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InvisibleMasked
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How to let someone go?
    #18729225 - 08/19/13 07:12 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I recently have been going through a breakup that has been quite harrowing.  4 years of an intense emotional rollercoaster with this woman, who is the mother of my son and the mother of my step daugther.

I'm an emotional guy and invested everything I am into this.  With kids involved, it just increases the emotional turmoil when splitting by 10 fold.

Lately, she's been really laying on the sweetness thick, talks about how we are still going to work on things...I don't know it's hard to explain all the intricacies of our current "relationship".  She's making it clear she wants to work on things  Needless to say, I'm left confused, yet angry and sad and in great depression dealing with losing my family unit.  It's a great inner turmoil of emotions.  She's done and said a lot of horrible things to me and I realize more and more with each day, just how selfish she is.  So I'm very unsure if it's worth salvaging.  Although this is a talk i have yet to have with her in great detail. 

we are only a few weeks in on this break up and I just picked the kids up for my one night(I work shift work), and I got home and decided on calling her to make some small talk, perhaps try and get together and do something as a family.  She's been sending me texts hinting at this.

Well as I expected would happen sooner then later, I phone and she's hanging out with an ex boyfriend.  The same ex she claimed she's JUST friends with while we are dating, but she felt it was inappropriate to see him while we were engaged and ready to be married.  So for years she hasn't seen him and now, only 3 weeks in, she's hanging out with him.  I told her through text I was utterly destroyed and how could she?  She said she "was offended that I'm angry she's with him"

I made it quite clear to her, I'm not angry, just hurt/betrayed.  I said, you made the decision to not see him anymore while we are together, but now it's okay to see him, even though you still want to work on things and consider us still partners?

I shouldn't care, because I should be moved on.  This is just another example of why I DON'T want to be her partner anymore.

And I also know she's a liar and a master manipulator.  I can almost guarantee that tonight she's going to be filled up with his cock.  the thought absoulutely destroys me...I'm losing my breath thinking about it, feel on the edge of panic.

Why am I still so emotionally invested in a woman who has done nothing but destroy me mentally for years straight?  She's done some terrible things to me, said even worse things to me and seems very selfish.  She seeks the company of a man and this ex was only a hop, skip and jump away.

How can I let her go?  You have to realize it's not as easy as having a "fuck you bitch" attitude because there is kids involved.  We have to somehow be friends and I have to do it through actions like these.  This is just the beginning.  There will be more moments like this to come, ones much worse.

I knew in the back of my head something like this was going to happen in a matter of weeks...yet nothing can prepare you for it when it actually happens.  A small part of my hoped she wasn't capable, but she definitely is. 

And she's vindictive.  The fact I sent her a few texts will probably even push her to decide to be filled up with his cock out of spite.  It's definitely her style.

I didn't get angry with her or say anything rude in the texts.  But I could tell by the 3rd one my hurt was starting to turn to anger, so I just am refraining from texting.

I'm really hurt.  I feel jealous. I feel betrayed.  But it's illogical since I should be moved on.  But I'm not.  And she's not either, she's still holding onto me.  Which makes this worse...it's like she wants the best parts of everything.  She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

I can't seem to let her go, even though I know it's for the best.  All she is going to do is hurt me over and over again like this.

Advice on how to let someone go, with kids involved?  I wish their were no kids in our life sometimes...I'd truly delete her from my life.  It would be so much easier that way


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Offlinehuffinglue
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Registered: 09/26/08
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: Masked] * 1
    #18729325 - 08/19/13 07:35 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

I'm in the exact boat as you, dude! My ex is the same way. I get to see my kid, who's now 1, 3 times a week, and usually get her 8yr old son too. Only time will get you over her. She probably doesn't really want to work things out. She's just saying that as a way to manipulate you, wich you said she was a master at, and so is mine. At least you get to see your kid, and after you get over her, you can move on too and start gettin your dick wet. It'd probably be a good idea to get something in writing and noterized about child support. Mine hasn't takin me to court yet, but I pay half of child care and give her money all the time. Even though she's shacked up with some old jewish guy. You don't want your kid to turn 18 and then she go to court and you owe like $50,000 in back child support. It just takes time dude, and it sucks. Try to get yoour kid more than one day a week and gett him insurance or something.

She's gunna keep on malipulatinng you as long as you let her. Don't get mad and send a bunch of nasty text to her, she can use that against you. Just be cordial and passive and maybe shell treat you like a human being. Gl man. I know its hard. It just takes time. And document EVERYTHING!


