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Ever have moments where you feel so dullminded you want to die.. Instances where you feel like all your thoughts are progressing through mollasses, many of them drowning into the depths of this goo.. never to be seen again.. some never breaking its surface, never even seeing the posibility of breaking through, much less being translated from an idea into language.. so as to transfer it into someone elses head?
Even here, I want to explain the thoughts I'm having.. I want to show you what it is that I'm thinking, but I can't bring them into text. I can't depict myself well enough, the words trudge out of my brain slowly.. and then i notice im writing, the other part of my head. The one that knows whats up, that sees whats happening and says "hey, how about that". The head that just does without thinking is the one i dont have to worry about. He just lives, hes a good guy.. he does good things, he thinks up good stuff.. if he could just live on his own, everything would be great.. but then he has this other head. This head that isn't really in place.. that wasn't there before, but grew slowly.. maybe you could look at him as damage, since all he does is cause trouble for the good head. He messes with his view, he shows him how his entire existence is bunk, and how in the blink of an eye.. its all over anyways. Hes the one that makes the good head shuffle and shift his gaze over and over when waiting in line at a store.. that makes the good head feel like although he is in place physically.. he is out of place mentally.. on another level, that he sees things that most of the other heads don't... all because the bad head shows them to him.. and tells him about them.
Things were happier before the bad head arrived, the good head was focused and direct, smart and full of sharp intellect. He knew that he could do anything he wanted, all he had to do was go do it. The bad head brings the good head down, he clouds him with social poison, and jams tar into his gears. He is the sole reason the good head might live a horrible life, by the standards of the human populace..
I think I know what you mean. If I'm baked, and just thinking, I recognize all the thoughts I have, and they can go back and forth.. Like, the more negative orientated thoughts will say something to cut down my postivive thinking, say when I am feeling good about myself, and it creates a debate, me having to tell myself that that isn't the truth, what the negative thought said, and the negative thought will keep "reasoning" agansit it. Or I'll have this really bad thought out of nowhere, and I'll have to prove it wrong.. this is reprogramming at its ugliest, having to "cancel out" the negative bullshit that drags me down, it is hard at first, but I always win as long as I don't give up... Thank god I don't dwell on this, or eventually the negative thoughts would be lumped together under the name "Satan", and the positive would be "God", and they would take turns leading my life... I prefer not going schizo. Peace.
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you