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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Self-Destructing 3
#18730081 - 08/19/13 10:05 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.
Before this, i literally embraced drug addiction and the physical harm i was doing to myself. Even attempting to try embracing life felt like i was lying to myself and trying to find purpose where non existed. It felt like some romantic, indirect suicide.
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Universaleyeni
Friend



Registered: 04/18/13
Posts: 528
Loc: Fl
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18730286 - 08/19/13 10:52 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Cool, memories! Upgrading to an improved version of yourself
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories] 2
#18730298 - 08/19/13 10:54 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Memories said: For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.
Don't worry. These feelings will pass.
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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I really hope they stick around for a bit. Growing is so much brighter of an experience than knowingly expediting my death in an apathetic drug binge.
I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18730373 - 08/19/13 11:18 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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My personal goal is to outlive all you young Turks. So far I am winning!
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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I'm actually Polish.
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Cyclohexylamine
Turn on, Tune in, Drop out



Registered: 09/08/10
Posts: 14,327
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18731049 - 08/20/13 06:21 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Memories said: For the first time in my life which i have memory of, i don't feel compelled to willingly destroy my chances at an increasingly positive existence. I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.
Before this, i literally embraced drug addiction and the physical harm i was doing to myself. Even attempting to try embracing life felt like i was lying to myself and trying to find purpose where non existed. It felt like some romantic, indirect suicide.
Quote:
Memories said: I really hope they stick around for a bit. Growing is so much brighter of an experience than knowingly expediting my death in an apathetic drug binge.
I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.
 That is good news Memories, and I am glad for you.
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You are not special
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Memories if you need any good Polish jokes PM me. 
Seriously, I wish you the very best.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
#18731126 - 08/20/13 07:15 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks Tymo and Ice.
It's going to be hard to apply myself. I've literally never studied for a test, and have rarely done homework. Hell, i lost the will to even go to class halfway through the semester, and when i went i was too faded and apathetic to remember much of anything.
I don't want to keep living a life where my primary focus is staying loaded 24/7. I want to be able to comfortably meet new people without frantically finding GABA drugs to quell the anxiety. I want to live a sustainable lifestyle for once without floating from one addiction to the next.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18731130 - 08/20/13 07:17 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Better find something that really captures your interest. That will help tremendously with all that test shit.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
#18731173 - 08/20/13 07:32 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I will probably be fine as long as i go to classes sober. Testing is easy for me as long as i have some idea of the subject matter.
I just need to figure out how to get myself out of "fuck it" mode or at least lessen the degree of it.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18731190 - 08/20/13 07:39 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Again find what you would love to do and "fuck it" will take a hike. For me it was backpacking and fishing and dogs and chasing after "true love".
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
#18731204 - 08/20/13 07:44 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Sure, but what about money?
The money i get for attending school is very substantial relative to the amount of work it requires.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18731229 - 08/20/13 07:53 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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We all make our choices. The backpacking, fishing, and dogs were choices I never for a moment regretted. Everything else at best I had mixed feelings about and at the end of my life I'll only regret not doing more of those three things. Maybe those vagabond days are over for kids now or just something I was very good at. That is all my life boils down to now though, subjectivly. That is all that has real meaning for me. The rest is a wash at best.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Icelander]
#18731253 - 08/20/13 08:02 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I don't think that vagabond lifestyle is as feasible anymore. I've fantasized about such a life, but it strikes me as somewhat unrealistic atm.
I think it is more reasonable to attend school for the money and spend my summers festival hopping and backpacking the world.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18731324 - 08/20/13 08:42 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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There ya go.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Grapefruit
Freak in the forest


Registered: 05/09/08
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18731587 - 08/20/13 10:23 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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I recommend avoiding office jobs, or at least try some work experience doing an office job before you try to study for one. I had a great opportunity to make a lot of money in programming at one time, but I found working in a office so unbelievably soul crushing and I left after a two months. What I found was I couldn't stomach the idea of spending even five or ten years of my life there.
Making sure you don't lose the "spirit" of you life is very important IMO and not losing the spirit of it doesn't necessarily mean you have to act like a vagabond. There are little things that you can do to ensure you at least have some kind of goals that give you some meaning, fulfilment or something of the sort and the work that you do is built around that; otherwise you're really in trouble IMO. Some of the older turned conservative, dull and cynical end up with a poor inner life even if they do well for themselves. I've seen the same thing in poor people who work only to save for pensions and so on, so it's not a money thing in itself but an attitude to it IMO.
-------------------- Little left in the way of energy; or the way of love, yet happy to entertain myself playing mental games with the rest of you freaks until the rivers run backwards. "Chat your fraff Chat your fraff Just chat your fraff Chat your fraff"
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Memories



Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 10,484
Loc: Suwannee River
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Quote:
Grapefruit said: I recommend avoiding office jobs, or at least try some work experience doing an office job before you try to study for one. I had a great opportunity to make a lot of money in programming at one time, but I found working in a office so unbelievably soul crushing and I left after a two months. What I found was I couldn't stomach the idea of spending even five or ten years of my life there.
Making sure you don't lose the "spirit" of you life is very important IMO and not losing the spirit of it doesn't necessarily mean you have to act like a vagabond. There are little things that you can do to ensure you at least have some kind of goals that give you some meaning, fulfilment or something of the sort and the work that you do is built around that; otherwise you're really in trouble IMO. Some of the older turned conservative, dull and cynical end up with a poor inner life even if they do well for themselves.
My dad is one of those people who ended up fucked mentally even though he is well off. He has always had a ton of emotional issues though. He is extremely rich and extremely miserable, constantly worrying that everything he has built is going to collapse around him at any moment.
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18734374 - 08/20/13 09:10 PM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Memories said: I hope i can care about something positive soon. Time is ticking.
It sounds like you care about yourself, and that is something positive, imo.
--------------------
full blown human
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: Self-Destructing [Re: Memories]
#18735457 - 08/21/13 01:50 AM (10 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Memories said:
I actually feel the want to apply myself and actively grow in my capabilities.

Did you catch a bug or something?
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