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InvisibleJared
Stranger
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Registered: 04/23/01
Posts: 8,783
Direction.
    #1760527 - 07/29/03 08:09 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Ok, here's a basic run down of my life.

I was born, lived a relatively happy childhood. My dad wasn't all that great, but he wasn't terrible either. All in all I enjoyed it. I did very well in school, was reading at a grade 10 level by grade 4, taking grade 5 mathematics by grade 3, and was in every advanced course available. Had lots of good friends, and enjoyed everything.

High school was pretty much the same picture, but with the introduction of marijuana around grade 9, I lost some interest and motivation which I had vested originally in school. It acted as a distraction, and my grades dropped.. I still had no trouble staying in the advanced courses, but my focus was defiantly shifting.

Around Grade 10, there was tons of shit going on at home, my dad was becoming psychotic, and making day to day life unbearable. I started slipping badly in school, my attendance was terrible, and even when I was in school.. it was just a physical presence.. my mind drifting all over. Everything went badly. I had a meltdown midyear, and missed two months of school, due to "anxiety and stress" I was prescribed paxil, and biweekly psychiatry sessions.. The psychiatrist was transparent, the intent of each question plain as day, and I soon stopped going. The paxil had caused some serious problems for me health-wise, I lost nearly 15 pounds (when you barely weigh 100lbs, this is a lot.) and got hardly any sleep, I was always sick and shaky. Once I stopped the paxil, I started to get better almost immediately. This was when I vowed never to take a doctor's word as absolute truth again.

About 3/4ths of the way through grade 10, I dosed mushrooms after giving into tons of pressure from friends, and researching em online some. I had the most intense bad trip I have to this day experienced, everything was plain as day.. all along in front of my face, every little facet of life shimmering in perfect precise clarity. I realized everything I needed to eliminate in my life in order to turn it in a good direction, and from then on I was never stressed out or anxious about things.. I just lived, breathed and took it as it came. Whatever happened, the sun would rise the next morning, the birds would chirp, and the world would turn.

Grade 11 started after a summer of tripping, living and loving life. I was in all advanced courses again, and everything was going smoothly. I had a new job designing web pages, which paid very well. Nothing could stop me... Problems at home, again started to stress me.. coupled with my slightly psychedelic view of things I just stopped going to school. I said "Fuck it, there?s no point, there?s no point in anything" I started working more and more, fucking around more and more. I started growing apart from my friends, not seeing them days at a time, I would go to school 1 or 2 days a week.. just enough to keep myself from failing. Mild insomnia which I had had my whole life grew and exploded, I would not sleep for days at a time.. until I finally passed out from exhaustion. I would go to school having not slept in days, as high as a kite from lack of sleep, and twice as delusional as Alice in wonderland. I started growing an addiction to the internet, which to this day I have not shaken. I faltered terribly in school, trading genuine effort for lack lustre attempts at sliding by. By term 2, I had a absence rate of over 70%, and my marks were horrible, the vast majority below the passing point. I was dropped out of advanced math. My teachers became concerned and held an intervention of sorts. While it did little to change my attendance at school, it gave me a little kick in the ass to see "wow, I'm going to fail my senior year.." I started doing the assignments, and tests at lunch time, so as to keep my marks within an acceptable range. I did very well on my final examinations, and was able to graduate with an average of 76%, and an absence rate of over 50%. Not honour roll material, but enough.

