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OfflineMemories
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Self-Destructing * 3
    #18730081 - 08/19/13 10:05 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.

Before this, i literally embraced drug addiction and the physical harm i was doing to myself. Even attempting to try embracing life felt like i was lying to myself and trying to find purpose where non existed. It felt like some romantic, indirect suicide.


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OfflineUniversaleyeni
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18730286 - 08/19/13 10:52 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Cool, memories! Upgrading to an improved version of yourself :thumbup:


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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories] * 2
    #18730298 - 08/19/13 10:54 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Memories said:
For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.





Don't worry. These feelings will pass. :jester:


--------------------


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #18730359 - 08/19/13 11:13 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I really hope they stick around for a bit. Growing is so much brighter of an experience than knowingly expediting my death in an apathetic drug binge.

I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.


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InvisibleOrgoneConclusion
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18730373 - 08/19/13 11:18 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

My personal goal is to outlive all you young Turks. So far I am winning!

:winning:


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
    #18730393 - 08/19/13 11:22 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I'm actually Polish.


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18731049 - 08/20/13 06:21 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Memories said:
For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.

Before this, i literally embraced drug addiction and the physical harm i was doing to myself. Even attempting to try embracing life felt like i was lying to myself and trying to find purpose where non existed. It felt like some romantic, indirect suicide.




Quote:

Memories said:
I really hope they stick around for a bit. Growing is so much brighter of an experience than knowingly expediting my death in an apathetic drug binge.

I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.




:thumbup:
That is good news Memories, and I am glad for you.


--------------------
:brainondrugs:

You are not special :haha:


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18731053 - 08/20/13 06:26 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

:thumbup:

Memories if you need any good Polish jokes PM me. :lol:

Seriously, I wish you the very best. :satansmoking:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18731126 - 08/20/13 07:15 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks Tymo and Ice.

It's going to be hard to apply myself. I've literally never studied for a test, and have rarely done homework. Hell, i lost the will to even go to class halfway through the semester, and when i went i was too faded and apathetic to remember much of anything.

I don't want to keep living a life where my primary focus is staying loaded 24/7. I want to be able to comfortably meet new people without frantically finding GABA drugs to quell the anxiety. I want to live a sustainable lifestyle for once without floating from one addiction to the next.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18731130 - 08/20/13 07:17 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Better find something that really captures your interest. That will help tremendously with all that test shit.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18731173 - 08/20/13 07:32 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I will probably be fine as long as i go to classes sober. Testing is easy for me as long as i have some idea of the subject matter.

I just need to figure out how to get myself out of "fuck it" mode or at least lessen the degree of it.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18731190 - 08/20/13 07:39 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Again find what you would love to do and "fuck it" will take a hike.  For me it was backpacking and fishing and dogs and chasing after "true love". :nicesmile:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18731204 - 08/20/13 07:44 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Sure, but what about money?

The money i get for attending school is very substantial relative to the amount of work it requires.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18731229 - 08/20/13 07:53 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

We all make our choices.  The backpacking, fishing, and dogs were choices I never for a moment regretted. Everything else at best I had mixed feelings about and at the end of my life I'll only regret not doing more of those three things.  Maybe those vagabond days are over for kids now or just something I was very good at.  That is all my life boils down to now though, subjectivly. That is all that has real meaning for me. The rest is a wash at best.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18731253 - 08/20/13 08:02 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I don't think that vagabond lifestyle is as feasible anymore. I've fantasized about such a life, but it strikes me as somewhat unrealistic atm.

I think it is more reasonable to attend school for the money and spend my summers festival hopping and backpacking the world.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18731324 - 08/20/13 08:42 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

There ya go.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineGrapefruit
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18731587 - 08/20/13 10:23 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I recommend avoiding office jobs, or at least try some work experience doing an office job before you try to study for one. I had a great opportunity to make a lot of money in programming at one time, but I found working in a office so unbelievably soul crushing and I left after a two months. What I found was I couldn't stomach the idea of spending even five or ten years of my life there.

Making sure you don't lose the "spirit" of you life is very important IMO and not losing the spirit of it doesn't necessarily mean you have to act like a vagabond. There are little things that you can do to ensure you at least have some kind of goals that give you some meaning, fulfilment or something of the sort and the work that you do is built around that; otherwise you're really in trouble IMO. Some of the older turned conservative, dull and cynical end up with a poor inner life even if they do well for themselves. I've seen the same thing in poor people who work only to save for pensions and so on, so it's not a money thing in itself but an attitude to it IMO.


--------------------
Little left in the way of energy; or the way of love, yet happy to entertain myself playing mental games with the rest of you freaks until the rivers run backwards. 

"Chat your fraff
Chat your fraff
Just chat your fraff
Chat your fraff"


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Grapefruit]
    #18734204 - 08/20/13 08:40 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Grapefruit said:
I recommend avoiding office jobs, or at least try some work experience doing an office job before you try to study for one. I had a great opportunity to make a lot of money in programming at one time, but I found working in a office so unbelievably soul crushing and I left after a two months. What I found was I couldn't stomach the idea of spending even five or ten years of my life there.