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I fucking hate grammer nazis! Yes, I can't spell. Yes, I don't have perfect grammer. I post from my phone and dont give a shit about people whose lifes are so boring they get off on putting people down for not having perfect fucking grammer, even though they know excactly what there saying.. Fuck You. It's just a ride mang...


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Offlinehappymealplease
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: Masked]
    #18729387 - 08/19/13 07:44 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

The best advice I have to offer there is to keep your cool no matter what, especially since kids are involved.  You did the right thing stopping from texting her when you knew it was getting worse.  She may not even be boning her ex, she might be seeing him so she can let you know she's seeing him and trying to mess with your head that way.  Talk to her, try your best to figure out what's going on, never let your anger get the best of you, and figure out what's best for you and your kid.

No matter what, it isn't going to be easy.  You're the man, you're going to have to be prepared to eat and put up with a lot of shit before this gets better.  It sucks ass, but it's the way it goes in these situations.

I'd honestly do it over the phone or in person, in a public place (like meet her for coffee or something, in case shit gets crazy, there are other people and it isn't just he said she said).  Need to get right in the line of fire and sort this shit out asap.  It sounds like you aren't completely convinced you need to let go yet, so if you make the effort and she just keeps spewing venom your way, you'll find the "letting go" part comes a lot easier.


Edited by happymealplease (08/19/13 07:46 PM)


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: happymealplease]
    #18729523 - 08/19/13 08:13 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks for the replies guys.

Yeah, I pay 500 a month, it's all documented.  If she really wants to screw my life over she can go ahead and try.  i don't want to involve lawyers, courts or anything like that and either does she at this point.

Luckily, this post isn't about such things.

It's about letting go of her when I know it's the right thing and I know it's mostly what I want.

I think the advice about being passive, no anger and such is great.  Luckily, my texts weren't rude or vulgar or full of anger or anything like that.  I'd like to keep it that way.

I just find it so hard to let her go.  And one of you said how she has probably moved on, but pretends not to be, to manipulate.  I think that might be part of it, but I also think she is attached to me and loves what I can provide as far as emotional support and whatnot.  She wants the best of all worlds.

I think the answer that you both mentioned, which I already feared is...it's just time.  Only time can heal.  I know this.  I just hate all the horrible emotional moments and obstacles I have to go through to get to the point where I've truly let her go.

Her way of letting go will be to fill her "void" with another man...like she's probably doing right now.  And at this stage, it kills me even though it's illogical I care


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Offlinehuffinglue
tryin to stay sober
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Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 450
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: How to let someone go? [Re: Masked]
    #18729692 - 08/19/13 08:45 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

At least you realize and have a rational grasp on your emotions and how they affect you. Keep that up for sure. You'll be alright.


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I fucking hate grammer nazis! Yes, I can't spell. Yes, I don't have perfect grammer. I post from my phone and dont give a shit about people whose lifes are so boring they get off on putting people down for not having perfect fucking grammer, even though they know excactly what there saying.. Fuck You. It's just a ride mang...


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Posts: 14,327
Re: How to let someone go? [Re: huffinglue]
    #18729833 - 08/19/13 09:17 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

huffinglue said:
At least you realize and have a rational grasp on your emotions and how they affect you. Keep that up for sure. You'll be alright.




This.

You have a good head on your shoulders Masked, from what I have read of your posts. It's always hard letting go of someone you had deep history with, but it does get easier with time. You know my story, so no point in reposting it here.

The one thing I think would be a terrible idea would be to try to make it work again - it didn't work out for a reason. Prolonging that will just prolong the hurt and emotional trauma you have to endure (and she has to endure to). The sooner you can let it go the sooner it will get better.

Learning to let go is something that helped me immensely. Meditation helps with this (mindfulness). Counselling can also be VERY helpful.
Cutting off contact is also essential, for most people. Obviously this is complicated by the fact that you two have a kid together, but other than communication regarding the kid, I would suggest not communicating, for both of your emotional health.

Quote:

I think the advice about being passive, no anger and such is great.  Luckily, my texts weren't rude or vulgar or full of anger or anything like that.  I'd like to keep it that way.




Yup - just let it go, giving into anger only feeds that emotional hurt.

Quote:

I just find it so hard to let her go.  And one of you said how she has probably moved on, but pretends not to be, to manipulate.  I think that might be part of it, but I also think she is attached to me and loves what I can provide as far as emotional support and whatnot.  She wants the best of all worlds.