During the last term of my schooling, I had started planning a trip with a very good friend, we were to leave in September for Paris, and spend 6 months traveling Europe. My work bought me a laptop, and a wireless internet connection so I could work while traveling, and I bought everything I needed to go. Then.. the trip got pushed back.. again.. again.. again.. again.. over and over, vaccinations effects starting to wear, so much time had passed. Finally, it was apparent that my friend wasn't going, and I wasn't either. This year of working at an easy well paying job fucked with me, and to this day has warped my once strong work ethic.(thought it is definatley closing in on what it used to be) A year wasted, and the trip down the drain.. I did the only thing I could think of. I assembled a portfolio, went to the guidance counsellor and applied to some cegeps. I got accepted to a 3 year graphic design course at Dawson college, in Montreal. When I wrote my french/english placement tests I wrote them as if I was retarded. "I are tha bestest englash studant on erf!" was the opening line of my english essay, and my french one was not far off. I had intended on getting placed in the lowest courses, so I could focus on the actual graphics part of the course and not worry about other fluff.. however, in extreme cases students are placed into remedial afterschool classes, 1.5 hours each. Had I wanted to attend the school, I would have had to attend full classes all day, and then an additional 3 hours of classes every night. I knew I wouldn't be able to do this, as I would have to work part time as well to support myself.. So, I just stayed here.. unsure of what to do, stagnating.

Fast foreward, to 8 months ago. I had lost my job doing graphics, when the company folded and was unable to find another job, anywhere. I tried everywhere. I tried everything, my life was a total collapse, I had lost all my motivation to live, to breath, to do anything. Finally, after so much time in the dark, I found work, a manual labour job. I've been working there ever since, and my life has done a real 180, everything is going great, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, I have absolutely no insomnia, I feel like im ready to take on the world again, and I've got school on the mind. I've checked out several schools, and have not defiantly decided on one yet, however, I know for fact that I am leaving for January classes no matter what, either to Montreal, or Toronto.. depending on savings vs. expenses.

More recently, though; I've been having different issues within myself. Not of the succeeding in life type, but questioning whether or not its right to do so... I'm seeing more and more every day that anyone who lives in our country, and enjoys a comfortable life financially is somehow short-changing someone else, somehow. It all has to come from somewhere, and the bottom line is the poor worker, often in an extremely impoverished nation. I find myself drowned in thoughts of labourers being drained and exploited, to the gains of the wealthy. I have trouble seeing myself living as part of a system like this, be it on either end of the stick. On the other hand, I can see the system with the eye of a nietzchean, and it looks fine. I know I can climb the ladder to a comfortable spot, and live my life on top of others thinking im there because I express superior qualities to them. This venue is attractive, as I can see more and more people assuming this path... and if this is the popular path, any other will have trouble doing anything but fail... but then the feelings of propagating the current social structure tug at my heart, and beg me not to...

I'm still going to school, I think I'm still aiming for that good job. I figure its easier to slide down if you realise you're wrong than to try to shimmy up, should that realisation be inverse...

I just want a little direction, or thoughts.. or something.. I dunno, really. I just had to write. This post has turned into a fucking huge monster, one I hadn?t intended on writing. I sure hope none of you read all of this, if you did.. you.. I.. wasted your time; sorry.

Jist: My life was good, fell apart, im working on puting it back together, and am having issues with whether doing so is right or not... even though I intend on continuing its reconstruction, no matter what.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Direction. [Re: Jared]
    #1760707 - 07/29/03 09:12 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Do whatever it takes. Dont knowingly wrong people.

Dont lie. Dont cheat. Dont steal.

Try.

Thats all.


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InvisibleAdden
Saprotrophic Specimen
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 34,150
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Re: Direction. [Re: Jared]
    #1761164 - 07/29/03 11:26 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I read all of this, and no, you didn't waste my time. It wouldn't be SGC if we skimmed peoples' posts or bitched about getting our thoughts out.

You seem to be a very together person. It is better writing from where you are now, than writing and saying "My life has fallen apart, and I have no intention of doing anything about it."

Take everything in stride, man. We learn from our mistakes. My life, too, has taken a recent 180 degree turn. We all screw up, and we're all indecisive at times, but you have got to listen to what you think is best for you.

You're an intelligent person. You know this. You're better off than most people who have become successful, because you made your mistakes early while they were fixable. Some people aren't so lucky. Just keep up what you're doing man.. finish school.. get a good job. You're more than capable. If you weren't, you wouldn't have made it this far.


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InvisibletrendalM
point of inflection
Male User Gallery

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 19,380
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Re: Direction. [Re: Jared]
    #1761188 - 07/29/03 11:30 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I hear ya man. My life has been remarkably similar  :smirk:

Just don't step on anyone...it's not worth the risk.