Making sure you don't lose the "spirit" of you life is very important IMO and not losing the spirit of it doesn't necessarily mean you have to act like a vagabond. There are little things that you can do to ensure you at least have some kind of goals that give you some meaning, fulfilment or something of the sort and the work that you do is built around that; otherwise you're really in trouble IMO. Some of the older turned conservative, dull and cynical end up with a poor inner life even if they do well for themselves.




My dad is one of those people who ended up fucked mentally even though he is well off. He has always had a ton of emotional issues though. He is extremely rich and extremely miserable, constantly worrying that everything he has built is going to collapse around him at any moment.


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InvisiblePenelope_Tree
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18734374 - 08/20/13 09:10 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Memories said:
I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.




It sounds like you care about yourself, and that is something positive, imo. :sun:


--------------------
full blown human


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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18735457 - 08/21/13 01:50 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Memories said:

I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.




:awedisgust:

Did you catch a bug or something?


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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18735472 - 08/21/13 01:56 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
We all make our choices.  The backpacking, fishing, and dogs were choices I never for a moment regretted. Everything else at best I had mixed feelings about and at the end of my life I'll only regret not doing more of those three things.  Maybe those vagabond days are over for kids now or just something I was very good at.  That is all my life boils down to now though, subjectivly. That is all that has real meaning for me. The rest is a wash at best.




That's similar to how I feel, there are a few key things which everything revolves around and everything else either doesn't matter or gets in the way.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18735486 - 08/21/13 02:06 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

time for a good cleansing
recuperation
reintegration

Quote:

OrgoneConclusion said:
Quote:

Memories said:
For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.





Don't worry. These feelings will pass. :jester:



actually pretty helpful


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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Offlineusulpsychonaut
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18735500 - 08/21/13 02:14 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Sounds good.

I just snapped out of an alcohol, tobacco and depression nightmare myself. There can be no choice but to embrace these nightmares, it's a mysterious process. I pray there is no further requirement for me to fuck with these specific poisons again. I'm getting out into the wilderness that I live in now. No fence though so I can't do dogs (a fence is simply my standard requirement for owning dogs). A couple of cats moved in, pets really do bring a bit of joy/reduce loneliness.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: usulpsychonaut]
    #18735646 - 08/21/13 03:11 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

usulpsychonaut said:
Sounds good.

I just snapped out of an alcohol, tobacco and depression nightmare myself. There can be no choice but to embrace these nightmares, it's a mysterious process. I pray there is no further requirement for me to fuck with these specific poisons again. I'm getting out into the wilderness that I live in now. No fence though so I can't do dogs (a fence is simply my standard requirement for owning dogs). A couple of cats moved in, pets really do bring a bit of joy/reduce loneliness.




You could always train your dogs. :shrug:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Repertoire89]
    #18736003 - 08/21/13 05:44 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Penelope_Tree said:
Quote:

Memories said:
I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.




It sounds like you care about yourself, and that is something positive, imo. :sun:




Thanks. I'm not sure if this will last, but I feel so motivated. Instead of fantasizing about drugs, I've been fantasizing about doing good in school and being healthy. :eek: I literally randomly lost the urge to buy more cigs, and I've been smoking .5-1.5 packs a day for like a year and a half. Haven't smoked a cig or had any nicotine in three days.



Quote:

Repertoire89 said:
Quote:

Memories said:

I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.




:awedisgust:

Did you catch a bug or something?




These feelings had been building because I knew I wasn't living sustainably, but then I tripped really fucking hard on some LSD like a week ago, and on the comedown I realized how much of my thinking was junk associations. It became extremely apparent that my thinking had become overrun with fantastical day dreaming and obsessing over drugs.

I found myself able to drastically reduce the constant stream of junk associations flowing through my mind, and as a result, I felt very empty for a few days. I finally started having my usual constant stream of thinking again, but the junk associations have remained in small number compared to what they used to be.

Basically, it felt like I grew up.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories] * 1
    #18736216 - 08/21/13 07:11 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Grew up?  Maybe.  Grew up to some stronger connection to your impermanence anxieties possibly.  Your earlier position imo was as valid and mature as the one you have now. They are both subjective postions and therefore ultimately equal and you will likely have to revisit them as the realities of life have not changed and time marches on.  So enjoy the ride. When you can.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18736242 - 08/21/13 07:22 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
Grew up?  Maybe.  Grew up to some stronger connection to your impermanence anxieties possibly.  Your earlier position imo was as valid and mature as the one you have now. They are both subjective postions and therefore ultimately equal and you will likely have to revisit them as the realities of life have not changed and time marches on.  So enjoy the ride. When you can.





Blowing all my money on drugs as soon as I get it and subsequently fucking with my mental health doesn't sound very mature to me.

Also, I'm recognizing the fact that I need money to continue the lifestyle I enjoy and that my monetary resources are going to be quickly dwindling if I don't start working at something.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18736255 - 08/21/13 07:28 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

There was a time when you thought it the only mature option to an insane world. Only your perspective has changed and not the world.  Many would think your current "mature" position to be insane.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineGorlax
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18736278 - 08/21/13 07:37 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I've never had suicidal stage but def had a charlie sheen stage brought on by devastating news other than that keep on living.