I don't think she is trying to be manipulative. I don't obviously know her, but from what I have seen from experience, it's that she still has feelings for you. That doesn't mean "hey get back with her". What that means is that, much like you, she is having trouble letting go and is confused.

Quote:

I think the answer that you both mentioned, which I already feared is...it's just time.  Only time can heal.  I know this.  I just hate all the horrible emotional moments and obstacles I have to go through to get to the point where I've truly let her go.




Time really is the best healer of these sorts of things. And the emotional hurt that you go through really shapes you. And looking back at this years later you will be able to smile at it, and know you learned from it. But it takes time.

Quote:

Her way of letting go will be to fill her "void" with another man...like she's probably doing right now.  And at this stage, it kills me even though it's illogical I care




Sometimes rebound sex can help - that could work for you too - but tbh for me I could never just jump into a one night stand after a relationship - different people have different ways of getting over things.

I wish you all the best Masked, I know how difficult breakups of serious relationships can be, especially when you have been together for a while.
:hug:


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Yes this is tymo - I just changed my name

Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to awake from that dream? How would you know the difference between that dream world and the real world?


There is NOTHING better than feeling that warm dissociative fuzz creeping up your body from IM K
Something abut that anaesthetic rush... :inlove:

Qualitative Research Chemical Effects and Experiences
The Wonderful World of Methoxetamine
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OfflineMrBlueYoMind
Don't do drugs (Without me)

Registered: 04/27/11
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18730477 - 08/19/13 11:51 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

One thing that has worked for me when trying to get over an ex after a break-up is to write out a list of all the things I dislike about her and all the reasons why things wouldn't work out and why we shouldn't be together.  Anytime my mind starts playing tricks of nostalgia on me I can then break out the list and remind myself of some of the truths behind why we aren't together and how it's for the best.  It will hurt for a while, no doubt.  But the list can help you stay grounded.  I'd advise staying away from drugs to cope as well.  I know it's hard when there are kids involved, but as long as you stay emotional detached when dealing with her you should be able to be cordial enough to work out an agreement regarding custody/visitations.  Good luck, :peace:


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Confucius say: He who sticks drugs in butthole has head up ass. 
EVOLUTION REQUIRES REPRODUCTION


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: MrBlueYoMind]
    #18730639 - 08/20/13 01:01 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks for more great advice guys.

I plan on writing a more throurough response, especially to you tymoteusz, but I'm so emotionally bagged right now.

Just got off the phone with her.  We had a late night discussion about everything that happened.

Bottom line, it was better communication then we are used to, but still not great.  And still a reminder why we never got along.  We can never agree on anything.

We established and agreed that she would have never thought seeing this guy would be appropriate while we were living together.

Then she basically expressed to me that she thought it was alright to go and hang out with someone who would have been considered inappropriate to hang out with, because she was getting the feeling that I don't want to work on things.  He's an old friend and she wants to hang out with old friends if we aren't going to be a couple anymore.

I expressed that when she decided to move out and take my family, many of our possessions, as well as 500 a month from me, that was the day we weren't a couple anymore.  Then I told her, yet even though she did this, I am struggling to let her go because she gave me the signals that she still wanted to work on things.

Then she tells me she really does and wants nothing more and would have dropped everything she was doing that moment with her old friend to come hang out as a family.

I then express how I feel confused by her saying this because if that's how she really feels, she wouldn't have done something that she considers inappropriate.  Then she does the circle and says well I can't put my life on hold and it didn't seem like you wanted to work on things...

...then I say "but you just told me at this very moment that's how you truly feel.  You want nothing more to work on things.  Regardless how I feel, if this is truly how you feel, how is doing something you already established earlier as inappropriate reflect those feelings?

Then she says she doesn't know what I want from her.

I tell her quite honestly that I'm confused, especially now.  I ask her what she wants from me.  She tells me she wants to work on things.

We go off on tangents about the whole split up and how I did and said all these horrible things to her during the relationship and it makes me so angry because half of it is deluded lies.  She's actually convinced herself she's the victim.  Half the things she claims I've done and said to her, are things she did to me.  I realize the tangents we've went off on and try to bring us around course again.

She claims I was trying to make her feel bad by telling her how I feel.  I tell her that I wasn't and if that's a result of hearing how I'm feeling, well I'm sorry, but maybe there's a reason your OWN mind had decided to feel bad.