I would rather live a hard good life than an easy bad one  :wink:


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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OfflineStrumpling
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Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
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Re: Direction. [Re: Jared]
    #1761717 - 07/30/03 03:21 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

See why they told you not to do drugs? It helps many of us see through the balloons to the scum all over the walls..

I'm in the same boat as you, man - I'm so pissed that we're all automatically funneled into the corporate mess "by default," not really being shown or finding many alternative lifestyles that would really be practical and compatible with the current scheme of things. When the world is centered around influence and money, and when influence and money feed eachother, greed is bound to blindly reign supreme.

Unfortunately modern leaders don't seem to be slowing the momentum of this power-hungry funding-frenzy - I think talking about this kind of disgust with the dream we're still caught in; talking about this stuff with everybody, is a great way to at least realize you're not alone in your disappointment with your "elders" and "peers;" hey, even with yourself!

It is also, however, a good way to see how "zoned-in" many people are to this fuzzy "artificial happiness."

I guess don't really have anything for you other than that rant and a bit of understanding; no good advice; no good ways of "beating the system" heh

I will tell you, though, that even though I think this is a disgraceful situation we have been born out of, and don't want to support this "matrix" we find ourselves in, I am going to finish school to "keep my options open."


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


Edited by Strumpling (07/30/03 03:23 AM)


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OfflineRedNucleus
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Registered: 02/27/01
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Re: Direction. [Re: Jared]
    #1761747 - 07/30/03 03:43 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

What you need to do, is use your talents to become successful, and give back to the community. It is clear that you can do more for everyone else by being successful and helping than you can by relinquishing that oppurtunity.

I don't want you to be embarrased to become successful. You were born with power, which many many others do not have. If you give up the chances you have to develop and make use of yourself, other people will not step up in your place. It is you who is the smart one.

You can turn success into a wonderful thing. Yeah, I don't know how best to do this either. But we will learn. Don't worry. See ya later.


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InvisiblePhencyclidine
Molecule

Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 2,915
Re: Direction. [Re: RedNucleus]
    #1761784 - 07/30/03 04:06 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

You can put your life together and be very successful and make a positive impact. Be an environmental consultant. Become a psychiatrist. There are plenty of financially secure careers where you can do something that you would feel is positive. You're the one who has to identify what that career is though.


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Offlineneutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Direction. [Re: Phencyclidine]
    #1762328 - 07/30/03 11:52 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I don't think that I could put it better than how others here have put it. So I'll just add, that I agree with you about us being born into a horrible, broken system that exploits people and creates insanely wealthy people who think they have "power." As long as you realize this, you're a step (several steps) ahead of the people who think that their money equates to power. Even if you don't become a great activist for equal rights or 'down with the system,' as long as you don't forget that we live in a broken system, and as long as you strive to love others and yourself (all that peace love hippie stuff) then you will be okay. Hope this helped.


--------------------
There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison


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OfflineMeph
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 1,568
Loc: Qu?bec
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: Direction. [Re: Jared]
    #1762334 - 07/30/03 11:58 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

You raise an interesting question:

Quote:


More recently, though; I've been having different issues within myself. Not of the succeeding in life type, but questioning whether or not its right to do so... I'm seeing more and more every day that anyone who lives in our country, and enjoys a comfortable life financially is somehow short-changing someone else, somehow. It all has to come from somewhere, and the bottom line is the poor worker, often in an extremely impoverished nation. I find myself drowned in thoughts of labourers being drained and exploited, to the gains of the wealthy. I have trouble seeing myself living as part of a system like this, be it on either end of the stick. On the other hand, I can see the system with the eye of a nietzchean, and it looks fine. I know I can climb the ladder to a comfortable spot, and live my life on top of others thinking im there because I express superior qualities to them. This venue is attractive, as I can see more and more people assuming this path... and if this is the popular path, any other will have trouble doing anything but fail... but then the feelings of propagating the current social structure tug at my heart, and beg me not to...





