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altered statesman

Registered: 11/08/98
Posts: 2,261
Loc: non-local
Mother of a close friend passes..what does one say?
    #1804737 - 08/12/03 07:20 AM (14 years, 10 months ago)

My friend, Jack, lost his mother last week. We are old friends from high school. We lived two blocks from one another in a small southern town. I have not been in regular contact with him over the last five years or so, yet we know each other well, and I feel close to him and his mother after all this time. Jack and myself have had our run-ins, but there is a basic understanding there. I feel I owe him something and I want to make things better for him, I wish I could say something, but failing that I don't want to make things worse.

He was adopted and doesn' t have a father he has ever known. I saw him for the funeral, but will see him and spend more time with him this weekend when I go home for a visit.

I have never lost anyone close to me so this is uncharted territory for me. I don't want to say the wrong thing, yet I'd risk that in order to not ignore the elephant in the room if you know what I mean. I think that would be worse, but I may be wrong.

My instinct is to let him be the one to broach the subject, and then provide assurance when needed...dammit I just feel like anything I bring up related to her is like stabbing him with knives.. anyway, any advice how to handle this situation would be appreciated!

I AM what Willis was talkin' bout.

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World-BridgerKartikeya (DftS)
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Re: Mother of a close friend passes..what does one say? [Re: Jellric]
    #1804749 - 08/12/03 07:29 AM (14 years, 10 months ago)

Tell Jack he has friends that care for him, tell him to take things easy and to be strong. People in that situation feel bad when the loved one is remembered or mentioned, so try to do the talk based on good things, don't talk to much, just try to pass the message that life is worth to be living, even more if you have friends that care. The rest is up to him.


Spiritual being, living a human experience ... The Shroomery Mandala

Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.

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Error: divide byzero

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 04/27/01
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Re: Mother of a close friend passes..what does one say? [Re: MAIA]
    #1804817 - 08/12/03 08:43 AM (14 years, 10 months ago)

After a loved one dies there is a flurry of activity where you are too caught up to really feel what has happened. A week later everybody has left and you are left alone to finally deal with the issue. This is the hardest time (for me at least). Little things like going to help clean house or laundry or bring some food... that sort of thing is very helpful.

Just another spore in the wind.

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Minister to the Damned
Male Arcade Champion: Frogger

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,744
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Re: Mother of a close friend passes..what does one say? [Re: Seuss]
    #1805354 - 08/12/03 01:41 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

One of my friends father's died recently. He was suffereing from cancer. I was asked to attend the funeral. Everyone at the funeral was crying and the overall mood was very sad.

I felt akward, because all I could do for the guy was smile. I mean, he was in serious pain, and now he's not. I have faith he is in a better place. The only sadness I felt from the situation was the sadness of the mourners. I did my best to cheer them up.

I've always been partial to the notion that death should be a cause for celebration. A sure way to spot how much "faith" someone has is how scared they are of death. I know a lot of people who claim to have faith, but are absolutely petrified of death. They seem to have missed the point.

Deep in the heart of Central Texas
lurks a Doktor
SM tool
Native Dallas brick-chopper...

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Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 1,043
Loc: miami, florida
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Re: Mother of a close friend passes..what does one say? [Re: Jellric]
    #1806854 - 08/12/03 08:08 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

man, its relly weird that you ask this, because i was wondering the same thing about a friend of mine. I love her dearly, and somewhat recently, her mom passed away. Today, she buried her mom's ashes. She's like my best friend, but she doesn't bring up the subject. I don't think i should be the one to bring it up. But since the topic is gonna come up when we talk later, I'ma tell her that I'm here for her if she needs to talk, and that she knows I love her. But I can't bring it up myself, for fear of opening old wounds. I do want her to know she can talk about it with me, cause I don't think she talks much about it. I mean, she does, but in a detached sort of way, not how she actually feels about it.

I like the idea of just helping out in general, with cleaning, or food. Show your a friend. It matters a lot, no matter when.


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