I tell her that the impression I get is that she's so fast to pull the trigger on male companionship the minute she feels she's getting mixed signals from me...and it hurts me she's so quick to pull the trigger.

The bottom line:

We both established we are both confused.  Well, I established this more for her then she did for herself, but I'm probably confused more I think.  She claims she wants to work on it and I can't give her a straight answer now that she wants one.  I have not once told her that I want to work on it.  She's right...she's going to have to know soon.  I feel it's unfair to put it on me though...after all, isn't her leaving me in the fashion described earlier, HER not wanting to work on things?

We are either together or not together.  Her moving and settling into a new place with our kids, collecting support from me, me seeing the kids only on days off...is that NOT together?

It isn't fair to her or me to be doing this half assed shit.  I need to give her an answer.  An answer so she can either A. completely move on or B. work on things with me.  She only wants to work on things with me, if I'm willing.

How can I be willing after she has left with my kids?  How can I be willing when she's so quick to start hanging out with old flames?
How can I be willing when I think about all the names, the horrible things she's done, flushing my engagement ring, throwing things at me, punching me, just all around horrible moments in our relationship?

There's so many reasons why we didn't work out.  No matter how hard we tried, we settled into the same old rut over and over and over again, for years.

I could make a huge laundry list of shitty things she has done, but that's not productive.  I'd rather make a list of all the great things she is/has done.

I'm just still so attached to her.  I think it's in her and my best interest to severe the cord completely.  And here I thought she already did.

How do I let her go?  How do I approach her tomorrow when I drop off the kids and say "i don't want to work on things".  It feels SO hard.  So hard.


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InvisibleJesusGoneRogue
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: Masked]
    #18732053 - 08/20/13 12:30 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Look man. you're gonna need some some time, LSD, good music, good times gettin fucked up with good friends, and some strange. After that you should be alright. :likeaboss:


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Onlinekoods
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: JesusGoneRogue]
    #18733090 - 08/20/13 04:23 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Masked - love you.  :hug:


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NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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InvisibleCyclohexylamine
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: koods]
    #18734628 - 08/20/13 10:05 PM (10 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

We both established we are both confused.  Well, I established this more for her then she did for herself, but I'm probably confused more I think.  She claims she wants to work on it and I can't give her a straight answer now that she wants one.  I have not once told her that I want to work on it.  She's right...she's going to have to know soon.  I feel it's unfair to put it on me though...after all, isn't her leaving me in the fashion described earlier, HER not wanting to work on things?

We are either together or not together.  Her moving and settling into a new place with our kids, collecting support from me, me seeing the kids only on days off...is that NOT together?

It isn't fair to her or me to be doing this half assed shit.  I need to give her an answer.  An answer so she can either A. completely move on or B. work on things with me.  She only wants to work on things with me, if I'm willing.

How can I be willing after she has left with my kids?  How can I be willing when she's so quick to start hanging out with old flames?
How can I be willing when I think about all the names, the horrible things she's done, flushing my engagement ring, throwing things at me, punching me, just all around horrible moments in our relationship?

There's so many reasons why we didn't work out.  No matter how hard we tried, we settled into the same old rut over and over and over again, for years.




What you wrote above is important. You are right - you can never forget the horrible things that happened and they severely changed the relationship. It's very very hard to start again after serious emotional hurt has occurred, and it is why there is no point in trying to make it work again. You know why it didn't work out - make a list of those reasons and keep them so you can remind yourself when you are wondering if perhaps you should go back.


--------------------
Yes this is tymo - I just changed my name

Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to awake from that dream? How would you know the difference between that dream world and the real world?


There is NOTHING better than feeling that warm dissociative fuzz creeping up your body from IM K
Something abut that anaesthetic rush... :inlove:

Qualitative Research Chemical Effects and Experiences
The Wonderful World of Methoxetamine
The 3-Meo-PCP Chapters, Part One


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InvisibleAmelia Rose
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Re: How to let someone go? [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
    #18736729 - 08/21/13 10:14 AM (10 years, 5 months ago)

This woman doesnt love you and wants to 'work on things' because your relationship is comfortable and she wants to ease her guilt of hurting you. Dont waste another minute pining after her.
The best way to move on is to get out and meet some new ladies. I know you probably dont want to and dont have a desire to meet someone new, but it is pretty easy to forget a mean bitch when a pretty little thing is shooting you a smile.


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