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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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self loathing 1
#17950718 - 03/13/13 07:22 PM (11 years, 3 months ago) |
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I know I'm alone on this one, at least here, but I don't want to create an account elsewhere. But here I know I'm mostly alone because I know most here don't see things as I do. But I'm gonna lay this thread out there on a nasty personal problem I've had since I was young.
My first exposure to scrambled porn I was probably 8-9 or something. Since the internet hit the scene, I was masturbating to slow loading pics and eventually short clips. I know more porn star names than I have real friends anymore It disgusts me.
I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years having sex regularly, in terms of physical pleasure it was amazing, better than any drug. During that time I never looked at porn (had no need ) But, we broke up, and for over a year now I've been battling it. I avert my eyes from attractive women on the streets. I have to scroll quickly through parts of this very website because of sexy pictures. And with hardcore material only a click away, and being a 25 year old male with insane hormones and no where to release and a habit of releasing, it is very difficult not to.
I go from being clean and not looking at anything for 2 weeks, and then it's a dangerous point because I start reflecting on that accomplishment and get vulnerable. The devil in me thinks, come on, just a clothed but seductive picture, it won't hurt, then that leads to more, and more, until I'm browsing full on hardcore sites and jacking off like 2-3 times til my d!ck hurts.
I FUCKING HATE THIS. I hate my body. I hate fighting it. I hate that the more I try to fight it and win the harder the fight becomes. FUCKKK
The problem is, I believe it's immoral and a sin, and I feel shame and sadness after I masturbate. I feel the love of God drawn away from me and feel more quick to anger with others. It is such a disgusting cycle.
I don't expect much sympathy here as I'm very aware most people these days look at porn and think it's healthy/normal and whatever. Well I don't, feel free to flame me and make fun of me - I just don't have anyone to tell this to and the people I could tell I'm too ashamed to tell. This is my outlet 
 Leave your thoughts/comments/experiences.
Peace
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
Edited by JesusIsLord (03/13/13 07:24 PM)
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something super extreme
NIGGA YOU A FUCK NIGGA!


Registered: 10/29/12
Posts: 17,397
Loc: TURNT UP!
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But seriously, you're probably going to hell. Sex is for marriage.
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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it's only healthy because it's sex. it's a funny dichotomy. sex fucks everything up... yet... 
Quote:
sVs said:

But seriously, you're probably going to hell. Sex is for marriage.
but have a taco...
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luvdemboomers
loner with a boner
Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 5,054
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nvm you are
Edited by luvdemboomers (03/13/13 07:26 PM)
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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Quote:
luvdemboomers said: What's the big deal unless you are spending all day whacking it?
Because I am lusting after strange women. Unlocking that lust let's alot of other lust through - I can feel it.
After I lust like that, the next day I get set off with anger more over little stuff. I screw up at work, lots of things just suck. It feels like punishment.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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luvdemboomers
loner with a boner
Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 5,054
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Therapy?
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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think about it as having babies, instead of just sex... just imagine that babies head just... 
there, sex drive; eliminated.
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DarkElf
Don't let commies win!



Registered: 09/25/12
Posts: 2,506
Loc: Almost Canada.
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Well JIL. (Oops, your initials spell JIL. My bad...) JesusIsLord...
You have to turn to God and ask for help from this evil doing in your pants. (I'm sorry, I have to add some humor, it makes myself feel better.)
You aren't Gods child unless you sin. You need to live in Darkness, before you can live in the light, as John has taught us. And once you find the light, you are at one with Jesus, and God, and the Spirit. They will light your way.
You are Gods child, and he knows you will sin. It's his design. If you don't sin, you cannot find God, and you cannot repent. And God doesn't want that! He wants you to find him! That's how you enter the light! You aren't just born seeing!
On a scientific note... If your body finds something pleasurable it releases the Chemical "Dopamine." As this is released you feel happy, and once released, your mind/body developes an addiction to whatever it was that made you happy. Dopamine wants to release, it's its job! And all it wants to do, is continue the cycle of release! And... it wants you to do it better each time! Creating the urge, and addiction needed to keep receiving that level of dopamine release! INTERESTING!
God will forgive you my brother. Just ask him for help, and guidance, and don't be afraid of slipping up! God already knows everything you're going to do!
-------------------- To find yourself alone, is to find yourself with your greatest friend, and your worst enemy.
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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Quote:
luvdemboomers said: Therapy?
no, the sad thing is i basically want to just throw my computer in the fucking garbage but i end up using it for this, and looking stuff up, downloads, buying things, whatever.
but it's becoming tempting to just pawn the fucking thing. i am seriously fucking sick of porn/this problem.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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Re: self loathing [Re: DarkElf]
#17950802 - 03/13/13 07:37 PM (11 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
DarkElf said: Well JIL. (Oops, your initials spell JIL. My bad...) JesusIsLord...
You have to turn to God and ask for help from this evil doing in your pants. (I'm sorry, I have to add some humor, it makes myself feel better.)
You aren't Gods child unless you sin. You need to live in Darkness, before you can live in the light, as John has taught us. And once you find the light, you are at one with Jesus, and God, and the Spirit. They will light your way.
You are Gods child, and he knows you will sin. It's his design. If you don't sin, you cannot find God, and you cannot repent. And God doesn't want that! He wants you to find him! That's how you enter the light! You aren't just born seeing!
On a scientific note... If your body finds something pleasurable it releases the Chemical "Dopamine." As this is released you feel happy, and once released, your mind/body developes an addiction to whatever it was that made you happy. Dopamine wants to release, it's its job! And all it wants to do, is continue the cycle of release! And... it wants you to do it better each time! Creating the urge, and addiction needed to keep receiving that level of dopamine release! INTERESTING!
God will forgive you my brother. Just ask him for help, and guidance, and don't be afraid of slipping up! God already knows everything you're going to do!
I know He can forgive me through His son but I don't want to keep on sinning especially in licentious behavior.
I just don't want to be a backslider. I've felt so good and can feel how people feel better around me when I'm like that, when I'm free and obeying God - then when I lust and sin I just feel awful and my eye is full of darkness - it's this nasty addiction/cycle I need to break and be FREE. But I realize I am wicked by nature, but I want to be conscious and not sear my conscience - I want to obey and follow Jesus. I don't go to church or try to convert people or anything, this is just my personal belief that Jesus was the real Son of God - and that he loves us all and led as a great example to all. I just don't want to take that kind of offer of sincere brotherly love for granted. He saves!
I knew it created the dopamine drip though, that's why I think at about 2 weeks it's probably some slight withdrawals or something and I don't know I speculate my mind starts getting a bit more focused on it or something. Really though, I appreciate the encouragement man. I was not expecting any from anyone...
thanks guys.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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nice note on Dopamine. it's true. that is some whacky stuff.
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Almond Flour
...get off my lawn!


