and just want her to be happy, even if that means me not being in her life. Then she said she wants to be my girlfriend later(which confused the hell out of me) and some other stuff. Immediately after this convo we made out... which definitely confused me :shrug:

I just don't know where we stand or what to do. I told her I would stop making the initiative to call/txt her(because she said we talk a lot) and so i've been letting her contact me when she wants to. Then on the phone the other day she said she really misses me... which I called her out on because she just told me that she only really wants to see me about once a week... her rebuttal was she still misses me.

We went out to dinner the other night and we still held each other, and everything seemed pretty much the same... still kissing and stuff. I asked her if she wanted to come home with me, she said no but wants to the next night, which was last night. She called me after work and said she no longer wants to come over, and we small talked for a bit. She texted me when she got home and said good night and she will call me in "the a.m." which would of been this morning. She didn't call or txt... and I don't feel like initiating any conversation that she will probably use against me later as evidence of us 'talking too much'

Meh.

anyways, has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like we're dating... but at the same time not really together. She says we became so serious too fast... which I denied(i mean, its been a month and we havent had sex, only half the ppl she introduces me too does she introduce me as her BF, we haven't said 'i love you', etc..)

Am I beating a dead horse? Do I just give her space and see what happens? Im pretty disappointed that she flaked again last night... but at the same time feel that I have no merit to feel that way. I do like spending time and being with her... but I just don't know how to support her right now.

Any help is much loved :heart:


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Offlinesonamdrukpa
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Registered: 10/18/11
Posts: 2,777
Last seen: 3 months, 1 day
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: foliocb]
    #18769541 - 08/28/13 05:49 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

She could be wanting to break up, she could really just be dealing with a lot of shit right now.  Especially quitting all those things, that'll really mess with you.  Best thing to do is just leave her alone for a month or so.  Enough time to have some separation in your lives.  A couple of days or even a week or two isn't enough.  If she tries to hang out don't let her.  Let both of y'all clear your head.  If she's really not into you, it'll just end without any awkwardness.  If she's just been going through some shit she'll be back and all over you for having missed you so long.


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Offlinekrunkmaster
Cannibal
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Registered: 04/26/13
Posts: 117
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: foliocb]
    #18769550 - 08/28/13 05:51 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

it actually sounds to me like she might be depressed. I acted the same way towards someone but was unable to articulate it so I made up a bunch of semi-coherent ideas instead.

from what you say though, I don't think it sounds like you are smothering her. it sounds like she just doesn't know what to do with herself and has no idea how to express that. I think your response was honest and about the best that can be expected of you. you probably just need to wait and see what happens, unfortunately.


edit: sonamdrukpa's advice is probably what you should do, actually. you've made it clear where you stand, I think you both just need time now to figure things out. it's clear that if things continue exactly as they are right now you're both going to continue to be confused and upset.


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Thou shalt not kill my vibe


Edited by krunkmaster (08/28/13 05:53 PM)


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Offlinefoliocb
always running
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Registered: 07/14/08
Posts: 1,152
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: krunkmaster]
    #18769588 - 08/28/13 05:57 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Well, depression from quitting caffeine cold turkey is definitely a possibility... caffeine like all stimulants should not be underestimated. She hates how shes working 50+ hours a week and seems to be going through a lot of internal shit in her life....

She has high ideals but is not being practical about any of it... I could either break it down to her(real talk) or just leave her the fuck alone and see what she ends up doing. It just sucks because I did develop feelings and an emotional bond with her... and thus I do miss her and not being able to 'be there'... but ultimately I know the best thing is to just be silent.

I guess I just have to wait and see :shrug:

Lol fuckin' relationships...


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Offlinekrunkmaster
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Registered: 04/26/13
Posts: 117
Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: foliocb]
    #18769620 - 08/28/13 06:02 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I know it's not much comfort, but be glad you found someone you have any potential with at all. I've more or less given up the search.


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Thou shalt not kill my vibe


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Offlinefoliocb
always running
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Registered: 07/14/08
Posts: 1,152
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: krunkmaster]
    #18769644 - 08/28/13 06:05 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Lol, I was actually surprised myself to be honest. If it wasnt for her, i'd be in the same boat with you right now.

It was at a birthday party, and I really just went to show face as it was 11pm and I just got back home from a long flight. I went to the barber that day and my normally good stylist completely fucked up my hair and did the exact opposite of what I asked him. On top of that, I was not dressed at all and was wearing a fucking ancient aliens shirt with red tommy bahama shorts. I looked like a fucking dork with shit hair lol. Not to mention the 5+ lbs I just put on from being on vacation.