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
    #18736344 - 08/21/13 08:03 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
There was a time when you thought it the only mature option to an insane world. Only your perspective has changed and not the world.  Many would think your current "mature" position to be insane.




I thought it was the only option at all when being honest about the realities of life.

I still constantly think about the things that have traumatized me in the past. The thing is that I have thought about this stuff so much that I have desensitized myself to some degree.

I still think about the fact that every person I look at is a fragile sack of organs with feet of bacteria ridden fecal matter just sitting in their intestines. I still acknowledge that once you die, it no longer matters what you have done. I realize that applying myself will only temporarily increase my overall levels of satisfaction and that I will likely return to a state of despair once the hope of increasingly positive experiences begins to inevitably fade.

The fact of the matter is that by conducting myself differently, I will be happier temporarily. I'm a hedonist to the core, and I want to achieve these higher states of euphoria. I want to stack drug induced euphoria with the euphoria of self-satisfaction.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18736350 - 08/21/13 08:07 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah that's all I'm sayin.  I do the same thing on an almost daily basis. Everyday I try to find some good distractions that will bring some pleasure while I wait. Usually that involves voluntarily BSing myself to one degree or another. :haha:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlineresonant111
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Grapefruit]
    #18737035 - 08/21/13 11:34 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Grapefruit said:
I recommend avoiding office jobs, or at least try some work experience doing an office job before you try to study for one. I had a great opportunity to make a lot of money in programming at one time, but I found working in a office so unbelievably soul crushing and I left after a two months. What I found was I couldn't stomach the idea of spending even five or ten years of my life there.





office jobs suck. especially when you make $10 an hour before taxes :wink: it literally feels like you're walled in. kind of like being in prison except you have to answer calls, and do a bunch of paperwork to boot :grin:


--------------------


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Offlinegeckomage
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18738325 - 08/21/13 04:01 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I know how you feel brother, ive been there. The fact is we only have one simple purpose. it is to be born. survive. reproduce. and die. That is the purpose of all life. But life is so much more than that.

Just remember. It's all about how you look at it. You can make anything in your mind anything you want it to be all based on your perspective.

Just keep looking at it in different ways until you find it cast in a positive light! :smile:

Next, you need to find your true passion. something that when you're doing it, it's work but it doesnt feel like work. it gives you a reason to wake up in the mornings, gets you PUMPED. you don't even have to be good at it (that'll come later) just passionate about it. Pursue it RELENTLESSLY. "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." - unknown. You KNOW who you are, you KNOW what you can do, and you KNOW that you can  do whatever you set your heart mind and soul to. If you truly make yourself believe it will happen, your mind will make it happen. Also known as the power of manifestation.

Also happiness comes not to those who seek it, but rather those who find it in what lies around them. Because when you are seeking happiness you are seeking that next step. And when you finally reach that step all you can see is the one beyond that.

Now, the human mind is wired to recognize negative things. It takes 12 positive things to outweigh one negative one in the mind. Why? that makes no sense? well, it's all about how you look at it. Back when we were all monkeys (if you have different beliefs back when we came from wherever) it was a survival mechanism. If you were sitting around staring at flowers all day and never noticed that you were out of food or water chances are you would end up dead, without reproducing (going against the basic purpose)

You can't ever completely control your mind, and it's pointless to fight it. What you must do is learn how it works and how you can work with it to get shit done. Like that simple trick. Take a look at the grass blowing in the wind. Feel the sun on your face. The love of your family and friends. Taste the sweetness of a fresh berry. Ya know? you always, always, always gotta enjoy the little things (one of my favorite life quotes courtesy of zombieland)

So, remember. you CAN do whatever you set your heart mind and soul to. and you KNOW you can. and you must BELIEVE that you can.

Finally, always remember that the worlds worst prison is the one we create for ourselves in our own minds. Don't ever tell yourself you can't do something. remove "Can't" from your vocabulary. because if you tell yourself you can't. you'll believe you can't. and your mind will make sure you can't ever do it.

Once you figure it out you'll be boggled by how simple it really is. But you can do it, you will go places, you will make a difference, you will live a great life. I believe you will, the only thing left that needs to happen is for you to join me in this belief. :P

Have a lovely day brother! hope things get brighter for you soon.


--------------------
‎"If the words 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on." -Terence McKenna

"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice."
-Albert Einstein

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"
- Scott Adams


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InvisibleWhite Beard

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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18739182 - 08/21/13 07:09 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Memories said:
Sure, but what about money?

The money i get for attending school is very substantial relative to the amount of work it requires.




Why do you get paid to go to school?


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OfflineMemories
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: White Beard]
    #18739338 - 08/21/13 07:41 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

My parents are well off.


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OfflineHerbal Ways
Registered: 06/30/13
Posts: 10
Loc: Canada Flag
Last seen: 3 years, 3 months
Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
    #18739537 - 08/21/13 08:20 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I've undergone the same change in mentality lately too, it's pretty crazy. Gotta love it.


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