Now let me ask you something: what other choice do you have but to fit in? To become totally independent of such a system means to isolate yourself as much as possible. It means growing your own food, surviving on your own, and avoiding consuming any kind of product that is the fruit of social labour, in fear of short-changing someone, somewhere.

I don't think most people ever end up asking themselves if they want to take part in this social structure or not, because the question seems almost absurd. It's not like anybody has much of a choice, including you or the overexploited workers in India. You were lucky to be born in a developed country, where you are encouraged to succeed socially. The doors are open in front of you. You have opportunities, and a choice to make. But that choice isn't "Should I fit in or not?". It's "Where should I fit in?".

You don't necessarily need the American dream. You don't need a big house, a big car, and the big life. Nobody can tell you what you need, so it's your job to try and find the spot on the ladder that fits you the most.

And by the way, you are going to short-change people, just like people will short-change you back. It's not fun, but there's no going around it really. Everyone's on the run for the top of the ladder. Survival of the fittest...


--------------------
I'm a bipedal carbon-based pseudo-random number generator.

Demonstration: 152.



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Offlineneutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Direction. [Re: Meph]
    #1762356 - 07/30/03 12:10 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Meph said:
Everyone's on the run for the top of the ladder. Survival of the fittest...




I disagree. Not everyone is on the run for the top, and I'd think that people who feel the way he does and probably a lot of us on here do, couldn't care less about making it to the top. I sure don't, I don't want to end up a rich greedy bourbon-drinking white man who's earned his fortune from exploiting others. There are other paths in life. Pick a job or jobs that you enjoy and get fulfillment out of. Then be true to yourself and love yourself and others. Maybe it's a gross oversimplification, but at least to me - to whom being at the "top" does not matter at all - it doesn't take much more than this to be happy.


--------------------
There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison


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OfflineMeph
Synesthesiac

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 1,568
Loc: Qu?bec
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: Direction. [Re: neutralizer]
    #1762380 - 07/30/03 12:24 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

neutralizer said:
Quote:

Meph said:
Everyone's on the run for the top of the ladder. Survival of the fittest... 




I disagree.  Not everyone is on the run for the top, and I'd think that people who feel the way he does and probably a lot of us on here do, couldn't care less about making it to the top.  I sure don't, I don't want to end up a rich greedy bourbon-drinking white man who's earned his fortune from exploiting others.  There are other paths in life.  Pick a job or jobs that you enjoy and get fulfillment out of.  Then be true to yourself and love yourself and others.  Maybe it's a gross oversimplification, but at least to me - to whom being at the "top" does not matter at all - it doesn't take much more than this to be happy. 




I think you misunderstood what I said, but I did indeed not express my point very well in that last paragraph.

I was trying to justify the "short-changing", in a way. It's normal (not acceptable, normal) that people put themselves in front, to the misery of those who are socially inferior to them. Nature functions that way. People are greedy and will step on your toes for a few dollars.

I wasn't saying that our friend Jared should be running for president!  :lol: 


--------------------
I'm a bipedal carbon-based pseudo-random number generator.

Demonstration: 152.



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OfflineGrav
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Registered: 02/06/02
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Re: Direction. [Re: Meph]
    #1762396 - 07/30/03 12:31 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I hear you Jared

those feelings of "selling out" on yourself by aiming for a success in this society. i totally hear that. but I think if you look at the bigger picture, it doesn't matter where you are going or how much money you are making, but how hard you are trying, and how aware you are being.


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Offlinedaba
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Re: Direction. [Re: Grav]
    #1762591 - 07/30/03 02:03 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

And I run... I run so far away......


--------------------
Fold for The Shroomery!


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Offlineneutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Direction. [Re: Meph]
    #1762812 - 07/30/03 03:07 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Meph said:
Quote:

neutralizer said:
Quote:

Meph said:
Everyone's on the run for the top of the ladder. Survival of the fittest... 