But somehow, she dug me and gave me her # and was totally willing to hang out.... life throws curve balls every now then I suppose... just keep trying :shrug:


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Offlinekrunkmaster
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Registered: 04/26/13
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Last seen: 2 years, 4 months
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: foliocb]
    #18769690 - 08/28/13 06:12 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

lol wow, the closest thing I ever had to a relationship actually started the same way. I was just making an appearance at a birthday party to be polite, and I was dressed like shit and hadn't shaved in over a week. I never would have even bothered talking to this girl if she didn't go out of her way to start talking to me, because I figured she was way out of my league.

it didn't work out, but you're right about the curveballs. I've had way more luck when I stop thinking about it than when I go into a conversation with the mindset that I want someone to like me.


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Thou shalt not kill my vibe


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OfflineBittrBuffalo
Deaconica

Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 1,729
Loc: Church of the SubGenus
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: foliocb]
    #18770200 - 08/28/13 07:54 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Being one of the only ladies at this sausage party we call the Shroomery, I will give you this:

Here are three majorly fucked up things (among many) that have been drilled into women's heads since about the age of 12. Keep these things in mind, as they have formed our beliefs and behavior as we relate to men:

1) "Men only want one thing". This is a lie, but it's repeated so often that most women believe it to be true. Sure, some men only want to chase pussy, I suppose, but it's not most of them. Just like some women are gold diggers, but most aren't. Men and women are equally shallow. I believe this mantra to be leftover from a time before women were allowed to work outside the home and pussy was given or withheld judiciously as the only currency a woman had at her disposal.

2) That, because "men only want one thing", they are sociopaths that are completely incapable of having any real feelings, and everything they say is a trick.

3)And, because "men only want one thing",  a woman's (self-)worth is measured by how sexually attractive she is to men. Eventually, there will come a point when a man's looks won't matter, but this will NEVER be true for women.

So, let that little bit of psychological pretext marinate for a bit.

A good guess:

I'm thinking she's probably wondering when the hell she's going to get laid. The "I think I'm fat" bit tipped me off. When you said you've been together a month and haven't yet fucked, well, there you go. Women, for the most part, have had cock thrown at them since the day they turned 14. (Also: she sounds incredibly insecure.) It's been a month and you've stayed the night on several occasions and you're still not putting out, so she's blaming it on herself, thinking she's not pretty enough, etc. She probably doesn't understand what's going on here--shit, I don't understand what's going on here. I'm also thinking, "We're moving so fast" = 'Ok, we totally went right into LTR mode, what the fuck...'

I dunno, man...this ship has probably sailed. It sounds like she likes you, but you're not giving her what she needs.


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Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction, provided for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual persons or events, past or present, is strictly coincidental. All celebrity voices are impersonated. If you begin your ID request with, "I just ate a bunch of these mushrooms…should I not have done that?" I'm just gonna sit back and watch Darwin at work.:mushroom2:


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InvisibleCidneyIndole
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Registered: 05/16/05
Posts: 4,761
Loc: Love's Secret Domain
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: BittrBuffalo]
    #18770317 - 08/28/13 08:18 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah, I don't know... I somewhat got the impression that she just wasn't that into you, and was too weak-willed to say it outright....

...but maybe BitrBuffalo is right. She does have a good point. Dating that long with no sex is kind of weird in my world. Unless the girl is a super christian, or has a really strong / rigid sense of sexual morality...


So while that could be because she doesn't want it, it also could be due to the fact that she's waiting for you to make a move. (I don't think I really have enough info to make a call between the two.)


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I am me. We are You.


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Offlineqman
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/06
Posts: 34,927
Last seen: 2 days, 22 hours
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: CidneyIndole]
    #18770418 - 08/28/13 08:37 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Sounds like a lot of stress and headache for a woman that doesn't even put out for sex, I say move on.

She's in total control, and she is jerking you around like a little puppy dog, don't let women dictate everything, take a stance, you're the man.

You shouldn't get so emotionally invested in a woman that you don't even know for very long, keep some distance and start acting independent, your smothering is very unattractive to her.


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InvisibleNonkeldolf
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Registered: 04/19/12
Posts: 148
Loc: Europe
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: qman]
    #20254324 - 07/10/14 05:42 PM (9 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

qman said:
Sounds like a lot of stress and headache for a woman that doesn't even put out for sex, I say move on.

She's in total control, and she is jerking you around like a little puppy dog, don't let women dictate everything, take a stance, you're the man.

You shouldn't get so emotionally invested in a woman that you don't even know for very long, keep some distance and start acting independent, your smothering is very unattractive to her.



^
What he said. I am currently finding myself in an almost identical situation as you are. Some women just aren't emotionally stable enough to make any commitment whatsoever.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you!

Best regards,
NonkelDolf


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"No more drugs... for that man!"




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OfflineHuberto Babaduche
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Registered: 02/15/14
Posts: 189
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: Am I smothering her? Need other perspective please. [Re: Nonkeldolf]
    #20269624 - 07/14/14 04:28 AM (9 years, 7 months ago)

How could she find a supreme gentleman like you smothering?



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