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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
yes another, im leaving
    #1808672 - 08/13/03 10:56 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)

- although i wasnt here that much, i considered this place as a second home.


well it seems my life has hit rock bottom.
ive lost everything,
and finally ive lost my girl.
this girl Is my world.
ive been with her for years. even broken up a few times
but i feel this time is permanent.
i feel like that guy, buddha's closest follower
after buddha was dead
he could not get over it
after knowing something so great,
nothing else could ever replace it

so, suicide was my first thought.
since ive always been manic depressive i suppose

but, after not being able to bring myself to
ive decided im just going to pack up my car and go with what little i have left
let fate decide the outcome
maybe ill find another life somewhere and
maybe even find happyness like i shared with rachel
or i will get on with my own demise in some remote forrest
either way, i feel i can no longer stay in this town (greensboro,NC)
and that its "time" to draw my cards.

i do not wish to put a burden apon anyone
no need for sorrys, no need for feeling bad
its all been my own doing
i guess i knew where i was heading'
theres so much i could have done diferent to make my life wonderful
but i didnt, and now i am worthless to civilization.

so, im waiting till later today
after rachel gets off work, to see her one more time
then ill be gone.

maybe my poetry ,
the only thing i ever acomplished will live on at this site
as it is no where else.
so, i say to you all
good bye


im curious, anyone know of any places that are nice to go?
any spiritual sites in america
any beuaitful woodlands to give my body too?


-matthew mcauley


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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OfflineDeiymiyan
I AM

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 656
Loc: Within the Realm of Imagi...
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Monkah]
    #1808758 - 08/13/03 11:30 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)

I've been there too... Rock bottom...

It's not pleasant.

Now that you are there though, there is no where left to go but up.


Gather your strength.

Time heals all wounds... Even those that make you fall out of the sky.




Canada, for your interest, is a very wonderful place to explore.


Stop by once in a while. I'm sure you will have many wonderful stories to share in the future !

Take care!




--------------------


Dei Gratia de integro,

Veni Vidi Vici:

In Nomine Domini..



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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Deiymiyan]
    #1808833 - 08/13/03 11:58 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)


isnt it cold there?
i really have no idea.

i dont think i would have any chance surviving in a cold area of the world.
but yes, ive always wanted to visit canada


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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Offlinefireworks_godS
Sexy.Butt.McDanger
Male

Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 24,849
Loc: Pandurn
Last seen: 15 days, 20 hours
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Deiymiyan]
    #1808840 - 08/13/03 12:02 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

If you've decided to kill yourself, you are disillusioned.. wanting to die is a definite sign of mental illness..

All I can say is not do it, rebuild, time heals everything, but, it is up to you: only you can decide.
Good luck, I hope you make the right choice.
Peace.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinefireworks_godS
Sexy.Butt.McDanger
Male

Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 24,849
Loc: Pandurn
Last seen: 15 days, 20 hours
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: fireworks_god]
    #1808863 - 08/13/03 12:08 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Wait.. are you planning on killing yourself, or have you decided to move on?
Peace.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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InvisibleFreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada Flag
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: fireworks_god]
    #1808869 - 08/13/03 12:09 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Hi Monkah: i remember reading your inpirational poems when i first came to the Shroomery, i'm genuinely sorry to hear you have fallen on such hard times. You mentioned looking for natural woodlands and also that you have always wznted to visit Canada, you might really enjoy Algonquin park, it's a GR8 big piece of nature/campsites a few hundred miles north of Toronto, i hope you find much light on your path man wherever it might take you :smile:


--------------------
"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"



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Offlinefireworks_godS
Sexy.Butt.McDanger
Male

Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 24,849
Loc: Pandurn
Last seen: 15 days, 20 hours
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: FreakQlibrium]
    #1808880 - 08/13/03 12:13 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Might I suggest, Norway? Most beautiful place in the world, ask anyone ( I have pictures if you wish to see them, PM me...)
Peace, and good luck.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlineneutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: fireworks_god]
    #1808899 - 08/13/03 12:22 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Is your poetry here on the shroomery?


--------------------
There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison


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OfflineEarth_Droid
Stranger
Registered: 04/19/02
Posts: 5,240
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: neutralizer]
    #1808916 - 08/13/03 12:29 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

I can totally understand and I am actually leaving too, I wish you peace!


