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psyconaught
Chemical Connoisseur


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 6,100
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much?
#18752519 - 08/24/13 05:54 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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So earlier in the year my girlfriend and i took a break for a few months (now back together) due to hardships of being in a long distance relationship. Now in that time period she ended up 'dating' someone else and sleeping with him. But for the life of me I just can't get over it! i know she didnt do anything wrong, she was completely within her rights as a single person to sleep with someone else. But fuck i just can't get the image of them together out of my head, she's slept with other people before we got together originally and those times never bother me, just this instance. For more context: I lost my virginity to her, we dated for two years before the break, and she's the first love i've ever had.
I know this is irrational for me to be so bothered by, thats the thing, i completely recognize how ridiculous it is, but it doesnt change anything. Maybe its because i'm young (18) and still not fully mature yet.
Maybe I feel like it cheapens her feelings for me because it took such a short amount of time for her to fuck someone else, i dunno. I mean i'm extremely happy that we got back together, she's the absolute love of my life, and makes me happier than any thing else. But this one instance just kills me, i want to throw up everytime i think about it.
This is more of a rant than anything else, i havent really talked to anyone else about this as i havent been in the area very long so i dont have many close friends here. Thanks for listening i guess 
Any input i welcome!
-------------------- Think for yourself, question authority
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Masked
The Nutter


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: psyconaught]
#18752761 - 08/24/13 07:16 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Wow so you were 16 when you were active on this board?
A lot of guys would be bothered by this. It's perfectly natural to feel this way, but I would work on changing it. Jealousy is a very poison emotion to let it take hold of you.
The good news is that you seem to be aware of it and are talking about it and trying to work through it.
Just imagine what would hurt more...imagine her deciding to still stay with that guy and on a daily basis getting filled with his sperm? She came back to YOU for a reason. That's got to mean a lot right there right? 
Just try and focus on the present moment, the only true moment in life that matters. What you have both done in the past should be irrelevant in "today".
Long distance relationships on a long term basis will never work though...just my 2 cents
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psyconaught
Chemical Connoisseur


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 6,100
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: Masked]
#18752871 - 08/24/13 07:52 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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yeah i was pretty young when i joined haha, may have even been 15.
I agree that does mean alot, however what gets me is how easy it was for her to sleep with someone else so soon when she always used to talk about how emotional sex is to her, so either this guy got that close to her that quickly, or sex is more of just a physical thing to her, which worries me, what does that say about how she feels towards me? And if it was that easy for her how easy would it be for her to cheat etc. I'm mostly rambling at this point, it helps.
And on the long distance thing, i completely agree, I moved away last summer and we're moving in together in a few months, so at the longest this whole thing will be for about a year and a half at the most.
-------------------- Think for yourself, question authority
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Masked
The Nutter


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: psyconaught]
#18752911 - 08/24/13 08:01 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
when she always used to talk about how emotional sex is to her...or sex is more of just a physical thing to her
she's also young I'm assuming. You both need to realize that being sexually active is definitely predominantly a physical thing first. It's in her, and your, DNA to mate. This is something you shouldn't worry about. You can't fight nature man.
In my experience, when people are feeling alone and vulnerable after a breakup, they usually will reach out to the opposite sex more.
"rebound" sex is very common. I know men who prey on that. As soon as they know a woman has just gotten out of serious relationship, they are all over that shit 
I can tell you already know deep down that her sleeping with another man "so soon" is absolutely no reflection on how she feels about you.
good luck, a year and half in a monogamous long distance relationship is no easy feat
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Spacerific
- - - >


Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: psyconaught]
#18752941 - 08/24/13 08:10 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Mate, IMO you feel that way because you're a primate. It's good to realize and accept that. Whatever your brain tells you, the "logical" reason, is complete and utter fabrication. Even if you knew something closer to the "real" reasons, it still would do little to make the feeling go away. Reasons are logical, emotions are just a sort of energy. Still have to deal with them somehow.
Judging from the outside, from the little one can understand from this thread, your response is indeed a bit paranoid and with little basis. And also quite normal and to be expected.
Single women date and fuck, just like single dudes date and fuck and masturbate thinking of whoever, and so on. Did you sleep with nobody else during that time? More importantly, did you not WANT to sleep with any other girls during those months spent alone? Let's not kid ourselves here. And if you had nailed a few girls, would that cheapen how you feel now about your girl?
Anyway, that's just to put things logically into some perspective. Emotionally, what I'd try if I were in your place, is actually giving the primate brain what it seems to ask for. Whatever part of your brain sends you the signal that no, this is no longer a good valid female for you, because here's this fucked up imagery, follow that for a while. Don't talk to her and don't see her for a few days. You'll more than likely start to miss her. Like really miss her. Once that happens, that chimp part of your brain will probably start to quiet down and be chill again and accept stuff. What's done is done, and fucking or no fucking, we miss this girl so let's go home. You know that feeling of being away, like on a longer camping trip in the woods. Some cold, harsh conditions and adversity, really teaches you to appreciate the soft bed at home, the warm cooked meal and other things you used to find flaws in.
That'd be my attempt of fixing it. Not sure how it would work. Definitely better than doing nothing.
Alternative idea: explain the situation to her and say that now would be a great time for a nice threesome, then start looking for a nice fresh girl to bring into the picture
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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psyconaught
Chemical Connoisseur


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 6,100
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: Masked]
#18752995 - 08/24/13 08:36 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Masked said:
Quote:
when she always used to talk about how emotional sex is to her...or sex is more of just a physical thing to her
she's also young I'm assuming. You both need to realize that being sexually active is definitely predominantly a physical thing first. It's in her, and your, DNA to mate. This is something you shouldn't worry about. You can't fight nature man.
In my experience, when people are feeling alone and vulnerable after a breakup, they usually will reach out to the opposite sex more.
"rebound" sex is very common. I know men who prey on that. As soon as they know a woman has just gotten out of serious relationship, they are all over that shit 
I can tell you already know deep down that her sleeping with another man "so soon" is absolutely no reflection on how she feels about you.
good luck, a year and half in a monogamous long distance relationship is no easy feat
it was most definitely a rebound relationship she was in, thats pretty common for her to do.
-------------------- Think for yourself, question authority
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Masked
The Nutter


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: psyconaught]
#18753002 - 08/24/13 08:38 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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thats pretty common for her humans to do.
Yep 
Doesn't make how she feels about you any less genuine. You guys are together and trying to make a long distance relationship still work...that means a lot
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psyconaught
Chemical Connoisseur


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 6,100
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Re: Why does her sleeping with someone else bother me so much? [Re: psyconaught]
#18753014 - 08/24/13 08:42 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Single women date and fuck, just like single dudes date and fuck and masturbate thinking of whoever, and so on. Did you sleep with nobody else during that time? More importantly, did you not WANT to sleep with any other girls during those months spent alone? Let's not kid ourselves here. And if you had nailed a few girls, would that cheapen how you feel now about your girl?
I know! thats the thing, i know what she did was natural and to be expected. However I can't shut those feelings off, calling it the primate brain is very accurate i think. And no i did not sleep with anyone else or even want to. I could have easily, there were a few girls pining for me and i could have at the drop of a hat. But i stayed "faithful" even when she was out sleeping with other people.
I've already thought about that, i know it would not cheapen how i feel about her if i did sleep with someone else. And that does help put things into perspective for me. I realize how i'm feeling is juvenile and not warranted, and i am trying to work through it. Which is why i started this thread, talking about things and hearing other perspectives helps a lot. So thank you everyone!
-------------------- Think for yourself, question authority
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