I disagree.  Not everyone is on the run for the top, and I'd think that people who feel the way he does and probably a lot of us on here do, couldn't care less about making it to the top.  I sure don't, I don't want to end up a rich greedy bourbon-drinking white man who's earned his fortune from exploiting others.  There are other paths in life.  Pick a job or jobs that you enjoy and get fulfillment out of.  Then be true to yourself and love yourself and others.  Maybe it's a gross oversimplification, but at least to me - to whom being at the "top" does not matter at all - it doesn't take much more than this to be happy. 




I think you misunderstood what I said, but I did indeed not express my point very well in that last paragraph.

I was trying to justify the "short-changing", in a way. It's normal (not acceptable, normal) that people put themselves in front, to the misery of those who are socially inferior to them. Nature functions that way. People are greedy and will step on your toes for a few dollars.

I wasn't saying that our friend Jared should be running for president!  :lol:   




Ah...in that case, I agree that it is virtually impossible to live in this society without somewhere, somehow, exploiting somebody.  Also, I think that with an attitude of gratefulness to those people/animals/plants/whatever, you can kind of keep yourself balanced, and not lose sight of the situation. 


--------------------
There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison


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OfflineMeph
Synesthesiac

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 1,568
Loc: Qu?bec
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: Direction. [Re: neutralizer]
    #1762823 - 07/30/03 03:10 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I think the balance is there naturally. While you might unwillingly take advantage of others, others also unwillingly take advantage of you...


--------------------
I'm a bipedal carbon-based pseudo-random number generator.

Demonstration: 152.



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Offlineneutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Direction. [Re: Meph]
    #1762844 - 07/30/03 03:17 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Meph said:
I think the balance is there naturally. While you might unwillingly take advantage of others, others also unwillingly take advantage of you...




I meant a balance in his mind, between him taking advantage of the exploitation of others and his feelings that doing so is bad. I think that if you keep in mind the things these people do to survive [being exploited] that, while it may be an unpleasant thing to think about, at least you won't have the attitude that the rich white older heads of corporations do [ooh looky! more kids to work in our sweatshop!].


--------------------
There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison


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OfflineGrav
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Re: Direction. [Re: neutralizer]
    #1763760 - 07/30/03 08:26 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Just by questioning this shit,  I think you're already miles away from the greedy who live and die by the dollar.  You think those fatcats ever sit down and evaluate who they are as human beings and how their actions may affect humanity in general?  hah.   

well i can't say for sure if they do or not because I don't know them, but I'm willing to bet they're so desperately caught up in their power games that they can afford very little time to be human.

So I wouldn't worry about it TOO much :wink:  you know what is right...  you know you won't exploit other people if you can help it.  hell just by living in this society you are probably contributing to a certain stranglehold that power-mongers hold over humanity.  Can you help this? Fuck no, you have to survive just like everyone else.

I figure its easier to slide down if you realise you're wrong than to try to shimmy up, should that realisation be inverse

very good idea.  theres nothing wrong with keeping your options open.  that's what i'm doing as well. 

also something worth noting i think:  i have found that i may be using this guilt thing as an excuse to not really devote myself to something.  maybe it's just a defense mechanism for being lazy heheh.  anyways i dont want to keep wrestling with the idea every day.. "maybe i should...........,  no it's just a fuckin waste of time and doesn't help anyone... "  etc.     
I would rather really try to climb higher up the mountain and get a better view of whats goin on instead of preaching to myself down at the bottom my whole life.

state of the world and humanity aside:  i think we should be striving to apply ourselves in any given situation.


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OfflineGrav
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Re: Direction. [Re: Grav]
    #1763800 - 07/30/03 08:39 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

hrmm it seems like im trying too hard to explain things, so ill simplify

i am just plain sick and tired of not doing anything with my life anymore.
i dont think exploitation of others even enters into it at all... And neither does $money$ for that matter. I'm not in any fuckin race trying to beat other people.. I'm just fed up with trying to look away at the opportunities in life that are just throwing themselves at me, based on some old rusty illogical ideology that it's all a waste of time somehow.

what kind of example would i be setting if i didn't explore what there is to see in my own life?


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