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InvisibleAutonomous
MysteriousStranger

Registered: 05/10/02
Posts: 901
Loc: U.S.S.A.
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Monkah]
    #1808927 - 08/13/03 12:33 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Monkah said:
im curious, anyone know of any places that are nice to go?
any spiritual sites in america
any beuaitful woodlands to give my body too?




Mt. Shasta in California has great spiritual significance for the local Indians as well as beautiful woodlands. Also, when I first ventured into Yosemite I was brought to tears by the beauty - but try to go where/when there aren't a lot of tourists.


--------------------
"In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination."
-- Mark Twain


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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Autonomous]
    #1808936 - 08/13/03 12:36 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

If you've decided to kill yourself, you are disillusioned.. wanting to die is a definite sign of mental illness..


yes, maybe so.
but this illness has crippled me beyond any feeling of repair

i cant commit suicide..
i cannot bring myself to end it all with a knife or anything humane
i feel that if im going to die i should do so in nature
so i guess im more or less
taking a chance,
im just going to go, and if i die, it was meant
and if i find something out there. then that was meant to be


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: FreakQlibrium]
    #1808947 - 08/13/03 12:42 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

FreakQlibrium , thank you

my poetry was inspiration to even me
i never felt as though i actualy wrote any myself.
so when i read it , it was as though someone else had shared it with me.
some of the words in such complex beauty bring me to tears


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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InvisibleFreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada Flag
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Monkah]
    #1808949 - 08/13/03 12:43 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

You might consider reading some of the poetry you posted here Monkah, it might reconnect you with all that positive energy you radiated in it....could you please provide me a link where i can see it? Thanks :smile:


--------------------
"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"



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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: neutralizer]
    #1808979 - 08/13/03 12:52 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Is your poetry here on the shroomery?




yes, the only other place i have these are in my email address

i had a computer with so much writting on it
i used it mainly to just type out things
because i can type faster than i write it was easier

but that was stolen from me, along with everything else valuable, cept my car.
so i only have the ones on this page left

a Monk of Tha Ahhhh's poetry

that isnt all my writtings on this forum, but mainly the poetry.
i had a few other threads with stories and tales.


the sky is not the limit,
the mind beholding it so is
and the continuity of "I"
between thoughts of "sky"


i think that was always one of my favorites


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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Offlinefireworks_godS
Sexy.Butt.McDanger
Male

Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 24,849
Loc: Pandurn
Last seen: 15 days, 20 hours
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: FreakQlibrium]
    #1808981 - 08/13/03 12:52 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Like I said, it is all up to you...
Peace.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #1808990 - 08/13/03 12:55 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

I can totally understand and I am actually leaving too, I wish you peace!






maybe i will see you along the journey, and never know it
good luck to you, and i wish you only the same, peace.


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Autonomous]
    #1808997 - 08/13/03 12:56 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

I was brought to tears by the beauty





thank you, this place sounds like the place for me
i have never ventured out further than tennesse, further up than west virginia, or more south than florida, well i guess the bahammas count.


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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OfflineMonkah
abreactionsynchronicity
Registered: 08/26/01
Posts: 179
Loc: location? i exist somwher...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Autonomous]
    #1809053 - 08/13/03 01:16 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

is Yosemite in california as well?


--------------------
*NEW!* from Monkah Inc.The "Silence game" hold an exhilerating game between you and a friend,see who finds silence first! (warning:M. Inc. patented silence-in-its-self,failure to pay up will result in sending satan after you! err,we mean our laywer!)


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Offlinefireworks_godS
Sexy.Butt.McDanger
Male

Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 24,849
Loc: Pandurn
Last seen: 15 days, 20 hours
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Monkah]
    #1809067 - 08/13/03 01:21 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

Dude, I really think you will find something before you decide to let it happen.. To decide to give up this Experience offered here will be the worst decision you ever made, and the last one.
Peace.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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OfflineRhizoid
carbon unit
Male

Registered: 01/23/00
Posts: 1,718
Loc: Europe
Last seen: 1 hour, 58 minutes
Re: yes another, im leaving [Re: Monkah]
    #1809087 - 08/13/03 01:27 PM (13 years, 3 months ago)

I don't know either you or Rachel, but you should try to realize that there are several billion women on this planet and there is a whole bunch of them that could give you the love you need. You just have to find one of them, and then the two of you have to make it happen. Rachel is a part of your history now. The future is what you do next. Take care. :heart:
   


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