Registered: 12/26/08
Posts: 11,342
Last seen: 2 months, 10 days
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Find another girl?
-------------------- Hippies and Liberals love Pope Francis, so why dont I quote him for you guys. "There is NO SALVATION outside the Catholic Church"
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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Quote:
akira_akuma said: think about it as having babies, instead of just sex... just imagine that babies head just... 
there, sex drive; eliminated.
yeahh that'd work to a point for me, I just don't have enough fear in me yet. I need that fear. I used to be so much more brazen and I still have some of that in me - doing drugs in sketchy places, stealing, lying, all that. Every foolish thing I could do, I did. I just don't want to be like that, I want sincere reasons to be better.
And I'm not trying to be insanely idealistic, I know we're all human, we make mistakes, I accept that, but there are things I can do that are in my control, and this is an obvious pattern/habit/addiction I NEED to address. Willpower hasn't been enough for now, I need to create physical barriers.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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what, and risk all that pain and suffering again? NO WAY, DON'T DO IT, MAN.
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DarkElf
Don't let commies win!



Registered: 09/25/12
Posts: 2,506
Loc: Almost Canada.
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My friend tried to quit porn (Not for religious reasons.) He put a porn block on his PC, and couldn't access and images/video's containing pornographic material. You could try that?
-------------------- To find yourself alone, is to find yourself with your greatest friend, and your worst enemy.
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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Quote:
JesusIsLord said:
Quote:
akira_akuma said: think about it as having babies, instead of just sex... just imagine that babies head just... 
there, sex drive; eliminated.
yeahh that'd work to a point for me, I just don't have enough fear in me yet. I need that fear. I used to be so much more brazen and I still have some of that in me - doing drugs in sketchy places, stealing, lying, all that. Every foolish thing I could do, I did. I just don't want to be like that, I want sincere reasons to be better.
And I'm not trying to be insanely idealistic, I know we're all human, we make mistakes, I accept that, but there are things I can do that are in my control, and this is an obvious pattern/habit/addiction I NEED to address. Willpower hasn't been enough for now, I need to create physical barriers.
find a reason to have a girlfriend who isn't a fuckbag. 
or find something else? like painting? do anything to distract yourself from your debilitating sex problem. 
or you know, just whack off every two days, and be strong and virile.
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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Quote:
Almond Flour said: Find another girl?
Can't do it, won't do it.
The sad thing is the quagmire I've mentally cornered myself into involves the fact that I am pretty dead set against marriage because of the government's involvement in the institution and my lack of interest in dating or anything... That and I'm convinced the of the culture has been feminized - men emasculated, women made masculine, lying cheating and divorce are rampant. It is not a situation I take lightly. And I won't consider sex without being married at this point.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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Dawks
Jolly African Potato


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 4,935
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The longer you go without sex/masturbation the more your body rewires itself to crave these things. A well-sexed/well-fapped person can look straight at porn and feel no compulsion to fap because their body is in a state of healthy equilibrium.
I'd personally suggest a regular regime of beating off once every second day and having casual sex as often as you can.
However considering you seem to have a moral issue with masturbating than you could always find yourself another partner or find yourself a regular prostitute to take care of this need.
Remember regular sex is as important as regular exercise, you should find a way to get it, regardless of your philosophy.
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date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
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Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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Re: self loathing [Re: Dawks]
#17950840 - 03/13/13 07:46 PM (11 years, 3 months ago) |
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lol, not when you're a tried and true believer.
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 8,061
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
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Re: self loathing [Re: DarkElf]
#17950842 - 03/13/13 07:47 PM (11 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
DarkElf said: My friend tried to quit porn (Not for religious reasons.) He put a porn block on his PC, and couldn't access and images/video's containing pornographic material. You could try that?
hmmm, decent idea. i mean minus the reasons in the faith i could see where he's at as well, i always felt before I believed that porn just drained me, made me feel lazy and stagnant when I should've chased girls, all that jazz.
I'll look for some programs. The problem is if I install it I'll know how to get around it/crack it. I have to create solid walls around myself because that rebellious jerk in me is ambitious and will claw his way out of a tomb at the bottom of the ocean if it means getting off.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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