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Kickle
Wanderer


Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,851
Last seen: 47 minutes, 47 seconds
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: topdog82]
#17774025 - 02/09/13 06:03 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Well it's monogamous so as long as we're together we're exclusive. It only makes sense to me from a disease standpoint as well as an emotional one. As far as finances, she has her own bank account and I have mine. I have considerably more money than her. Yet we split rent, utilities, food. I usually pay if we indulge in something extra like dinner out. But that doesn't happen more than once a month. I work mornings, she works mid-days, and we cook dinner together at night. We each have our preferred hobbies but they don't conflict because we're both introverted and don't mind keeping to ourselves.
She grew up on farmland and is competent, thrifty, and enjoys "roughing it". When we vacation we aren't looking to stay in hotels or hit the city, we're camping out and hiking. Her family is great and the first time I met her father he gave me a big ole hug. Every time I see him he still does that. My parents adore her. So inter-family relations are smooth.
Emotionally we both feel that the most important quality to reinforce in one another is a strong heart. To have compassion for others. And this enters right into our interactions with one another. We've spent a fair amount of time cultivating compassion in a wise way. I've posted before the story of my over-indulgence in this regard early in our relationship. She was depressed and I was a fledgling psychology student who couldn't separate out another individuals suffering from himself. I wanted to change the emotions. After years of working together and having good communication we've cultivated some wisdom to go with the compassion. Now when either of us becomes depressed we don't have to worry about those emotions becoming a burden. They have the space and support necessary to be and express themselves. We've both become pretty adept at giving the right nudges to help one another stay upright and balanced.
I sometimes think of our relationship as one of practice. Because we're not convinced we've got this figured forever, we are always trying to figure out what is working or not. In this way we've butted heads a few times. For example early in our relationship I told her that I wanted nothing to do with birthing a kid or marriage. She was mixed on kids and wanted marriage. I told her simply that she could find someone to marry if she wanted but it wouldn't be me. Same with having kids. I explained in more depth my feelings on each and she considered them. In the end I think that mutual benefit is what held us together. It's hard for someone as smart as her to willingly break away from something that's working well in the hopes of something working better in the future. And so we're still together and she has expressed a shift in her opinions about marriage as well as kids over time. I think seeing her friends grow up, get pregnant, get married, and fall into all sorts of unnecessary burdens/debts/hardship as a result has made her a believer in our financial freedom and the importance of flexibility in the relationship.
Right now we're in a very good place it seems.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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topdog82
Death Spirit


Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 5 months, 1 day
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Kickle]
#17774090 - 02/09/13 06:20 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kickle said: Well it's monogamous so as long as we're together we're exclusive. It only makes sense to me from a disease standpoint as well as an emotional one. As far as finances, she has her own bank account and I have mine. I have considerably more money than her. Yet we split rent, utilities, food. I usually pay if we indulge in something extra like dinner out. But that doesn't happen more than once a month. I work mornings, she works mid-days, and we cook dinner together at night. We each have our preferred hobbies but they don't conflict because we're both introverted and don't mind keeping to ourselves.
She grew up on farmland and is competent, thrifty, and enjoys "roughing it". When we vacation we aren't looking to stay in hotels or hit the city, we're camping out and hiking. Her family is great and the first time I met her father he gave me a big ole hug. Every time I see him he still does that. My parents adore her. So inter-family relations are smooth.
Emotionally we both feel that the most important quality to reinforce in one another is a strong heart. To have compassion for others. And this enters right into our interactions with one another. We've spent a fair amount of time cultivating compassion in a wise way. I've posted before the story of my over-indulgence in this regard early in our relationship. She was depressed and I was a fledgling psychology student who couldn't separate out another individuals suffering from himself. I wanted to change the emotions. After years of working together and having good communication we've cultivated some wisdom to go with the compassion. Now when either of us becomes depressed we don't have to worry about those emotions becoming a burden. They have the space and support necessary to be and express themselves. We've both become pretty adept at giving the right nudges to help one another stay upright and balanced.
I sometimes think of our relationship as one of practice. Because we're not convinced we've got this figured forever, we are always trying to figure out what is working or not. In this way we've butted heads a few times. For example early in our relationship I told her that I wanted nothing to do with birthing a kid or marriage. She was mixed on kids and wanted marriage. I told her simply that she could find someone to marry if she wanted but it wouldn't be me. Same with having kids. I explained in more depth my feelings on each and she considered them. In the end I think that mutual benefit is what held us together. It's hard for someone as smart as her to willingly break away from something that's working well in the hopes of something working better in the future. And so we're still together and she has expressed a shift in her opinions about marriage as well as kids over time. I think seeing her friends grow up, get pregnant, get married, and fall into all sorts of unnecessary burdens/debts/hardship as a result has made her a believer in our financial freedom and the importance of flexibility in the relationship.
Right now we're in a very good place it seems.
Seems like exactly what I would want except the disagreement on marraige
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Kickle
Wanderer


Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,851
Last seen: 47 minutes, 47 seconds
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: topdog82]
#17774130 - 02/09/13 06:26 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Disagreement is bound to happen and likely repeatedly. Sometimes it will be over important matters. And sometimes it may just split the whole thing apart. My personal approach is to be as up front and honest with those facets as quick as they come to light. Not pussy footing around hoping the other person will change. They might change but it's better for both to be perfectly honest about their feelings and move forward from there IMO.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Kickle]
#17774211 - 02/09/13 06:46 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kickle said: Well it's monogamous so as long as we're together we're exclusive. It only makes sense to me from a disease standpoint as well as an emotional one. As far as finances, she has her own bank account and I have mine. I have considerably more money than her. Yet we split rent, utilities, food. I usually pay if we indulge in something extra like dinner out. But that doesn't happen more than once a month. I work mornings, she works mid-days, and we cook dinner together at night. We each have our preferred hobbies but they don't conflict because we're both introverted and don't mind keeping to ourselves.
She grew up on farmland and is competent, thrifty, and enjoys "roughing it". When we vacation we aren't looking to stay in hotels or hit the city, we're camping out and hiking. Her family is great and the first time I met her father he gave me a big ole hug. Every time I see him he still does that. My parents adore her. So inter-family relations are smooth.
Emotionally we both feel that the most important quality to reinforce in one another is a strong heart. To have compassion for others. And this enters right into our interactions with one another. We've spent a fair amount of time cultivating compassion in a wise way. I've posted before the story of my over-indulgence in this regard early in our relationship. She was depressed and I was a fledgling psychology student who couldn't separate out another individuals suffering from himself. I wanted to change the emotions. After years of working together and having good communication we've cultivated some wisdom to go with the compassion. Now when either of us becomes depressed we don't have to worry about those emotions becoming a burden. They have the space and support necessary to be and express themselves. We've both become pretty adept at giving the right nudges to help one another stay upright and balanced.
I sometimes think of our relationship as one of practice. Because we're not convinced we've got this figured forever, we are always trying to figure out what is working or not. In this way we've butted heads a few times. For example early in our relationship I told her that I wanted nothing to do with birthing a kid or marriage. She was mixed on kids and wanted marriage. I told her simply that she could find someone to marry if she wanted but it wouldn't be me. Same with having kids. I explained in more depth my feelings on each and she considered them. In the end I think that mutual benefit is what held us together. It's hard for someone as smart as her to willingly break away from something that's working well in the hopes of something working better in the future. And so we're still together and she has expressed a shift in her opinions about marriage as well as kids over time. I think seeing her friends grow up, get pregnant, get married, and fall into all sorts of unnecessary burdens/debts/hardship as a result has made her a believer in our financial freedom and the importance of flexibility in the relationship.
Right now we're in a very good place it seems.
How wonderful and rare. Whatever you two are doing keep it up. I wish you both the best.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Kickle
Wanderer


Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,851
Last seen: 47 minutes, 47 seconds
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Icelander]
#17774239 - 02/09/13 06:54 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thanks a lot Iceman
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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topdog82
Death Spirit


Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 5 months, 1 day
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Kickle]
#17774280 - 02/09/13 07:03 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kickle said: Disagreement is bound to happen and likely repeatedly. Sometimes it will be over important matters. And sometimes it may just split the whole thing apart. My personal approach is to be as up front and honest with those facets as quick as they come to light. Not pussy footing around hoping the other person will change. They might change but it's better for both to be perfectly honest about their feelings and move forward from there IMO.
that's deep
trying to change for the other induvidual constantly is a pain in the ass
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Kickle
Wanderer


Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,851
Last seen: 47 minutes, 47 seconds
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: topdog82]
#17774313 - 02/09/13 07:07 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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if you can get it without having to learn it the hard way you're miles ahead of the curve brother
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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topdog82
Death Spirit


Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 5 months, 1 day
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Kickle]
#17774593 - 02/09/13 08:15 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kickle said: if you can get it without having to learn it the hard way you're miles ahead of the curve brother
to clarify, if I can understand the concept that I should change for another person, I am ahead of the curve?
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Kickle]
#17775774 - 02/10/13 02:09 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Buster_Brown said: I don't believe the physical pleasure fades. May/December marriages prove that.
Quote:
Kickle said: huh?
You're unaware of the terminology of a May-December wedding?
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: topdog82]
#17775786 - 02/10/13 02:16 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
topdog82 said: to clarify, if I can understand the concept that I should change for another person, I am ahead of the curve?
Considering that my priorities have changed significantly between the stages of puberty, mid-life etc, I have enough trouble envisioning my future goals let alone changing myself to meet them.
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MoonGoom
The Psycho in Psychonaut



Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 6
Loc: Earth, Milky Way Galaxy
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: topdog82]
#17775836 - 02/10/13 02:43 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Steady pussy my friend.
--------------------
Get Born,Live ,Die
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: MoonGoom]
#17775867 - 02/10/13 02:56 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Home cooking.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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Quote:
sVs said: There is no inherent reason for marriage. Do it if you want it, or don't. Emphasis on "if you want it"; no one else could tell you why you need to get married or what's a good reason.
Domestic cleaning demands it.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: MoonGoom] 1
#17776069 - 02/10/13 05:34 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
MoonGoom said: Steady pussy my friend.
That's an illusion from what I've seen. Unless you call once every two weeks steady.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Quote:
Buster_Brown said: Home cooking.
I'm single and have that every day.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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liquidlounge

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 9,256
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: Icelander]
#17776111 - 02/10/13 06:04 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Living with a woman more than once or twice per week, man i dont know...
-------------------- As far as I assume to know...
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teknix
πβπ
’ππ
π°π‘ πΌπ⨻



Registered: 09/16/08
Posts: 11,953
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It's a silly tradition imo, both parties could mutually agree to be together and only together. The vow is still only as good as someones word is anyways.
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liquidlounge

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 9,256
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Re: Why even get married? [Re: teknix]
#17776144 - 02/10/13 06:33 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Caring for each other does not reflect when one gets married IMO. Quite the opposite maybe? Control or caring...
-------------------- As far as I assume to know...
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teknix
πβπ
’ππ
π°π‘ πΌπ⨻



Registered: 09/16/08
Posts: 11,953
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Yeah, let's own eachother, one gains a husband and one gains a wife or husband and husband, wife and wife. The underlying motivation is probably ultimately selfish.
Marriage makes room for more lawyers and the church in society for one thing. So you swear an oath and they try to hold hell as a punishment for going against your oath? I doubt it makes much of a difference in practice considering the divorces.
What about the whole thing of killing someone in texas if you catch them screwing your wife? It seems like you could potentially set people up to get murdered legally.
People are so bass ackwards.
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Quote:
liquidlounge said: Caring for each other does not reflect when one gets married IMO. Quite the opposite maybe? Control or caring...
A caring wife would control your music IMO. She shouldn't have to stand Pat.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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